Generated by All in One SEO Pro v5.0.1.1, this is an llms.txt file, used by LLMs to index the site. # International Forgiveness Institute International Forgiveness Institute ## Sitemaps - [XML Sitemap](https://internationalforgiveness.com/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website. ## Posts - [Our Forgiveness Blog](https://internationalforgiveness.com/category-our-forgiveness-blog/) - [He Said, “Forgiveness Is Passive.” Oh, Really?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/25/he-said-forgiveness-is-passive-oh-really/) - While I was discussing forgiveness with a learned scholar, he began the conversation by confidently stating, “But, forgiveness is passive.” When asked to clarify, he meant that a person who forgives does nothing at all in response to the unjust event or the person who behaved unjustly. The point of this essay is to respond - [Someone in my life claims that I harbor unwarranted animosity toward him. He claims I fabricated stories about him at some point in our relationship and that he always acts in my best interests. This is just not true.  How can I know for sure that my view is correct?  Needless to say, I am angry about this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/29/someone-in-my-life-claims-that-i-harbor-unwarranted-animosity-toward-him-he-claims-i-fabricated-stories-about-him-at-some-point-in-our-relationship-and-that-he-always-acts-in-my-best-interests-this/) - If you have an issue with distorting reality, it likely will show up with other people and situations. Do other people tell you something similar to this one person? If not, then this issue is centered on one relationship and one person. When you carefully examine the accusations against you, can you truly say that - [What is the etymology of the word forgiveness?  What are some ancient examples of person-to-person forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/29/what-is-the-etymology-of-the-word-forgiveness-what-are-some-ancient-examples-of-person-to-person-forgiveness/) - In Hebrew, the word salah means that offenses are wiped away from sight (God’s forgiveness of sin). The oldest preserved accounts of forgiveness are within the Hebrew scriptures. An example is in Genesis 37-45 (Joseph unconditionally forgives his half-brothers). In Christianity, within the New Testament, two Koine Greek words appear in the context of person-to-person - [Self-Forgiveness Research Is on the Rise](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/25/self-forgiveness-research-is-on-the-rise/) - A recent journal article shows that self-forgiveness is becoming increasingly popular. From the article’s Abstract: “The dataset included research and review articles published without language restrictions until August 2025. The analysis identified 493 articles authored by 1297 researchers and revealed a steady growth in self-forgiveness research, with an annual growth rate of 12.07%. The United - [Dr. Enright's Essays on Forgiveness are 'Essential Reads'!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/24/dr-enrights-essays-on-forgiveness-are-essential-reads/) - In the past several months, Dr. Enright’s essays on the Psychology Today website have been promoted to Essential Read status in the topic area of forgiveness. Those essays are as follows: What Forgiveness Is Not and Why, August 20, 2026 Crossing the Finish Line When It Is Hard to Forgive, July 22, 2026 Fully Forgive - [In my experience, I find it a lot harder to forgive my family members than those who are not part of my family.  Am I expecting too much from family?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/28/in-my-experience-i-find-it-a-lot-harder-to-forgive-my-family-members-than-those-who-are-not-part-of-my-family-am-i-expecting-too-much-from-family/) - Your experience is typical. Many people find it harder to forgive their loved ones because those are the people who should “have our back” and be kind and respectful to us. When that breaks down, the hurt can be deeper than when we are hurt by people outside the family, such as co-workers or neighbors. - [Convince me that forgiveness is for others rather than the self, the forgiver.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/28/convince-me-that-forgiveness-is-for-others-rather-than-the-self-the-forgiver/) - Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it centers on our trying to be good to others, not just the self. When we exercise justice, for example, we do not do so only for ourselves. If we “forgive” exclusively for ourselves, then we are not actually engaging in true forgiveness. Instead, we are engaging in a - [Once again, thank you for your follow-up answer about self-forgiveness. You did not address one issue in my more recent question:  How can we be our own judge and jury when we self-forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/28/once-again-thank-you-for-your-follow-up-answer-about-self-forgiveness-you-did-not-address-one-issue-in-my-more-recent-question-how-can-we-be-our-own-judge-and-jury-when-we-self-forgive/) - We do not become our own judge and jury when we self-forgive because self-forgiveness does not take place in a court of law. Instead, we do have a conscience, which allows us to discern right from wrong. Our well-formed conscience can help us discern when we have done wrong. Feelings of guilt can accompany this - [Can people actually forgive themselves?  It is as if they are their own judge and jury.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/27/can-people-actually-forgive-themselves-it-is-as-if-they-are-their-own-judge-and-jury/) - Self-forgiveness is offering mercy to oneself after breaking a moral standard. We can give ourselves moral virtues. For example, we can be patient with ourselves and kind to ourselves. Why would having mercy on the self be prohibited? So, yes, we can forgive ourselves when we have behaved badly. Usually, when we break our moral - [Thank you for your answer to my question about my sister who wants me to forgive her even though  I was not offended.  When I explained that she did nothing wrong, she asked me this: “Should I forgive myself for what I did?”  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/27/thank-you-for-your-answer-to-my-question-about-my-sister-who-wants-me-to-forgive-her-even-though-i-was-not-offended-when-i-explained-that-she-did-nothing-wrong-she-asked-me-this/) - I do not recommend that she forgive herself because it seems she did not behave unjustly. Maybe she made a mistake, and so she can work on accepting herself as imperfect. Self-forgiveness occurs when the person has broken a moral standard, which she apparently did not do. So, I recommend she work on self-acceptance rather - [My sister has asked me several times to forgive her for something I do not think is wrong.  I am not upset, and I see no need to forgive.  Yet, she keeps asking.  What should I do?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/27/my-sister-has-asked-me-several-times-to-forgive-her-for-something-i-do-not-think-is-wrong-i-am-not-upset-and-i-see-no-need-to-forgive-yet-she-keeps-asking-what-should-i-do/) - I recommend that you stand in the truth and gently and lovingly explain to her that you do not think she did anything wrong. Because of this, you do not have to forgive her. Let her know that you love her. - [When the news agencies state that a given state in the United States is forgiving student debt, are they truly using the term “forgiveness” correctly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/26/when-the-news-agencies-state-that-a-given-state-in-the-united-states-is-forgiving-student-debt-are-they-truly-using-the-term-forgiveness-correctly/) - Actually, no; this is not forgiveness, but instead a legal pardon. Forgiveness occurs when a person is hurt by another. When governments eliminate debt, the government is not treated unfairly by the students. Legal pardon is not a personal affront, but a political decision in which those making the decision were not personally hurt by - [Can I forgive situations, such as an unexpected flat tire?  I ask because I kind of got mad at the tire.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/26/can-i-forgive-situations-such-as-an-unexpected-flat-tire-i-ask-because-i-kind-of-got-mad-at-the-tire/) - No, you cannot forgive a flat tire because to forgive is to have mercy on people who have been unfair to you. You cannot have mercy on a flat tire. I recommend that you work on accepting what happened rather than forgiving the situation, because we cannot forgive situations. - [What is the difference between what some people call “emotional forgiveness” and “decisional forgiveness”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/26/what-is-the-difference-between-what-some-people-call-emotional-forgiveness-and-decisional-forgiveness/) - The essence of forgiveness includes a decision to proceed with the process of forgiveness, and then working on softened feelings toward the offending person, expanded cognitions in which the forgiver sees the inherent worth of the offending person, and behaviors that are not harmful toward this person. So, there is no “emotional forgiveness” and “decisional - [How do I heal from my emotional wounds caused by my mother?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/25/how-do-i-heal-from-my-emotional-wounds-caused-by-my-mother/) - Here is a link to an essay I posted on the Psychology Today website about forgiving for what I called a “mother wound”: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202310/aiding-daughters-in-healing-from-the-mother-wound - [Can you provide me with one example of a person forgiving another for "unforgivable" acts or severe trauma?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/25/can-you-provide-me-with-one-example-of-a-person-forgiving-another-for-unforgivable-acts-or-severe-trauma/) - You might want to view the film, Forgiving Dr. Mengele, in which Eva Mozes Kor describes her forgiving of the Nazis who imprisoned her and her twin sister, who died from the immoral medical experiments at the Auschwitz concentration camp. - [How do I go about forgiving someone who refuses to apologize?  It is so difficult.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/25/how-do-i-go-about-forgiving-someone-who-refuses-to-apologize-it-is-so-difficult/) - Think about it this way: The one who was unfair has hurt your heart. That hurt can linger for a long time if you do not address it. Forgiving has been shown scientifically to reduce excessive anger, anxiety, and depression. So, why let the other person win twice, once with the injustice and now by - [I kind of like the idea of forgiveness, but I am a bit ambivalent about it.  Can you provide some written material for me so that I can make a more informed decision?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/24/i-kind-of-like-the-idea-of-forgiveness-but-i-am-a-bit-ambivalent-about-it-can-you-provide-some-written-material-for-me-so-that-i-can-make-a-more-informed-decision/) - Here is a link to an essay I posted on the Psychology Today website regarding this issue of deciding if you are ready to forgive: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202409/when-youre-not-quite-ready-to-forgive - [I heard that you did a study of forgiveness for people in hospice, but I cannot locate the reference.  Would you please provide that for me?  Thank you in advance.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/24/i-heard-that-you-did-a-study-of-forgiveness-for-people-in-hospice-but-i-cannot-locate-the-reference-would-you-please-provide-that-for-me-thank-you-in-advance/) - Yes, here is that reference: Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009). A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60. - [If I no longer feel rage at the one who hurt me, does this mean I have forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/24/if-i-no-longer-feel-rage-at-the-one-who-hurt-me-does-this-mean-i-have-forgiven/) - Forgiveness concerns the willingness to give mercy to the one who was unfair. Your emotions play a part, but they are not the entire essence of forgiveness. In other words, some people reduce their anger by saying, “Well, this person is not worth the effort.” Dismissing another person might lessen anger, at least temporarily, but - [A Promise Kept](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2021/12/31/a-promise-kept/) - Have you ever made a promise to love, honor, and obey outside the covenant of marriage? In a certain way, I have. That promise, which I made in 2002, has now been fulfilled as we turn the clock to 2022. We at the International Forgiveness Institute had just decided to start forgiveness education programs at - [A Podcast and Book on Revenge and Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/08/04/a-podcast-and-book-on-revenge-and-forgiveness/) - On a recent episode of the podcast No Small Endeavor, Yale University professor Dr. James Kimmel, Jr. talked about his book, The Science of Revenge. The full video is available on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjzHZlWV_ZE. In his book, he makes the claim that revenge can be like a drug that is addictive and therefore can last for - [I have to forgive two people. One is at my place of employment, and the other is a family member. My anger and discontent are rather high toward the person at work. My negative emotions are far less toward the family member.  Who should come first in my forgiveness process?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/30/i-have-to-forgive-two-people-one-is-at-my-place-of-employment-and-the-other-is-a-family-member-my-anger-and-discontent-are-rather-high-toward-the-person-at-work-my-negative-emotions-are-far-less-t/) - I recommend that you start with the family member because it usually is the case that it is easier to forgive someone toward whom you are not fuming with anger. After you forgive this person, then you will have had more practice in forgiveness, which might help you in forgiving the person at work toward - [I am in a rather caustic group, with lots of criticism leveled against others outside the group. It is beginning to wear on me, and I am thinking of leaving the group. What do you think: would it be better for me to stay and try to help them bring down their level of criticism toward others, or should I leave?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/30/i-am-in-a-rather-caustic-group-with-lots-of-criticism-leveled-against-others-outside-the-group-it-is-beginning-to-wear-on-me-and-i-am-thinking-of-leaving-the-group-what-do-you-think-would-it-be-b/) - You show both courage and altruism in asking this question. I say this because your intent in staying is to help members of the group, rather than staying for your own benefit. Yes, it may be a morally good response to stay in the group, at least for a while, to see if you can - [I have an insight, and I wonder what you think about it. We have a family member who is quite alienated from the rest of our family. This is the case because he is rather rude and hurtful to others. I am wondering whether he needs to forgive himself first, because my conjecture is that he doesn’t like himself. If he forgives himself first, do you think he might stop the rudeness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/29/i-have-an-insight-and-i-wonder-what-you-think-about-it-we-have-a-family-member-who-is-quite-alienated-from-the-rest-of-our-family-this-is-the-case-because-he-is-rather-rude-and-hurtful-to-others-i/) - Actually, it may be the case that he was hurt at some time in the past by others, and so he now is displacing his anger and discontent onto others. If this is the case, he first may need to forgive those who hurt him in the past. After that is accomplished, he then could - [If I engage in the Process Model of forgiveness, is it okay to go back to an earlier unit if I think I need more work on it?  For example, I began to have compassion on the one who hurt me, and so I went on to “standing in the pain.” After a while, my compassion began to wane.  I think I should go back to that before moving ahead. What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/29/if-i-engage-in-the-process-model-of-forgiveness-is-it-okay-to-go-back-to-an-earlier-unit-if-i-think-i-need-more-work-on-it-for-example-i-began-to-have-compassion-on-the-one-who-hurt-me-and-s/) - The process of forgiveness is not a straight line, as you are implying by your question. So yes, it is very reasonable to go back after having dealt with any one of the units in the Process Model. I would recommend, in your case, that you go back to the earlier unit before compassion and - [Should I forgive myself when falsely accused?  My partner got really upset when the clothes dryer stopped working, and he needed a shirt that was in there.  Of course, I am not responsible for a machine’s mechanical failure, but I received some intense emotion from him.  Under such a circumstance, should I engage in self-forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/29/should-i-forgive-myself-when-falsely-accused-my-partner-got-really-upset-when-the-clothes-dryer-stopped-working-and-he-needed-a-shirt-that-was-in-there-of-course-i-am-not-responsible-f/) - I am glad you asked this question so you can avoid unnecessary self-criticism. When we self-forgive, it is in the context of our knowing we were unjust in some way. You were not unjust when the dryer stopped working. If you started on the path of self-forgiveness, you would be falsely accusing yourself of wrongdoing. - [I want to introduce forgiveness education to my school.  What is one reference you would suggest that I share with my principal?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/28/i-want-to-introduce-forgiveness-education-to-my-school-what-is-one-reference-you-would-suggest-that-i-share-with-my-principal/) - I would recommend the open-access journal article by Rapp and colleagues. They examined forgiveness education programs worldwide with the conclusion that most of them help the students to forgive those who have hurt them and to reduce their anger in general, not just toward the person who was unfair. The reference to this work is - [I have fibromyalgia. I heard that you have a journal article stating that a forgiveness intervention can help with those symptoms.  Would you please share the reference to that article with me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/28/i-have-fibromyalgia-i-heard-that-you-have-a-journal-article-stating-that-a-forgiveness-intervention-can-help-with-those-symptoms-would-you-please-share-the-reference-to-that-article-with-me/) - Yes, we have this study, with a particular focus on women who were abused in childhood and now have fibromyalgia symptons. The study helped to reduce the symptoms. Here is that reference: Lee, Y-R & Enright, R.D. (2014) A forgiveness intervention for women with fibromyalgia who were abused in childhood: A pilot study. Spirituality in - [What do meta-analyses say about the number of forgiveness sessions? How many tend to lead to success?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/27/what-do-meta-analyses-say-about-the-number-of-forgiveness-sessions-how-many-tend-to-lead-to-success/) - One meta-analysis concludes that 12 or more weeks of a forgiveness intervention, for about an hour a week, seems to work in improving participants’ well being. The reference to that work is this: Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004). Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79-90. Another meta-analysis - [When you use the term “the forgiveness triangle,” what does that mean?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/27/when-you-use-the-term-the-forgiveness-triangle-what-does-that-mean/) - This refers to two people entering into the forgiveness and reconciliation process together. At least one seeks to be forgiven while the other forgives. This pattern also could involve both parties seeking and granting forgiveness. The third part is the actual reconciliation, after seeking forgiveness and forgiving have been well on their way to completion, - [How open should I be with my children (ages 9 and 11) regarding my father (their grandfather)?  He was abusive, and we are estranged from him.  Do I give my children details about the injustice as I start to walk the path of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/24/how-open-should-i-be-with-my-children-ages-9-and-11-regarding-my-father-their-grandfather-he-was-abusive-and-we-are-estranged-from-him-do-i-give-my-children-details-about-the-injust/) - You need not go into details of your father’s abuses. You could say that there were injustices, and you can give some child-appropriate examples without going into details that are not fit for children. It would be good for them to hear of your forgiveness and how it is healing your heart. Eventually, the children - [How should l correct a 6-year-old child who equates forgiveness with revenge?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/24/how-should-l-correct-a-6-year-old-child-who-equates-forgiveness-with-revenge/) - You could show the child, through a picture book, such as Horton Hears a Who, that forgiveness involves patience, gentleness, and respect. In Horton Hears a Who, the kindly elephant is even patient with the jungle animals who tie him up and make fun of him. He does not take revenge, but shows patience and - [Can you please provide a reference in which you studied young children learning about forgiveness with the use of the concept of inherent worth?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/24/can-you-please-provide-a-reference-in-which-you-studied-young-children-learning-about-forgiveness-with-the-use-of-the-concept-of-inherent-worth/) - Yes, here is a study conducted in Northern Ireland with primary school children that focused on inherent worth and forgiveness. The first-grade students (Primary 3 in Northern Ireland) statistically significantly decreased in anger. The third-grade students (Primary 5 in Northern Ireland) showed a statistically significant increase in forgiving a person who hurt them. They statistically - [Thank you again for clarifying the concept of inherent worth.  Can you suggest a picture book to help children grasp the idea of inherent worth?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/23/thank-you-again-for-clarifying-the-concept-of-inherent-worth-can-you-suggest-a-picture-book-to-help-children-grasp-the-idea-of-inherent-worth/) - Yes, we have used Eve Bunting’s children’s book, Summer Wheels, among many others. In this story, the Bicycle Man repairs and lends bicycles to neighborhood children. The rule is that all bikes must be returned by 4pm. When one boy disobeys and keeps the bike, two other boys get angry. Eventually, the angry ones see - [Thank you for clarifying the importance of having children learn about inherent worth.  Can this actually be taught with children as young as six or seven years old?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/23/thank-you-for-clarifying-the-importance-of-having-children-learn-about-inherent-worth-can-this-actually-be-taught-with-children-as-young-as-six-or-seven-years-old/) - Yes, we have done this successfully, for example, in Northern Ireland. We even use the words “inherent worth,” and the children can understand that it is a basic point of being human, going beyond actions only. - [What is one cognitive skill you want to see in primary school children who are beginning to learn about forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/22/what-is-one-cognitive-skill-you-want-to-see-in-primary-school-children-who-are-beginning-to-learn-about-forgiveness/) - A major cognitive advance is to start seeing the inherent worth in all people, not because of actions themselves, but because they are persons who are special, unique, and irreplaceable beyond their actions. - [How do you correct a young child who equates forgiveness with revenge? ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/21/how-do-you-correct-a-young-child-who-equates-forgiveness-with-revenge/) - A first step is to talk about seeing mercy in the world. Then, this can be slowly applied to injustices, with the caveat that one can show mercy toward offending other people and, at the same time, strive for justice so that the injustice can be corrected. - [You discuss how a child learns forgiveness from their family, friends, and someone of higher authority. What must a child learn specifically as the first step toward understanding forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/21/you-discuss-how-a-child-learns-forgiveness-from-their-family-friends-and-someone-of-higher-authority-what-must-a-child-learn-specifically-as-the-first-step-toward-understanding-forgiveness/) - Actually, the most important part of children learning to forgive is teaching them what forgiveness is and how to forgive. An important initial step for the children is for them to see that forgiveness is a moral virtue of goodness toward those who hurt the child’s heart. This can take time because it is counterintuitive in - [During your forgiveness interviews with children and adults, what has surprised you the most?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/20/during-your-forgiveness-interviews-with-children-and-adults-what-has-surprised-you-the-most/) - I would say that my biggest surprise is that many people (even the vast majority) do not have an accurate understanding of what forgiveness is. Too many adults, for example, equate forgiving with “just moving on,” which is not what forgiveness, as a moral virtue of goodness toward those who have offended, actually is. This - [Of the things children are taught about forgiveness, what do you find to be something to avoid? ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/20/of-the-things-children-are-taught-about-forgiveness-what-do-you-find-to-be-something-to-avoid/) - Perhaps the most important issue is to be careful not to subtly set up the expectation that they **must** forgive. This does not help them be drawn to forgiveness. - [We Have Created a Diversion Toward Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/07/13/we-have-created-a-diversion-toward-forgiveness/) - The 17th-century philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote importantly about what he called "diversion," meaning that people have a tendency to distract themselves from important ideas and actions. I have come to see that forgiveness is one of the central moral virtues that has been a victim of diversion. As we continue to ignore forgiveness as an - [Sometimes I start the process of forgiveness, but then change my mind and I am not ready any more to forgive. Is this ok? I mean, I almost feel forced to continue the process, especially if I tell the other person that I will try to forgive him. I don't like to feel forced into something as personal as forgiveness.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2012/02/21/sometimes-i-start-the-process-of-forgiveness-but-then-change-my-mind-and-i-am-not-ready-any-more-to-forgive-is-this-ok-i-mean-i-almost-feel-forced-to-continue-the-process-especially-if-i-tell-the/) - You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks. Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need - [In a society that places a greater emphasis on "boundaries" and "cutting people off," is it beginning to be seen as a weakness rather than a virtue to forgive people for unfair treatment?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/11/n-a-society-that-places-a-greater-emphasis-on-boundaries-and-cutting-people-off-is-it-beginning-to-be-seen-as-a-weakness-rather-than-a-virtue-to-forgive-people-for-unfair-treatment/) - Yes, I think your idea has merit. Sometimes the media, for example, can criticize forgiveness in a way I consider inaccurate. Here is one example from an essay I wrote at the Psychology Today website: Why Is There a Backlash Against Forgiveness? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202408/why-is-there-a-backlash-against-forgiveness - [Recent Journal Publications with Authors from Our International Forgiveness Institute, Inc.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/17/recent-journal-publications-with-authors-from-our-international-forgiveness-institute-inc/) - Kim, J. & Enright, R.D. (in press). Clarifying the virtue of forgiveness in restorative justice: A commentary on Palazzolo. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology Li, Y., Kim, J., Song, J., & Enright, R.D. (in press). Validating the Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI). Current Psychology The Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI) now is available to - [Dr. Enright's Psychology Today Post for June 2026 Gets Essential Read Status](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/10/dr-enrights-psychology-today-post-for-june-2026-gets-essential-read-status/) - Dr. Enright's essay on the beauty of forgiveness was placed on the front page of the Psychology Today website on June 9, 2026. A link to the post is here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202606/fully-forgive-and-put-beauty-in-relationships-and-the-world - [Essays on Forgiveness at the Psychology Today Website](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/18/essays-on-forgiveness-at-the-psychology-today-website/) - So far, in 2026, Dr. Enright has the following essays posted on the Psychology Today website: How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Partner Is Abusive, May 5, 2026 The Emotions Behind Forgiveness, April 22, 2026 Do You Really Think You Know What Forgiveness Is?, March 24, 2026 Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive, - [An Examination of Forgiveness in the Context of Armed Conflict](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/10/an-examination-of-forgiveness-in-the-context-of-armed-conflict/) - The journal article below examined 30 manuscripts comprising 35 individual studies, published between 2000 and 2024, focused on forgiveness during times of armed conflict. The results were not surprising. In the article’s abstract, the authors concluded: “Facilitating factors [for forgiveness] included acknowledgment of harm, apologies, justice measures, religious and cultural beliefs, and guarantees of non-repetition. - [Perseverance & Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/19/perseverance-forgiveness/) - Well........it looks to be the case that we are persevering. The following essay was posted here in May of 2012, 14 years ago. It centers on our forgiveness education work in Belfast, Northern Ireland. As of this writing, we now have been there with forgiveness education for almost a quarter of a century, ending 24 - [Anger is a normal reaction to injustice, right? Do we repress some anger when we forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/15/anger-is-a-normal-reaction-to-injustice-right-do-we-repress-some-anger-when-we-forgive/) - Anger does seem to be a natural part of reacting to injustice. We need to remember that anger can be felt and expressed along a continuum. If the anger is short-lived and not extremely intense, then it can be useful in energizing a person who then strives to correct the injustice. When anger becomes extreme, - [It appears that my mother has a lot of guilt. Now she constantly asks me to forgive her for the way she raised me as a child. Actually, this is not a huge concern for me because she did well as my mom. So, even though I don't believe she did anything wrong, should I tell her that I forgive her?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/15/it-appears-that-my-mother-has-a-lot-of-guilt-now-she-constantly-asks-me-to-forgive-her-for-the-way-she-raised-me-as-a-child-actually-this-is-not-a-huge-concern-for-me-because-she-did-well-as-my-mom/) - Your mother seems to need your reassurance that you love her and that she is a good person. Her standards for herself are higher than yours in judging her parenting skills. If it were me, I would say something like this: “When people forgive others, they see the others as worthwhile and of great value. - [There are moments when I simply don't want to forgive. When I feel so indifferent about forgiving, what do you recommend?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/14/there-are-moments-when-i-simply-dont-want-to-forgive-when-i-feel-so-indifferent-about-forgiving-what-do-you-recommend/) - Forgiveness includes our feelings, but it includes so much more. As a moral virtue, it has the characteristics that all the other moral virtues (such as justice, patience, and kindness) include: one’s will to engage in the virtue, one’s thoughts, and how one behaves. When your feelings are indifferent, please focus on your will to - [You claim that forgetting can be harmful on page 2 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. As I move past the painful, unfair circumstance, I believe that forgetting can be beneficial. Could you please elaborate?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/14/you-claim-that-forgetting-can-be-harmful-on-page-2-of-your-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-as-i-move-past-the-painful-unfair-circumstance-i-believe-that-forgetting-can-be-beneficial-could-you-please/) - There are at least two different meanings to the term “to forget.” The first one, which I see as unhealthy, is to suppress the knowledge that the other is a danger to you. It is important to remember that some people are not “on our side.” The second meaning of the term “to forgive” is - [Is it psychologically impossible to "forgive and forget"? Wouldn't we be eliminating an important lesson in self-protection if we truly succeeded in forgetting the unfair treatment?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/13/is-it-psychologically-impossible-to-forgive-and-forget-wouldnt-we-be-eliminating-an-important-lesson-in-self-protection-if-we-truly-succeeded-in-forgetting-the-unfair-treatment/) - When we forgive, we do not forget what happened to us; instead, we remember it in new ways. We can remember the person and the unjust event, and it then passes through our mind and heart without hatred or rage. As an analogy, if you injured your knee five years ago, you can still look - [If everyone in the world found a way to control excessive anger, do you think forgiveness then would become unnecessary in the world?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/13/if-everyone-in-the-world-found-a-way-to-control-excessive-anger-do-you-think-forgiveness-then-would-become-unnecessary-in-the-world/) - Forgiving others is not done solely because of its excellent psychological benefits, as shown by research. Forgiving others also is good in and of itself because it is a moral virtue (as are justice, kindness, and respect). Showing goodness as the goal of forgiving (rather than deriving a psychological benefit) is sufficient for forgiveness to - [I can understand my uncle's pain, but I find it difficult to empathize with him—that is, to put myself in his position and experience what it's like to be him. Without empathy, will I ever be able to feel compassion for him?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/12/i-can-understand-my-uncles-pain-but-i-find-it-difficult-to-empathize-with-him-that-is-to-put-myself-in-his-position-and-experience-what-its-like-to-be-him-without-empathy-will-i-ever-b/) - Not being able to empathize with your uncle today does not mean you will never be able to do this. Empathy can open the door to compassion. Sympathy, or feeling sorry for him, also may be such a door to the eventual development of compassion. Yet, as you are seeing, empathy is the deeper, more - [Is forgiveness incomplete if I want a perpetrator to serve time in a correctional institution? I do have a desire to see this person in jail.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/12/is-forgiveness-incomplete-if-i-want-a-perpetrator-to-serve-time-in-a-correctional-institution-i-do-have-a-desire-to-see-this-person-in-jail-what-do-you-think/) - I think this depends on your motive for having the person sent to a correctional institution. Do you harbor hatred in your heart and want the person to feel pain? Instead, do you want the person to serve time because this person might be a danger to society? Wanting pain for the person does suggest - [I am kind of perplexed with myself.  I find it easier to forgive non-family members for deep injustices, such as people at work, than to forgive close family members for lesser offenses.  Why would that be the case?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/11/i-am-kind-of-perplexed-with-myself-i-find-it-easier-to-forgive-non-family-members-for-deep-injustices-such-as-people-at-work-than-to-forgive-close-family-members-for-lesser-offenses-wh/) - I think the situation comes down to this: We expect family members to respond to us with dedication and love. When these are not realized, the hurt can be deeper than when treated badly by co-workers. We certainly should expect co-workers to respond to us with civility and respect, but the issues of dedication and - [My friend is unrepentant for betraying me.  I now am worried that if I forgive, might this inadvertently justify her behavior in her own mind?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/10/my-friend-is-unrepentant-for-betraying-me-i-now-am-worried-that-if-i-forgive-might-this-inadvertently-justify-her-behavior-in-her-own-mind/) - Your forgiving need not “inadvertently justify her behavior” because, as you forgive, you can ask fairness of her. Forgiveness and justice can exist side-by-side. Therefore, forgive, then gently discuss the betrayal and your hurt from it, with encouragement for her to see this and repent. - [Thank you for your answer about my partner, who blames me for being 15 minutes late after work.  If, as you say, she is accusing me of something that is not a wrongdoing, do I have the right to forgive her?  I ask because she simply is not thinking deeply enough about the situation, and so she is not engaging in deliberate wrong.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/10/thank-you-for-your-answer-about-my-partner-who-blames-me-for-being-15-minutes-late-after-work-if-as-you-say-she-is-accusing-me-of-something-that-is-not-a-wrongdoing-do-i-have-the-right-to-f/) - A person’s intention is not the sole criterion for you deciding whether or not a wrongdoing has occurred. Your partner is not intentionally doing anything wrong, but her actions can be considered unjust because she is not taking the time to explore in depth your situation with the boss. If you are annoyed by this - [Regarding my earlier question, what if the “forgiver” is denying reality and keeps insisting that the other person did wrong when no wrong was done?  Here is an example: my partner keeps blaming me for being a little late coming home after work, even if it is, say, 15 minutes.  She wants me to help with the kids.  Yet when I am late, I am not doing any injustice because my boss insists that I stay a little later at work.  She keeps insisting that she needs to forgive me.  In this case, is it her call or does she need correction?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/09/regarding-my-earlier-question-what-if-the-forgiver-is-denying-reality-and-keeps-insisting-that-the-other-person-did-wrong-when-no-wrong-was-done-here-is-an-example-my-partne/) - You raise a good point. You are not deliberately engaging in moral wrong because you are being obedient to the boss. In such a case, even if your partner wants to forgive and it is her choice, encourage her to explore the issue deeply and subtly. As she takes this challenge seriously, she may eventually - [Can you truly forgive someone who treats you cruelly yet sincerely thinks he or she was in the right, or is it just "moving on”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/09/can-you-truly-forgive-someone-who-treats-you-cruelly-yet-sincerely-thinks-he-or-she-was-in-the-right-or-is-it-just-moving-on/) - Yes, you definitely can forgive someone who stands firm, believing no wrong was committed. This is the case because it is up to the forgiver to determine the wrongdoing by taking a clear and wise look at what happened. If the conclusion is that unfairness occurred, the one who was treated unfairly can forgive. - [Forgiveness Guidelines for Therapists](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/06/02/forgiveness-guidelines-for-therapists/) - A recent essay by Professor Suzanne Freedman of the University of Northern Iowa was published in the Greater Good Magazine of the University of California, Berkeley. The essay is titled "Seven Guidelines for Therapists Helping Clients to Forgive." It provides helpful information for mental health professionals whose clients want to work on forgiving those who have been unjust - [The Struggle to Seek Forgiveness and to Forgive](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/28/the-struggle-to-seek-forgiveness-and-to-forgive/) - Olympian Sturla Holm Lægreid, who won a bronze medal at the 2026 Winter Olympics, shared his challenge of seeking forgiveness from his girlfriend after he had an affair during the competition. His girlfriend shared her struggle to offer forgiveness. The story can be found on people.com here: https://people.com/sturla-holm-laegreid-ex-girlfriend-breaks-her-silence-after-affair-confession-2026-winter-olympics-11904252?utm_source=chatgpt.com - [Dr. Forgiveness Answers 2,000th Question!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/29/dr-forgiveness-answers-2000th-question/) - The submenu 'Ask Dr. Forgiveness' on this website has surpassed 2,000 questions and answers as of May 2026. This website feature has been operational since 2013. The 2,000th entry is this: If people deny their deep anger over a long period of time, might they forget that anger? If so, would this then lead to - [Letting go of Grudges & Improving Your Health](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/26/letting-go-of-grudges-improving-your-health/) - On April 10, 2026, Dr. Enright interviewed with the reporter, Ariana Cha, on the topic of forgiveness. The article appeared in the Washington Post newspaper with the title, How to Let Go of Grudges: And Why It Could Be Good for Your Overall Health. This information was published here on April 28, 2026, but the - [It seems to me that forgiving myself is harder than forgiving other people. Do you agree with this, and if so, why might this be the case?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/29/it-seems-to-me-that-forgiving-myself-is-harder-than-forgiving-other-people-do-you-agree-with-this-and-if-so-why-might-this-be-the-case/) - I agree that it often is harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive other people. I think this is the case because we tend to be harder on ourselves than on others. Therefore, it may take more practice and more time to forgive oneself. Also, if people deny their wrongdoing, this can delay self-forgiveness, making - [I have forgiven a co-worker for unjust behavior, but I now am having a hard time trusting her. I know from your writings that trust is different from forgiveness. Can you give me some advice on how to increase my trust now that I have forgiven the co-worker?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/28/i-have-forgiven-a-co-worker-for-unjust-behavior-but-i-now-am-having-a-hard-time-trusting-her-i-know-from-your-writings-that-trust-is-different-from-forgiveness-can-you-give-me-some-advice-on-how-to/) - You are correct that forgiveness differs from trust. The latter, when focused on a particular person rather than an overall trust of people in general, concerns reconciliation. I discuss the nuances of trust toward the other person when reconciliation is being initiated in the following essay at the Psychology Today website, in January 2026: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202601/once-broken-how-can-trust-be-restored-in-a-relationship - [have a complicated situation. My father left our family when I was a child. Once I was grown, he came to me, asking for my forgiveness. I was angry and refused to forgive. Now I am feeling badly about that. Should I ask my father to forgive me for my insensitive treatment toward him when he humbly asked for forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/28/have-a-complicated-situation-my-father-left-our-family-when-i-was-a-child-once-i-was-grown-he-came-to-me-asking-for-my-forgiveness-i-was-angry-and-refused-to-forgive-now-i-am-feeling-badly-about/) - You were not ready to forgive your father, and now it seems that you are. Please forgive your father first, if you have not done so. Then go to him and ask for his forgiveness. Please be patient with him because he may be hurt by your earlier refusal. Also, please consider forgiving yourself for - [Is it possible to actually become a forgiving person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/28/is-it-possible-to-actually-become-a-forgiving-person/) - Here is an excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, reflecting on this very question: “I hope you are beginning to see that forgiveness is not only something you do, nor is it just a feeling or a thought inside you. It pervades your very being. Forgiveness, in other words, might become a part of your - [I need some help in understanding what you mean by “bearing the pain” as part of the Work Phase of forgiveness. For example, do I reinterpret the pain as not so bad? Would you please elaborate on this for me? Thank you in advance.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/27/i-need-some-help-in-understanding-what-you-mean-by-bearing-the-pain-as-part-of-the-work-phase-of-forgiveness-for-example-do-i-reinterpret-the-pain-as-not-so-bad-would-you-please-e/) - When we use the term “bearing the pain,” we do not think that it has to include a re-interpretation of the pain in its initial stages. The key is this: a) realize that you are in pain; b) realize how much pain you are in; c) be willing to stand with that pain no matter - [If I practice forgiveness, can I actually improve in forgiveness by getting better at it?  If so, what are some hallmarks of forgiveness improvement?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/27/if-i-practice-forgiveness-can-i-actually-improve-in-forgiveness-by-getting-better-at-it-if-so-what-are-some-hallmarks-of-forgiveness-improvement/) - Forgiveness is not a superficial action (such as saying, “It’s ok” when someone is unfair to you). Instead, it is a moral virtue, as is justice and kindness and love. Aristotle told us over 3,500 years ago that one challenge in life is to become more perfected in the virtues. In other words, we do - [My husband has frequent temper tantrums. When I ask him to quiet down, he just gets angry. He says he has a right to these outbursts. So, my question to you is this: Could my forgiving him open the door for him to keep up this frustrating pattern?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/27/my-husband-has-frequent-temper-tantrums-when-i-ask-him-to-quiet-down-he-just-gets-angry-he-says-he-has-a-right-to-these-outbursts-so-my-question-to-you-is-this-could-my-forgiving-him-open-the-do/) - You are aware that your husband has an anger problem needing work. Forgiveness does not directly address that issue. Forgiveness will help you to reduce your own anger at his anger. Your forgiving him may help him to quiet inside at least temporarily. Yet, he needs work on his anger in addition to your forgiving - [If people deny their deep anger over a long period of time, might they forget that anger? If so, would this then lead to the situation where the forgiveness process is no longer necessary?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/26/if-people-deny-their-deep-anger-over-a-long-period-of-time-might-they-forget-that-anger-if-so-would-this-then-lead-to-the-situation-where-the-forgiveness-process-is-no-longer-necessary/) - Note: This is the 2,000th Ask Dr. Forgiveness question and answer entry on our website! If the injustices that led to the anger were serious and hurtful, the anger is not necessarily extinguished when the psychological defense of denial is in place. In other words, the anger can manifest in other ways, including internal compromises - [Once I forgive myself, is there anything else I need to do so that this process is all wrapped up?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/26/once-i-forgive-myself-is-there-anything-else-i-need-to-do-so-that-this-process-is-all-wrapped-up/) - Yes, there is another step that may be important for you. If the actions that led you to self-forgive have offended others, consider going to them and asking for their forgiveness. Please keep in mind that their forgiving you is their choice, and so be ready to be patient. The process of forgiving can take - [Can you give me one suggestion for introducing the concept of forgiveness to my family? I have learned to forgive, and I now see this as vitally important.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/26/can-you-give-me-one-suggestion-for-introducing-the-concept-of-forgiveness-to-my-family-i-have-learned-to-forgive-and-i-now-see-this-as-vitally-important/) - You can start slowly by finding the right moment to share what you have learned about forgiveness and its positive influence on you. If your family members, even eventually, respond positively, further steps might include trying to deepen family members’ understanding of what forgiveness is and is not, and trying to establish forgiveness as a - [In the Process Model of Forgiveness, you begin the Work Phase by asking the forgiver to better understand the one who was unjust. I am a little worried about doing that. If I focus on that person and see all of his inner wounds, might this engender in me such sympathy for him that I conclude this: “Well, he is so hurt that maybe he really didn’t mean to hurt me.” Wouldn’t that be an open door to excuse what he did to me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/25/in-the-process-model-of-forgiveness-you-begin-the-work-phase-by-asking-the-forgiver-to-better-understand-the-one-who-was-unjust-i-am-a-little-worried-about-doing-that-if-i-focus-on-that-person-and/) - Understanding the one who offended is very different from excusing the person’s behavior. We can accept a person as having unconditional worth and then hold fast to the truth that the behavior was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong, despite my understanding the person as a person. In other words, it is important - [Might highly angry parents inadvertently be setting up their children to bully others in school and, once they are adults, to be difficult partners in marriage?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/25/might-highly-angry-parents-inadvertently-be-setting-up-their-children-to-bully-others-in-school-and-once-they-are-adults-to-be-difficult-partners-in-marriage/) - This depends on what the child has learned from observations of the parents. If the developing child does not reflect on the potentially destructive pattern, then, yes, the child may begin to show bullying behaviors in school and repeat the pattern of a conflictual relationship with a partner in adulthood. Yet it is possible that the - [I am aware of a weakness of mine. I am a bit too quick to go back to a relationship that was hurtful. In other words, I don't think I have a great grasp of reconciliation. Can you provide me with some cautions as I reflect on this vital concept of reconciliation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/25/i-am-aware-of-a-weakness-of-mine-i-am-a-bit-too-quick-to-go-back-to-a-relationship-that-was-hurtful-in-other-words-i-dont-think-i-have-a-great-grasp-of-reconciliation-can-you-provide-me-with-som/) - Here are three cautions for you: If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way. Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, - [When on my forgiveness journey, I can get tired and want to stop. At such times, I can get discouraged and don’t necessarily like myself because I am not persevering. Not crossing the finish line of forgiveness. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/22/when-on-my-forgiveness-journey-i-can-get-tired-and-want-to-stop-at-such-times-i-can-get-discouraged-and-dont-necessarily-like-myself-because-i-am-not-persevering-not-crossing-the-finish-l/) - You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks. Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need - [I left a relationship in which I experienced continued abuse. Now that I am out of this challenging relationship, guess who I am blaming for the breakup? Right.....me!  Help!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/22/i-left-a-relationship-in-which-i-experienced-continued-abuse-now-that-i-am-out-of-this-challenging-relationship-guess-who-i-am-blaming-for-the-breakup-right-me-help/) - I recommend that you make this important distinction: Did you fail in the relationship or did the one who abused you cause that failure? For instance, if the other stopped the abuse and you were able to trust, would you have left the relationship? I think the answer is no, you would not have left - [I have a deep interest in helping those with addictions, particularly to drugs.  Do you have knowledge of any forgiveness research that addresses this issue?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/22/i-have-a-deep-interest-in-helping-those-with-addictions-particularly-to-drugs-do-you-have-knowledge-of-any-forgiveness-research-that-addresses-this-issue/) - Yes, and we have a randomized experimental and control study to show this. We chose a challenging group, those who were court-ordered to residential drug rehabilitation. We did two sessions a week with the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, for 6 weeks. After the forgiveness sessions, the participants went from clinically depressed to non-depressed, and their cravings - [The Forgiving Heart: Cultivating Compassion](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/05/22/the-forgiving-heart-cultivating-compassion/) - At times, scholars who study forgiveness use a term called "decisional forgiveness." It refers more to the mind than the heart as the person thinks about forgiveness and commits to reducing anger and increasing mercy toward those who have been unfair. While thinking about forgiveness is important, it is reductionistic to define forgiveness, which is - [Is There Ever an Obligation to Forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/29/is-there-ever-an-obligation-to-forgive/) - So often people exhort others not to force others to forgive. The current advice so often seen in print is this: Forgiveness is the choice of the forgiver, not the demand of the one who acted unjustly. Yet an article published in Acta Analytica on February 10, 2026, by Sam Ridge, entitled "The Right to Forgiveness," challenges - [Is Forgiveness Good for Your Health?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/28/is-forgiveness-good-for-your-health/) - A new article on forgiveness (How to let go of grudges — and why it could be good for your health) was published online by the Washington Post on Thursday, April 23, 2026. The article is behind a paywall ($2 for a one-time purchase of this one article) and can be found at this link! - [What Is the Difference Between Forgiving and Walking Away?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/27/what-is-the-difference-between-forgiving-and-walking-away/) - I recently received a thoughtful letter from someone who has suffered gravely and extensively from others’ unjust actions. The letter was a response to an article in the Washington Post newspaper, published on Thursday, April 23, 2026 entitled, How to let go of grudges----and why it could be good for your health. Because the letter - [How can I help others learn to suffer well when they are treated badly?  I am concerned because, if I open up a heart-wound in a friend by talking about suffering well through forgiveness, how can I help close the wound in the heart so that he does not emotionally bleed to the point of an emergency?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/30/how-can-i-help-others-learn-to-suffer-well-when-they-are-treated-badly-i-am-concerned-because-if-i-open-up-a-heart-wound-in-a-friend-by-talking-about-suffering-well-through-forgiveness-how-ca/) - I recommend the following six approaches: 1) Be sure you are very clear about what forgiveness is and is not. Too often, people reject forgiveness because they misunderstand it, equating it with “just letting it go” or “just moving on.” Be sure the person sees that forgiveness is a moral virtue in which he willingly - [In chapter 10 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say this: “Knowing how to forgive is also preparation for the injuries and pain that will come in the future.”  That seems kind of pessimistic.  Should I be living my life, always looking over my shoulder, trying to find the next person who will treat me cruelly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/30/in-chapter-10-of-your-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-you-say-this-knowing-how-to-forgive-is-also-preparation-for-the-injuries-and-pain-that-will-come-in-the-future-that-seems/) - The point of the sentence is this: We are in a fallen world in which people are not always at their best. Because of this, our being treated unjustly by others is to be expected, and so we should be prepared for that. We have to be temperate (balanced, not extreme) on this so that, - [I want to learn more about this agape love you mentioned in your earlier answer about finding meaning in suffering through forgiveness.  If I wanted to learn more about agape love, could you recommend a couple of readings on the topic?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/29/i-want-to-learn-more-about-this-agape-love-you-mentioned-in-your-earlier-answer-about-finding-meaning-in-suffering-through-forgiveness-if-i-wanted-to-learn-more-about-agape-love-could-you-reco/) - Yes, I would recommend Gene Outka’s classic book Agape and this journal article: Enright, R.D., Wang Xu, J., Rapp, H., Evans, M., & Song, J. (2022). The philosophy and social science of agape love. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 42(4), 220– 237. https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000202 - [Thank you for your response to my question about suffering.  Ok, you have convinced me that we can find meaning in our suffering.  So, my next question is this: What do you see that people learn when they forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/29/thank-you-for-your-response-to-my-question-about-suffering-ok-you-have-convinced-me-that-we-can-find-meaning-in-our-suffering-so-my-next-question-is-this-what-do-you-see-that-people-l/) - When people forgive, they learn more deeply about mercy, and if they keep at it and practice forgiveness, they can learn to love more consistently and more deeply. After all, the highest form of forgiveness is to offer agape love to others, and this can take time to learn and master. Yet, with the practice - [Can we actually grow through our suffering?  In other words, is suffering just for nothing, or can we find meaning in it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/29/can-we-actually-grow-through-our-suffering-in-other-words-is-suffering-just-for-nothing-or-can-we-find-meaning-in-it/) - The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl made the fascinating point that we can find meaning in any area of our lives, including in suffering. He asked us in his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning: What can we learn from the difficult challenges of life? Some people say that, when they suffer injustices from others, this makes - [What do you suggest that I do in the following situation?  I now am part of a peer group that seems to be against forgiveness.  The members of this group suggest that forgiveness is weak and we need to be tough and fight for justice.  How do I stay true to forgiveness under these frustrating conditions?  Should I just leave the group?  We have common interests, such as sports, watching movies, and supporting one another.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/28/what-do-you-suggest-that-i-do-in-the-following-situation-i-now-am-part-of-a-peer-group-that-seems-to-be-against-forgiveness-the-members-of-this-group-suggest-that-forgiveness-is-weak-and/) - If you want to stay in the group, you need to respond internally---in your own mind --- each time an untrue statement is made about forgiveness. Resolve the issue in your own mind first. Do you think you can, at least at times, gently answer a statement of weakness by saying, “Here is another perspective. - [One more issue with my past materialist philosophy: Not only would forgiveness be out the window, but so would love.  What would love mean from a neurological perspective?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/28/one-more-issue-with-my-past-materialist-philosophy-not-only-would-forgiveness-be-out-the-window-but-so-would-love-what-would-love-mean-from-a-neurological-perspective/) - Excellent question. As in the case of forgiveness, love from a materialist perspective obliterates original thoughts toward others, unique feelings, well-formed choices about how to serve the other, and, basically, how to truly grow in our humanity. It would render the idea of moral growth in our personhood impossible. - [Thank you for your important idea on free will.  I like it because it makes us agents of our own morality.  I think it makes us more human than the idea that all we are is derived from our biology.  The exclusive biological philosophy can lead to despair because we lack goals we can form and strive to achieve. Thank you.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/28/thank-you-for-your-important-idea-on-free-will-i-like-it-because-it-makes-us-agents-of-our-own-morality-i-think-it-makes-us-more-human-than-the-idea-that-all-we-are-is-derived-from-our-b/) - Yes, an extreme neurological view of humanity takes away free will and therefore takes away our choice to act in a morally good or bad way. It basically takes away all moral virtues because, by definition, all moral virtues involve a free-will choice to be good in some way. Forgiveness, therefore, would be an illusion - [What would you suggest to me about my worldview that I want to change.  I basically have been duped into taking a strict materialist or neurobiological view of the world.  This emerged from some of my reading.  Here is what I mean: Some kept saying that we are what our neurons are.  We are what our brainwaves are.  That’s all we are.  Now I see that this is nonsense because it has the hidden assumption that we are all robots.  OK, it’s your turn.  How would you respond to this, given your studies of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/27/what-would-you-suggest-to-me-about-my-worldview-that-i-want-to-change-i-basically-have-been-duped-into-taking-a-strict-materialist-or-neurobiological-view-of-the-world-this-emerged-from/) - If we are nothing but robots wired to respond without our thinking, without our desires, then we never can truly forgive. Forgiveness assumes that people can choose to act unjustly. We assume that injustice is bad because the person had a choice to behave differently, more fairly. We assume that each person has free will, - [In your experience, how will forgiving affect trust later on?  For example, I was hurt in a past relationship, and now I am hesitant to enter into a new one.  My trust is damaged.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/27/in-your-experience-how-will-forgiving-affect-trust-later-on-for-example-i-was-hurt-in-a-past-relationship-and-now-i-am-hesitant-to-enter-into-a-new-one-my-trust-is-damaged/) - Trust basically centers on reconciliation rather than on forgiveness. As people forgive, they tend to be more open to reconciliation, particularly when the other person is acting more fairly. A key issue about forgiveness and trust is this: If someone else is mean to you in a relationship, you now know how to forgive and - [I have been hurt in a romantic relationship that lasted three years.  I think this painful experience helped me to become a more sensitive person to others’ pain.  Yet, in my becoming a sensitive person, I now am wondering if I have become a weaker person, not as strong as before.  As an example, I am less likely to speak up when people annoy me because I see others’ pain, even when they are displacing it onto others.  Sensitive vs, strong: What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/27/i-have-been-hurt-in-a-romantic-relationship-that-lasted-three-years-i-think-this-painful-experience-helped-me-to-become-a-more-sensitive-person-to-others-pain-yet-in-my-becomin/) - Your being sensitive to other people need not lead to the conclusion that you are now weak. You do not seem to hesitate in speaking up out of fear, but out of insight----knowledge that the one who is annoying is acting out of internalized pain. Please keep in mind that, as you see the other - [Have you found any cross-cultural differences in forgiveness that you can share with me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/26/have-you-found-any-cross-cultural-differences-in-forgiveness-that-you-can-share-with-me/) - We did find in one instance that some people in Asia would prefer to have an apology from the one who acted unjustly. This quest for an apology was stronger in Asia than in the United States. This seems to be based on an emphasis on social harmony and what is called “saving face.” In - [Is it possible to forgive on behalf of someone else?  Here is what I mean: My brother is estranged from our father.  I would like to say to Dad, “On behalf of my brother, I want to offer you forgiveness.”  Is this appropriate or not?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/26/is-it-possible-to-forgive-on-behalf-of-someone-else-here-is-what-i-mean-my-brother-is-estranged-from-our-father-i-would-like-to-say-to-dad-on-behalf-of-my-brother-i-want-to-o/) - If your father has been unfair to you, then you can forgive him. If you have seen unjust behavior by your father toward your brother and this has upset you, you can forgive your father for the indirect pain he has caused you. You cannot forgive “on behalf of” your brother because that is his - [I am a Christian who has had a rocky time with my grandmother, who passed away recently.  I think I have completed all of the processes of forgiveness and can honestly say that I have forgiven her.  There is one thing I have not found in your books, and it is this: Can you help me understand how I might practice reconciliation with her now that she is no longer on this earth?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/26/i-am-a-christian-who-has-had-a-rocky-time-with-my-grandmother-who-passed-away-recently-i-think-i-have-completed-all-of-the-processes-of-forgiveness-and-can-honestly-say-that-i-have-forgiven-he/) - As a Christian, you believe in the afterlife. Therefore, God willing, you very well may meet your grandmother again in the afterlife. You can begin now by thinking through what you likely will say to her and how you will behave toward her. With a forgiving heart, the way you likely will relate to her - [Regarding the theoretical framework: Which school of psychology does this approach to forgiveness primarily align with?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/25/regarding-the-theoretical-framework-which-school-of-psychology-does-this-approach-to-forgiveness-primarily-align-with/) - We have based our understanding of forgiveness on Aristotle's philosophy of classical realism. You can read about this work in a special issue of the APA Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology's February 2025 issue. - [Is forgiveness an innate capacity, or does it only emerge when we encounter deep hurt? Could you please elaborate on this: Does the meaning of forgiveness only begin to blossom once an individual possesses the hope and the will to forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/25/is-forgiveness-an-innate-capacity-or-does-it-only-emerge-when-we-encounter-deep-hurt-could-you-please-elaborate-on-this-does-the-meaning-of-forgiveness-only-begin-to-blossom-once-an-individual-poss/) - Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, does not appear to be innate, but instead requires practice. The more a person can practice, with a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and is not, the more likely the person is to forgive. Also, a person can forgive whether or not there is deep hurt. It may be more difficult or - [Regarding the process of forgiveness, I know that the Enright Process Model is flexible, allowing individuals to move forward or backward based on their personal progress. What is the minimum requirement (in terms of specific steps or psychological state) for someone to be considered to have achieved forgiveness within this model?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/04/25/regarding-the-process-of-forgiveness-i-know-that-the-enright-process-model-is-flexible-allowing-individuals-to-move-forward-or-backward-based-on-their-personal-progress-what-is-the-minimum-requirem/) - There are at least three indications that the person has forgiven: a) because part of the process is to understand what forgiveness is and is not, a person is able to self-evaluate whether or not the process is relatively complete. Please keep in mind that forgiveness is not a perfect activity. In other words, a person still - [Do you have empirically validated evidence that forgiveness reduces what you call resentment or irritability?  If so, can you share just one study showing this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/31/do-you-have-empirically-validated-evidence-that-forgiveness-reduces-what-you-call-resentment-or-irritability-if-so-can-you-share-just-one-study-showing-this/) - I would recommend the study by Yu et al. (2021) in which men in a maximum-security correctional institution took about six months to forgive people who abused them in childhood or adolescence. After this forgiveness intervention, the men went on average from clinically angry to normal levels, and this remained in a follow-up assessment six - [I recently have been released from prison after a number of years. Do you have any stories of people, similar to me, who have been released and who have forgiven those who abused them when they were young?  I want to be free of this burden, and the sooner the better.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/30/i-recently-have-been-released-from-prison-after-a-number-of-years-do-you-have-any-stories-of-people-similar-to-me-who-have-been-released-and-who-have-forgiven-those-who-abused-them-when-they-were-y/) - Yes, I would recommend a video by Sylvester Jackson, who was released from a maximum-security correctional institution. He has forgiven those who abused him when he was growing up. Here is a link to that video: https://youtu.be/34GOxVE7HLI?si=Qf6v035iswJtKGnB - [I am a Christian believer, and I am wondering if you can offer just one Bible passage to help me with my shame and self-condemnation. Thank you in advance for this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/30/i-am-a-christian-believer-and-i-am-wondering-if-you-can-offer-just-one-bible-passage-to-help-me-with-my-shame-and-self-condemnation-thank-you-in-advance-for-this/) - I would recommend that you reflect on the ideas in Genesis 1 that all people are made in the image and likeness of God. This idea is repeated in this same chapter. If all people are made in God’s image, then you, too, are so made. Given this reality, who are you as a person? - [As just one more follow-up question, if I start to forgive on my own, I like your self-help book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. Would you recommend that I start there?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/28/as-just-one-more-follow-up-question-if-i-start-to-forgive-on-my-own-i-like-your-self-help-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-would-you-recommend-that-i-start-there/) - Yes, that book has been empirically supported, as its principles have been applied successfully in research on forgiveness interventions. If you decide to seek the help of a mental health professional, you could bring a copy of that book to this person, and both of you could discuss the contents of the book as you - [Thank you for suggesting that I start forgiving soon. Would you recommend that I start with a therapist, or can I do this on my own?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/28/thank-you-for-suggesting-that-i-start-forgiving-soon-would-you-recommend-that-i-start-with-a-therapist-or-can-i-do-this-on-my-own/) - You can start on your own, and if you feel stuck and need support, then finding a good therapist is recommended. Please ensure that this mental health professional is well-versed in Forgiveness Therapy. Otherwise, the person might suggest other paths that may not be as effective as a forgiveness intervention. - [I tend to have moderate to high levels of anger.  I actually am scared that my holding onto this anger could kill me.  When would you recommend that I start to forgive those who were unfair to me, leading to this anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/28/i-tend-to-have-moderate-to-high-levels-of-anger-i-actually-am-scared-that-my-holding-onto-this-anger-could-kill-me-when-would-you-recommend-that-i-start-to-forgive-those-who-were-unfair/) - You definitely are not denying the anger. You are seeing that it can harm you. You seem ready to forgive. You can start today or as soon as possible to forgive. - [If I try to minimize in my own mind the extent of another person’s injustice against me, this tends to lower my anger.  Is this approach all right in your view?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/27/if-i-try-to-minimize-in-my-own-mind-the-extent-of-another-persons-injustice-against-me-this-tends-to-lower-my-anger-is-this-approach-all-right-in-your-view/) - No, actually, it is not, because it denies what happened. This denial will not necessarily lead to a more lasting reduction in the anger. For example, weeks later, you might have a thought that is more accurate regarding the extent of the injustice against you. You then will have to deal with that. If, on - [You talk frequently about the negative aspects of anger. My question is this: Are all forms of anger unhealthy? In other words, do I have to avoid anger at all costs?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/27/you-talk-frequently-about-the-negative-aspects-of-anger-my-question-is-this-are-all-forms-of-anger-unhealthy-in-other-words-do-i-have-to-avoid-anger-at-all-costs/) - When we talk about anger, for example, in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, authored by Dr. Fitzgibbons and me, the emphasis is on deep and abiding anger, what psychologists call resentment and psychiatrists call irritability. This kind of anger can lead to compromises in emotional health, such as an increase in anxiety and depression. Yet, short-term - [What Does Forgiveness Entail?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/25/what-does-forgiveness-entail/) - On January 26, 2026, Richard Balkin, a professor at the University of Mississippi, published an article on the website The Conversation discussing forgiveness. In two places on the site, he defines forgiveness this way: “At its core, forgiveness is internal: a way of laying down ill will and our emotional burden......” “......forgiveness comes when we - [Announcing a New Initiative: Families for Forgiveness Education](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/25/announcing-a-new-initiative-families-for-forgiveness-education/) - In conjunction with Mary Lou Coons, who runs the Puppets for Peace Foundation, we are launching a new initiative entitled Families for Forgiveness Education. The point of this effort is to encourage interested parents (or other adults in the family) to teach children and adolescents about forgiveness at home. The website for this is being - [Can a person forgive another in a short amount of time, say, 10 minutes or even a couple of hours?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/27/can-a-person-forgive-another-in-a-short-amount-of-time-say-10-minutes-or-even-a-couple-of-hours/) - Yes, this is possible, but in my experience, the forgiver in such a case is not usually struggling with a grave offense. Very serious offenses usually require the strong medicine of forgiveness, which can take weeks or even months. As one example, Dr. Suzanne Freedman worked with incest survivors, and it took them, on average, - [If a person is in denial about his anger, how can he possibly break that denial?  My partner has issues with his family, particularly from when he was a child, and he refuses to see this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/27/if-a-person-is-in-denial-about-his-anger-how-can-he-possibly-break-that-denial-my-partner-has-issues-with-his-family-particularly-from-when-he-was-a-child-and-he-refuses-to-see-this/) - Denial of anger can have repercussions for one’s emotional well-being. A key may be this: See if your partner is willing to examine his inner world. Try to get him to see the inner discontent, possible fatigue, and even possible unhappiness---without asking about causes yet. If these can be uncovered, the next question is: Are - [Thank you for your response to my question about some offenses being so awful that no one should forgive the perpetrators.  You said this is not true because some people do forgive those who commit horrible crimes.  My follow-up question is this: Might those who forgive under such awful circumstances be committing a philosophical mistake?  In other words, they should not be forgiving, but don’t know any better?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/26/thank-you-for-your-response-to-my-question-about-some-offenses-being-so-awful-that-no-one-should-forgive-the-perpetrators-you-said-this-is-not-true-because-some-people-do-forgive-those-who-comm/) - What would be the basis for you concluding that they are wrong? For example, if a person forgives the murderer of her child and sees the murderer as a person, someone who does possess worth despite the atrocity, is this an error of judgement? Isn’t it true that the perpetrator still is unique in all - [I think it is wrong to forgive people for certain offenses.  For example, a murderer of a parent’s child is just too much.  I think we need to draw the line, and this is one of them for me.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/26/i-think-it-is-wrong-to-forgive-people-for-certain-offenses-for-example-a-murderer-of-a-parents-child-is-just-too-much-i-think-we-need-to-draw-the-line-and-this-is-one-of-them/) - Even if some people refuse to forgive those who perpetrate certain kinds of injustices, there are people who do forgive under such circumstances. Therefore, the conclusion is this: All offending people are forgivable, regardless of the offense, for those who choose to forgive. There are those who will refuse to forgive people for certain offenses. - [I think that self-acceptance is better than self-forgiveness because it avoids the controversy that a person cannot actually forgive the self.  What do you think about this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/26/i-think-that-self-acceptance-is-better-than-self-forgiveness-because-it-avoids-the-controversy-that-a-person-cannot-actually-forgive-the-self-what-do-you-think-about-this/) - As you can see from the other recent posts here, I have responded to criticisms of self-forgiveness, concluding that it is a reasonable approach when a person is engaged in self-loathing. Self-acceptance does not go as far as self-forgiveness. In other words, when you deeply self-forgive, you are loving yourself again, after a possible period - [I read a while back one of your essays on self-loathing and forgiveness.  Can you point me in the right direction so that I can re-read that essay?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/26/i-read-a-while-back-one-of-your-essays-on-self-loathing-and-forgiveness-can-you-point-me-in-the-right-direction-so-that-i-can-re-read-that-essay/) - Yes, that essay was published on Psychology Today’s website here: The Cure for Self Loathing? Self-Forgiveness, July 22, 2017 - [One other question: Might self-forgiveness lead to an excessive focus on myself?  I do not need self-absorption.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/25/one-other-question-might-self-forgiveness-lead-to-an-excessive-focus-on-myself-i-do-not-need-self-absorption/) - You need the moral virtue of temperance when you forgive others and when you forgive yourself. In other words, take some time, but do not overdo it when forgiving others or yourself. The exercise of the virtue of temperance will be a protection against overdoing a focus on the self. - [Thank for your answer to my previous question about self-forgiveness.  I still am having a problem with self-forgiveness.  It is this: How can I genuinely decide whether I have wronged myself, given that I am now the defendant (I did wrong) and the judge of my own conduct?  In a court of law, the defendant and the judge differ.  In the case of self-forgiveness, aren’t I taking on both roles?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/25/thank-for-your-answer-to-my-previous-question-about-self-forgiveness-i-still-am-having-a-problem-with-self-forgiveness-it-is-this-how-can-i-genuinely-decide-whether-i-have-wronged-mysel/) - No, you are not taking on both roles of defendant and judge when you forgive yourself. Why? It is because when you self-forgive, you are not doing so in a court of law. Instead, you are deciding, through your own conscience, that you did wrong and you are welcoming yourself back into the human community, - [In your experience, what is one big stumbling block to self-forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/25/in-your-experience-what-is-one-big-stumbling-block-to-self-forgiveness/) - I have found that some people reach the incorrect conclusion that self-forgiveness is impossible because they cannot forgive their own sins. Yet, when you self-forgive, you are not forgiving your sins. Instead, you are striving to rekindle a sense of your own self-worth, having compassion on yourself for what you did. It is similar to - [How am I to balance forgiving and setting healthy boundaries with my boss?  He is too demanding, but I need to keep my job.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/03/25/how-am-i-to-balance-forgiving-and-setting-healthy-boundaries-with-my-boss-he-is-too-demanding-but-i-need-to-keep-my-job/) - I recommend that you first practice forgiveness so that your anger lessens. With quieter emotions, you then should consider approaching your boss about the theme of mutual respect. Please keep in mind that the boss might be offended at first, but over time, with gentle perseverance on your part, you may help your boss understand - [If forgiveness is a journey, what are some indications that it is occurring successfully?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/27/if-forgiveness-is-a-journey-what-are-some-indications-that-it-is-occurring-successfully/) - I would say that there are at least three indications. First, do you have a deep understanding of what forgiving actually is? Do you see it as a moral virtue in which you willingly offer mercy to the offending person without excusing the unjust behavior or tossing aside the quest for justice? Second, as the - [What would you say to a person who fears forgiving because it may make him look weak?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/27/what-would-you-say-to-a-person-who-fears-forgiving-because-it-may-make-him-look-weak/) - I would say this: Is standing up to the pain without passing it to the offending person or to others a sign of weakness? Is having mercy on those who have not had mercy on you showing weakness or strength? Is striving for both mercy and fairness together a sign of weakness or strength? As - [What are the dangers of confusing forgiveness with excusing?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/26/what-are-the-dangers-of-confusing-forgiveness-with-excusing/) - Consider two dangers. First, if you excuse the behavior, you are saying it was not so bad. You, therefore, may go into the relationship as before, opening yourself up to further hurt. When you do not excuse the behavior, you can strive for fairness as you forgive. As a second danger, equating forgiveness with excusing - [Do I need empathy to forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/26/do-i-need-empathy-to-forgive/) - Empathy is the ability to “step inside the shoes” of others and to see the world from their viewpoint. Empathy does help in the forgiveness process, but forgiveness goes well beyond empathy. Empathy is morally neutral. In other words, you can “step inside the shoes” of another person and see nastiness inside there. As you - [Thank you for answering my previous question, “Can forgiveness occur without an apology and, if so, how?” I now understand about forgiving as unconditional, meaning that the other does not have to apologize for me to go ahead and forgive.  Yet, I really want that apology.  Can you offer some insight into this for me, why I still want that apology even though I can forgive unconditionally?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/26/thank-you-for-answering-my-previous-question-can-forgiveness-occur-without-an-apology-and-if-so-how-i-now-understand-about-forgiving-as-unconditional-meaning-that-the-other-does/) - I have written an essay on this very topic on my Psychology Today website. Here is a link to that essay entitled, Why Is It So Hard to Forgive a Person Who Does Not Apologize?: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202512/why-is-it-so-hard-to-forgive-a-person-who-does-not-apologize - [Can forgiveness occur without an apology and, if so, how?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/25/can-forgiveness-occur-without-an-apology-and-if-so-how/) - Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it concerns the offering of moral good to the one who was unfair. You are free to offer any moral virtue unconditionally, whenever you wish. For example, do others have to do something before you exercise the moral virtue of justice? No, because you are free to be just - [How can forgiving transform the way we see the one who was unfair?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/25/how-can-forgiving-transform-the-way-we-see-the-one-who-was-unfair/) - Forgiveness expands one’s perspective of who the other person is. As we forgive, the stereotype of who the other person is begins to diminish. In other words, when people are hurt, they can think of the other only in terms of the hurtful behavior. As we forgive, we begin to see the inherent worth of - [From my experience, many people struggle with the idea of forgiving, even when they want inner peace.  I am wondering why you think this is so.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/25/from-my-experience-many-people-struggle-with-the-idea-of-forgiving-even-when-they-want-inner-peace-i-am-wondering-why-you-think-this-is-so/) - Many people actually do not understand forgiveness in its depth. In other words, they presume that they know what it is, but confuse it with “just moving on” or with reconciling with the one who was unfair. “Moving on” by itself can be very difficult, and therefore, if forgiveness is confused with this, a person - [Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/25/protecting-yourself-if-you-want-to-forgive/) - Given the recent criticism of forgiveness, Robert Enright recently published an essay on the Psychology Today website titled “Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive.” It can be found here: Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive, February 19, 2026 - [Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory Available Soon!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/24/enright-forgiveness-motivation-inventory-available-soon/) - A new forgiveness measure has been validated and soon will be on this website, free of charge for those who ask for a copy of it. The scale is called the Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI). It assesses people’s reasons for forgiving. As examples, is the person primarily forgiving to heal from emotional challenges? Is - [Insights on Forgiveness & Childhood Trauma](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/23/insights-on-forgiveness-childhood-trauma/) - In a comprehensive literature review, a group of researchers found that forgiving others for adverse childhood experiences can be difficult. Yet, they conclude in their Abstract, “.....forgiveness of specific perpetrators was associated with better outcomes across studies, though survivors with severe abuse histories typically reported greater difficulty with forgiving. Studies revealed harmful effects when survivors - [I know you distinguish between forgiving and reconciling.  Yet, I still have a fear that if I forgive my ex-boyfriend, who was quite abusive, then I might be tempted to give it another try, which I do not want to do.  What would you suggest to me in this frustrating situation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/24/i-know-you-distinguish-between-forgiving-and-reconciling-yet-i-still-have-a-fear-that-if-i-forgive-my-ex-boyfriend-who-was-quite-abusive-then-i-might-be-tempted-to-give-it-another-try-which/) - You need to be strong in your thinking about what reconciliation actually is. You would need trust that he has remorse (inner sorrow), repentance (the sincere proclamation of that sorrow), and recompense (making up, as best he can, for the abusive behavior). You can forgive from the heart and be rid of the resentment, which - [My father's boss was deeply unfair to him at work. He hasn't forgiven. I think he is having a hard time starting the forgiveness process. I, too, currently am finding it difficult to forgive his boss, but I am ready to give it a try. Should I wait until my father forgives before I start the forgiveness process?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/24/my-fathers-boss-was-deeply-unfair-to-him-at-work-he-hasnt-forgiven-i-think-he-is-having-a-hard-time-starting-the-forgiveness-process-i-too-currently-am-finding-it-difficult-to-forgive-his-bos/) - Forgiving someone who has harmed a family member is totally acceptable if you also have been harmed by that behavior. You can extend forgiveness whenever you're ready. Therefore, you don't have to wait for your father to forgive first. You might demonstrate to your father that forgiveness is possible by forgiving his boss. - [I find it difficult to empathize with people if I can't see them, engage with them, or feel their suffering. So how can I truly forgive someone who isn't currently in my life?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/23/i-find-it-difficult-to-empathize-with-people-if-i-cant-see-them-engage-with-them-or-feel-their-suffering-so-how-can-i-truly-forgive-someone-who-isnt-currently-in-my-life/) - I suggest that you begin with thinking activities. In my book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, I discuss adopting a broader perspective on the people you wish to forgive. These viewpoints—personal, global, and cosmic—help you see others as vulnerable and possibly in pain, which can increase your empathy for them. - [Even though my sister was cruel to me, I still feel good about her. Does this mean that I have completed the forgiveness process? To put it another way, is forgiveness just about having positive feelings, or is there more involved?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/23/even-though-my-sister-was-cruel-to-me-i-still-feel-good-about-her-does-this-mean-that-i-have-completed-the-forgiveness-process-to-put-it-another-way-is-forgiveness-just-about-having-positive-feeli/) - The process of forgiving someone does not conclude with positive emotions alone. Positive emotions can be passive in and of themselves, if you think about it. For instance, you sit on the couch and feel good about your sister, but you never approach her in a pleasant way. Forgiveness is a moral attribute that encompasses - [I want to face the person who wronged me after I've forgiven. I feel that my forgiveness is lacking if I avoid confrontation. It is insufficient to simply think, feel, and even act in a positive way. For me to forgive, the other must change. Do you concur?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/23/i-want-to-face-the-person-who-wronged-me-after-ive-forgiven-i-feel-that-my-forgiveness-is-lacking-if-i-avoid-confrontation-it-is-insufficient-to-simply-think-feel-and-even-act-in-a-positive-way/) - I concur that, if a sincere, trustworthy reconciliation is to be achieved, the other person should change. If the primary objective is to exercise the moral virtue of forgiveness, then I disagree. I take it from your comment that you want justice, which is admirable. However, forgiveness and justice are not synonymous. Recognize that confronting - [I have forgiven my mom, but she refuses to see any wrong that she has done. I'm now an adult living away from home. Although my brother and I bear scars from her carelessness when we were growing up, she denies any neglect. My brother and I have given this matter a lot of thought, and we both feel that it is unfair. How can we show this to my mom?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/22/i-have-forgiven-my-mom-but-she-refuses-to-see-any-wrong-that-she-has-done-im-now-an-adult-living-away-from-home-although-my-brother-and-i-bear-scars-from-her-carelessness-when-we-were-growing-up/) - Your mother appears to be denying what actually occurred. It can be challenging to alter such a psychological defensive mechanism. This can take some time for your mom. The denial may lessen if she sees your love and support without conditions. Try, in the spirit of forgiveness, to gently bring up one specific instance of - [I hold quite different political opinions from my partner. He certainly does not appreciate my position, but I do respect his. We have a lot of arguments. I want to know how I can forgive him for being so combative about politics.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/22/i-hold-quite-different-political-opinions-from-my-partner-he-certainly-does-not-appreciate-my-position-but-i-do-respect-his-we-have-a-lot-of-arguments-i-want-to-know-how-i-can-forgive-him-for-bein/) - You should discuss what it is to be a human with him, in my opinion. Do individuals transcend their political stances? What is this "more" that transcends politics, if any? Does he think you have these other significant traits? He should, in my opinion, widen his understanding that people are more significant than politics. He - [From your reading, what is the earliest document that focuses, to at least some extent, on person-to-person forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/22/from-your-reading-what-is-the-earliest-document-that-focuses-to-at-least-some-extent-on-person-to-person-forgiving/) - From my reading, the earliest account of person-to-person forgiveness that gives some details is the story of Joseph forgiving his half-brothers for attempted murder and selling him into slavery in Egypt. You can read this important narrative in Genesis, chapters 37-45. The fact that nine chapters are devoted to this story of forgiveness is impressive. - [Addressing the “Both/And” Approach to Family Conflict: Why This Is Insufficient for Healing](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/02/20/addressing-the-both-and-approach-to-family-conflict-why-this-is-insufficient-for-healing/) - I recently read a self-help article about family conflict. The author was advocating for what is called the “both/and” approach to healing. It means this: Acknowledge the hurts against you, but also focus on times of positive interaction. Both are truthful, and if you can live with both side by side, this will promote healing. - [I just saw on an Internet website the idea that one can “forgive God.”  As a Christian believer, can I forgive God?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/31/i-just-saw-on-an-internet-website-the-idea-that-one-can-forgive-god-as-a-christian-believer-can-i-forgive-god/) - Absolutely not. Your theology will be very distorted if you think that you can “forgive God.” After all, forgiving takes place when the other acted very unjustly. Christians know God as all perfect, sinless, and holy. Acting unjustly, therefore, does not happen here. If you are disappointed with people’s injustices in the world, focus on - [If people are in denial about the depth of their anger, will they need help (feedback) from others to overcome it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/31/if-people-are-in-denial-about-the-depth-of-their-anger-will-they-need-help-feedback-from-others-to-overcome-it/) - Feedback might help to overcome the denial, but this will depend on how the feedback is given. For example, if the feedback is presented in an accusatory way, the person in denial might continue to deny the depth of the anger, concluding that the person giving the feedback is harsh and temperamental. If the feedback - [When treated unfairly by others, is it reasonable to expect the one who was unfair to do something about that behavior?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/30/when-treated-unfairly-by-others-is-it-reasonable-to-expect-the-one-who-was-unfair-to-do-something-about-that-behavior/) - There are differences among expecting the other to change, insisting on such change, and hoping for the change. If you hope the other changes, without expecting or demanding it, then you are free to forgive and to unburden yourself from resentment, even if the other person remains unrepentant. When you expect change, even though you - [Is there a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger when a person is treated unjustly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/30/is-there-a-distinction-between-healthy-and-unhealthy-anger-when-a-person-is-treated-unjustly/) - Yes, there is a difference. Unhealthy anger tends to be long-term, lasting many months or even years. Over time, this kind of anger can intensify, with the addition of anxiety and depression alongside the anger. In contrast, healthy anger is a short-term response to injustice. It basically is a signal to those who experienced unfairness - [I really want to forgive a family member, but I don’t want to go ahead without hearing those three little words, “I am sorry.”  I have read your posts about how forgiving is unconditional, and so I can go ahead whenever I am ready.  Yet, isn’t it the case that if I wait for this person to apologize, I'm actually helping him see the error of his ways, repent, and change? ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/30/i-really-want-to-forgive-a-family-member-but-i-dont-want-to-go-ahead-without-hearing-those-three-little-words-i-am-sorry-i-have-read-your-posts-about-how-forgiving/) - Yes, if you wait on forgiving, this can get the other person’s attention to see the injustice, change, and apologize. Yet, is this the only way to help the person? In other words, if you forgive, you then can approach the person with gentleness, point out the unfair behavior, and share how that behavior hurt - [An Achilles’ Heel for Forgiveness: The Lack of Perseverance](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/23/an-achilles-heel-for-forgiveness-the-lack-of-perseverance/) - In his classic work Pensees, Blaise Pascal discusses a challenge many people face. It is what he calls diversion, which is a kind of distraction from one’s primary goals in life. Diversion can temporarily be a source of entertainment or comfort in a challenging world. Yet, over time, such distractions can keep us from the - [Here is my eighth and final slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is letting what happened be what it is, with a focus on the present, and thriving now.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/29/here-is-my-eighth-and-final-slogan-about-forgiveness-forgiveness-is-letting-what-happened-be-what-it-is-with-a-focus-on-the-present-and-thriving-now/) - This suggests equating forgiveness with acceptance. Yet, forgiveness is not about focusing on the situation itself, even if it involves accepting that situation, but instead emphasizes mercy toward a person, particularly the one who was unjust to you. I would highly recommend that you consult the special issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical - [Here is my seventh slogan about forgiveness: “Just let it go and move on.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/29/here-is-my-seventh-slogan-about-forgiveness-just-let-it-go-and-move-on/) - You can “just let it go” because you are, even subtly, condemning the person. In other words, you could be passing a very negative judgement toward the one who offended by thinking in this way: “This person is such a low-life that there are no redeeming qualities in this person. So, I will just dismiss - [Here now is my sixth slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is about giving love. Yet, that love is centered on giving it to ourselves and not to the one who behaved badly.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/28/here-now-is-my-sixth-slogan-about-forgiveness-forgiveness-is-about-giving-love-yet-that-love-is-centered-on-giving-it-to-ourselves-and-not-to-the-one-who-behaved-badly/) - You, again, are confusing the essence of forgiveness, which is a free-will giving of goodness to the other person, and the consequence of what happens inside the forgiver. Yes, you can experience love toward the self (as a consequence) as you offer this to the other, seeing that person as possessing inherent worth and as - [Here is my fifth slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness ultimately is about freedom.  It is a freedom from the burden of resentment because of what happened to me.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/28/here-is-my-fifth-slogan-about-forgiveness-forgiveness-ultimately-is-about-freedom-it-is-a-freedom-from-the-burden-of-resentment-because-of-what-happened-to-me/) - Actually, forgiveness is about giving, the giving of goodness in the form of mercy, and on its highest level, love to those who behaved badly. As with your fourth slogan, you may be confusing what forgiveness is with one major consequence of forgiving. As we give this mercy to the other (in terms of what - [Here is my fourth slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is the struggle to help change the other person so that the injustice stops.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/27/here-is-my-fourth-slogan-about-forgiveness-forgiveness-is-the-struggle-to-help-change-the-other-person-so-that-the-injustice-stops/) - This desire to help the other is part of forgiveness because, in forgiving, the forgiver wants what is best for the other person. Yet, one can forgive even if the other refuses the forgiver’s overture of mercy and a second chance. The struggle to help change the person runs deeper when the goal is reconciliation, - [Here is my third slogan about forgiveness: “When I forgive, I give up the expectation that the other person will change and, instead, focus on my own healing.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/27/here-is-my-third-slogan-about-forgiveness-when-i-forgive-i-give-up-the-expectation-that-the-other-person-will-change-and-instead-focus-on-my-own-healing/) - This, as was the case with your first and second slogans, is incorrect. All moral virtues concern goodness, and this is also the case with forgiveness, where the focus is on the one who behaved badly. You try, with effort and time, to see the inherent worth in that person. A consequence of this----a consequence, - [Here is my second slogan concerning what forgiveness is: “As I now look back, I see that the issue was not important once I completed the forgiveness process.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/26/here-is-my-second-slogan-concerning-what-forgiveness-is-as-i-now-look-back-i-see-that-the-issue-was-not-important-once-i-completed-the-forgiveness-process/) - This, as was the case with your first slogan, is incorrect. Forgiveness takes place in the context of unfairness, and so what happened was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair, even if you forgive. Forgiveness changes your view of the person. It does not alter the rightness or wrongness of the other person’s - [I have heard a number of slogans concerning what forgiveness is.  I am wondering your opinion of each of these.  I have eight points that I would like you to address one at a time.   I hope my issues and your responses clarify what we really mean when we forgive others. The first slogan goes something like this: “I forgive you because I was not hurt by your actions.”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/26/i-have-heard-a-number-of-slogans-concerning-what-forgiveness-is-i-am-wondering-your-opinion-of-each-of-these-i-have-eight-points-that-i-would-like-you-to-address-one-at-a-time-i/) - When we are treated unjustly, it is normal to feel hurt because unfairness is not pleasant. Our getting angry in the short-run shows that we understand what unfairness is. Therefore, we can experience hurt, and this does not invalidate the forgiveness process, but makes the acknowledgment of the hurt part of the beginning of the - [Thank you for giving me advice on not moving forward with a 2-hour forgiveness approach, given my long-standing hurt from my cousin.  Which of your books would you recommend?  I like the Socratic dialogue in your book, The Forgiving Life.  Do you think that might help?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/25/thank-you-for-giving-me-advice-on-not-moving-forward-with-a-2-hour-forgiveness-approach-given-my-long-standing-hurt-from-my-cousin-which-of-your-books-would-you-recommend-i-like-the-soc/) - Yes, The Forgiving Life book works you through our Process Model of Forgiveness, as do my other self-help books. You are correct that The Forgiving Life is a dialogue between two people, as you read how they go about the forgiveness process. If you like the Socratic dialogue, then this is the book for you. - [I recently read an article in which the author claims that the reader will be able to accomplish forgiving another person in less than two hours.  I have a long-standing conflict with my cousin that goes back years.  Do you think I should look into this 2-hour approach?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/25/i-recently-read-an-article-in-which-the-author-claims-that-the-reader-will-be-able-to-accomplish-forgiving-another-person-in-less-than-two-hours-i-have-a-long-standing-conflict-with-my-cousin-t/) - Our research shows that deep hurts from other people’s injustice take weeks or months to heal. We find that at least 12 weeks usually are necessary for these deep hurts to begin healing through forgiveness. Therefore, the 2-hour idea is for those with minor offenses against them and minimal psychological harm. In your case, I - [I have been ignoring a co-worker who is harsh with me.  I am wondering if this makes me a bad person.  I do not hate the person and I feel sorry for him. I just can’t take the harshness.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/24/i-have-been-ignoring-a-co-worker-who-is-harsh-with-me-i-am-wondering-if-this-makes-me-a-bad-person-i-do-not-hate-the-person-and-i-feel-sorry-for-him-i-just-cant-take-the-harshn/) - It seems to me that your issue is one of reconciliation. You are not harboring hatred, as you say. You even “feel sorry” for him. So, there is no indication of being a “bad person” who might want to seek revenge and be hurtful. So, I recommend that you work on changing your views of - [I am aware of the success of forgiveness with adults in prison.  I now am wondering if you have any evidence that forgiveness interventions can work in juvenile corrections.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/24/i-am-aware-of-the-success-of-forgiveness-with-adults-in-prison-i-now-am-wondering-if-you-have-any-evidence-that-forgiveness-interventions-can-work-in-juvenile-corrections/) - Yes, we have two published studies, both conducted in South Korea, demonstrating the effectiveness of forgiveness interventions for adolescents. The two references are as follows: Park, J.H., Enright, R.D., Essex, M.J., Zahn-Waxler, C., & Klatt, J.S. (2013). Forgiveness intervention for female South Korean adolescent aggressive victims. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 20, 393-402. Ji, W. - [I have been reading a lot about the idea that “forgiveness is for you” (the injured person), not for the one who behaved badly.  Do you agree?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/23/i-have-been-reading-a-lot-about-the-idea-that-forgiveness-is-for-you-the-injured-person-not-for-the-one-who-behaved-badly-do-you-agree/) - No, I do not agree with this idea. If forgiveness is a moral virtue, then it concerns goodness toward others, particularly the one who was unjust in the case of forgiveness. In fact, I have written an essay for Psychology Today about this very issue here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202510/forgiveness-is-for-me-not-for-the-offending-one-is-false - [Is forgiving others basically a decision, such as a decision to be kind to the one who was unfair?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2026/01/23/is-forgiving-others-basically-a-decision-such-as-a-decision-to-be-kind-to-the-one-who-was-unfair/) - Decisions are part of forgiveness, but not the entire essence of forgiving. As a moral virtue, forgiveness includes thinking (a decision is a thought), feelings, motivation, and actions toward the one who was unjust. Here is an analogy to make it clearer. Suppose you decided to work in a soup kitchen to help people without - [Isn’t forgiveness different for all who experience it?  After all, we are all unique.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/30/isnt-forgiveness-different-for-all-who-experience-it-after-all-we-are-all-unique/) - Your idea of complete differences for each person who forgives is a philosophy of relativism. Here is a different perspective for your consideration: Aristotle distinguishes between the Essence and the Existence of different phenomena. Essence is the objective reality of what something is. All chairs, for example, share certain commonalities that differ from those of - [Special Issue of a Journal on Forgiveness Education](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/30/special-issue-of-a-journal-on-forgiveness-education/) - The open-access journal Education Sciences has published 11 articles from a wide range of world contexts, all centered on forgiveness education. The introductory article, written by Dr. Suzanne Freedman, is here: https://www.mdpi.com/2227-7102/15/12/1628. - [If those who offend others have experienced a lot of pain in their lives, do you think they would be more open to accepting the offended person’s overture of forgiving than, say, others who have rarely experienced pain in their lives?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/30/if-those-who-offend-others-have-experienced-a-lot-of-pain-in-their-lives-do-you-think-they-would-be-more-open-to-accepting-the-offended-persons-overture-of-forgiving-than-say-others-who-ha/) - Yes, you are making a good point, particularly if the people are aware of the pain and its effects on them. In some cases, people who have experienced much pain are unaware of it and can end up displacing the anger onto others. Once the psychological defense of denial becomes conscious, it is usually less - [Are You Ready to Become Forgivingly Fit?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/30/are-you-ready-to-become-forgivingly-fit/) - Robert Enright wants you to become “forgivingly fit.” In other words, when you have been treated very unfairly by others, your forgiveness likely will require both time and effort. In our “hurry up” world, there is a tendency to seek the quickest and least painful path. Yet, if you want to forgive deeply, you likely - [An Unprecedented “Big Data” Study in Australia Shows the Association between Forgiveness and Well-Being in Children and Adolescents](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/23/an-unprecedented-big-data-study-in-australia-shows-the-association-between-forgiveness-and-well-being-in-children-and-adolescents/) - A recent study with 79,670 children and adolescents (aged 7 to 18) in Australia examined whether those who report favorably on forgiveness also have sound psychological health. They concluded their Abstract this way: “These big data findings provide firm evidence that, like adult samples, forgiveness and self-forgiveness are factors in promoting psychological wellbeing, at least - [Dr. Suzanne Freedman Has a Forgiveness Article Published with the Des Moines Register Newspaper](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/22/dr-suzanne-freedman-has-a-forgiveness-article-published-with-the-des-moines-register-newspaper/) - On December 6, 2025, Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a professor at The University of Northern Iowa, had a guest column in the Des Moines Register entitled "What We Get Wrong about Forgiveness and Why It Matters." In this insightful work, she makes the point that forgiving a person for an injustice does not require an apology. - [When Can Forgiveness Be Harmful to Emotional Healing?: Another Encounter with Artificial Intelligence](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/19/when-can-forgiveness-be-harmful-to-emotional-healing-another-encounter-with-artificial-intelligence/) - Over the past couple of years, the process of forgiveness has been criticized, and I have labeled this criticism as unnecessary or error-filled. For example, I published a blog on this site on August 21, 2024, entitled “The Summer of 2024 Now Has Seen Three Published Criticisms of Forgiveness” (https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/the-summer-of-2024-now-has-seen-three-published-criticisms-of-forgiveness/). Those criticisms made me curious. - [Worldwide Requests for Our Research Tools and Forgiveness Curriculum Guides](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/28/worldwide-requests-for-our-research-tools-and-forgiveness-curriculum-guides/) - Since the beginning of 2025, our International Forgiveness Institute has received requests for our forgiveness research tools and forgiveness curriculum guides from the following 40 countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Colombia, Egypt, El Salvador, France, Germany, Greece, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Israel, Italy, Japan, Malaysia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Panama, Peru, the Philippines, - [My friend keeps saying, “I have forgiven because I was not hurt by what he did.”  Is this forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/23/my-friend-keeps-saying-i-have-forgiven-because-i-was-not-hurt-by-what-he-did-is-this-forgiveness/) - Forgiveness is not the experience of never being hurt by the other’s unjust actions. Yet, a person can forgive even without experiencing deep hurt. Forgiveness for small things entails seeing the other as a worthwhile human being despite the annoyance. Forgiveness is to separate the worth of the other from the offense. You are not - [Can I still feel some pain and even anger after I have forgiven, by wishing the other well, softening my heart, and even giving a gift to the other person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/23/can-i-still-feel-some-pain-and-even-anger-after-i-have-forgiven-by-wishing-the-other-well-softening-my-heart-and-even-giving-a-gift-to-the-other-person/) - Yes, we can have residual pain and some anger left over upon forgiving. As I recall one person saying, we know we have forgiven when the memory of the injustice can pass through the heart without damage. - [Do you think that perpetrating evil can become part of a person’s identity if he practices evil long enough?  I am talking about sadistically and deliberately hurting others.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/22/do-you-think-that-perpetrating-evil-can-become-part-of-a-persons-identity-if-he-practices-evil-long-enough-i-am-talking-about-sadistically-and-deliberately-hurting-others/) - Yes, I think if a person deliberately and consistently decides to hurt others, this can become part of a person’s identity. Let me clarify. This does not necessarily mean that the person sees the self as an “evil person.” Denial can enter the picture, and so the person could end up interpreting the cruelty as - [How can I “bear the pain” when doing so makes me want to throw it back to the one who gave it to me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/22/how-can-i-bear-the-pain-when-doing-so-makes-me-want-to-throw-it-back-to-the-one-who-gave-it-to-me/) - Bearing the pain in the forgiveness process does not happen quickly. It usually emerges in our Work Phase after the person has taken time to cognitively see the other as possessing worth as a person, which eventually can lead to even a small amount of compassion toward this other person. Only then do we suggest - [When people displace their anger onto others, do you think this is primarily unconscious or is it a deliberate and conscious process?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/21/when-people-displace-their-anger-onto-others-do-you-think-this-is-primarily-unconscious-or-is-it-a-deliberate-and-conscious-process/) - Psychological defenses, such as displacing one’s own discontent onto others, are often unconscious. One goal of traditional psychotherapies is to make this conscious so the person can reduce the displacement. When the imposition of discontent, such as excessive anger, onto others is conscious, this usually involves a deliberate choice to seek revenge. In this case, - [If I don’t feel like giving a gift to the one who offended me, does this mean I am failing in the forgiveness process?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/21/if-i-dont-feel-like-giving-a-gift-to-the-one-who-offended-me-does-this-mean-i-am-failing-in-the-forgiveness-process/) - No, it does not mean failure. It only means that you have not reached that part of the forgiveness process yet. If you have already done some of the work of forgiving, such as examining an accurate definition of forgiveness, seeing the other person as truly human despite the offense, and beginning to soften your - [One reason for educating children about forgiveness is to prepare them for the injustices they will experience in adulthood.  I also suppose that a longitudinal study to explore this from childhood to adulthood would take at least 20 years, so it probably hasn't been done yet. Would this be a worthwhile study?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/20/one-reason-for-educating-children-about-forgiveness-is-to-prepare-them-for-the-injustices-they-will-experience-in-adulthood-i-also-suppose-that-a-longitudinal-study-to-explore-this-from-childho/) - This would be an amazing study and also a difficult study because, as you say, the researchers would have to wait decades to see the effects of the forgiveness education in adulthood. Yet, for now, this is an important hypothesis. Locating the children when they are adults might be very difficult, especially in conflict zones - [I am wondering about the idea that forgiveness involves, as you say, “giving a gift” to the one who was unfair.  I can imagine, in some cases, that this could backfire, with the other person rejecting the gift and even being critical of it.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/19/i-am-wondering-about-the-idea-that-forgiveness-involves-as-you-say-giving-a-gift-to-the-one-who-was-unfair-i-can-imagine-in-some-cases-that-this-could-backfire-with-the-o/) - Yes, the one who decides to give a gift to the other is taking a risk. Usually, the other is grateful for it, but at times the scenario can unfold as you describe in your question. When that happens, it can catch the gift-giver off guard. This, then, can be another occasion for forgiving to - [What is the clue that people in a romantic relationship truly have forgiven each other?  My concern is residual anger that could chip away at the relationship.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/19/what-is-the-clue-that-people-in-a-romantic-relationship-truly-have-forgiven-each-other-my-concern-is-residual-anger-that-could-chip-away-at-the-relationship/) - If each person is now concerned about the other's welfare and shows it, then it seems to me that both have forgiven. If there is residual anger, the other is going to see this because the anger will be coming at this other person. When this happens, it is a good idea to first forgive, - [I currently am taking a college class on forgiveness that lasts a semester.  Do you think I will be able to master the fine art of forgiveness by then?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/18/i-currently-am-taking-a-college-class-on-forgiveness-that-lasts-a-semester-do-you-think-i-will-be-able-to-master-the-fine-art-of-forgiveness-by-then/) - It depends on how deeply others hurt you. Deep hurts can take time and should not be rushed. Within a semester, you should be able to make good progress in forgiving. Please keep in mind that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget. Even - [Is it selfish for me to forgive for my own benefit?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/18/is-it-selfish-for-me-to-forgive-for-my-own-benefit/) - Forgiveness itself is the free-will decision to be good to those who have been unfair. This is exercising the moral virtues of mercy (giving more than what is deserved in justice) and, at its highest level, agape love (trying to do good to the other even when it is painful to do so). Therefore, these - [If the person who behaved badly continues with the unacceptable behavior, is it appropriate to just shut down forgiving and try something else?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/17/if-the-person-who-behaved-badly-continues-with-the-unacceptable-behavior-is-it-appropriate-to-just-shut-down-forgiving-and-try-something-else/) - As you forgive, even from the start, you can ask for fairness. If the other person persists in wrongdoing, persist (gently) in asking for fairness. It is important to continue forgiving because your anger at this point could be even higher than it was at the start. So, your continued forgiving, at the very least, - [Forgiveness is such a beautiful response to moral injury.  In your experience, have you ever seen a person who has done wrong reject this offer of mercy?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/12/17/forgiveness-is-such-a-beautiful-response-to-moral-injury-in-your-experience-have-you-ever-seen-a-person-who-has-done-wrong-reject-this-offer-of-mercy/) - Yes, in this imperfect world, some people reject the other’s forgiving and sometimes can get irritated by it. In other words, the one who did wrong is not ready to face the reality that, indeed, wrong was done. When this happens, I recommend that the forgiver recognize that the other person is not at the - [Recent Essays in Psychology Today](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/26/recent-essays-in-psychology-today/) - Within the past two months, Dr. Enright had the following two essays published In the on-line Psychology Today website: Are You Ready to Become Forgivingly Fit?, November 15, 2025 The False Idea That Forgiveness Is for Me, Not the Offender, October 8, 2025 The essays can be accessed by clicking on the two titles. - [College Students, Forgiveness, and Well-Being](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/27/college-students-forgiveness-and-well-being/) - In a study of 463 Spanish university students done in 2025, the researchers reported positive correlations among forgiveness, hope, and self-esteem. They reported negative correlations among forgiveness and anger, anxiety, and depression. The authors suggest that preparing the students for a healthy entry into the workplace as adults could be enhanced if universities had forgiveness - [As Elderly People Live with Their Family](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/25/as-elderly-people-live-with-their-family/) - Researchers, who did a study in India published in 2025, asked 12 elderly participants about their experiences of living with their families. The conclusion was that practicing forgiveness within the family context was helpful for these elderly participants in avoiding interpersonal conflicts and enhancing relationships within the family context. The reference to the article is - [Calling Artificial Intelligence.......Calling AI.  What Is Forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/24/calling-artificial-intelligence-calling-ai-what-is-forgiveness/) - Yesterday, I asked AI about forgiveness and received this definition: “Forgiveness is the intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it.” I then asked another form of rationality about this definition. That other form was my own studying of forgiveness for the - [Suppose there are five family members and they have a norm of angry outbursts among these members.  Further, suppose that one and only one of these family members learns to forgive and starts applying it directly in the family.  Do you think this one person could change the pattern of anger outbursts in the family?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/28/suppose-there-are-five-family-members-and-they-have-a-norm-of-angry-outbursts-among-these-members-further-suppose-that-one-and-only-one-of-these-family-members-learns-to-forgive-and-starts-app/) - Even one person could alter the norms of angry outbursts in a family, but it likely would take time, especially if the others resist. Yet, even one person who perseveres in forgiveness, discusses it temperately when appropriate, and shows restraint from the outbursts could change the norm. After all, norms occur when most people agree, - [Can you recommend some reading for me regarding forgiving myself?  I am guilty of acting unfairly toward some other people, and I want to unburden myself of this.  I want to be sure to forgive myself in an accurate way, and so I do not want to just pick up any reading material with the words “self-forgiveness” in it.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/28/can-you-recommend-some-reading-for-me-regarding-forgiving-myself-i-am-guilty-of-acting-unfairly-toward-some-other-people-and-i-want-to-unburden-myself-of-this-i-want-to-be-sure-to-forgi/) - I have a book entitled 8 Keys to Forgiveness. One of those eight keys is a chapter on self-forgiveness. I first go through some controversies about self-forgiveness and argue for its legitimacy. I then lead you through a pathway of self-forgiveness in that chapter. - [If forgiveness is being good to those who are not good to the forgiver, then what is the difference between forgiveness and altruism as moral virtues?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/28/if-forgiveness-is-being-good-to-those-who-are-not-good-to-the-forgiver-then-what-is-the-difference-between-forgiveness-and-altruism-as-moral-virtues/) - Both forgiveness and altruism are centered on generosity toward others. A major Specific Difference (to use an Aristotelian term) between the two is that forgiveness always takes place in the context of being treated unjustly by others. Altruism, in contrast, usually takes place toward others in need who did not act unjustly toward the one - [My brother is an angry person.  I say that because I have been able to observe him over the years.  The frustrating thing is that he suppresses his anger and claims that he is not angry.  This leads him, whenever he is treated badly by others, to proclaim that he has no anger and therefore no need to forgive.  He then lives with subconscious resentment, and he does not allow himself to be set free through forgiveness.  What do you recommend?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/27/my-brother-is-an-angry-person-i-say-that-because-i-have-been-able-to-observe-him-over-the-years-the-frustrating-thing-is-that-he-suppresses-his-anger-and-claims-that-he-is-not-angry/) - The psychological defense of suppression can be difficult to overcome because it tends to hide the actual internal challenges a person faces. Yet, if your brother truly has been mistreated by others and is suppressing his anger, it is not that he has no anger. Instead, he is angry but not acknowledging it. Often, people - [I am interested in your answer to a question I have about “people-pleasers.”  Do you think that “people-pleasers” forgive more readily and more deeply than the rest of humanity?  I say this because of their high motivation as “people-pleasers” to make others happy.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/27/i-am-interested-in-your-answer-to-a-question-i-have-about-people-pleasers-do-you-think-that-people-pleasers-forgive-more-readily-and-more-deeply-than-the-res/) - The answer depends on the motivation inside of anyone who might be considered a “people-pleaser.” If the motivation is an appearance of mercy and generosity without really having such motivations inside, then the answer is no, they are not genuinely forgiving more readily or more deeply. Only if the superficial attributes of “people-pleasing” are gone - [I will be going on vacation for two weeks and will be reading a self-help book on forgiveness.  Do you think that two weeks is a sufficient amount of time to forgive one of my parents for abandoning the family when I was seven years old?  I am now 26 years old.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/27/i-will-be-going-on-vacation-for-two-weeks-and-will-be-reading-a-self-help-book-on-forgiveness-do-you-think-that-two-weeks-is-a-sufficient-amount-of-time-to-forgive-one-of-my-parents-for-abandon/) - Two weeks likely is not a sufficient amount of time to deeply forgive your parent for this. Think of two weeks as a beginning, and this is honorable and important. In other words, you have courageously chosen to walk the path of forgiveness. Be patient with yourself now as you forgive. It may take months - [Is it selfish of me to forgive others for my own benefit?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/26/is-it-selfish-of-me-to-forgive-others-for-my-own-benefit/) - There is a significant difference between what forgiveness is and why a person might be motivated to forgive. When you forgive others, you deliberately show some kind of goodness to that person. Therefore, forgiveness in its essence is for the other person. If you want to forgive for your own benefit, this is a consequence - [Have you ever encountered a situation in which the one who supposedly offended makes the claim that no injustice occurred whatsoever?  If so, how would the victims deal with that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/26/have-you-ever-encountered-a-situation-in-which-the-one-who-supposedly-offended-makes-the-claim-that-no-injustice-occurred-whatsoever-if-so-how-would-the-victims-deal-with-that/) - Those who are offended need not seek permission from the one who offended. The ones offended can go ahead unconditionally and forgive whenever they are ready. Further, if the offending person harshly insists that the offended person need not forgive, or even should not forgive, the offended person can go ahead and forgive the offending - [I have a fear of forgiving because I do not want to enter back into a working relationship with my abusive boss.  I am ready to move on, but if I forgive, I might be tempted to stay in my current work position.  What would you recommend?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/26/i-have-a-fear-of-forgiving-because-i-do-not-want-to-enter-back-into-a-working-relationship-with-my-abusive-boss-i-am-ready-to-move-on-but-if-i-forgive-i-might-be-tempted-to-stay-in-my-current/) - Forgiveness and reconciliation are different. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust. If you cannot trust the boss, then you need not reconcile, even if you forgive. To forgive is a free-will choice to have mercy on your boss. You can do that from a - [Thank you for letting me know of the information on person-to-person forgiveness in Genesis, chapters 37-45.  I have a follow-up question for you: Did Joseph await an apology from his half-brothers, or did he proceed with forgiveness without one?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/25/thank-you-for-letting-me-know-of-the-information-on-person-to-person-forgiveness-in-genesis-chapters-37-45-i-have-a-follow-up-question-for-you-did-joseph-await-an-apology-from-his-half-brothe/) - Joseph forgave his half-brothers unconditionally, without their apologizing to him. They did not recognize him because they thought he was a slave in Egypt, not the leader that he was. - [From what you can tell, what are the oldest writings on person-to-person forgiveness that have been preserved to the present day?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/25/from-what-you-can-tell-what-are-the-oldest-writings-on-person-to-person-forgiveness-that-have-been-preserved-to-the-present-day/) - The oldest preserved forgiveness writings are in the first book of the Hebrew Bible, in Genesis, chapters 37-45, in which Joseph forgives his half-brothers for attempted murder and selling him into slavery in Egypt. - [In my local community, I want to introduce children to forgiveness education.  Would you recommend that I start first within schools, or should my pitch be to parents within families?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/25/in-my-local-community-i-want-to-introduce-children-to-forgiveness-education-would-you-recommend-that-i-start-first-within-schools-or-should-my-pitch-be-to-parents-within-families/) - I think your idea is vital because we need to start helping children understand what forgiveness is and is not, so they have a strong defense against unjust treatment as they grow into adulthood. As we know, and unfortunately, in this imperfect world, many people will be confronted by deep injustices against them. Forgiveness is - [You say in the book, The Forgiving Life, that the highest form of forgiveness is to engage in agape love for the offending person.  This would mean that I have to willingly want to help this person even if it is painful for me to do so.  I am not near that place right now.  I am less angry, and I even wish her well, but I am not able to go higher than this right now.  Does this mean that I am not forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/24/you-say-in-the-book-the-forgiving-life-that-the-highest-form-of-forgiveness-is-to-engage-in-agape-love-for-the-offending-person-this-would-mean-that-i-have-to-willingly-want-to-help-this-pers/) - There is a difference between the essence of forgiveness and its current expression in any of us as imperfect forgivers. So, do not be dismayed if all you can do for now is reduce anger and wish her well. You are on the journey of forgiveness, and you should be encouraged by this. Aristotle, the - [My son keeps rejecting my attempt to encourage him to forgive two students who have been bullying him at school.  What would you recommend as a new approach that might be effective?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/24/my-son-keeps-rejecting-my-attempt-to-encourage-him-to-forgive-two-students-who-have-been-bullying-him-at-school-what-would-you-recommend-as-a-new-approach-that-might-be-effective/) - When people hesitate to forgive, my experience is that they do not truly understand what forgiveness is. So, I recommend as a new first step that you ask your son what he means by forgiveness. Listen carefully for any of the following: To forgive shows weakness or a giving in to the other’s nonsense. This - [If I forgive my husband for his continual insensitive remarks toward me, this worries me.  In other words, where then are the boundaries that need to be set?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/11/24/if-i-forgive-my-husband-for-his-continual-insensitive-remarks-toward-me-this-worries-me-in-other-words-where-then-are-the-boundaries-that-need-to-be-set/) - The boundaries are in the practice of the moral virtue of justice. Forgive and ask something of your husband. This asking-for-something is what justice is. I recommend starting with forgiveness to lower the temperature of your anger. Then, when you ask for fairness, it may be communicated more gently and even more accurately, as you - [I was hurt by a family member yesterday.  It was so unfair.  I value forgiveness, but I am not at all ready to forgive.  Should I start on the forgiveness path today, even through I am quite angry right now?  Maybe my anger is a problem.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/28/i-was-hurt-by-a-family-member-yesterday-it-was-so-unfair-i-value-forgiveness-but-i-am-not-at-all-ready-to-forgive-should-i-start-on-the-forgiveness-path-today-even-through-i-am/) - It is legitimate to feel angry soon after a serious injustice has occurred. The anger shows you that you know right from wrong and that you should not be treated unfairly. A key here is to not let the anger linger because it could last a very long time, which may end up hurting you. - [Heroic Forgiveness in Recent Church Shooting](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/27/heroic-forgiveness-in-recent-church-shooting/) - On September 28, 2025, Thomas Jacob Sanford drove his pickup truck through the front doors of the meetinghouse of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during a worship service in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan. He opened fire with an assault rifle and then set the structure ablaze. Four people were killed and eight - [How Do Forgiveness and Tolerance Differ?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/20/how-do-forgiveness-and-tolerance-differ/) - Below is a Socratic dialogue between the mental health professional, Sophia, and her client, Inez. These are fictional characters. The conversation comes from the book, The Forgiving Life (APA Books, 2012). Sophia: Are toleration and forgiveness the same? Inez: They are very close to the same thing. When I forgive, I offer civility, respect, and even - [Where can I find some solid information about forgiveness education so that I can bring this to my school principal?  I am a teacher in an elementary school.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/30/where-can-i-find-some-solid-information-about-forgiveness-education-so-that-i-can-bring-this-to-my-school-principal-i-am-a-teacher-in-an-elementary-school/) - We have forgiveness education resources here at our International Forgiveness Institute. Here is a link to some of this information: https://internationalforgiveness.com/information-for-school-principals-teachers-and-administrators/ - [Is forgiveness the same as acceptance?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/30/is-forgiveness-the-same-as-acceptance/) - No, forgiveness is not about accepting what happened. Instead, it is person-centered, with an emphasis on seeing the other person as a human being worthy of respect despite the unfairness. When you do that, you do not accept the other’s behavior. Instead, you can ask for change as you forgive. Forgiveness is a new stance - [So, when I forgive, do I let the boundaries go?  If not, might the other person interpret my forgiving that way anyway?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/29/so-when-i-forgive-do-i-let-the-boundaries-go-if-not-might-the-other-person-interpret-my-forgiving-that-way-anyway/) - Justice as a moral virtue is about setting boundaries. Forgiveness is about having mercy on another person despite the injustice. As you forgive, also exercise justice and talk about boundaries if these are violated by the other person. If you forgive first and rid yourself of a burning resentment, then the way you ask for - [If I say in my heart, “I forgive you,” is that sufficient or is there more to it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/29/if-i-say-in-my-heart-i-forgive-you-is-that-sufficient-or-is-there-more-to-it/) - Forgiving someone who has hurt you is more than a proclamation, whether done verbally or in your own thought process. Forgiveness involves a transformation of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward those who were unfair to you. The proclamation, “I forgive you,” needs to be accompanied by kinder thoughts and feelings toward the person for - [My boyfriend cheated on me.  Do you think it is possible for me to forgive him and, if so, what would the look like?  This seems so hard.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/28/my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me-do-you-think-it-is-possible-for-me-to-forgive-him-and-if-so-what-would-the-look-like-this-seems-so-hard/) - Yes, you can forgive your boyfriend who was unfaithful to you. You can read about this issue in one of my essays at the Psychology Today website here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/201803/how-do-i-forgive-cheating-boyfriend-six-suggestions - [Can I forgive someone who hurt my child at school, but did not directly hurt me?  Is forgiveness appropriate only if I was directly hurt?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/27/can-i-forgive-someone-who-hurt-my-child-at-school-but-did-not-directly-hurt-me-is-forgiveness-appropriate-only-if-i-was-directly-hurt/) - The philosopher, Trudy Govier, makes a distinction between primary forgiveness (in which you were directly hurt) and secondary forgiveness (in which a loved one was hurt and this has made you angry). Secondary forgiveness is a legitimate form of forgiving because you truly were negatively affected by what happened to your child. So, when you - [I am wondering if I have truly forgiven my partner for a serious betrayal or whether I am simply engaging in the psychological defense mechanism of denial.  Can you help me with this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/27/i-am-wondering-if-i-have-truly-forgiven-my-partner-for-a-serious-betrayal-or-whether-i-am-simply-engaging-in-the-psychological-defense-mechanism-of-denial-can-you-help-me-with-this/) - Yes, here are some questions for you to discern genuine forgiveness from denial: A) Have you committed to doing no harm to your partner? This often is a sign that the forgiveness process has begun. B) Do you see your partner through a wider angle lens than just defining the person by the serious betrayal? - [I am considering reconciling with a former partner.  Can you please give me some advice on what I should keep in mind if I take this idea of reconciliation seriously?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/24/i-am-considering-reconciling-with-a-former-partner-can-you-please-give-me-some-advice-on-what-i-should-keep-in-mind-if-i-take-this-idea-of-reconciliation-seriously/) - Yes, I have addressed this very question in a Psychology Today essay that you can find here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202104/6-things-consider-reconciling-ex - [My former partner has apologized for bad behavior, but it all seems so insincere.  Do you think it is okay if I refrain from forgiving under this circumstance?  I feel nervous that I may make a wrong decision about getting back together.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/24/my-former-partner-has-apologized-for-bad-behavior-but-it-all-seems-so-insincere-do-you-think-it-is-okay-if-i-refrain-from-forgiving-under-this-circumstance-i-feel-nervous-that-i-may-mak/) - I think your issue is centered on reconciliation, or coming back together again in mutual trust, rather than on the issue of forgiveness. You certainly can forgive and, at least for now, not reconcile if the former partner seems insincere toward you. Your nervousness seems to be more connected to reconciling than to forgiving. Forgiving - [I know that you emphasize unconditional forgiveness, or my forgiving even if the other does not apologize.  Yet, I want to hear those three little words, “I am sorry” from her.  Does this mean I have not genuinely forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/23/i-know-that-you-emphasize-unconditional-forgiveness-or-my-forgiving-even-if-the-other-does-not-apologize-yet-i-want-to-hear-those-three-little-words-i-am-sorry-from-her/) - No, your wanting an apology does not mean that you have not forgiven. Do you wish her well? Do you see her inherent worth, and is your heart softer toward her than before? Have you committed to doing no harm to her? If so, you definitely are forgiving, even if you need to deepen the - [Now what am I supposed to do.  A friend keeps getting very angry with me over very little things.  He asked for forgiveness and I have given it to him.  Now, every time he is overly angry and I point it out to him, he keeps reminding me that I have forgiven and so I need to just “stuff it” and stop bringing up his anger.  How do I handle this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/23/now-what-am-i-supposed-to-do-a-friend-keeps-getting-very-angry-with-me-over-very-little-things-he-asked-for-forgiveness-and-i-have-given-it-to-him-now-every-time-he-is-overly-ang/) - Your friend is failing to see that as you forgive, you also are asking for justice. He seems to be using your forgiving against you so that he does not have to change the behavior. I recommend that you point out that forgiveness and justice-seeking are a team. You have forgiven, and now you are - [I have been ghosting a former friend, and, at the same time, I have been forgiving her from my heart.  Is ghosting a sign for me that I am not forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/22/i-have-been-ghosting-a-former-friend-and-at-the-same-time-i-have-been-forgiving-her-from-my-heart-is-ghosting-a-sign-for-me-that-i-am-not-forgiving/) - Your ghosting is a sign that you have not completed the forgiveness journey at this point. Ghosting, or choosing to completely ignore a person even when the other tries hard to communicate with you, can be emotionally damaging. Therefore, even though you may be on the road to forgiving in terms of your thoughts and - [You often talk about forgiveness education for children.  How do you recommend that I go about this if I am naive about what forgiveness actually is and how to go about it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/22/you-often-talk-about-forgiveness-education-for-children-how-do-you-recommend-that-i-go-about-this-if-i-am-naive-about-what-forgiveness-actually-is-and-how-to-go-about-it/) - We at the International Forgiveness Institute have age-appropriate forgiveness curriculum guides, professionally produced, that are meant for parents and educators. If you follow the instructions for each lesson in any of these guides, you, along with your children, will be learning more deeply about what forgiveness is, its importance in our lives, and how to - [I have an adult friend who currently is staying away from her mother because of continual harsh treatment.  Is this showing unforgiveness or something else?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/21/i-have-an-adult-friend-who-currently-is-staying-away-from-her-mother-because-of-continual-harsh-treatment-is-this-showing-unforgiveness-or-something-else/) - It depends on what is in your friend’s heart. If she needs some time away to heal from the emotional wounds, she can still be working on forgiving her mother during this time. If, on the other hand, she is staying away to impose hurt on her mother, this could be motivated by revenge and - [What is your opinion of parents who insist that the children forgive each other for the sake of a peaceful home?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/21/what-is-your-opinion-of-parents-who-insist-that-the-children-forgive-each-other-for-the-sake-of-a-peaceful-home/) - The parent has to be careful here. Sometimes a hurt child needs a little time to be angry about what happened. If a parent hovers over the child and insists on forgiveness “right now,” this might be a deterrent for the child, who then feels pressure about forgiveness. It is reasonable to talk about forgiveness - [I think that feelings of guilt, within temperate bounds, actually is healthy.  In other words, a person who feels guilty can take action to correct a wrong.  Given that this is the case, might my forgiving someone be ill-advised since I think those who do wrong should feel guilty?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/20/i-think-that-feelings-of-guilt-within-temperate-bounds-actually-is-healthy-in-other-words-a-person-who-feels-guilty-can-take-action-to-correct-a-wrong-given-that-this-is-the-case-mig/) - When you forgive, you are not asking a person to feel no guilt because of the unfair treatment. A healthy way to forgive is to offer mercy and then to ask for fairness. This seeking fairness is not part of forgiveness, but rather is part of the moral virtue of justice, which can coexist with - [I’m confused about forgiveness in the following context.  I am trying to forgive my brother for something that, to me, clearly was wrong.  He keeps insisting that he did nothing wrong.  He says I am a hypocrite if I proceed with my forgiveness.  Can I go ahead and forgive him, even though he is continually denying any wrongdoing?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/10/20/im-confused-about-forgiveness-in-the-following-context-i-am-trying-to-forgive-my-brother-for-something-that-to-me-clearly-was-wrong-he-keeps-insisting-that-he-did-nothing-wron/) - Yes, you can forgive whenever you are ready, because forgiving is your choice, not someone else’s. You can forgive your brother without announcing it to him. You even can consider forgiving him for his insistence that you are a hypocrite. Again, the choice always is yours. - [How do I deal with a 9-year-old friend of my son whose parents say that forgiveness is stupid? I do not want to impose, but at the same time, I am very sad for this child who likely is getting incorrect information about forgiveness.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/29/how-do-i-deal-with-a-9-year-old-friend-of-my-son-whose-parents-say-that-forgiveness-is-stupid-i-do-not-want-to-impose-but-at-the-same-time-i-am-very-sad-for-this-child-who-likely-is-getting-incorre-2/) - It has been my experience that when people are adamantly opposed to forgiving, they always and without exception have a misunderstanding about what it actually is. It seems obvious to me that the friend of your son has discussed forgiveness with you, given that he shared his parents’ views on the matter. When forgiveness comes - [Can you provide at least one example of how someone can overcome the denial of excessive anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/29/can-you-provide-at-least-one-example-of-how-someone-can-overcome-the-denial-of-excessive-anger-2/) - Sometimes people deny their anger because they see no way to cure that anger. So, out of even subconscious fear of that anger (because the person does not see a cure), then denial occurs and remains. When people see, through examining the science of forgiveness, that there is a cure for unhealthy anger, then they - [Erika Kirk forgives Tyler Robinson](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/24/erika-kirk-forgives-tyler-robinson/) - In Erika Kirk's speech at the memorial service for her husband, Charlie Kirk, she proclaimed toward the one accused of firing the shot, "I forgive him." She received a standing ovation in front of approximately 70,000 people when she made this statement. Shortly after this, one of the members of our International Forgiveness Institute appeared - [So Then, What Is a Good Society?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/22/so-then-what-is-a-good-society/) - I wrote a similar essay to this one 13 years ago on this very site. Sadly and tragically, little has changed in that lengthy time period. Societies are not listening and we are reaping the consequences of intemperate anger, unrestrained rage, and innocent lives lost. Let us continue with the ideas expressed here in 2012. - [Does a Lack of Reconciliation Interfere with Emotional Healing Upon Forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/26/does-a-lack-of-reconciliation-interfere-with-emotional-healing-upon-forgiving/) - A small scale qualitative study in India with 12 young adults showed that even when reconciliation is not possible, there are psychological benefits for those who forgive once a relationship breaks down. The study is here: Sengupta, Poulami, Vidisha Rai, and Atasi Mohanty. Forgive and forego? Exploring interpersonal forgiveness in non-reconciled relationships among young adults. Psychological - [Self-Forgiveness Suggested for Health Care Providers Who Make Errors](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/23/self-forgiveness-suggested-for-health-care-providers-who-make-errors/) - A recent study in the Journal of Child Health Care focuses on health care provides and the clinical errors that occur annually in Australia. The article reports that approximately 140,000 diagnostic errors occur annually. As one step in rectifying the inner psychological effects on the medical professionals who make such errors, the authors recommend self-forgiveness. - [Forgiveness Therapy for Battered Women in Pakistan](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/21/forgiveness-therapy-for-battered-women-in-pakistan/) - A recent study led by Sana Nisar of the Government College University, Lahore, Pakistan found that a forgiveness intervention for 15 sessions, done one-on-one with the intervener, was effective. Following the intervention, those in the forgiveness condition, relative to those in the control group, had significant decreases in depression, anxiety, and anger and significant increases - [You say that forgiveness interventions can reduce anger. Can this occur even with children? If so, can you provide a study for me to read?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/26/you-say-that-forgiveness-interventions-can-reduce-anger-can-this-occur-even-with-children-if-so-can-you-provide-a-study-for-me-to-read/) - Yes, we have found that forgiveness education with children as young as 6-years-old, who present with anger, can reduce in it. My colleagues and I did a study in Northern Ireland in which 6-year-olds started the forgiveness program and the participants were close to the clinical level of anger. After a 17-week forgiveness program (once - [As a follow-up to my previous question about the denial of anger, what is your experience of people coming for help from deep injustices against them. Are they, on the average, actually more angry than they realize at least as they begin forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/26/as-a-follow-up-to-my-previous-question-about-the-denial-of-anger-what-is-your-experience-of-people-coming-for-help-from-deep-injustices-against-them-are-they-on-the-average-actually-more-angry-tha/) - Yes, you have an excellent insight here. I find that people over time become aware that they have been harboring more anger than they realized when they started the forgiveness process. This is one reason why forgiveness interventions are so valuable. People start the process because they see the negative effects inside of them, yet - [What if I want to forgive from the heart and not behave in a way that is forgiving? I ask because I am not able to reconcile with the person and so I cannot act directly toward him.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/25/what-if-i-want-to-forgive-from-the-heart-and-not-behave-in-a-way-that-is-forgiving-i-ask-because-i-am-not-able-to-reconcile-with-the-person-and-so-i-cannot-act-directly-toward-him/) - You still can engage in forgiving behaviors even if these are not directly toward the one who hurt you. For example, you can say something kind about the person to others or donate a small amount of money to a charity in this person’s name. Forgiving behaviors such as these can occur indirectly even if - [What do you mean about finding new purpose in a person’s life once forgiveness is accomplished?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/24/what-do-you-mean-about-finding-new-purpose-in-a-persons-life-once-forgiveness-is-accomplished/) - Purpose in this case is a new goal for your life toward other people that may emerge once you know and appreciate the forgiveness process. As an example, some people develop a new goal of helping others to reduce their suffering. The forgivers, having explored their own suffering, become more attuned to the suffering of - [You discuss “giving a gift to the offender” near the end of the Work Phase of forgiveness. Should I expect a sincere apology from the one toward whom I give this gift of kindness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/24/you-discuss-giving-a-gift-to-the-offender-near-the-end-of-the-work-phase-of-forgiveness-should-i-expect-a-sincere-apology-from-the-one-toward-whom-i-give-this-gift-of-kindness/) - I do not recommend that you hold out the expectation of the other person’s apology. Otherwise, you might think of your forgiveness as incomplete. When you offer goodness to the one who hurt you, then you are doing the best you can with your forgiveness. Even if the other does not respond positively, you have - [If I have no pain, no anger about what another person did to me, is forgiveness even necessary?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/23/if-i-have-no-pain-no-anger-about-what-another-person-did-to-me-is-forgiveness-even-necessary/) - Forgiving others is not all about the self and feeling better. As a moral virtue of being good to those who are not good to you, forgiving is valuable in and of itself. This is the case because all moral virtues, by definition, are good. So, if someone is unfair to you and you are - [Has a person truly forgiven if anger emerges again when thinking about the one who misbehaved?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/23/has-a-person-truly-forgiven-if-anger-emerges-again-when-thinking-about-the-one-who-misbehaved/) - If the anger is going down to manageable levels and if the one who forgives can genuinely wish the other person well (to use an expression by the late Lewis Smedes), then it seems that forgiving is taking place. Sometimes not all of the anger leaves. Yet, as one person said to me, “My anger - [What would you suggest I do regarding a 6-year-old who is fuming over being bullied at school? How do I introduce forgiveness without imposing it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/22/what-would-you-suggest-i-do-regarding-a-6-year-old-who-is-fuming-over-being-bullied-at-school-how-do-i-introduce-forgiveness-without-imposing-it/) - We have forgiveness curriculum guides here at the International Forgiveness Institute, and the grade 1 guide might be a strong introduction for the 6-year-old. This first-grade guide slowly introduces the children to the concept of forgiveness, first by focusing on the inherent worth of all people. This slowly transcends to the idea that even those - [I have to admit that I get confused when I read the journal articles on forgiveness. The confusion primarily centers on the definition of forgiveness.  It seems that no two authors can agree on what forgiving actually means. Can you help me sort this out so that I can settle on a comprehensive definition of forgiveness that makes sense?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/21/i-have-to-admit-that-i-get-confused-when-i-read-the-journal-articles-on-forgiveness-the-confusion-primarily-centers-on-the-definition-of-forgiveness-it-seems-that-no-two-authors-can-agree-on-w/) - Yes, I do understand your dilemma as you read journal articles on forgiveness. We now have an entire issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology (published in February 2025) in which we explore from both a philosophical and psychological perspective the definition of forgiveness. I hope the narrative in the first article of - [Which of your self-help books would you recommend if I want to forgive myself?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/21/which-of-your-self-help-books-would-you-recommend-if-i-want-to-forgive-myself/) - In the book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness, one of the eight keys is self-forgiveness. In that chapter, I discuss the controversies surrounding self-forgiveness and offer advice on proceeding with it if the reader is ready to do so. - [What is the difference between your two books, Forgiveness Is a Choice and The Forgiving Life?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/20/what-is-the-difference-between-your-two-books-forgiveness-is-a-choice-and-the-forgiving-life/) - Forgiveness Is a Choice works the reader through forgiving one person who acted unjustly against the reader. The Forgiving Life goes more deeply in that it encourages the person to continue practicing forgiveness toward all the people who have offended the reader, from childhood to the present time. The point is to wipe the slate - [In my experience, some people I know are anxious, and some are even depressed. At the same time, I see that they have suffered grave injustices against them. Yet, and importantly, these people that I know are oblivious to the connection between the injustices that they have suffered and their present psychological challenges. Even if I am wrong about this connection between their past and the challenging injustices against them, how can we safely explore the possibility that the current anxiety or depression may be caused by the disruption to their emotions from the injustices? And how can I suggest forgiveness as a way to address all of this with my clients?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/20/in-my-experience-some-people-i-know-are-anxious-and-some-are-even-depressed-at-the-same-time-i-see-that-they-have-suffered-grave-injustices-against-them-yet-and-importantly-these-people-that-i/) - One way to start is to gently examine the extent of the anxiety and/or depression. Have the clients rate the emotional challenge on the 1-to-10 scale, with a 10 being an extreme form of the emotion. If some of your clients are in the 6-to-10 range on either anxiety or depression, do they see that - [I started to forgive a family member because he angered me a lot. As I began to gain perspective on this person, I realized that he is showing no remorse. Should I stop the forgiving process or not?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/19/i-started-to-forgive-a-family-member-because-he-angered-me-a-lot-as-i-began-to-gain-perspective-on-this-person-i-realized-that-he-is-showing-no-remorse-should-i-stop-the-forgiving-process-or-not/) - Forgiving others is unconditional in that it should not be dependent on what the other person does or says. If you are motivated to forgive, then you should keep going with the forgiveness process. It might not lead to reconciliation, but it could set you free from excessive anger. - [At what point does forgiveness become necessary? In other words, I can let a lot of injustices go as I move on or forget about them. How can I tell when I should begin to forgive instead of simply letting things go? And when is it better to act—to defend your rights through justice—than to extend forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/09/19/at-what-point-does-forgiveness-become-necessary-in-other-words-i-can-let-a-lot-of-injustices-go-as-i-move-on-or-forget-about-them-how-can-i-tell-when-i-should-begin-to-forgive-instead-of-simply-let/) - The word *necessary* has at least two meanings when you ask, “At what point does forgiveness become necessary?" The first connotation focuses on the need to cultivate forgiveness because it is morally right to do so. The term *necessary* has a second meaning that is focused on your health and well-being. Let us begin with - [Revisiting the Question: 'Do I Really Want to Forgive When Traumatized?'](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/27/revisiting-the-question-do-i-really-want-to-forgive-when-traumatized/) - Note: When I posted the blog essay below on September 27, 2017, as an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life, published in 2012, I had no idea how a backlash against forgiveness would emerge in the published literature. There appears to be an association between the increasing popularity of forgiveness and the publication of - [Dr. Enright essay on the definition of forgiveness featured in UC-Berkeley publication](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/21/dr-enright-essay-on-the-definition-of-forgiveness-featured-in-uc-berkeley-publication/) - On July 7, 2025, Robert Enright had an essay published within the Big Ideas section of the Greater Good Magazine of the University of California-Berkeley. The focus was on the definition of forgiveness. Click on this link to check out the article! - [Reader’s Digest Presents 10 Powerful Stories of Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/25/readers-digest-presents-10-powerful-stories-of-forgiveness/) - On June 9, 2025, Reader’s Digest published 10 heart-warming stories of people who have forgiven others for deep injustices. As one example, entitled The Unexpected Caregiver, Pascale Kavanagh, a survivor of domestic abuse, stated that she never imagined reconnecting with her abuser, her mother, in her adult life. Her mother, however, had multiple strokes, preventing - [If forgiveness is a gradual process when deeply hurt, how can one sustain the effort?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/27/if-forgiveness-is-a-gradual-process-when-deeply-hurt-how-can-one-sustain-the-effort/) - Let us take an analogy. Suppose you start a physical fitness program. How do you sustain it? There are at least three important components. First, you need a strong will to stay on task. Second, you need to see several months down the road so that you can be aware of likely improvements as a - [Isn’t reconciliation more important than forgiveness because reconciliation draws people back together again? All forgiveness does, if I understand it correctly, is reduce my inner pain. ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/27/isnt-reconciliation-more-important-than-forgiveness-because-reconciliation-draws-people-back-together-again-all-forgiveness-does-if-i-understand-it-correctly-is-reduce-my-inner-pain/) - You have separated reconciliation and forgiveness, treating them as independent concepts. When people have been hurt in a relationship, forgiveness, as being deliberately merciful and good to the other, greatly assists with the reconciliation process. Without forgiveness, when there is deep hurt in a relationship, reconciliation may be somewhat superficial as the people are guarded - [Why is forgiveness so difficult, especially when deeply hurt by others?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/26/why-is-forgiveness-so-difficult-especially-when-deeply-hurt-by-others/) - Forgiveness is a moral virtue, as are justice, patience, and kindness, as examples. All moral virtues have at their core the principle of being good to others. For example, in the context of justice, if you contract with a carpenter to build a chair for you, then you pay for this once it is done. - [You say that forgiveness is a choice, but from what I can tell, Forgiveness Therapy is superior to all other mental health options when faced with growing resentment from being treated unjustly. If this is the case, then there really is no other alternative. If I want to be healthy, I must choose forgiveness. What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/26/you-say-that-forgiveness-is-a-choice-but-from-what-i-can-tell-forgiveness-therapy-is-superior-to-all-other-mental-health-options-when-faced-with-growing-resentment-from-being-treated-unjustly-if-th/) - Even in the situation that you describe, the client still makes a free-will decision to engage in Forgiveness Therapy or not. It is this free-will decision that still makes it the client’s choice. - [When a Christian engages in self-forgiveness, is he forgiving his own sins?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/26/when-a-christian-engages-in-self-forgiveness-is-he-forgiving-his-own-sins/) - People who are Christians do not forgive their own sins when they engage in self-forgiveness. Instead, it means that one gives to oneself what one gives to others when they are hurtful: love, compassion, and understanding despite the negative behavior. Self-forgiveness is the process of trying to love the self despite engaging in bad behavior. - [What is a first step in convincing my partner to read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice? He has been hurt by his father years ago, and resentment remains. Every time I mention forgiveness, he turns away as if it is toxic.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/25/what-is-a-first-step-in-convincing-my-partner-to-read-your-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-he-has-been-hurt-by-his-father-years-ago-and-resentment-remains-every-time-i-mention-forgiveness-he-turns-a/) - I first would try to find out what he means by the term forgiveness. It is possible that he is misunderstanding it, equating it, for example, with saying, “What you did to me was okay.” See if there are errors in his thinking. If there are, try to correct those, without insisting that he now - [Don’t you think that an apology helps foster forgiving? If so, does it follow that the other’s apology should be part of what forgiveness is?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/25/dont-you-think-that-an-apology-helps-foster-forgiving-if-so-does-it-follow-that-the-others-apology-should-be-part-of-what-forgiveness-is/) - Receiving an apology does help people to forgive, but this is not necessary. Think of any other moral virtue, such as altruism. If you want to give money to a person who is without a home, does this person have to say or do something for you to freely give funds to this person? No. - [Do you think that if a person forgives too easily, then this might enable harmful behavior by the other person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/25/do-you-think-that-if-a-person-forgives-too-easily-then-this-might-enable-harmful-behavior-by-the-other-person/) - I think this issue is often misunderstood, based on my reading and the questions I've been asked. If a person forgives quickly (or, as you say, easily), this does not invalidate the philosophical issue that moral virtues should be practiced together. In the case of forgiveness, justice should be a teammate. In other words, when - [I am wondering if time can have an influence on a person’s motivation to forgive. Here is what I mean: If a person is holding on to resentment for a long time, might all this misery, experienced for years, get a person’s attention? The person then might get fed up with feeling badly. This, then, gives people the motivation to try forgiving.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/24/i-am-wondering-if-time-can-have-an-influence-on-a-persons-motivation-to-forgive-here-is-what-i-mean-if-a-person-is-holding-on-to-resentment-for-a-long-time-might-all-this-misery-experienc/) - You definitely show insight into the forgiveness process. Our first phase of the forgiveness process focuses on the forgiver’s internal states of anger and unrest, which often motivate a person to move forward with forgiving. So, time and insight together can be a strong motivation to forgive. Time by itself probably does not have much - [If deep anger can affect the heart, is it possible that forgiveness therapy, for people who have been treated very unfairly and have heart compromise, might be beneficial in a physical way that improves cardiac functioning?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/24/if-deep-anger-can-affect-the-heart-is-it-possible-that-forgiveness-therapy-for-people-who-have-been-treated-very-unfairly-and-have-heart-compromise-might-be-beneficial-in-a-physical-way-that-improv/) - Yes, we have published an experimental study in which we assessed men with cardiac compromise who were on a hospital unit for this. We screened them for their level of forgiveness and blood flow through the heart. Only those who were unforgiving were part of the study. We randomized the men into the experimental group - [Are there actions that should never be forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/24/are-there-actions-that-should-never-be-forgiven/) - I have never seen an incident in which at least some people forgive, even though many will not. As one example, the late Eva Mozes Kor forgave the Nazis after she was imprisoned in the Auschwitz concentration camp and lost her sister Miriam to complications from the evil medical experiments. Not everyone would forgive the - [Is forgetting a necessary part of forgiveness, or can you forgive while still remembering?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/23/is-forgetting-a-necessary-part-of-forgiveness-or-can-you-forgive-while-still-remembering/) - A recent study showed that as people forgive, they do not forget. Instead, as they remember, the heightened negative emotions are quieter, giving the forgiver a sense of inner peace. Here is a link to that interesting study: Fernández-Miranda, G., Stanley, M., Murray, S., Faul, L., & De Brigard, F. (2025). The emotional impact of - [Can you truly forgive someone without ever reconciling with him or her?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/23/can-you-truly-forgive-someone-without-ever-reconciling-with-him-or-her/) - Yes, you truly can forgive a person without reconciling because forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is a moral virtue of having mercy on those who were not good to the forgiver. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a coming together again in mutual trust. If the other person remains - [Is forgiveness more for the benefit of the forgiver or the forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/23/is-forgiveness-more-for-the-benefit-of-the-forgiver-or-the-forgiven/) - Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, is focused on goodness specifically toward the one(s) who behaved unjustly. Yet, there is a difference between what forgiveness is and who benefits. Research shows that when people forgive, they benefit in a number of ways, such as reduced anger and related challenging emotions, and the growth in hope and - [What is the difference between forgiving and forgetting? Aren’t they basically the same as you “let go” after a person treats you unfairly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/22/what-is-the-difference-between-forgiving-and-forgetting-arent-they-basically-the-same-as-you-let-go-after-a-person-treats-you-unfairly/) - Forgetting is not a moral virtue. You can forget or put an unfair incident behind you, without any effort extended toward the one who was unfair. When you forgive, you deliberately have mercy on this person. Forgiveness focuses mercifully on the other. When we forget, this is not always the case. - [I feel uncomfortable saying that I have forgiven when the one who hurt me has not apologized. It seems incomplete. What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/22/i-feel-uncomfortable-saying-that-i-have-forgiven-when-the-one-who-hurt-me-has-not-apologized-it-seems-incomplete-what-do-you-think/) - What is incomplete in this case is a genuine reconciliation with the person. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, can be willingly practiced by anyone at any time, as is the case with any of the moral virtues. As an analogy, suppose you want to be fair to people, giving them what they deserve. Your boss - [How do I know when I truly want to start forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/22/how-do-i-know-when-i-truly-want-to-start-forgiveness/) - A key issue is this: Have you explored what forgiveness is and is not? If you are confusing forgiveness with “just giving in,” or “moving on,” or automatically reconciling without trusting the person, then you may not be ready to start the forgiveness process. If you know what forgiveness is, are you motivated to forgive? - [Can I forgive without empathizing with the one who hurt me?  I am afraid to empathize because I do not want to get too emotionally close to that person.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/08/21/can-i-forgive-without-empathizing-with-the-one-who-hurt-me-i-am-afraid-to-empathize-because-i-do-not-want-to-get-too-emotionally-close-to-that-person/) - If the other cannot be trusted, then your keeping your distance, both physically and emotionally, is reasonable. When you empathize with another person, you try to get a sense of that person’s inner world. You can do that and still conclude that the person is a danger to you (if this is true and not - [Is It Better to Wait for the Other Person’s Apology Before Forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/25/is-it-better-to-wait-for-the-other-persons-apology-before-forgiving/) - When people do not apologize, many of those hurt by others’ injustices believe that it is wrong—possibly even immoral—to forgive them. "My self-respect is demonstrated by my waiting for the other person to apologize,” I have heard people say. "I will not tolerate the cruel treatment." Yet, why is the way someone treats you correlated - [A Hug for a Murderer?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/31/a-hug-for-a-murderer/) - As reported in El Paso Matters (https://elpasomatters.org/2025/04/22/victims-sister-hugs-walmart-gunman-patrick-crusius-el-paso/) on April 23, 2025, Yolanda Tinajero lost her brother to murder by Patrick Crusius in 2019. When allowed to speak in court, she faced Mr. Crusius and said, “I feel in my heart to hug you very tight so you could feel my forgiveness, especially my loss. But I - [July 17 Marks a Day of Forgiveness in the Face of Cruel Execution Over 230 Years Ago](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/28/july-17-marks-a-day-of-forgiveness-in-the-face-of-cruel-execution-over-230-years-ago/) - On July 17, 1794, and as part of the French Revolution, 16 Carmelite nuns were martyred at the guillotine in Paris. As she was facing death, one of the sisters, Sister Mary of Jesus Crucified, proclaimed, “I forgive you, my friends. I forgive you with all that longing of heart with which I would that - [Wall Street Journal Writer Suggests that Revenge Can Be Addictive and There Is One Best Cure for It](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/25/wall-street-journal-writer-suggests-that-revenge-can-be-addictive-and-there-is-one-best-cure-for-it/) - On June 5, in the Wall Street Journal, James Kimmel Jr. reports on how he was bullied as a child, which led to him becoming an “aggressive attorney” as an adult. He realized that whenever he sought revenge or even imagined getting revenge, he felt better. As he researched the neuroscience of revenge, he discovered - [Dr. Enright featured on radio interview and podcast this summer](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/31/dr-enright-featured-on-radio-interview-and-podcast-this-summer/) - Two recent media interviews on forgiveness by Robert Enright are the following: Live interview on the Voice of Islam Radio, London, United Kingdom, on the topic of forgiveness, anger, and humility, July 8, 2025. Interview with Dr. Buck Joffrey and Nikki Leigh, Longevity Junky podcast, on the idea of forgiveness for health, June 25, 2025. - [Dr. Enright's forgiveness presentations encourage communities in Greece and Israel](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/29/dr-enrights-forgiveness-presentations-encourage-communities-in-greece-and-israel/) - In May and June, 2025, Robert Enright presented two talks on forgiveness, one in Greece and one in Israel, both by Zoom: Enright, R.D. (2025, May 7). Forgiveness for the common good in communities. Presented to educators in Greece through Zoom. Enright, R.D. (2025, June 12). Forgiveness for emotional healing. Presented to researchers and research - [Dr. Enright's essay on how forgiveness can be tricky featured on Psychology Today website](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/27/dr-enrights-essay-on-how-forgiveness-can-be-tricky-featured-on-psychology-today-website/) - On July 22, 2025, Robert Enright published an essay on the Psychology Today website: 5 Expressions of Forgiveness That Can Trick Even the Forgiver, July 22, 2025 The essay was designated as an Essential Read and featured on the front page of the website, subsequently distributed to other media outlets. - ['The Forgiving Life' featured on Elevate Society website](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/25/the-forgiving-life-featured-on-elevate-society-website/) - There is a website entitled Elevate Society run by Tal Gur as the Chief Editor. On July 24, 2025 they published a beautiful description of our book, The Forgiving Life. Their description of the book shows that they definitely “get it” regarding our message of forgiveness. Their review can be found here: https://elevatesociety.com/the-forgiving-life-summary-review/ - [Suffering, you say, makes us stronger. In my opinion, children should not have to suffer. Instead, they should be protected from harm. What are your thoughts?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/31/suffering-you-say-makes-us-stronger-in-my-opinion-children-should-not-have-to-suffer-instead-they-should-be-protected-from-harm-what-are-your-thoughts/) - I'm not saying that we should look for pain so that we can get stronger. My thesis, however, is that we often grow as individuals as a result of suffering and unfair treatment. For instance, as we suffer, we grow more perceptive of other people's pain. Here is a crucial difference between what I just - [I am considering conducting a research study with women who have been in unsuccessful marriages. Could you point me in the direction of any existing research in this area?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/30/i-am-considering-conducting-a-research-study-with-women-who-have-been-in-unsuccessful-marriages-could-you-point-me-in-the-direction-of-any-existing-research-in-this-area/) - Yes, we have two published journal articles in which women, in unsuccessful marriages, learned to forgive with good mental health outcomes. The references are as follows: Reed, G. & Enright, R.D. (2006). The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, - [Could it be that forgiveness does not "work" for some people because they do not experience any relief?  I am kind of feeling this way toward my boss.  He is too abrupt with me.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/29/could-it-be-that-forgiveness-does-not-work-for-some-people-because-they-do-not-experience-any-relief-i-am-kind-of-feeling-this-way-toward-my-boss-he-is-too-abrupt-with-me/) - When this occurs, I suggest: 1) allowing the person more time to forgive; if that doesn't work, 2) attempting to see whether the one who acted unjustly reminds you of someone else who needs your forgiveness. For instance, is it possible that your struggle to forgive your boss is related to your unforgiveness of someone - [You emphasize getting to know the person in a broader sense, who is the offender.  Yet, what if the other is unknown to me?  How am I supposed to widen my view of this stranger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/28/you-emphasize-getting-to-know-the-person-in-a-broader-sense-who-is-the-offender-yet-what-if-the-other-is-unknown-to-me-how-am-i-supposed-to-widen-my-view-of-this-stranger/) - We tend to emphasize three cognitive approaches in the forgiveness process. The first is the Personal Perspective, in which the forgiver examines the personal history of the offending person, examining incidents in which this person has been hurt by others. If you do not know the one who offended, then you cannot answer the questions - [If people give it enough time, will they naturally forgive, or do you think there has to be an active process to forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/28/if-people-give-it-enough-time-will-they-naturally-forgive-or-do-you-think-there-has-to-be-an-active-process-to-forgive/) - If the injustice is serious and the hurt is deep, time alone will likely not cure the resentment. I say this based on our research. For example, in the study with elderly females in hospice, some of them were carrying resentment for decades. Once they engaged in the process of forgiveness, they were able to - [Can there be true justice without forgiveness?  If so, can you provide an example for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/27/can-there-be-true-justice-without-forgiveness-if-so-can-you-provide-an-example-for-me/) - Here is an example of justice occurring without forgiveness: Suppose a person is arrested and convicted for assault. Justice has been realized in a court of law. The one assaulted may choose not to forgive. Even so, justice was served. The two, forgiveness and justice, need not occur together, but when people forgive, they can - [Can forgiveness alter the identity of the one who forgives?  If so, how?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/27/can-forgiveness-alter-the-identity-of-the-one-who-forgives-if-so-how/) - We address this issue in the book, The Forgiving Life. As people continue to practice forgiveness, they can, as Aristotle instructs, begin to develop a love for the virtue. When this occurs, the one who forgives may begin to see oneself as a forgiving person. This basically alters a person’s identity: “I am a forgiving - [You have said that self-forgiveness may take more time than forgiving others.  Why do you say this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/26/you-have-said-that-self-forgiveness-may-take-more-time-than-forgiving-others-why-do-you-say-this/) - In my experience, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on other people. As a result, it may take longer to forgive oneself. This is why I recommend that people new to self-forgiveness first practice forgiving another person or two to get familiar with the pathway of forgiveness before attempting to forgive - [Isn’t forgiveness incomplete if there is no reconciliation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/26/isnt-forgiveness-incomplete-if-there-is-no-reconciliation/) - No, actually, forgiveness can be complete even if there is no reconciliation. One of the primary goals of forgiveness, in its ideal sense, is to reconcile, thereby restoring trust and harmony in the relationship. Yet, as Louis Smedes says in his book Forgive and Forget, forgiveness is for imperfect people. As you forgive, the other - [Is forgiveness actually possible, in a deep sense, if the one who did wrong does not apologize?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/25/is-forgiveness-actually-possible-in-a-deep-sense-if-the-one-who-did-wrong-does-not-apologize/) - Your questions have good timing. This month’s blog on this website addresses your question. As you will see, a person can forgive without an apology coming from the other person. - [When might forgiveness become enabling? I am afraid to forgive because it may give the other person the wrong idea that I am ok with his behavior. ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/07/25/when-might-forgiveness-become-enabling-i-am-afraid-to-forgive-because-it-may-give-the-other-person-the-wrong-idea-that-i-am-ok-with-his-behavior/) - Forgiveness in its true sense never becomes enabling. A misunderstanding may occur if either the forgiver or the one forgiven (or both) perceives forgiveness as condoning injustice. Yet, when people forgive, they can and should bring justice into the equation. In other words, as you forgive, ask something of the other so that the unfair - [Is it true that people “Forgive and Forget”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/26/is-it-true-that-people-forgive-and-forget/) - A recent set of four studies examined the extent to which people actually forget the unjust situation once they have forgiven. The reference to that work is: Fernández-Miranda, G., Stanley, M., Murray, S., Faul, L., & De Brigard, F. (2025). The emotional impact of forgiveness on autobiographical memories of past wrongdoings. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Advance - [I have forgiven my partner for constant criticisms.  Yet, the criticisms continue.  I now am wondering if my forgiving is giving my partner implicit permission to continue the criticisms.  Do you think this might be possible?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/30/i-have-forgiven-my-partner-for-constant-criticisms-yet-the-criticisms-continue-i-now-am-wondering-if-my-forgiving-is-giving-my-partner-implicit-permission-to-continue-the-criticisms/) - From what I can tell, you are forgiving without asking your partner to communicate with you in a more positive way. As you forgive, try to approach your partner when your anger is lower and ask about the possibility of communicating with you in a more civil and even loving way. It is not the - [I have read one criticism of forgiveness that goes something like this: If people forgive, this may lower accountability.  In the case of legal issues, someone who requires serious time in corrections may be let off with too light of a sentence.  What do you think of this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/29/i-have-read-one-criticism-of-forgiveness-that-goes-something-like-this-if-people-forgive-this-may-lower-accountability-in-the-case-of-legal-issues-someone-who-requires-serious-time-in-correc/) - When you forgive, you can and should seek justice as these two moral virtues (forgiveness and justice) can occur simultaneously. Regarding the legal issue, there is an important difference between people forgiving others for offending them and legal pardon, in which the judge was not the one offended. In the event that judges are offended, - [I recently read that forgiving another person is “freeing yourself from the burden of negative emotions.”  Is this what forgiveness is?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/28/i-recently-read-that-forgiving-another-person-is-freeing-yourself-from-the-burden-of-negative-emotions-is-this-what-forgiveness-is/) - Actually, no, this is not what forgiveness is in its deepest sense. Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it involves, as best you can at the present time, being good to those who are not good to you. Forgiving includes seeing the humanity in the other person and working toward more positive thoughts, feelings, and - [When the emotional hurt seems too overwhelming, how can I start the process of forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/28/when-the-emotional-hurt-seems-too-overwhelming-how-can-i-start-the-process-of-forgiving/) - Acknowledging the emotional pain and letting yourself feel it often is a first step. Be careful not to pass negative judgement on yourself when feeling the pain. For example, refrain from such false judgements as “I must be weak to be feeling this kind of anger and sadness.” Those feelings are quite normal after betrayal. - [When I was only 8 years old, my father left our family. Now that the pressure is off and I'm an adult attending college, he has changed his mind. I don't even know him, but he wants to build a relationship with me. Does moving forward with this seem a little phony?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/27/when-i-was-only-8-years-old-my-father-left-our-family-now-that-the-pressure-is-off-and-im-an-adult-attending-college-he-has-changed-his-mind-i-dont-even-know-him-but-he-wants-to-build-a-relat/) - Forgiveness is always possible. You observe your father's errors. I believe he also sees them. You have every right to be angry. At the same time, if you have mercy on your father and think about forgiving him, you could give him a great gift of mercy and help your own emotional rehabilitation. You will - [What risks come when attempting to reconcile with someone who has previously shown himself to be unreliable?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/27/what-risks-come-when-attempting-to-reconcile-with-someone-who-has-previously-shown-himself-to-be-unreliable/) - Here are three issues for your consideration: 1. You risk being harmed again in the same manner if you make a hasty reconciliation without the other party expressing regret, contrition, or considering recompense. 2. Please remember that reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. Even if you have the deepest forgiveness, you won't be - [2025: The 30th Anniversary of the First-Ever National Conference on Person-to-Person Forgiveness Ever Held at a University](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/2025-the-30th-anniversary-of-the-first-ever-national-conference-on-person-to-person-forgiveness-ever-held-at-a-university/) - My, how time flies. It now has been 30 years since the National Conference on Forgiveness, held at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, March/April, 1995. This was the first conference on the topic of person-to-person forgiveness held on a university campus. This shows you how rare the discussion of forgiveness has been within humanity ever since - [Do you ever find that anyone actually starts the forgiveness process for anything other than the self-interest of feeling better?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/26/do-you-ever-find-that-anyone-actually-starts-the-forgiveness-process-for-anything-other-than-the-self-interest-of-feeling-better/) - First, we have to realize that the self-interest to which you refer is not a selfish process. As an analogy, if you sprain your ankle and go to a physician for help, this is self-care, not selfishness. I do find that such self-care is a strong motivation for many people to forgive. Yet, I also - [If forgiveness sets me free from resentment, then isn’t it the case that forgiveness is about me and not about the one who hurt me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/26/if-forgiveness-sets-me-free-from-resentment-then-isnt-it-the-case-that-forgiveness-is-about-me-and-not-about-the-one-who-hurt-me/) - You need to make a distinction between what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes in you. When you forgive, you are reaching out in mercy toward the one who was unfair to you. As you forgive well, then one accomplishment in you as forgiver is a reduction in resentment. That accomplishment is not the same - [My brother put up his hand when I said, “I forgive you.”  He shouted, “Stop! I do not need to be forgiven!” Should I not forgive under this circumstance?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/25/my-brother-put-up-his-hand-when-i-said-i-forgive-you-he-shouted-stop-i-do-not-need-to-be-forgiven-should-i-not-forgive-under-this-circumstance/) - Your brother should not dictate to you whether or not to forgive him. If he did wrong, and you want to forgive, then you should forgive. You can do so without proclaiming it to him. Do so in your mind and heart, and how you respond to your brother. Forgiveness is your choice and should - [If my friend refuses to forgive a particular person, is it my business to try to convince her otherwise?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/25/if-my-friend-refuses-to-forgive-a-particular-person-is-it-my-business-to-try-to-convince-her-otherwise/) - You need to be careful with what you say to her and how you approach her on this. If you truly think it is in her best interest to forgive, you might try saying something like this: “I understand your frustration, and forgiveness is your choice. Your ‘no’ to forgiving today is not necessarily your - [My partner and I have been in somewhat rocky relationship.  We have forgiven each other, but how do we know if we have deeply and truly forgiven so that we can move on well?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/25/my-partner-and-i-have-been-in-somewhat-rocky-relationship-we-have-forgiven-each-other-but-how-do-we-know-if-we-have-deeply-and-truly-forgiven-so-that-we-can-move-on-well/) - I would recommend the following four points as you discern whether or not you have forgiven well: First of all, please realize that as we forgive, not all anger or sadness is completely eliminated. You may have some residual negative feelings and that is normal. Second, after we forgive, we may have to forgive again - [One more follow-up, please.  This is my sixth follow-up.  There is advice floating around that to forgive is to do your own private work on yourself by reducing anger and discontent.  After our exchange of ideas, this seems incorrect to me.  What can be done to correct this misinformation that seems to be popular now?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/one-more-follow-up-please-this-is-my-sixth-follow-up-there-is-advice-floating-around-that-to-forgive-is-to-do-your-own-private-work-on-yourself-by-reducing-anger-and-discontent-a/) - A key issue is this: Always and without exception, get to know the definition of forgiveness, what it is and what it is not. An entire issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology (February 2025) was dedicated to this very issue. The central paper, which attempted a definitive definition of forgiveness based on - [Sorry for so many questions.  This is my fifth follow-up to your idea that forgiveness is a moral virtue.  I have been told that I can complete forgiveness in as little as four sessions.  Can I do the work involved in the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives, along with the other processes that you briefly described, in four sessions?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/sorry-for-so-many-questions-this-is-my-fifth-follow-up-to-your-idea-that-forgiveness-is-a-moral-virtue-i-have-been-told-that-i-can-complete-forgiveness-in-as-little-as-four-sessions/) - If you have been deeply hurt by the other person, then four sessions likely will not be sufficient. You may need 12 or more sessions because it takes time to view the person from the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives, wait for the time for your heart to soften, and then move forward with other - [As my fourth follow-up to your idea that forgiveness is a moral virtue, why in the world would my taking the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives lead to a diminishing of my frustration and anger toward the one who hurt me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/as-my-fourth-follow-up-to-your-idea-that-forgiveness-is-a-moral-virtue-why-in-the-world-would-my-taking-the-personal-global-and-cosmic-perspectives-lead-to-a-diminishing-of-my-frustration-and-anger/) - As people begin to see the injuring person as more than the injustices against them, forgivers find that they are beginning to soften their hearts, even a little, toward the other person. This softening of the heart tends to reduce anger. There are other processes beyond these, as explained, for example, in the book Forgiveness - [As my third follow-up to your idea that forgiveness is a moral virtue, how do I go about seeing the personhood in the one who injured me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/as-my-third-follow-up-to-your-idea-that-forgiveness-is-a-moral-virtue-how-do-i-go-about-seeing-the-personhood-in-the-one-who-injured-me/) - You can begin to see this person’s struggles in life. Perhaps he was hurt by others when he was a child or an adolescent. Perhaps he currently is having difficulty at work and in his pain, he displaced his anger onto you. We call these kinds of views the personal perspective. As another view on - [As my second follow-up to your idea that forgiveness is a moral virtue focused on the person who behaved badly, why would I want to do that?  It only makes me feel worse when I think of him.  I would prefer to forget about him.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/as-my-second-follow-up-to-your-idea-that-forgiveness-is-a-moral-virtue-focused-on-the-person-who-behaved-badly-why-would-i-want-to-do-that-it-only-makes-me-feel-worse-when-i-think-of-him/) - Forgetting about him is not forgiveness. You need to make a decision about whether or not you want to actually engage in the moral virtue of forgiveness. If you do, then you will try, by your free will, to begin seeing the personhood in this person. It takes time to do that. - [In response to your question about my question, here is how I understand forgiveness: When we forgive, we concentrate on letting the anger or disappointment drift away.  In this way, the negative emotions no longer are affecting a person.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/in-response-to-your-question-about-my-question-here-is-how-i-understand-forgiveness-when-we-forgive-we-concentrate-on-letting-the-anger-or-disappointment-drift-away-in-this-way-the-negative/) - I think you are tapping into some current writing about forgiveness that actually is a distortion of it. When we forgive, we do not concentrate on our emotions. Instead, we engage in a moral virtue of mercy toward a person who acted unjustly. In other words, the focus is on the other person, not on - [You emphasize practice as a way of growing in forgiveness. I have been practicing now for about four weeks on forgiving someone.  It is not working.  What do I do now?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/06/24/you-emphasize-practice-as-a-way-of-growing-in-forgiveness-i-have-been-practicing-now-for-about-four-weeks-on-forgiving-someone-it-is-not-working-what-do-i-do-now/) - I first have to ask you a question: What is your definition of forgiveness? I want to be sure that you are understanding it correctly. - [Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/23/which-protects-you-better-anger-or-forgiveness/) - On May 14, 2025, an essay was published on the Psychology Today website (Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?) contrasting anger as a response to injustice and forgiveness as a very different response. The contrast was discussed because research shows that short-term anger can be beneficial. As stated on the website: “In a recent - [I’m not angry. My father ignored me as a child, so I don't have to forgive him, right?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/30/im-not-angry-my-father-ignored-me-as-a-child-so-i-dont-have-to-forgive-him-right/) - To start or continue forgiving, you do not need to be angry. For instance, are you feeling sad or disappointed? Do you believe that you and your father can now have a sincere, trustworthy relationship? If you do not think that a genuine reconciliation is possible between your father and you, then forgiveness would be - [The concept of forgiveness as a whole bothers me. I am asked to "leave it in the past" or "just move on" if I am to forgive. When the memories simply won't go away, how can I "leave it in the past"?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/30/the-concept-of-forgiveness-as-a-whole-bothers-me-i-am-asked-to-leave-it-in-the-past-or-just-move-on-if-i-am-to-forgive-when-the-memories-simply-wont-go-away-how-can-i-leave-it-in-the-pa/) - Forgiveness is more than simply letting go of the past or moving on. Forgiveness is a moral virtue that emphasizes kindness toward specific people, those who have wronged you. This experience of “the memories simply won’t go away" diminishes when you forgive because you start to see that person differently. Without this paradox of struggling - [I have taken your advice and have applied what you call the “strong will” to forgive someone who deeply hurt me.  I still feel stuck. Do you have a further recommendation for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/29/i-have-taken-your-advice-and-have-applied-what-you-call-the-strong-will-to-forgive-someone-who-deeply-hurt-me-i-still-feel-stuck-do-you-have-a-further-recommendation-for-me/) - Yes, I understand how hard it is to forgive at times, and so please accept my sympathy. I recommend that you try to forgive someone else first if you are having trouble forgiving a certain individual. Forgiving this new person first may be easier because the injustice may not have been as serious. With this - [For me, forgiveness, at least some of the time, is easy to begin, but it can be difficult to maintain. I kind of want to go on with my life and do other things. So, how can I keep going until the very end and forgive completely without giving up?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/29/for-me-forgiveness-at-least-some-of-the-time-is-easy-to-begin-but-it-can-be-difficult-to-maintain-i-kind-of-want-to-go-on-with-my-life-and-do-other-things-so-how-can-i-keep-going-until-the-very/) - I discuss three kinds of will in my book, The Forgiving Life: the good will, the free will, and the strong will. Having good will enables you to respond with kindness to people who have injured you and to see them for who they truly are. Saying "yes" to the forgiving process itself is made - [Thank you for helping me see that I can forgive my grandmother, who is no longer among the living.  Do you have a resource that you could share with me about forgiving someone who has passed away?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/28/thank-you-for-helping-me-see-that-i-can-forgive-my-grandmother-who-is-no-longer-among-the-living-do-you-have-a-resource-that-you-could-share-with-me-about-forgiving-someone-who-has-passed-away/) - Yes, here is an essay I wrote about that on the Psychology Today website: Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?, November 1, 2018 - [I began the process of extending forgiveness to my mother. As I traveled this path, I came to see that my grandmother, who died before I was born, mistreated her. Despite never having met her, should I also extend forgiveness to my grandmother?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/28/i-began-the-process-of-extending-forgiveness-to-my-mother-as-i-traveled-this-path-i-came-to-see-that-my-grandmother-who-died-before-i-was-born-mistreated-her-despite-never-having-met-her-should/) - You can forgive your grandmother, yes. Trudy Govier, a philosopher, refers to this as secondary forgiveness. Because of what she did to your mother, your grandmother was indirectly unfair to you, even though she was not outright unjust to you. - [What if I think that forgiveness is not a good solution to injustice?  What then is the role of forgiveness in this context?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/27/what-if-i-think-that-forgiveness-is-not-a-good-solution-to-injustice-what-then-is-the-role-of-forgiveness-in-this-context/) - Since the moral virtue of justice is what is necessary to right a wrong, forgiveness is not a solution to injustice. In response to injustice, forgiveness entails facing its effects, which may include anger, strained relationships, and discord in the family or organization. If you decide to forgive, it is important to manage these negative - [Is it possible for those who have been oppressed by injustice to live in a community that is forgiving? Shouldn't we first acknowledge the injustice and perhaps work to overcome it before considering forgiveness on a community level?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/27/is-it-possible-for-those-who-have-been-oppressed-by-injustice-to-live-in-a-community-that-is-forgiving-shouldnt-we-first-acknowledge-the-injustice-and-perhaps-work-to-overcome-it-before-considering/) - By recognizing oppression and referring to it as unfair, one can acknowledge it. It is acceptable to be angry about oppression. However, if forgiveness is delayed until the injustice has been resolved, the oppressors benefit from both the initial and continuous oppression and the oppressed people's lingering, unhealthy anger or resentment. Over time, the animosity - [Is it more difficult to forgive someone who has anger in the heart than someone else who has grief in the heart as a consequence of unfair treatment?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/26/is-it-more-difficult-to-forgive-someone-who-has-anger-in-the-heart-than-someone-else-who-has-grief-in-the-heart-as-a-consequence-of-unfair-treatment/) - Both can be challenging. I believe that it is more difficult to forgive when the anger is really strong, in the form of an ongoing resentment, which might be accompanied, at least at times for some people, by hatred. Some people are so furious that they cannot even use the term "forgiveness" because it makes - [I put a lot of effort into forgiving others, but occasionally I have weeks where I don't want to even consider it or what happened to me. What can I do in these situations to avoid feeling badly or uneasy about putting forgiveness aside?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/26/i-put-a-lot-of-effort-into-forgiving-others-but-occasionally-i-have-weeks-where-i-dont-want-to-even-consider-it-or-what-happened-to-me-what-can-i-do-in-these-situations-to-avoid-feeling-badly-or-u/) - Let us begin with an analogy. Presume that you follow a fitness routine. Do you exercise weekly for a whole year, or do you take a break to rest, recover, and regroup? Physical trainers advise us to rest for a while. It benefits us. In the same way, imagine becoming forgivingly fit. Hard work is - [Your emphasis on forgiveness seems to leave out a legitimate time for being angry.  It seems natural to me that we get angry when treated unjustly.  Why shouldn’t we?  When treated badly, I think it is healthy to have some anger over what happened.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/25/your-emphasis-on-forgiveness-seems-to-leave-out-a-legitimate-time-for-being-angry-it-seems-natural-to-me-that-we-get-angry-when-treated-unjustly-why-shouldnt-we-when-trea/) - I agree, and your timing is interesting because I just recently posted an essay on Psychology Today addressing this very issue. It can be found here: Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?, May 14, 2025 The gist of that essay is that short-term anger is healthy, but when it deepens, festers, and lasts a - [Here is yet another issue between my husband and me.  We were talking to a group of friends about forgiveness.  Lately, two of the friends suggested to him that he should forgive one of his parents.  He then got upset with me, saying, “See what you have done?  Now, we even have our friends pressuring me into a forgiveness that I do not want to offer.”  What do you think?  How should I respond to him about this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/25/here-is-yet-another-issue-between-my-husband-and-me-we-were-talking-to-a-group-of-friends-about-forgiveness-lately-two-of-the-friends-suggested-to-him-that-he-should-forgive-one-of-his/) - It is important that your husband realizes that forgiveness is his own free will choice and that people should not pressure him into this. He then may be able to see that the friends are well-intentioned, but he does not have to automatically follow their lead on this. When he is ready, he may go - [My husband and I do not have children yet, but he has expressed concern that I might overemphasize forgiveness to them and make them weaklings.  What would you say to that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/24/my-husband-and-i-do-not-have-children-yet-but-he-has-expressed-concern-that-i-might-overemphasize-forgiveness-to-them-and-make-them-weaklings-what-would-you-say-to-that/) - Your husband is not seeing forgiveness deeply enough. Forgiveness is most certainly not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of courage and strength. After all, the forgiver is offering mercy through a heart of pain. I think the children need to know about forgiveness so that when others’ injustices hurt them, they know - [My husband continued to challenge me, saying that I am too soft on forgiving, and that I will likely stay in my job for a lifetime, even when my boss is mean to me, which he sometimes is.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/24/my-husband-continued-to-challenge-me-saying-that-i-am-too-soft-on-forgiving-and-that-i-will-likely-stay-in-my-job-for-a-lifetime-even-when-my-boss-is-mean-to-me-which-he-sometimes-is/) - Your partner is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. You need to point out the difference between the two. Forgiving is a moral virtue in which you willingly decide to have mercy on the one who behaved unjustly. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy between two or more people coming together - [Here is my second question about my partner’s and my disagreements on forgiveness.  He somewhat angrily said this to me: “You are so enthusiastic about forgiveness that you would let  dangerous prisoners out of jail.”  How do I handle that accusation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/23/here-is-my-second-question-about-my-partners-and-my-disagreements-on-forgiveness-he-somewhat-angrily-said-this-to-me-you-are-so-enthusiastic-about-forgiveness-that-you-would/) - Your partner may not understand that one can forgive and seek justice at the same time.. As you forgive, you can ask for fairness from the one who behaved badly. - [My partner, who is my husband, and I have been discussing forgiveness in our relationship.  I was surprised to hear his views, actually.  For example, he muttered under his breath, “She is too concerned about forgiveness.  That’s all she mentions lately.”  I have other questions for you, but I wanted to start with this one.  How do you suggest I handle this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/23/my-partner-who-is-my-husband-and-i-have-been-discussing-forgiveness-in-our-relationship-i-was-surprised-to-hear-his-views-actually-for-example-he-muttered-under-his-breath/) - It seems that your partner is not as enthusiastic about forgiveness as you are. In such a case, I tend to ask each person to be tolerant of the other’s acceptance or non-acceptance of forgiveness. In other words, let him choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for him (even if you have a - [Is there ever a time when the process of healing takes a different turn from forgiveness?  Here is an example: Suppose I forgive my partner for a certain unfairness.  Then she does the same injustice again, and I forgive again.  She then does this a third time.  Do I drop forgiveness and move in another direction, or do I forgive again?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/01/is-there-ever-a-time-when-the-process-of-healing-takes-a-different-turn-from-forgiveness-here-is-an-example-suppose-i-forgive-my-partner-for-a-certain-unfairness-then-she-does-the-same/) - I have found that as a person continues with an unfair set of actions, the forgiveness process becomes more challenging because the anger can build up even more. Yet, it is under such circumstances that forgiveness remains very important so that your anger does not get in the way of your well-being or the relationship. - [How can people be sure that they are done with their anger after forgiving and seeking forgiveness from a partner? Might residual anger spill over to new interactions in the relationship?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/01/how-can-people-be-sure-that-they-are-done-with-their-anger-after-forgiving-and-seeking-forgiveness-from-a-partner-might-residual-anger-spill-over-to-new-interactions-in-the-relationship/) - Sometimes all of one’s anger does not extinguish upon first forgiving. Yet, even if some anger is left over, as long as much of it has diminished so that the anger is not in control within the relationship, the partners can move forward well. A key is to be aware of the residual anger and - [Is it possible for healthy anger to turn into unhealthy rage over time?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/05/01/is-it-possible-for-healthy-anger-to-turn-into-unhealthy-rage-over-time/) - This is feasible, yes. It is normal to feel angry when someone treats you unfairly because it is a means to let the other person know that you are a valuable person who shouldn't be treated that way. You will need an outlet for the anger if you keep thinking about what happened, and your - [My therapist recently recommended forgiveness therapy for me.  I am not quite sure what that is. Do you have a succinct explanation of this so that I can get a sense of whether or not this is right for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/30/my-therapist-recently-recommended-forgiveness-therapy-for-me-i-am-not-quite-sure-what-that-is-do-you-have-a-succinct-explanation-of-this-so-that-i-can-get-a-sense-of-whether-or-not-this-is-rig/) - Yes, I have a recent essay on the Psychology Today website that gives the reader a sense of what forgiveness therapy is. You can access the essay here: Why Forgiveness Therapy? Advice for Those Contemplating It, March 18, 2025 - [When a person forgives, is this an exercise in offering fairness to the one who behaved badly, or is it an act of mercy in which I give more than what is deserved?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/30/when-a-person-forgives-is-this-an-exercise-in-offering-fairness-to-the-one-who-behaved-badly-or-is-it-an-act-of-mercy-in-which-i-give-more-than-what-is-deserved/) - You have a good sense of mercy when you say it is giving more than what is deserved. In contrast, justice is giving what is deserved. When you give forgiveness to someone who hurt your heart, on its highest level, you are offering agape love or goodness toward the other, even when it is painful - [My partner is strongly opposed to my forgiving my boss for continual actions of disrespect.  He says that I should just get another job and move on.  I wonder what you think about this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/29/my-partner-is-strongly-opposed-to-my-forgiving-my-boss-for-continual-actions-of-disrespect-he-says-that-i-should-just-get-another-job-and-move-on-i-wonder-what-you-think-about-this/) - Your partner is talking about stopping your professional relationship with the boss. This would be an act of not reconciling. Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you are free, when you so choose, to offer mercy to your boss in spite of the disrespectful behavior. Reconciliation, - [I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for injustices against my partner.  Do you have any suggestions for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/29/i-am-finding-it-very-hard-to-forgive-myself-for-injustices-against-my-partner-do-you-have-any-suggestions-for-me/) - People tend to find it harder to forgive themselves than to forgive other people. So, I recommend that you start by forgiving a few people who have not deeply hurt your heart, but you still have anger toward them. As you forgive these people, one at a time and without haste, you will learn that - [A Forgotten History of Polish People’s Forgiveness After Auschwitz](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/24/a-forgotten-history-of-polish-peoples-forgiveness-after-auschwitz/) - This is a guest blog post from Edward Reid, who runs the “Polish History” site on Facebook. The essay, copied in full here with Mr. Reid’s permission, shows the forgiving nature of the Polish people after Rudolf Höss brutalized so many in Auschwitz. Edward Reid - Polish History Facebook page - April 16, 2025 The - [‘I Forgive You’: After Decades Behind Bars for His Wife’s Murder, Leo Schofield Finds Healing in a Call with the Man Who Confessed](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/22/i-forgive-you-after-decades-behind-bars-for-his-wifes-murder-leo-schofield-finds-healing-in-a-call-with-the-man-who-confessed/) - On April 11, 2025, The News Review (https://www.nrtoday.com/he-served-36-years-for-his-wife-s-murder-and-then-forgave-the-man-who/article_473a7a92-17a1-4b83-95e0-e353e4bcb615.html) in Oregon reported on a man, Leo Schofield, who allegedly killed his wife. He was released from a correctional institution after serving 36 years. He maintained his innocence throughout the imprisonment. Upon being released to regular society, Mr. Schofield took about one year, and then he had - [According to your forgiveness procedure, we should wait before forgiving someone. Is it ever acceptable to begin forgiving right away, when the injustice has just occurred and the hurt is still raw?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/28/according-to-your-forgiveness-procedure-we-should-wait-before-forgiving-someone-is-it-ever-acceptable-to-begin-forgiving-right-away-when-the-injustice-has-just-occurred-and-the-hurt-is-still-raw/) - Most individuals need some time to cool down, feel the anger, and consider what happened before they are ready to forgive. However, this does not mean that forgiveness does not start right away for some people. It is acceptable to begin some of the forgiveness exercises immediately if you are ready and have some experience - [Someone asked me to forgive him when I still was quite angry.  I did say, "I forgive you," but I made a self-promise to try to forgive the other person. I now feel like a hypocrite since I spoke the words of forgiveness while harboring a great deal of resentment. Does this make me a hypocrite, then?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/27/someone-asked-me-to-forgive-him-when-i-still-was-quite-angry-i-did-say-i-forgive-you-but-i-made-a-self-promise-to-try-to-forgive-the-other-person-i-now-feel-like-a-hypocrite-since-i-spok/) - You made a commitment to yourself to carry on the forgiveness process in your own heart (and most likely in your interactions with the individual), so when you uttered the words of forgiveness, you most definitely had good intentions. To act contrary to your own convictions or even your own intentions is to be a - [How can we strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and putting up with verbal abuse that keeps coming from someone who simply won't stop?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/26/how-can-we-strike-a-balance-between-taking-care-of-ourselves-and-putting-up-with-verbal-abuse-that-keeps-coming-from-someone-who-simply-wont-stop/) - When you choose to forgive, you don't have to endure the ongoing abuse that is draining you. You might need to leave the conversation for a while. Please make an effort to keep in mind that reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things. Taking a break from the other person's interactions is a smart self-care - [Can people forgive in groups or would this inhibit their telling their story of injustice against them when others are watching and perhaps judging?  In other words, would it be better to have one-on-one forgiveness counseling rather than group work?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/25/can-people-forgive-in-groups-or-would-this-inhibit-their-telling-their-story-of-injustice-against-them-when-others-are-watching-and-perhaps-judging-in-other-words-would-it-be-better-to-have-on/) - We have done randomized experimental and control group studies in which one-on-one work was done and others in which group work was done. Group work can take several sessions before the participants bond with one another and are willing to open up about their pain and the injustices against them. Yet, this kind of openness - [I have been reading and inspired by one of your self-help forgiveness books.  I used the information in it.  I forgave my brother for certain injustices.  When I went to him and quietly told him that I forgive him, he responded angrily.  He said that he did nothing wrong and that I am being overly sensitive.  I have carefully examined my conscience and have concluded that he truly acted unfairly and that my response is the truth.  What do I do now?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/25/i-have-been-reading-and-inspired-by-one-of-your-self-help-forgiveness-books-i-used-the-information-in-it-i-forgave-my-brother-for-certain-injustices-when-i-went-to-him-and-quietly/) - First, congratulations on your courage to forgive. Second, you may have to forgive your brother for his new response to you, which obviously hurt you. Third, please keep in mind that he is on a different level of development with regard to receiving or seeking forgiveness than you are in your journey of forgiving. Give - [What is the difference between forgiving and legal pardon?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/24/what-is-the-difference-between-forgiving-and-legal-pardon/) - When a judge decides to reduce a deserved sentence for a person within a correctional system, that judge is not the one who was treated unjustly by the one pardoned. The judge, in other words, needs to be detached from the unjust situation for a fair ruling. In contrast, a forgiver has been the one - [I have heard that your colleagues and you have written a manuscript on the philosophical issues of the definition of forgiveness.  Would you please provide me with that reference?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/24/i-have-heard-that-your-colleagues-and-you-have-written-a-manuscript-on-the-philosophical-issues-of-the-definition-of-forgiveness-would-you-please-provide-me-with-that-reference/) - We have a complete issue of the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, which is the first issue, in February for 2025. The reference to our central article in that issue and our final response to the commentaries are as follows: Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within - [If I do not reconcile once I have forgiven, does this make the forgiveness process incomplete?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/23/if-i-do-not-reconcile-once-i-have-forgiven-does-this-make-the-forgiveness-process-incomplete/) - Forgiveness is what you are able to offer, from your own free will, and when you do so, then you have done the best that you can right now. Reconciliation, in contrast, involves at least two or more people coming together again in mutual----mutual----trust. If the other person remains unrepentant and continues with hurtful, unjust - [It seems to be dangerous to advocate for forgiveness when a person is being abused in a partnering relationship.  Wouldn’t such forgiveness simply encourage the forgiver to stay in the unhealthy relationship?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/23/it-seems-to-be-dangerous-to-advocate-for-forgiveness-when-a-person-is-being-abused-in-a-partnering-relationship-wouldnt-such-forgiveness-simply-encourage-the-forgiver-to-stay-in-the-un/) - Actually, no. Forgiving, properly understood, does not include automatic reconciliation. A person can begin to forgive while in the relationship, so that the anger can be reduced, which would be healthy for the forgiver. This person then can ask for justice, and if the severe injustice continues, then the forgiver could consider leaving the toxic - [Can I forgive my cat who clawed up my favorite pillow?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/22/can-i-forgive-my-cat-who-clawed-up-my-favorite-pillow/) - I would urge you to accept what your cat did, but not forgive your cat. Cats, like other mammals, do not have rational faculties as humans do. Cats do not reason out what is right and wrong the way people do. Therefore, we cannot impute ill intent to cats the way we can with people. - [Do you think that, as people forgive and see the one who acted unfairly as a genuine human being with weaknesses, there is a tendency to reinterpret that person's intentions connected to the actions?  In other words, the forgiver then does not see the intention as a desire to do bad things?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/22/do-you-think-that-as-people-forgive-and-see-the-one-who-acted-unfairly-as-a-genuine-human-being-with-weaknesses-there-is-a-tendency-to-reinterpret-that-persons-intentions-connected-to-the-actions/) - I think, as people forgive those who had bad intentions, the forgivers still see the intent as bad. The forgiveness response does not change the perception of the other’s intent. Instead, forgiving changes how the forgiver perceives the offending person as someone of inherent worth, despite the bad intent. - [Can you recommend a film for me in which a person forgives and yet others near this person are not happy with the decision?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/22/can-you-recommend-a-film-for-me-in-which-a-person-forgives-and-yet-others-near-this-person-are-not-happy-with-the-decision/) - Yes, there is a documentary film entitled Forgiving Dr. Mengele, in which Eva Mozes Kor forgives the Nazis for her being imprisoned in Auschwitz during World War III. Some of the twins who were imprisoned with her thought that her forgiving was not right. One person, for example, in the film refers to Eva’s forgiving - [What are some steps to reconciliation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/04/22/what-are-some-steps-to-reconciliation/) - I discuss the 3 R’s of remorse, repentance, and recompense. Remorse is inner sorrow for causing injustice. Repentance is the outward language and behavior to demonstrate that sorry, such as a sincere apology. Recompense is making up for the unfairness as best as one can. When a person who has been treated unfairly by another - [Dr. Robert Enright and IFI colleagues featured in recent edition of APA Journal](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/25/dr-robert-enright-and-ifi-colleagues-featured-in-recent-edition-of-apa-journal/) - Robert Enright was the special issue editor for the first issue of 2025 in the American Psychological Association's Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology. His colleagues and he published the centerpiece article on what they call the "definitional drift" in how researchers understand the moral construct of forgiveness. There are at least eight different definitions of forgiveness - [Dr. Enright Gives Keynote Address at Restorative Justice Conference](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/25/dr-enright-gives-keynote-address-at-restorative-justice-conference/) - Dr. Robert Enright gave the keynote address at the national restorative justice conference, Embracing the Circle Conference, at Stranmillis University College, Belfast, Northern Ireland, on February 5, 2025. The address was entitled Developing teachers and students as transmitters of forgiveness. One of his main points is that restorative justice primarily is centered on dialogue. Yet, - [Thank you for suggesting the film Forgiving Dr. Mengele.  I have viewed it and it is very powerful.  What is your opinion of how to handle such situations in which others look on unfavorably when a person forgives people for a horrendous injustice, as Eva did?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/30/thank-you-for-suggesting-the-film-forgiving-dr-mengele-i-have-viewed-it-and-it-is-very-powerful-what-is-your-opinion-of-how-to-handle-such-situations-in-which-others-look-on-unfavorably/) - I tend to ask for patience as people exercise their own free will. In other words, if you see people who are forgiving someone for a certain injustice which is so serious that you would not forgive the person, try to let the forgivers make their own decisions. Similarly, if some people hesitate to forgive - [What if I reconcile with my former partner and then, at times, I am triggered by current behavior that reminds me of the past?  I am kind of worried about that.  Might my anger well up again and hurt the current relationship?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/29/what-if-i-reconcile-with-my-former-partner-and-then-at-times-i-am-triggered-by-current-behavior-that-reminds-me-of-the-past-i-am-kind-of-worried-about-that-might-my-anger-well-up-again/) - It is not uncommon to be what psychologists call classically conditioned to respond now in certain ways based on what you experienced in the past. I think it is good to anticipate this and be ready to forgive again for what happened in the past. Not one of us is a perfect forgiver, so you - [May I ask a further question?  Yes, I did my “very best” at the time of the break-up with my partner and so we split.  This now is a year later and I am seeing evidence that this former partner of mine has changed for the better.  We are both still available.  Can I somehow change the break-up, and how would forgiveness fit into that?  Should I ask my former partner to forgive me for the break-up?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/29/may-i-ask-a-further-question-yes-i-did-my-very-best-at-the-time-of-the-break-up-with-my-partner-and-so-we-split-this-now-is-a-year-later-and-i-am-seeing-evidence-that/) - I think seeing if you can both work your way back together is reasonable, given your description of this person’s current behaviors. I do not think that you should ask for forgiveness for the break-up because you did nothing wrong in initiating it. In other words, you did not behave unjustly. The other person is - [I did not reconcile with a partner who cheated on me.  I did forgive.  I then gave it much thought and concluded that this person just cannot be trusted and so I left.  It has been about a year now and I am feeling guilty for leaving the relationship.  Help!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/28/i-did-not-reconcile-with-a-partner-who-cheated-on-me-i-did-forgive-i-then-gave-it-much-thought-and-concluded-that-this-person-just-cannot-be-trusted-and-so-i-left-it-has-been-abou/) - Here is one way of reducing your guilt: It seems to me from your description of the issues that you did your very best. You were hurt. You forgave. You then gave it “much thought” to be sure that the other could not be trusted. You now have to work on this thought: You did - [Can there be such a thing as false reconciliation? In other words, can a person say, “Please forgive me.  I will never do it again,” but then keep on doing the nonsense?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/28/can-there-be-such-a-thing-as-false-reconciliation-in-other-words-can-a-person-say-please-forgive-me-i-will-never-do-it-again-but-then-keep-on-doing-the-nonsense/) - Yes, there definitely can be manipulations by some people, and a false apology is one of them. In such cases, the one hurt by the other often gets signals of insincerity coming from the other and even outright evidence of continued wrongdoing. This, of course, then makes genuine reconciliation more difficult in the future if - [May I ask a further question about reconciliation?  Suppose the one who behaved badly shows what you call the 3 R’s of remorse, repentance, and recompense.  Yet, the one who was hurt does not want to reconcile.  What is your advice in this circumstance?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/27/may-i-ask-a-further-question-about-reconciliation-suppose-the-one-who-behaved-badly-shows-what-you-call-the-3-rs-of-remorse-repentance-and-recompense-yet-the-one-who-was-hurt/) - If the one who behaved unjustly has truly changed and the one offended rejects this, it usually is the case that this latter person has not forgiven in a deep way and may need more time. This is a delicate matter in that we do not then want to put pressure on the person to - [I would like to ask another question based on my previous one about knowing when a partner has forgiven: Is that the end of the story when they have forgiven each other?  Are there additional steps to be taken after forgiveness between a couple has occurred?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/26/i-would-like-to-ask-another-question-based-on-my-previous-one-about-knowing-when-a-partner-has-forgiven-is-that-the-end-of-the-story-when-they-have-forgiven-each-other-are-there-additional-ste/) - An additional step is reconciliation or working on coming together again in mutual trust. In other words, has the behavior that led to the frustrations and disappointments been addressed and rectified, at least to a reasonable degree? We cannot expect perfection in the reconciliation; instead, we can expect a genuine attempt at changing the behavior. - [Given our imperfect world, frustrations and disappointments are to be expected in an intimate relationship. If these injustices are not severe but more of the everyday variety, how does each member of the couple know when the forgiveness is complete?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/26/given-our-imperfect-world-frustrations-and-disappointments-are-to-be-expected-in-an-intimate-relationship-if-these-injustices-are-not-severe-but-more-of-the-everyday-variety-how-does-each-member-of/) - The late Louis Smedes, in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget, said that we know we are forgiving in a reasonable way when we wish the other well. In other words, unhealthy anger that is deep and long-lasting has ended for the one who was treated unfairly. - [As a follow-up to my question on filial piety, do you think that when adult children forgive parents for harsh parenting when the adult child was young, the forgiving on the part of the adult child is false forgiveness?  In other words, the adult child forces herself to forgive, and so it is not really sincere.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/25/as-a-follow-up-to-my-question-on-filial-piety-do-you-think-that-when-adult-children-forgive-parents-for-harsh-parenting-when-the-adult-child-was-young-the-forgiving-on-the-part-of-the-adult-child-is/) - If the adult child is pressured by others to forgive the parents, then this could result in a superficial forgiveness, or what you call false forgiveness. Yet, given that many who practice filial piety would not think of forgiving the parents as a usual approach, then the forgiving likely may be thoughtful and based on - [In my culture, it is considered improper for adult children to criticize parents for stern discipline when the child was young.  Would you call this a form of rigid psychological repression or suppression on the part of the adult children, in which case this norm of not criticizing is unhealthy?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/25/in-my-culture-it-is-considered-improper-for-adult-children-to-criticize-parents-for-stern-discipline-when-the-child-was-young-would-you-call-this-a-form-of-rigid-psychological-repression-or-su/) - You seem to be referring to the theme of “filial piety, " a norm in some cultures. Filial piety urges the children, even as adults, to respect the parents. In my experience talking with university students who grew up with filial piety, some of them come to realize that stern discipline by the parents was - [I am a university student who will be conducting research in the future. I am quite interested in whether there are studies of forgiveness interventions done with children. If so, where can I find some of these resources?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/24/i-am-a-university-student-who-will-be-conducting-research-in-the-future-i-am-quite-interested-in-whether-there-are-studies-of-forgiveness-interventions-done-with-children-if-so-where-can-i-find-som/) - Yes, there has been extensive research on forgiveness education for children and adolescents. An extensive literature review across 10 different world cultures was published, showing that as students learn about forgiveness, they tend to increase their forgiveness of those who hurt them and decrease their anger. Here is a reference to that journal article, which - [Do you think it is a good idea to “forgive and forget”?  It seems to me that if we completely forget, then we are open to the injustices experienced before.  Maybe we remember and, at the same time, not dwell on the person’s actions.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/24/do-you-think-it-is-a-good-idea-to-forgive-and-forget-it-seems-to-me-that-if-we-completely-forget-then-we-are-open-to-the-injustices-experienced-before-maybe-we-remembe/) - You show insight here as you answer your own question. I use the expression, “Forgive and remember in new ways.” In other words, we do not develop a kind of moral amnesia in which we completely forget. We remember so that it does not happen again, but we remember without the burning anger that can - [I want to consider self-forgiveness.  Do any of your publications focus on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/24/i-want-to-consider-self-forgiveness-do-any-of-your-publications-focus-on-this/) - Yes, and I would recommend the book 8 Keys to Forgiveness, published in 2015. The seventh “key” in the book discusses the controversies surrounding self-forgiveness, what self-forgiveness is, and how to go about forgiving yourself. - [The Role of Emotional Validation in Apologies and Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/17/the-role-of-emotional-validation-in-apologies-and-forgiveness/) - This blog post is by Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a Contributing Writer and Researcher to the IFI. She is a Professor in the Educational Psychology department at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, Iowa. I did something to hurt my daughter the other day. It was unintentional, but she was angry and hurt, and - [Where does self-forgiveness fit into anger at oneself or others?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/04/where-does-self-forgiveness-fit-into-anger-at-oneself-or-others/) - We forgive ourselves when we have broken our own moral standards. Because it tends to be harder to forgive the self than other people, I recommend that you first forgive someone who has hurt you. Get to know the process of forgiveness this way. See how you broaden your view of this person and begin - [If I understand correctly, anger is an important step before the forgiveness process happens. What if someone has passive-aggressive anger? Is this all right to have?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/03/03/if-i-understand-correctly-anger-is-an-important-step-before-the-forgiveness-process-happens-what-if-someone-has-passive-aggressive-anger-is-this-all-right-to-have/) - There is a large difference between feeling the anger before starting the forgiveness process and acting on that anger. Passive-aggressive anger is directed toward others and should be resisted. The idea of "do no harm" includes the period in which a person feels initial anger, after experiencing injustice, and prior to forgiving. - [Husband says he begged God to forgive his wife after she killed her four children and herself](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/26/husband-says-he-begged-god-to-forgive-his-wife-after-she-killed-her-four-children-and-herself/) - On February 19 of this year, Gina Vivinetto on the website Today (https://www.today.com/parents/tranyelle-harshman-murder-suicide-kids-rcna192839) reported on a tragic murder and suicide by a woman and her four children. The woman was suffering from both postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The husband, Cliff Harshman, in an act of heroism, reported that he "begged God to forgive her" - [Can Murderers Be Forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/18/can-murderers-be-forgiven/) - I recently watched a podcast video in which a prominent world figure, currently involved in inter-country conflict, was asked about the possibility of forgiving the other nation's leader. The world leader then asked this rhetorical question in response to the host: “Can murderers be forgiven?” It was obvious by his anger that the world leader - [Forgive and forget.  I hear this so often.  Do we forget when we forgive?  If so, then how can we prevent the recurrence of others’ unjust behavior?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/26/forgive-and-forget-i-hear-this-so-often-do-we-forget-when-we-forgive-if-so-then-how-can-we-prevent-the-recurrence-of-others-unjust-behavior/) - In my experience with helping people to forgive, I do not see that people literally forget what happened to them. Instead, I use the expression that people begin to “remember in new ways.” This is what I mean: The forgiver does recall the unjust behavior so that it does not keep occurring. Yet, in recalling - [I became aware of how angry I am now toward my mother for how she dealt with me when I was a child.  This occurred to me after reading your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. Is it typical to be angry, yet to have no idea how angry you are?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/26/i-became-aware-of-how-angry-i-am-now-toward-my-mother-for-how-she-dealt-with-me-when-i-was-a-child-this-occurred-to-me-after-reading-your-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-is-it-typical-to-be-angr/) - Indeed, it is common to be angry and not be acutely aware of this. It is because of the psychological defense mechanisms, which include repression, suppression, and denial. If these defenses shield us from unpleasant emotions or thoughts when we are not prepared to face them head-on, then they are working in our favor. When - [My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, and I find myself bringing up past things that I thought were resolved and for which I believed I had forgiven him. Considering how often I bring up the past problems, do you believe I really have forgiven him for them?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/25/my-boyfriend-and-i-have-been-arguing-lately-and-i-find-myself-bringing-up-past-things-that-i-thought-were-resolved-and-for-which-i-believed-i-had-forgiven-him-considering-how-often-i-bring-up-the-pa/) - Since you say that forgiveness is now a part of you, it appears to me that you have started the process of forgiving. Please remember that it is normal to still feel some pain from past injustices. If you want to lessen your excessive anger from those situations, then I suggest that you continue to - [Lately, I have entered what you call the Decision Phase of forgiveness.  In making the decision to forgive my former friend, I feel lighter, less angry.  Might this be enough so that I do not have to then enter what you call the Work Phase of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/25/lately-i-have-entered-what-you-call-the-decision-phase-of-forgiveness-in-making-the-decision-to-forgive-my-former-friend-i-feel-lighter-less-angry-might-this-be-enough-so-that-i-do-no/) - Let us take an analogy. Suppose you decide to take out a membership in a health club to get in good physical shape. You feel good about your decision. Are you now in good physical shape because you will be taking out the membership, or do you have to open that gym door, use the - [How can I be sure that I want to go on the forgiveness journey?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/24/how-can-i-be-sure-that-i-want-to-go-on-the-forgiveness-journey/) - I would recommend that you focus on the following questions to help you make this decision: 1. Has the person truly been unfair to you? In other words, are there extenuating circumstances for the person so that you conclude: What happened to me was not unfair now that I think more deeply about it? 2. - [If I do not meet the full definition of forgiveness in my forgiving life, have I failed at forgiveness?  In other words, if I do not get to the positive side of forgiveness and do not have benevolence toward the one who hurt me, am I a failure at forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/24/if-i-do-not-meet-the-full-definition-of-forgiveness-in-my-forgiving-life-have-i-failed-at-forgiveness-in-other-words-if-i-do-not-get-to-the-positive-side-of-forgiveness-and-do-not-have-benevo/) - The ancient Greek philosopher stated that none of us reaches perfection in the expression of any moral virtue, and so this would include forgiveness. The late Louis Smedes in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, states the same thing. He said that we are all imperfect forgivers. Therefore, in our forgiveness journeys, we do not - [If I enter Forgiveness Therapy for my own good, to be relieved of ongoing anger and discouragement, is this selfish?  If it is selfish, will this hinder my progress in this kind of therapy?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/23/if-i-enter-forgiveness-therapy-for-my-own-good-to-be-relieved-of-ongoing-anger-and-discouragement-is-this-selfish-if-it-is-selfish-will-this-hinder-my-progress-in-this-kind-of-therapy/) - There are various goals or endpoints in the process of forgiving. For example, you might forgive for the sake of someone who has asked for forgiveness. You also might forgive simply because it is inherently good. Another reason for forgiveness is to alleviate your own anger or discouragement, which is not selfish; rather, it is - [What is the difference between “venting” one’s emotions to a counselor and discussing with the counselor the injustices I have suffered from others? I ask because “venting” is sometimes seen as intensifying emotions.  Will discussing the unfairness intensify my emotions?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/23/what-is-the-difference-between-venting-ones-emotions-to-a-counselor-and-discussing-with-the-counselor-the-injustices-i-have-suffered-from-others-i-ask-because-vent/) - To vent is to express intense emotions. When you discuss, you are not necessarily and deliberately showing intense emotions such as anger or disgust. Your discussions can take the form of rational thought, careful expression of that thought, and controlled behavior. The venting sometimes is called “catharsis,” which at first can lead to a feeling - [When I went to seek help from a therapist for my anxiety, he tended to focus on my current symptoms and what triggers the anxiety in the here and now.  What do you think of this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/22/when-i-went-to-seek-help-from-a-therapist-for-my-anxiety-he-tended-to-focus-on-my-current-symptoms-and-what-triggers-the-anxiety-in-the-here-and-now-what-do-you-think-of-this/) - For some clients, the anxiety, in fact, is triggered by current situations that are causing stress. Yet, it is worth exploring whether or not there are injustices in your past that have made you angry and perhaps mistrustful. If this is the case, then your forgiving the people who were unfair to you may be - [If people never behaved with toxic or unhealthy anger, would forgiveness even be necessary?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/22/if-people-never-behaved-with-toxic-or-unhealthy-anger-would-forgiveness-even-be-necessary/) - Research has demonstrated the psychological advantages of forgiving others, but this is not the only reason people do it. Like justice, love, and respect, forgiveness is a moral virtue, making it good in and of itself. Forgiveness can exist in your life and the lives of others as long as it is based on demonstrating - [Could you please describe to me what you mean by a “change of heart” toward someone who was cruel to me?  It seems unlikely that my heart will grow softer toward him, who does not deserve this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/21/could-you-please-describe-to-me-what-you-mean-by-a-change-of-heart-toward-someone-who-was-cruel-to-me-it-seems-unlikely-that-my-heart-will-grow-softer-toward-him-who-does-not/) - From the perspective of justice, the other person does not necessarily deserve your forgiveness. However, it is reasonable from the perspective of mercy to go beyond justice and treat this person kindly despite the unfair treatment you have received. Mercy transcends justice. Therefore, if you choose to be merciful toward this individual, your task is - [My sister was very unfair to me, and while I can sympathize with her, I find it difficult to put myself in her position and experience what it's like to be her.  Will I ever be able to have compassion toward her without my having empathy?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/21/my-sister-was-very-unfair-to-me-and-while-i-can-sympathize-with-her-i-find-it-difficult-to-put-myself-in-her-position-and-experience-what-its-like-to-be-her-will-i-ever-be-able-to-have-comp/) - Not having empathy right now toward your sister does not imply you can't do it in the future. Yes, empathy can open the door to compassion. Sympathy, or feeling sorry for her, also may be one of the doors to your eventual development of compassion. Yet, as you are seeing, empathy is the deeper, even - [You talk about being committed to the forgiveness process in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice (2019).  I now am wondering how I can stay committed to the process of forgiveness when there still is residual hurt, and I just want to move on and forget about it.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/20/you-talk-about-being-committed-to-the-forgiveness-process-in-the-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-2019-i-now-am-wondering-how-i-can-stay-committed-to-the-process-of-forgiveness-when-there-still-i/) - When people forgive, it does not always mean that all anger is eliminated. The anger can lessen and this is of vital importance especially if the anger initially was intense and enduring. As you forgive, even though some anger might remain, you then are in control of the anger rather than having the anger control - [Could pride prevent us from being forgiving? To put it another way, pride might make people firmly stand their ground and tell themselves, "I will never forgive unless the other person apologizes!"](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/20/could-pride-prevent-us-from-being-forgiving-to-put-it-another-way-pride-might-make-people-firmly-stand-their-ground-and-tell-themselves-i-will-never-forgive-unless-the-other-person-apologizes/) - Yes, I do believe that pride can occasionally result in such a statement. However, we must exercise caution because some cultures and religions require an apology before a person would forgive. The individual who needs the apology may find it helpful to consider the following questions if pride is impeding the process of forgiveness: "Are - [Forgiveness strikes me as illegitimate.  Here I am angry with a person, and so I start acting toward him as if all is well.  That seems phony to me.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/19/forgiveness-strikes-me-as-illegitimate-here-i-am-angry-with-a-person-and-so-i-start-acting-toward-him-as-if-all-is-well-that-seems-phony-to-me/) - You are misunderstanding what forgiveness is. It is not about only actions toward the person at whom you are angry. Forgiveness is a more holistic moral virtue than this in that it includes a transformation toward more positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward that person. When you act in a forgiving way, the more holistic - [I am a teacher, and my school is becoming interested in starting forgiveness education from kindergarten through grade 5.  We have what are called restorative programs and so I am wondering what is the link between learning to forgive and practicing restorative justice.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/19/i-am-a-teacher-and-my-school-is-becoming-interested-in-starting-forgiveness-education-from-kindergarten-through-grade-5-we-have-what-are-called-restorative-programs-and-so-i-am-wondering-what/) - Restorative practices tend to focus on dialogue, particularly dialogue in circles. This is a more behavioral approach than forgiveness, which focuses on what I call “the heart.” In other words, people who are angry with each other can dialogue civilly while in the circle, but if the heart is not healed of resentment, that anger - [Why do you think some people forgive easily while most of us have to struggle with the process?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/18/why-do-you-think-some-people-forgive-easily-while-most-of-us-have-to-struggle-with-the-process/) - The philosopher Aristotle reminded us that as people practice any moral virtue, then they become more developmentally advanced in it. Therefore, as people tend to practice forgiveness more regularly, they are ready to forgive the next time injustices emerge. Yet, we need to keep in mind that even the well-practiced people can struggle to forgive - [I would like to explore self-forgiveness.  Do you have a recommended reading for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/02/18/i-would-like-to-explore-self-forgiveness-do-you-have-a-recommended-reading-for-me/) - I recommend my book 8 Keys to Forgiveness (2015) published by Norton and available on amazon.com. One of the 8 keys is self-forgiveness. The chapter discusses the controversies about forgiving the self and how to go about engaging in self-forgiveness. - [Thank you for your recent reply to my question about dictionary “definitions” of forgiveness.  I put that word in quotation marks because, from your thoughtful response, I don’t think they are definitions of forgiveness at all.  Here is another question I have: I then consulted a thesaurus for the word forgave.  The website said that the “strongest matches” are the words condone and excuse.  I now am wondering what your response is to this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/30/thank-you-for-your-recent-reply-to-my-question-about-dictionary-definitions-of-forgiveness-i-put-that-word-in-quotation-marks-because-from-your-thoughtful-response-i-don/) - Thank you for your follow-up question. Actually, to condone or excuse are distortions of what the word “forgave” means. When we forgive other people, we focus on them as persons and not on the unjust actions themselves. In other words, as we forgive, we do not say that what happened is all right or acceptable - [What does it mean to have a change of heart toward the one who offended me?  Can I just will this and, presto, I am changed?  Does it take a while, and if so, what is the endpoint to which I am striving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/31/what-does-it-mean-to-have-a-change-of-heart-toward-the-one-who-offended-me-can-i-just-will-this-and-presto-i-am-changed-does-it-take-a-while-and-if-so-what-is-the-endpoint-to-which-i/) - A change of heart is a qualitatively new set of feelings and thoughts toward the one who offended you. This usually is not some kind of instantaneous willed change but instead can take time. The change of heart usually includes a slow transformation of anger to reduced anger, to a softened heart, which can include - [I recently consulted three different dictionaries on the definition of the word “forgive.” The themes were reducing resentment, ceasing to blame, and absolving a debt. Do you agree with these definitions of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/29/i-recently-consulted-three-different-dictionaries-on-the-definition-of-the-word-forgive-the-themes-were-reducing-resentment-ceasing-to-blame-and-absolving-a-debt-do-you-agree-wit/) - No, actually, I do not. Regarding “reducing resentment,” people can reduce resentment because they think the other person is not worth the effort or maybe is not quite human. In other words, in condemning the other, the one who supposedly “forgives” feels better, but there is no sense of moral virtue in such responses. Regarding - [I occasionally begin the process of forgiving someone but then decide I'm not ready to continue. Is this acceptable? If I tell the other person that I will attempt to forgive him, I almost feel compelled to continue. I dislike being coerced into doing something as intimate as forgiving someone.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/28/i-occasionally-begin-the-process-of-forgiving-someone-but-then-decide-im-not-ready-to-continue-is-this-acceptable-if-i-tell-the-other-person-that-i-will-attempt-to-forgive-him-i-almost-feel-compe/) - I want to gently challenge your assumption. Just because you have decided to stop forgiving for the time being does not mean you are not actively involved in the forgiveness process. We occasionally take much-needed pauses as a result of that process. Since forgiveness takes effort, please take a guilt-free break when you need it. - [Forgiveness involves change, but I find change to be scary.  I don’t understand my own situation, that change is scary for me.  What insights can you provide for me as I walk the path of forgiveness......and find it somewhat fearful?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/27/forgiveness-involves-change-but-i-find-change-to-be-scary-i-dont-understand-my-own-situation-that-change-is-scary-for-me-what-insights-can-you-provide-for-me-as-i-walk-the-pat/) - For some people, keeping the status quo is comforting because it is predictable. Change, in contrast, is not necessarily predictable. We are not sure what our own inner world will be like if and when we forgive. We are not sure what our relationship will be like with the one who is forgiven. Yet, if - [How do I stay committed to the forgiveness journey when I still have anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/26/how-do-i-stay-committed-to-the-forgiveness-journey-when-i-still-have-anger/) - Anger can endure for a long time even when we forgive. Yet, as we engage in forgiveness, the anger can lessen. As one person so wisely explained to me,” I still have some anger toward the one who hurt me. Yet, now I am in control of my anger. In the past, my anger controlled - [How does forgiveness differ from tolerance?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/25/how-does-forgiveness-differ-from-tolerance/) - When we tolerate, we exercise patience so that we do not respond negatively to others who might be annoying us with insensitive behavior or disagreeing with us on an important topic. While this is good because it prevents anger from spilling over to the other, it does not go as far as forgiveness, which on - [Is it all right for me to forgive with the primary intention of feeling better?  With this self-centeredness hinder my forgiving in the future?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/24/is-it-all-right-for-me-to-forgive-with-the-primary-intention-of-feeling-better-with-this-self-centeredness-hinder-my-forgiving-in-the-future/) - There is a difference between being self-centered and being selfish. If you hurt your knee while running, is it selfish to seek medical help? I don’t think so. It is self-care to go to the sports medicine clinic for treatment. I want you to see that self-care is not the same as selfishness. As a - [We have one family member who is way too challenging, and everyone is mad at him.  I have forgiven him and have stated that to the other family members.  Now I have a new problem.  My other family members are upset with me because I have forgiven. “How can you do this, given what he has done?” is a typical statement directed at me.  I wonder what you think about this and how I should respond.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/23/we-have-one-family-member-who-is-way-too-challenging-and-everyone-is-mad-at-him-i-have-forgiven-him-and-have-stated-that-to-the-other-family-members-now-i-have-a-new-problem-my-o/) - In my experience, if a person has a particular attitude about forgiveness, then this person can get upset when others have a different attitude. This can include people getting upset at forgivers or, in contrast, getting upset at those who will not forgive. In your case, others do not want to forgive, and you do. - [From a rational standpoint, I am aware that everyone is deserving of forgiveness. However, I occasionally feel badly about forgiving someone, especially if I think he doesn’t deserve it. I simply can't get rid of the feeling that he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. In other words, it is too simple to justify this by claiming that everyone deserves forgiveness. In my heart, the guilt upon forgiving annoys me. What would you recommend?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/22/from-a-rational-standpoint-i-am-aware-that-everyone-is-deserving-of-forgiveness-however-i-occasionally-feel-badly-about-forgiving-someone-especially-if-i-think-he-doesnt-deserve-it-i-sim/) - Let us distinguish between two crucial interpretations of the word “deserve.” That word has two meanings: a broad meaning and a narrow one. Let's start by concentrating on the general idea. By using the term "deserve," you may be implying that because all people are unique, valuable, and irreplaceable, they all "deserve" to be treated - [At what point is forgiveness necessary? In other words, I can let a lot of injustices go as I move on or forget about them. So, how can I tell when to begin forgiving rather than simply letting things go? And when is it better to act—to defend your rights—than to extend forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/21/at-what-point-is-forgiveness-necessary-in-other-words-i-can-let-a-lot-of-injustices-go-as-i-move-on-or-forget-about-them-so-how-can-i-tell-when-to-begin-forgiving-rather-than-simply-letting-things/) - The word “necessary” has at least two meanings when you question, “At what point is forgiveness necessary?" The first connotation focuses on the need to cultivate forgiveness because it is morally right to do so. The term “necessary” has a second meaning that is focused on your health and well-being. Let's begin with the first - [My husband had an affair.  Because we have three children, I do not want to divorce him.  In fact, I do think I have reconciled with him.  Yet, I sometimes feel consumed with anger toward the woman.  I have begun reading your book, The Forgiving Life.  What pointers do you have for me as I work through this book so that I can get the best out of it?  I am highly motivated to try forgiving.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/20/my-husband-had-an-affair-because-we-have-three-children-i-do-not-want-to-divorce-him-in-fact-i-do-think-i-have-reconciled-with-him-yet-i-sometimes-feel-consumed-with-anger-towa/) - Given your strong desire to forgive and move on, there is a considerable chance that you will do so. You most definitely possess the will to forgive, which is a necessary component of the healing process. Regarding my book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 10, The Forgiveness Pathway, contains the exercises for forgiving an individual. The - [What was your forgiveness treatment manual for your experiment in the men’s maximum-security correctional institution?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/19/what-was-your-forgiveness-treatment-manual-for-your-experiment-in-the-mens-maximum-security-correctional-institution/) - We used the self-help book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness (Enright, 2015) by Norton. - [I heard a lecture by an advocate of forgiveness interventions in which he claimed that helping prisoners to forgive could help them.  Is this some kind of joke?  These people are in prison because of their harm to others.  Why should we then help them to forgive others after all the chaos they have caused?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/18/i-heard-a-lecture-by-an-advocate-of-forgiveness-interventions-in-which-he-claimed-that-helping-prisoners-to-forgive-could-help-them-is-this-some-kind-of-joke-these-people-are-in-prison-b/) - We did a study with men in a maximum-security correctional institution, and about 90% of them suffered from serious injustices against them when they were young. This is not at all to excuse their crimes because we all have many free-will options when we are very angry. Yet, we hypothesized that if we can reduce - [It seems to me that forgiveness could work effectively when people are mildly hurt by others, but it would not work when there is deep trauma. Can you convince me that forgiveness actually is effective for trauma survivors?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/17/it-seems-to-me-that-forgiveness-could-work-effectively-when-people-are-mildly-hurt-by-others-but-it-would-not-work-when-there-is-deep-trauma-can-you-convince-me-that-forgiveness-actually-is-effectiv/) - We have many experimental and control group clinical trials with trauma survivors showing that they can forgive and with excellent mental health benefits. As just one example, the study by Freedman and Enright (1996) with incest survivors showed that all 12 of the female victims of sexual abuse by a father or father figure led - [How did you come up with the Process Model of Forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/16/how-did-you-come-up-with-the-process-model-of-forgiveness/) - Our little group read case study descriptions of forgiveness and consulted with people who said they had forgiven. We asked them for feedback on their forgiveness journeys. The Process Model underwent some revisions as we continued to talk with people and to work with some on their forgiveness. Eventually, our final version of the Process - [Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it seems that we are obligated in families and societies to offer our forgiving whenever we are treated unjustly by others.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/15/because-forgiveness-is-a-moral-virtue-it-seems-that-we-are-obligated-in-families-and-societies-to-offer-our-forgiving-whenever-we-are-treated-unjustly-by-others-what-do-you-think/) - Philosophers make a distinction between obligatory moral virtues and those that are deemed as supererogatory, which are not required in societies. As an example of an obligatory moral virtue, justice must be observed when driving a car. If you decide to run a red light while driving your car, you could get a ticket because - [Forgiving Infidelity Is Not Easy](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/17/forgiving-infidelity-is-not-easy/) - In another recent post (December 17, 2024) on infidelity within a committed relationship, this time on chafai (https://chatfai.com/notes/she-forgave-him-18uvta), Hilary hahn (the last name is not capitalized in the post) goes back and forth on the theme of forgiveness. In her case, the emotional wounds still are very fresh because, in her words, “It’s been a - [Forgiving Infidelity in a Marriage](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/14/forgiving-infidelity-in-a-marriage/) - In an August 12, 2024, post on MentalHealth.com, Dana Vince reports on a married couple, Toby and Shannon, who overcame a year-long affair that Toby had with an ex-girlfriend from college. What helped was for each of them to see the weaknesses that each brought to that year. For Toby, he opened up about a - [Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2025/01/13/questioning-the-ubiquitous-statement-forgiveness-is-what-you-do-for-yourself-not-for-the-other/) - In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above. More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly. Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self - [Because forgiveness is a heroic virtue, as you say, is this a solid rationale, do you think, for forgiveness education for children?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/23/because-forgiveness-is-a-heroic-virtue-as-you-say-is-this-a-solid-rationale-do-you-think-for-forgiveness-education-for-children/) - Yes, I do think so. It seems to me that we need to start forgiveness education early----to give children a chance to love through a wounded heart. Because forgiveness is a difficult virtue, to love those who are not being loving to you, students need practice and time to learn this. It should help them - [Would you please post for me your view, which I have read before, regarding why you say that forgiving others is a heroic virtue?  Thank you in advance for this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/23/would-you-please-post-for-me-your-view-which-i-have-read-before-regarding-why-you-say-that-forgiving-others-is-a-heroic-virtue-thank-you-in-advance-for-this/) - What other virtue can you name that asks you to learn to love those who have been unjust to you? There is none other than.....forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is such a heroic virtue. It asks more of you than any of the other virtues, such as romantic love or the natural love for a - [I am a school psychologist who works with students who bully.  What advice would you have for professionals such as myself who work in this kind of context?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/23/i-am-a-school-psychologist-who-works-with-students-who-bully-what-advice-would-you-have-for-professionals-such-as-myself-who-work-in-this-kind-of-context/) - I have this advice: School counselors, psychologists, and social workers, please take note: When you have in front of you a student who is entrenched in rebellion, in verbal aggression, in indifference to school itself, please presume that this person of inherent worth has a wounded heart. Consider taking the time to help this student - [I just do not have the confidence to forgive one of my parents from issues of long ago. I keep telling myself that I will not be able to get it done. What can you suggest to me that might boost my confidence?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/23/i-just-do-not-have-the-confidence-to-forgive-one-of-my-parents-from-issues-of-long-ago-i-keep-telling-myself-that-i-will-not-be-able-to-get-it-done-what-can-you-suggest-to-me-that-might-boost-my-con-4/) - First, I suggest that you look back on your life to concrete examples of your forgiving others. Have you had at least one successful forgiveness attempt in your past? If so, you have shown yourself that you can forgive. Even if you have never forgiven someone, you can start now with someone who is easier - [I thought I had completely forgiven my “ex” and last night I had a dream that reawakened all of my anger. I had forgiven, maybe, a year ago. Now here I am again fuming. Do you have a suggestion for me to really get over this and forgive permanently?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/22/i-thought-i-had-completely-forgiven-my-ex-and-last-night-i-had-a-dream-that-reawakened-all-of-my-anger-i-had-forgiven-maybe-a-year-ago-now-here-i-am-again-fuming-do-you-have-a-s/) - We have to realize that forgiveness, as Lewis Smedes said, is an imperfect enterprise for imperfect people. It is common to have forgiven and then to be triggered by something unexpected, whether it is a dream or unexpectedly meeting the person, as examples. Because you already know the path of forgiveness, I recommend that you - [What is the difference between being open to one’s anger and venting that anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/22/what-is-the-difference-between-being-open-to-ones-anger-and-venting-that-anger/) - When we are open to the depth of our anger, we are not acting out the anger. We are looking at it as honestly as possible so we can make the informed decision regarding how to reduce it. When we vent, we are acting on the emotion of anger, which can include intense language and - [What is the general effect of, as you say, “diminishing of the resentment in the client’s heart”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/22/what-is-the-general-effect-of-as-you-say-diminishing-of-the-resentment-in-the-clients-heart/) - Our research shows that as the resentment lessens, as shown in our forgiveness scale (assessing the degree to which a person reduces negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, all of which point to different dimensions of resentment, and increases positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the one who behaved unjustly), there is a concomitant decrease in - [What is the difference between using insight in therapy and forgiveness therapy?  For example, Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic approach is to make that which is unconscious now conscious. I know there is more to psychoanalysis than this, but it is a core issue in that kind of mental health treatment.  How does forgiveness therapy differ from making that which is unconscious now conscious?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/21/what-is-the-difference-between-using-insight-in-therapy-and-forgiveness-therapy-for-example-sigmund-freuds-psychoanalytic-approach-is-to-make-that-which-is-unconscious-now-conscious/) - Forgiveness therapy in the Uncovering Phase of this approach does try to bring to consciousness the effects of unjust treatment onto the person’s physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual well-being. Once the negative effects of the unjust treatment are uncovered (made conscious), the point is not to leave the treatment there but now to shift - [Can you point me to one example from your studies in which anger diminished and stayed that way for many months following forgiveness therapy?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/21/can-you-point-me-to-one-example-from-your-studies-in-which-anger-diminished-and-stayed-that-way-for-many-months-following-forgiveness-therapy/) - Yes, here is a reference to a research study that we did with men in a maximum-security correctional context. All of them were clinically angry at the pretest. At post-test, six months later, they went to normal levels of anger. At the six-month follow-up (six months after the post-test), they still were at the normal - [One of my colleagues said this about relaxation training: “It is only the tip of the iceberg.”  In other words, there is a lot more to anger reduction than relaxed muscles.  Why do you think this is the case?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/21/one-of-my-colleagues-said-this-about-relaxation-training-it-is-only-the-tip-of-the-iceberg-in-other-words-there-is-a-lot-more-to-anger-reduction-than-relaxed-muscles/) - I think this is the case because, once the client gets up off the couch from relaxing, there is a tendency for the anger to re-emerge in the heart. This is the case because the injustice is still a focus for the client, and that focus tends to have the anger come back after the - [What is the difference between forgiveness therapy and a more traditional approach that focuses on the control of one’s anger, such as through relaxation training or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in which anger is controlled by how one thinks about a challenging situation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/20/what-is-the-difference-between-forgiveness-therapy-and-a-more-traditional-approach-that-focuses-on-the-control-of-ones-anger-such-as-through-relaxation-training-or-cognitive-behavioral-thera/) - Traditional approaches to treating anger focus specifically on the symptom of anger itself. You can see this clearly in the relaxation method. The person relaxes muscles so that the physical tightness and the feeling of anger can lessen. In forgiveness therapy, the focus is not on the symptom of anger. Instead, it is on the - [I have just one more question, my seventh follow-up question:  Suppose I forgive unconditionally, without an apology from the other person.  Does that render my forgiving incomplete?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/20/i-have-just-one-more-question-my-seventh-follow-up-question-suppose-i-forgive-unconditionally-without-an-apology-from-the-other-person-does-that-render-my-forgiving-incomplete/) - No, it does not. Why? It is because you have done the best that you can. Your engaging in the moral virtue of forgiveness is not flawed if the other refuses your great generosity. I actually have an essay on the Psychology Today website addressing this very issue. Here is a link to that essay: - [Here is my sixth follow-up question:  You make a good point about whether the religious system demands or encourages the withholding of forgiving before the other repents.  I looked into this and it seems that it is an encouragement.  Is that all right, do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/20/here-is-my-sixth-follow-up-question-you-make-a-good-point-about-whether-the-religious-system-demands-or-encourages-the-withholding-of-forgiving-before-the-other-repents-i-looked-into-thi/) - I am not in a position to pass judgement on the religious system, especially given that I do not know the history of it or the nuances behind this encouragement. So, for now, it is best if I do not offer an opinion because it would be given out of my own ignorance of the - [Here is my fifth follow-up question: I know some people, whose religious beliefs encourage the withholding of forgiving until the other repents.  Again, this is for the good of the one who acted unjustly.  Does this mean that the religious system is wrong?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/19/here-is-my-fifth-follow-up-question-i-know-some-people-whose-religious-beliefs-encourage-the-withholding-of-forgiving-until-the-other-repents-again-this-is-for-the-good-of-the-one-who-acted/) - No, it does not imply that the religious system is wrong primarily because of the good intentions of this request. It is not clear to me whether this religious system demands the withholding of the forgiving until the other repents or whether the system encourages it for the good of all involved. Which is it? - [Here is my fourth follow-up question: I think you just confirmed my original issue.  Isn’t this focus on one’s own resentment selfish?  After all, it is about oneself and not about the other person.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/19/here-is-my-fourth-follow-up-question-i-think-you-just-confirmed-my-original-issue-isnt-this-focus-on-ones-own-resentment-selfish-after-all-it-is-about-oneself-and-not/) - There is a large difference between selfishness and self-care. If a person has an injured jaw from being hit by another person, is it selfish to go for medical help for the jaw? No. This is self-care. A person who engages in the self-care for healing from resentment actually helps other people, too, because then - [Here is my third follow-up question: I have given you one major advantage for withholding my forgiving (It may help the offending person to realize his wrongdoing).  Can you give me one good reason for unconditional forgiving, without the other’s apology?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/19/here-is-my-third-follow-up-question-i-have-given-you-one-major-advantage-for-withholding-my-forgiving-it-may-help-the-offending-person-to-realize-his-wrongdoing-can-you-give-me-one-good-reas/) - Yes, here is one good reason: If you have deep resentment over what happened, you can start to release that resentment by forgiving. If you don’t forgive, or feel as though you should not forgive, then you may be trapped with this deep anger (resentment) that could last for the rest of your life. Forgiving - [Here is my second follow-up question:  Yet, doesn’t my withholding of forgiveness make it more likely that he will repent and change?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/18/here-is-my-second-follow-up-question-yet-doesnt-my-withholding-of-forgiveness-make-it-more-likely-that-he-will-repent-and-change/) - Your waiting for his apology will not necessarily lead to his repentance. For example, some people think they did nothing wrong and that you are overreacting. In other words, they are in denial. When this is the case, then withholding your forgiveness will not matter to the person. - [Here is my first follow-up question: Isn’t it the case that if a forgiver withholds the forgiving until the other apologizes, then this gets the offender’s attention and therefore, he might examine his conscience sooner and deeper, ask for an apology, and change?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/18/here-is-my-first-follow-up-question-isnt-it-the-case-that-if-a-forgiver-withholds-the-forgiving-until-the-other-apologizes-then-this-gets-the-offenders-attention-and-therefore-he/) - There is no guarantee that the other will change whether you withhold forgiveness or grant it unconditionally prior to his apology. - [I would like to have a little debate with you on the issue of forgiving and apology from the offending person.  My first question is this: Isn’t it selfish to forgive before the other apologizes?  I say this because it seems that the forgiving then is all about the self to feel better rather than about a concern for the well-being of the one who is acting badly.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/18/i-would-like-to-have-a-little-debate-with-you-on-the-issue-of-forgiving-and-apology-from-the-offending-person-my-first-question-is-this-isnt-it-selfish-to-forgive-before-the-other-apo/) - There can be a number of motives for forgiving prior to the other person’s apology. Yes, one motive might be for the one who forgives to feel better. Here is another motive: to reduce anger so that civil dialogue can start between the two people. Here is another: Someone might forgive so that anger is - [Helping Abused Adolescents, Who Are in Corrections, to Forgive](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/12/18/helping-abused-adolescents-who-are-in-corrections-to-forgive/) - Drs. Wongeun Ji and Robert Enright this month had a research study published in the Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody, and Child Development. The study highlights the importance of being aware of the traumas suffered by these young people prior to their crimes, arrest, conviction, and imprisonment. It also highlights the effectiveness of a - [Three Interviews by the Media in November 2024](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/26/three-interviews-by-the-media-in-november-2024/) - Dr. Enright had three media interviews this month with the following media outlets: Interview with Yowei Shaw and “Erin,” PROXY podcast by Apple, on the themes of betrayal and forgiveness, November 19, 2024. Interview with Makai Allbert, reporter for the international newspaper, The Epoch Times, on the themes of resentment and forgiveness, November 18, 2024. - [Forgiveness as Part of Pre-Marital Preparation](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/26/forgiveness-as-part-of-pre-marital-preparation/) - On November 19, 2024, Dr. Enright posted an essay on the Psychology Today website with a focus on forgiveness being a part of pre-marital preparation. Too often, this issue of learning about forgiving one another in the future, once married, is not given sufficient attention. The essay suggests the following points: Examine the injustices suffered - [What if a person is not sure if what happened to him is a true injustice?  For example, a co-worker yelled at me.  Yet, I have to admit that I was over-bearing in what I was asking regarding a particular work task.  I am not sure if maybe I deserved the yelling, in which case perhaps it was not an injustice at all requiring my forgiveness.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/30/what-if-a-person-is-not-sure-if-what-happened-to-him-is-a-true-injustice-for-example-a-co-worker-yelled-at-me-yet-i-have-to-admit-that-i-was-over-bearing-in-what-i-was-asking-regarding/) - It seems that both of you could benefit from forgiving each other, if you choose to do so. You may have been unjust in being “over-bearing.” The other person had many choices with which to respond, and yelling was only one such possible response. The yelling, which could be interpreted as a lack of - [A friend recently made the claim that people-pleasers are the best forgivers because they want others to praise them for their magnanimous overture of forgiveness.  Does this make sense, or is there a flaw in this thinking?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/30/a-friend-recently-made-the-claim-that-people-pleasers-are-the-best-forgivers-because-they-want-others-to-praise-them-for-their-magnanimous-overture-of-forgiveness-does-this-make-sense-or-is-th/) - I think, as you say, that there is a flaw in this reasoning because forgiveness is to will the good of the other person. The focus of genuine forgiveness is on the one who acted unjustly and not on the self to get the applause of others. - [It is hard for me to forgive when I think about the issue of a lack of gratitude from the one receiving my forgiveness.  In other words, why bother if the other is indifferent to my forgiveness efforts?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/29/it-is-hard-for-me-to-forgive-when-i-think-about-the-issue-of-a-lack-of-gratitude-from-the-one-receiving-my-forgiveness-in-other-words-why-bother-if-the-other-is-indifferent-to-my-forgiveness-e/) - A person who seems indifferent toward your forgiveness efforts may have a change of heart about this in the future. Even if the person never changes from indifference, please keep in mind that when you forgive, regardless of the other’s reaction, you get the benefit of emotional healing, of reduced resentment from the unjust treatment. - [I'm feeling ambivalent about forgiving a college classmate for something she did to me. I would like to know how much heartfelt commitment it takes for me to truly start to forgive.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/29/im-feeling-ambivalent-about-forgiving-a-college-classmate-for-something-she-did-to-me-i-would-like-to-know-how-much-heartfelt-commitment-it-takes-for-me-to-truly-start-to-forgive/) - As you can see, your level of forgiveness commitment can range from quite low to very high. This may also change over time. Here is a key issue for you: Are you prepared to make a commitment, even a small one, to do no harm to the person who wronged you? Do you have a clear understanding of what - [I am wondering if introducing a client in psychotherapy to the full definition of forgiveness may be counter-productive.  Here is what I mean:  If the mental health professional defines forgiving as reducing resentment (including thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) and then includes the giving of positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the offender, including agape love), might this be a big turn-off for a client?  In other words, the client’s hearing about being compassionate to the offender, being kind, caring, and loving may seem to be way too much. ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/28/i-am-wondering-if-introducing-a-client-in-psychotherapy-to-the-full-definition-of-forgiveness-may-be-counter-productive-here-is-what-i-mean-if-the-mental-health-professional-defines-forg/) - You raise a good point. Mental health professionals can avoid the “big turn-off” by clarifying that forgiveness is a process that takes time, and we do not reach the end goal right away. Further, the client needs to hear that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the ancient Greek philosopher reminded us and as Lewis - [I have heard the claim that a person can “forgive too much.”  I guess the criticism is that too much forgiving sets up the expectation by the other person that he can just keep being unfair and the forgiver will continue to be tolerant.  What do you think about this criticism of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/28/i-have-heard-the-claim-that-a-person-can-forgive-too-much-i-guess-the-criticism-is-that-too-much-forgiving-sets-up-the-expectation-by-the-other-person-that-he-can-just-keep-be/) - Is it possible to treat people too fairly? Is there a circumstance in which the administration of justice may be excessive? I don't believe so because moral virtues are all excellent, and practicing them is likewise good. I think this idea of “forgiving too much” actually is based on a false notion of what forgiveness - [If my reason for beginning the process of forgiveness is to feel better, without even a thought toward the one who hurt me, is this being selfish?  Will this kind of initial attitude in the forgiveness process hinder my progress in forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/27/if-my-reason-for-beginning-the-process-of-forgiveness-is-to-feel-better-without-even-a-thought-toward-the-one-who-hurt-me-is-this-being-selfish-will-this-kind-of-initial-attitude-in-the-forgi/) - Let us distinguish what forgiveness is and one’s motivation to forgive. What it is and why people forgive can be different, especially at the beginning of the forgiveness journey. In my experience, emotional pain is a strong motivator to forgive. This is self-interest rather than selfishness. As an analogy, if you suffer a knee injury - [In your Process Model of Forgiveness, you talk about uncovering pain and even shame.  At the same time, you say that “venting” should be avoided.  So, what’s the difference between uncovering pain and venting?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/27/in-your-process-model-of-forgiveness-you-talk-about-uncovering-pain-and-even-shame-at-the-same-time-you-say-that-venting-should-be-avoided-so-whats-the-diff/) - In the book Forgiveness Is a Choice, I talked about venting as excessive anger that is intense and even long-lasting. Uncovering pain is different in that the point is to see the inner anger, frustration, fatigue, and discouragement without having a temper tantrum over it. Venting, in the sense meant here, is excessive anger, which - [Okay, I admit it.  I am stuck.  As much as I try to forgive one of my parents from childhood, I just can’t make any progress.  In terms of negative affect, I remain angry and this is not shifting.  In terms of positive affect, I have no positive feelings.  So, now what?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/26/okay-i-admit-it-i-am-stuck-as-much-as-i-try-to-forgive-one-of-my-parents-from-childhood-i-just-cant-make-any-progress-in-terms-of-negative-affect-i-remain-angry-and-th/) - Sometimes, when people are having trouble forgiving someone, I recommend that they try the forgiveness process first with a different person toward whom they do not hold as much resentment. This practice can prepare forgivers for the other person toward whom they hold the deeper resentment. As Aristotle taught us from ancient history, as we - [I have ordered and received your free anti-bullying guide for schools.  Thank you for writing this and for giving it away at no cost to schools.  I now want to approach my school principal to recommend that we use this in our school counseling programme.  Do you have a short summary of the importance of using forgiveness as part of the anti-bully initiatives in schools that I could share with my principal?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/26/i-have-ordered-and-received-your-free-anti-bullying-guide-for-schools-thank-you-for-writing-this-and-for-giving-it-away-at-no-cost-to-schools-i-now-want-to-approach-my-school-principal-t/) - Yes, I have written a short essay for the Psychology Today website. Psychology Today is a popular national magazine in the United States. Here is a link to that essay: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/201612/new-approach-school-bullying-eliminate-their-anger Please let me know if you have any further questions as you move forward with this. - [I have engaged in the exercises of your Process Model of Forgiveness, trying to see the woundedness in the one who hurt me.  Yet, I am still very angry.  I want to be nasty to this person so I can get even. What advice do you have for me on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/25/i-have-engaged-in-the-exercises-of-your-process-model-of-forgiveness-trying-to-see-the-woundedness-in-the-one-who-hurt-me-yet-i-am-still-very-angry-i-want-to-be-nasty-to-this-person-so/) - One homework assignment that we give to those who are in the process of forgiveness is to “do no harm” to the offending person. In other words, you make a commitment to yourself not to retaliate, even with words, so that the other person and you do not keep passing the pain back and forth. - [When she hurt me over and over......and over, it is difficult to see her emotional wounds. I get angry and depressed when I attempt to look at her wounds because of all the time that was lost and the pain that was caused. I do see some movement in myself in the forgiveness process in that the anger is going down, but not deeply or fast enough for me.  Will I be able to get past this and find relief from forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/25/when-she-hurt-me-over-and-over-and-over-it-is-difficult-to-see-her-emotional-wounds-i-get-angry-and-depressed-when-i-attempt-to-look-at-her-wounds-because-of-all-the-time-that-was-lost-and-the/) - Yes, I think that if you have a strong will, you will overcome this. As you say, you are making progress even if it is slow. I recommend that you not give up, even if it means fighting for your healing and enduring with a lot of patience. Don't have high expectations too soon. The - [Forgiveness Gives Light](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/25/forgiveness-gives-light/) - I was surprised this past summer when I read negative commentaries about forgiveness coming from major media outlets. As I argued on August 21, 2024 within this blog site, those criticizing forgiveness were misunderstanding what it is, confusing it, for example, with automatic reconciliation or being pressured into it as a norm that makes people - [To be honest with you, I am kind of skeptical about practicing empathy toward the person who was deeply unfair to me.  Here is what I mean: If I see his emotional struggles, his confusion, and his pain, I may begin to say to myself, “Oh well, under this circumstance, I can let the circumstance go and just forget about it.”  Empathy, in other words, lets the other person off the hook.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/23/to-be-honest-with-you-i-am-kind-of-skeptical-about-practicing-empathy-toward-the-person-who-was-deeply-unfair-to-me-here-is-what-i-mean-if-i-see-his-emotional-struggles-his-confusion-and-hi/) - When we forgive, we start with this assumption: What the other person did to me was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair. Our forgiveness of the other does not excuse what was done. We can be kinder to the person even though the actions were unjust and will remain so. This makes forgiveness - [When we forgive, does our anger characteristically go away completely?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/23/when-we-forgive-does-our-anger-characteristically-go-away-completely/) - The answer depends on the depth of the hurt and who hurt us. If we are profoundly hurt, for example, by a spouse who is supposed to be good to us, even when we forgive, some residual anger can remain. In this circumstance, you might consider persevering in forgiving even when you sense that you - [Forgiving seems kind of superficial to me.  No offense, but if I am asked to just quietly let the past stay in the past and move on, that seems hard to do when I want to get the person who hurt me to change.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/22/forgiving-seems-kind-of-superficial-to-me-no-offense-but-if-i-am-asked-to-just-quietly-let-the-past-stay-in-the-past-and-move-on-that-seems-hard-to-do-when-i-want-to-get-the-person-who-hurt-m/) - Forgiveness is not the same as moving on from the past. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue (as are justice, kindness, and patience), is doing one’s best to be good to those who have not been good to us. The focus is on the person, not the event of injustice itself. As we begin to see - [My mother was quite abusive when I was growing up.  She hurt me very much.  I am trying to forgive her, but it really is hard because mothers are supposed to nurture us, not abuse us.  Do you have any advice for me in this difficult situation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/22/my-mother-was-quite-abusive-when-i-was-growing-up-she-hurt-me-very-much-i-am-trying-to-forgive-her-but-it-really-is-hard-because-mothers-are-supposed-to-nurture-us-not-abuse-us/) - Yes, I have an essay on the Psychology Today website discussing healing and forgiving from “the mother wound.” You will see if you read it that you are not alone. Over 190,000 people viewed this post. Here it is: Aiding Daughters in Healing From the "Mother-Wound" - [I still think that my ex-husband has inherent worth as a person, but I cannot bring myself to forgiving him.  In other words, I do not want to enter back into a relationship with him.  So, how unforgiving am I?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/11/22/i-still-think-that-my-ex-husband-has-inherent-worth-as-a-person-but-i-cannot-bring-myself-to-forgiving-him-in-other-words-i-do-not-want-to-enter-back-into-a-relationship-with-him-so-h/) - Actually, I think you are confusing forgiving and reconciling. If you have good reasons for not entering back into a relationship with him, and if you cannot trust him, this is an issue of reconciliation. When two or more people come together again in mutual trust, this is reconciliation. When you begin to see the - [Dr. Enright is sharing the good news of forgiveness in interviews across the world!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/dr-enright-is-sharing-the-good-news-of-forgiveness-in-interviews-across-the-world/) - Since our most recent post in May on this IFI News page, Dr. Robert Enright has had the following media interviews concerning different aspects of forgiveness: Interview with Waldir Ochoa, ENTREVISTAS JIUMAN, Colombia, South America, on the topic of forgiveness, May 2, 2024. Live interview with Dr. Michael Aronoff, Sirius XM, Doctor Radio, on the - [IFI Researcher presents forgiveness intervention findings at recent New York conference](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/ifi-researcher-presents-forgiveness-intervention-findings-at-recent-new-york-conference/) - Dr. Nahlah Mandurah, who is a researcher at our International Forgiveness Institute, presented her forgiveness intervention research with post-divorced women in Saudi Arabia this October at the Association for Moral Education in New York: Mandurah, N. & Enright, R.D. (2024, October 24). The effectiveness of a forgiveness intervention as a post-divorce program in Saudi Arabia. - [On the Necessity for Forgiveness Education ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/on-the-necessity-for-forgiveness-education/) - When I first started to study forgiveness as a possible scientific topic, I was surprised to find no empirically-based publications on the topic of person-to-person forgiving. There were studies on apology and some non-empirical publications regarding forgiveness in therapy, but none examining forgiving with the use of statistics. In other words, psychological science, as supposedly - [I am discussing forgiveness with a friend. When we got to the point of “standing in the pain,” trouble started. My friend said this, “When I think of standing in the pain, it scares me. Won’t the pain crush me? After all, modern times and modern medicine have the goal of eliminating pain, not heaping it onto our shoulders.” How do I respond to this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/31/i-am-discussing-forgiveness-with-a-friend-when-we-got-to-the-point-of-standing-in-the-pain-trouble-started-my-friend-said-this-when-i-think-of-standing-in-the-pain-it-s/) - Your friend is missing the paradox of forgiving. As we stand in the pain, we stop running from it and meet it courageously. As we do so, we realize that we will not be overcome by the pain. It is here that standing in the pain actually helps to lessen that pain as the person - [I know you recommend stepping inside the offending person’s shoes, having empathy for this person, and understanding the struggles through which the person has gone from childhood to the present. When I do this, I feel as if I am feeling so sorry for this person that I want to say, “It’s ok.  What you did was not so bad.” ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/31/i-know-you-recommend-stepping-inside-the-offending-persons-shoes-having-empathy-for-this-person-and-understanding-the-struggles-through-which-the-person-has-gone-from-childhood-to-the-prese/) - To guard against excusing the person’s unjust actions, I recommend that you keep in your mind and heart the four issues that are not part of forgiving: When we forgive, we do not excuse the wrongdoing; When we forgive, we do not literally forget, but instead, we remember in new ways without the rancor building - [I don’t think that I have forgiven the one who abused me in childhood. The emotional wounds are deep. In working on your Process Model of Forgiveness, I have overcome my profound anger. I still have some anger, but it is manageable. What is bothering me is that I cannot seem to find any positive feelings for this person. Does this mean I have not forgiven yet?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/30/i-dont-think-that-i-have-forgiven-the-one-who-abused-me-in-childhood-the-emotional-wounds-are-deep-in-working-on-your-process-model-of-forgiveness-i-have-overcome-my-profound-anger-i-stil/) - Because you have overcome much of your deep anger toward the person, it seems to me that you have been successful so far in your forgiveness journey. Reducing anger to manageable levels is very important. Sometimes, people are so emotionally wounded that they do not have positive feelings or even positive thoughts about the other. - [When my brother and I got into an argument as kids, my parents would frequently ask us to shake hands and "just forgive" one another. The phrase "I forgive you" seemed to be the final step before going on to something else. Because of this, I now consider forgiveness to be a somewhat flimsy solution to issues. What should I do as a father right now, in your opinion, to prevent my kids from developing a shallow concept of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/30/when-my-brother-and-i-got-into-an-argument-as-kids-my-parents-would-frequently-ask-us-to-shake-hands-and-just-forgive-one-another-the-phrase-i-forgive-you-seemed-to-be-the-final-step-before/) - You are right when you say that the lessons we teach our children about forgiveness may have an impact on them well into adulthood. I'm not saying that there won't be further development in their understanding once they are in their adult years. Rather, what I mean is that beyond childhood, the impressions formed (whether - [At the start of our relationship, my girlfriend was quite abusive for a long period, emotionally, verbally, and once physically. I supported her through it and her difficult self-healing process. I was unaware that to stay with her, I had erected barriers of deep anger and self-preservation. I began to vent my anger on her, and I probably also emotionally abused her for several months. However, I've since come to terms with it and started going to counseling to deal with my resentment toward her. Although she has made the decision to end the relationship, I believe we can work things out. How can we both forgive one another and move on? I know our relationship can be repaired.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/29/at-the-start-of-our-relationship-my-girlfriend-was-quite-abusive-for-a-long-period-emotionally-verbally-and-once-physically-i-supported-her-through-it-and-her-difficult-self-healing-process-i-wa/) - It is difficult for me to learn about your partner's past without speaking with her. I have a suspicion that she was subjected to considerably unfair treatment in her past. She should consider first examining this and, if she is willing, extend forgiveness to those who were or continue to be unfair to her. Her trust appears to have - [Is it possible to have too much forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/29/is-it-possible-to-have-too-much-forgiveness/) - Like kindness, love, and justice, forgiveness is a moral virtue. Let's rephrase the question: Is it ever possible to have too much justice? No, is the response. How can someone have too much fairness? Is it possible to be too brave? Once more, the response is no. By partaking in one of the vices linked - [My final question 10 out of 10: Different people have different views of what forgiveness is. Let them have the freedom to believe as they wish. How does that sound to you?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/my-final-question-10-out-of-10-different-people-have-different-views-of-what-forgiveness-is-let-them-have-the-freedom-to-believe-as-they-wish-how-does-that-sound-to-you/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 9 of 10: Forgiveness might give the offending person an excuse to keep up with the unfairness. Therefore, forgiveness can be dangerous.  What is your view on this one?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-9-of-10-forgiveness-might-give-the-offending-person-an-excuse-to-keep-up-with-the-unfairness-therefore-forgiveness-can-be-dangerous-what-is-your-view-on-this-one/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 8 of 10: Forgiveness can be learned quickly.  I see very often on the Internet these kinds of titles: Forgiveness in 4 steps; Learn to Forgive in Six Easy Lessons.  Are these correct?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-8-of-10-forgiveness-can-be-learned-quickly-i-see-very-often-on-the-internet-these-kinds-of-titles-forgiveness-in-4-steps-learn-to-forgive-in-six-easy-lessons-are-these-corre/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 7 of 10: Forgiveness is not a moral virtue but a skill of learning to stop reacting with negative passions.  Is this correct?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-7-of-10-forgiveness-is-not-a-moral-virtue-but-a-skill-of-learning-to-stop-reacting-with-negative-passions-is-this-correct/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 6 of 10: A major part of forgiving is to learn to relax. Is this correct?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-6-of-10-a-major-part-of-forgiving-is-to-learn-to-relax-is-this-correct/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 5 of 10: If I am not ready to forgive, might forgiveness then be a pressure game where I feel forced to forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-5-of-10-if-i-am-not-ready-to-forgive-might-forgiveness-then-be-a-pressure-game-where-i-feel-forced-to-forgive/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 4 of 10: What’s the big deal about “dismissing the other person” if it helps me to feel better?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-4-of-10-whats-the-big-deal-about-dismissing-the-other-person-if-it-helps-me-to-feel-better/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 3 of 10: Is this correct?: Forgiveness is for you, not for the one who was unfair to you.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-3-of-10-is-this-correct-forgiveness-is-for-you-not-for-the-one-who-was-unfair-to-you/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 2 of 10: Is forgiveness “just moving on”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-2-of-10-is-forgiveness-just-moving-on/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [Question 1 of 10: Forgiveness basically is to stop being angry.  Is this correct?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/28/question-1-of-10-forgiveness-basically-is-to-stop-being-angry-is-this-correct/) - The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask - [How can educators empower students to solve conflict with forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/10/09/how-can-educators-empower-students-to-solve-conflict-with-forgiveness/) - Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a professor of human development and interpersonal forgiveness at the University of Northern Iowa and longtime team member of the IFI, recently gave an interview to an education website on how forgiveness can be helpful in conflict resolution among children and youth. Check out the story by clicking on this link! - [A Call for Corrections to Truly Engage in Correction for Those Imprisoned](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/25/a-call-for-corrections-to-truly-engage-in-correction-for-those-imprisoned/) - I must admit to being surprised by the reaction of so many administrators of correctional institutions. Here is what I mean. I know of three different groups, with many years of experience in the science of forgiveness, that recently have contacted corrections officials to request research programs to aid imprisoned people, who have been treated - [How long should I keep forgiving when my boyfriend never apologizes?  Do I just stop the process of forgiving until he shapes up?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/28/how-long-should-i-keep-forgiving-when-my-boyfriend-never-apologizes-do-i-just-stop-the-process-of-forgiving-until-he-shapes-up/) - Your forgiving is a free-will choice that can be offered unconditionally. In other words, you can forgive regardless of your boyfriend’s response. This, at least, will help you to become free of resentment caused by his unfair actions. You certainly can wait to reconcile until he shows remorse (inner sorrow) and repentance (words expressing his - [What do you think of starting a norm of forgiveness in businesses?  Colleagues can get angry with each other, creating a toxic environment in the workplace.  Do you think planting such a norm of forgiveness would be worthwhile in organizations?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/28/what-do-you-think-of-starting-a-norm-of-forgiveness-in-businesses-colleagues-can-get-angry-with-each-other-creating-a-toxic-environment-in-the-workplace-do-you-think-planting-such-a-nor/) - Yes, this is an important idea, and we have a research study showing the benefits of forgiveness within the workplace. Here is a reference to this article: Zhao, C., Enright, R.D., & Klatt, J. (2017). Forgiveness education in the workplace: A new strategy for the management of anger. London Journal of Research in Humanities and - [I am new to forgiveness. I am having trouble forgiving my spouse for a serious injustice. Help!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/28/i-am-new-to-forgiveness-i-am-having-trouble-forgiving-my-spouse-for-a-serious-injustice-help/) - You might try these two strategies first: a) start by forgiving someone else who has hurt you for a lesser offense. This will give you practice on the forgiveness pathway; b) then try forgiving your spouse for a lesser offense. With this kind of practice in forgiving, you are building up what I call your - [Suppose three other people walk into a bar.  The first person says, “I have tried and tried to love the one who hurt me, but I just cannot do it.”  The second one says, “I, too, have tried to love the one who hurt me, but all I can offer is respect, including respectful conversations.”  The third one says, “It took me a long time to develop a little love in my heart for the one who hurt me, but it is there.”  Would you say that only the third person is forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/27/suppose-three-other-people-walk-into-a-bar-the-first-person-says-i-have-tried-and-tried-to-love-the-one-who-hurt-me-but-i-just-cannot-do-it-the-second-one-says/) - No, I would not say that for this reason: To love (in the sense of agape or trying to help the other despite its challenges) is the Essence of what forgiveness is. We do not have to continually be on this high level to be forgiving. We can still hold this up as our goal, - [Suppose three philosophers walk into a bar.  One says, “Forgiveness is transcending the passions.”  The second one says, “Forgiveness is moving on without the injustice affecting the person.”  The third one says, “Forgiveness on its highest level is offering agape love to the one who acted unjustly.”  Who is to say which of these philosophers is correct?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/27/suppose-three-philosophers-walk-into-a-bar-one-says-forgiveness-is-transcending-the-passions-the-second-one-says-forgiveness-is-moving-on-without-the-injusti/) - I suggest that you can argue against the first two philosophers this way: First, if all we do is transcend the passions, what then keeps the forgiver from being neutral toward the other person, ignoring this person? This is a passive dismissal of the other and so this philosopher will have to re-define forgiveness away - [Can’t people move on without forgiving?  Must we insist on forgiveness after injustice?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/27/cant-people-move-on-without-forgiving-must-we-insist-on-forgiveness-after-injustice/) - Because forgiveness is a choice of the one offended, we have to be careful not to impose it on others. We can discuss what forgiveness is and show that it is a path to healing for oneself, possibly for the one who was unjust, and possibly for the relationship. Yet, it is the free-will decision - [If forgiveness, as you say, is for the other person who acted badly, what can we do to enlighten others about the true nature of forgiveness?  It seems to me that most people would fail a test if I asked, “What is forgiving on its highest level?”  When I do that, most say it is getting rid of anger or just moving on with one’s life.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/26/if-forgiveness-as-you-say-is-for-the-other-person-who-acted-badly-what-can-we-do-to-enlighten-others-about-the-true-nature-of-forgiveness-it-seems-to-me-that-most-people-would-fail-a-test-if/) - We need more opportunities to discuss forgiveness with people. I agree with you regarding the misunderstanding of what forgiveness is by many people. In my experience, people use the word “forgiveness,” but never delve deeply into its meaning. The self-help book, The Forgiving Life, discusses forgiving as love and might prove helpful in deepening the - [Some philosophies emphasize the overcoming of the passions.  So, for example, if I go from anger to a neutral emotional stance, then I have conquered the emotion of anger, and it will not hurt me.  How is forgiveness different from this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/26/some-philosophies-emphasize-the-overcoming-of-the-passions-so-for-example-if-i-go-from-anger-to-a-neutral-emotional-stance-then-i-have-conquered-the-emotion-of-anger-and-it-will-not-hurt-me/) - Forgiveness, while also focusing on the diminishing of anger, does so for a very different reason than what you describe above. In genuine forgiveness, the forgiver reduces anger for the sake of the one who acted unjustly so that this person is not harmed. Even more deeply than this, the forgiver strives, as an important - [I am not so much furious with the individual who treated me unfairly as I am hurt. Does this mean I don't have to forgive because I'm not angry?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/26/i-am-not-so-much-furious-with-the-individual-who-treated-me-unfairly-as-i-am-hurt-does-this-mean-i-dont-have-to-forgive-because-im-not-angry/) - One reason why we forgive is that psychological damage from long-standing anger is beginning to affect us. As a second reason why we forgive, we do so for the benefit of the other person or to give that person another chance. As a third reason, forgiveness is a moral virtue, and we do this to - [I'm making an effort to forgive my brother. I had a lot of anger toward him. Regretfully, I let my rage get the better of me, and I need his forgiveness now. What would you recommend?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/25/im-making-an-effort-to-forgive-my-brother-i-had-a-lot-of-anger-toward-him-regretfully-i-let-my-rage-get-the-better-of-me-and-i-need-his-forgiveness-now-what-would-you-recommend/) - In close relationships, it's typical for both parties to need to extend forgiveness to each other. One important thing to remember is that both of you can be on a different level of the forgiveness process. For instance, you might be more than willing to extend forgiveness, but he might not be ready to let - [You talk about “bearing the pain” in your books for the general public.  I am confused by that.  How do you distinguish between a) bearing the pain and moving on with strength and b) bearing the pain so that you see yourself as weak and give into a learned-helplessness mindset?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/25/you-talk-about-bearing-the-pain-in-your-books-for-the-general-public-i-am-confused-by-that-how-do-you-distinguish-between-a-bearing-the-pain-and-moving-on-with-strengt/) - When people bear the pain with strength, they are willingly deciding to bear the pain for the one who was unfair. It is one of the gifts given to the one who has been unjust so that the forgivers do not keep throwing the pain back to that person or to unsuspecting others. When people - [I told my pal Brian a secret, and he betrayed it. It took some time for us to reconcile. Unbelievably, he did it once again! Must I forgive him for this second one?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/25/i-told-my-pal-brian-a-secret-and-he-betrayed-it-it-took-some-time-for-us-to-reconcile-unbelievably-he-did-it-once-again-must-i-forgive-him-for-this-second-one/) - You say that one "must forgive." Please do not feel grimly forced to forgive right away; this is your choice to forgive. You seem to be quite angry. Thus, it could take some time. Your friend knew how much the first betrayal hurt, so this second one seems even more challenging than the first. You - [Susan, one of my friends, is not happy with one of her parents. I see why it would be beneficial for her to forgive the parent. She won't listen, though. How would you advise me to proceed?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/25/susan-one-of-my-friends-is-not-happy-with-one-of-her-parents-i-see-why-it-would-be-beneficial-for-her-to-forgive-the-parent-she-wont-listen-though-how-would-you-advise-me-to-proceed/) - It's not appropriate to put Susan under pressure to forgive. However, you don't necessarily want to disregard your friend, who can benefit psychologically from thinking about forgiving the parent. You should be aware of Susan's internal suffering, in my opinion. You may concentrate on that pain and ask her if she has any strategies for - [Could you give me an example of a situation in which forgiveness is improper or immoral?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/24/could-you-give-me-an-example-of-a-situation-in-which-forgiveness-is-improper-or-immoral/) - Since forgiveness is a component of the moral good of this world, it is inherently moral and never immoral. It is a virtue to give someone who has wronged you unconditional love and kindness while guarding against more wrongdoing. However, some people might see forgiveness as inappropriate when they do not completely comprehend what forgiveness - [Could it be argued that seeking revenge is a sort of forgiveness if the person experiences a profound sense of inner relief? In other words, this person has a similar outcome as the person who genuinely forgives. They both find inner relief. I say that because feeling better occurs when seeking revenge or forgiving.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/24/could-it-be-argued-that-seeking-revenge-is-a-sort-of-forgiveness-if-the-person-experiences-a-profound-sense-of-inner-relief-in-other-words-this-person-has-a-similar-outcome-as-the-person-who-genuine/) - My answer to your question is no. Seeking vengeance and forgiving are two very different things. We need to keep in mind that, despite having comparable internal outcomes (of at least a temporary “feel good” scenario), revenge and forgiveness have quite distinct processes. One wants to hurt the other (revenge), and the other wants compassion - [Although I want to forgive, I'll be honest—I'm afraid.  Why I am so afraid to forgive is beyond me.  Could you give me some advice?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/24/although-i-want-to-forgive-ill-be-honest-im-afraid-why-i-am-so-afraid-to-forgive-is-beyond-me-could-you-give-me-some-advice/) - You may be afraid because you believe that extending forgiveness would mean giving in to the other person's demands and unfair treatment. Offering goodwill from a position of strength while opposing injustice, bearing the hurt of what transpired, and lending support to the other person in the hopes that this person may change is what - [I have begun the forgiveness process, but I have not begun to develop any positive feelings toward the person.  When might this emerge or is it possible that it never will in my case?  I have been trying to forgive for about a month now.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/23/i-have-begun-the-forgiveness-process-but-i-have-not-begun-to-develop-any-positive-feelings-toward-the-person-when-might-this-emerge-or-is-it-possible-that-it-never-will-in-my-case-i-hav/) - The process of forgiving can take time, especially if someone has deeply hurt you. So, you will need patience as you forgive. As an analogy, suppose you want to start a physical fitness program. Would you expect great results in four weeks, or would you need more time if you have a high fitness goal? - [What advice would you give in this case? An employer has caused great harm to my friend. However, the friend won't talk to me about it. Stated differently, he is not confiding in anyone with his feelings and thoughts around this. How am I able to help?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/23/what-advice-would-you-give-in-this-case-an-employer-has-caused-great-harm-to-my-friend-however-the-friend-wont-talk-to-me-about-it-stated-differently-he-is-not-confiding-in-anyone-with-his-feel/) - At this point, your greatest option is to love your friend without conditions. He can't talk because his internal wounds are too fresh. Even if he stays silent, your showing him that you are there for him could boost his confidence. He will speak with you when he is ready. So, please allow time for - [When I do a Google search for the psychology of forgiveness, often I see the definition of forgiving as the giving up of anger. What is your opinion of this definition?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/09/23/when-i-do-a-google-search-for-the-psychology-of-forgiveness-often-i-see-the-definition-of-forgiving-as-the-giving-up-of-anger-what-is-your-opinion-of-this-definition/) - I think it Is too narrow. A person can give up anger because the other who offended is seen as incorrigible and incapable of change. Such a harsh judgement might lower anger, but it is not in the spirit of forgiving because the other is being judged quite negatively. Also, as people forgive, they do - [In my forgiving my ex-partner, if I give him a physical gift of some kind, might he mistake this as a sign that I want to reconcile?  I actually do not want to reconcile, but your Process Model of Forgiveness suggests giving a gift, which kind of scares me.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/30/in-my-forgiving-my-ex-partner-if-i-give-him-a-physical-gift-of-some-kind-might-he-mistake-this-as-a-sign-that-i-want-to-reconcile-i-actually-do-not-want-to-reconcile-but-your-process-model-o/) - You can give an indirect gift to your ex-partner, such as a kind word about him to others. You could consider donating a little money to a charity on his behalf and not inform him of this. In other words, you can give a gift that is not physical (in the case of a kind - [A friend of mine was having trouble with his partner.  I recommended forgiveness.  He came back to me about a week later and said he now has forgiven her.  He said that he now has a “non-feeling” toward her and never wants to see her again.  How can I encourage him to deepen his view of forgiving and be more compassionate?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/29/a-friend-of-mine-was-having-trouble-with-his-partner-i-recommended-forgiveness-he-came-back-to-me-about-a-week-later-and-said-he-now-has-forgiven-her-he-said-that-he-now-has-a/) - Non-feeling is better than rage or hatred, but as you are implying in your question, it is not going very far in terms of forgiving. Compassion takes time to emerge and cannot be quickly changed at will. If he can willingly practice seeing his partner as a true human being with inherent worth, and this - [I forgave my partner and I truly think that I did this right.  In other words, I have more gentle behaviors toward him, I see that he has worth as a person, and I have empathy toward him.  I proclaimed my forgiveness and he says that he accepted it.  Yet, he keeps being annoyed with me.  I thought that forgiving would be helpful to him, but so far it is not.  What now?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/29/i-forgave-my-partner-and-i-truly-think-that-i-did-this-right-in-other-words-i-have-more-gentle-behaviors-toward-him-i-see-that-he-has-worth-as-a-person-and-i-have-empathy-toward-him-i/) - Your partner seems to have a pattern of behavior that needs to change. It is possible that he actually is annoyed with someone or something else and he is taking this out on you. I recommend that you sit down with him and explore other situations in his life, either occurring now, such as at - [I am a hospice worker and I am considering doing forgiveness education work with some of the patients who have family injustices, some of which happened years ago.  Have you ever done work like this in a hospice context?  What is your opinion of my starting such a program?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/28/i-am-a-hospice-worker-and-i-am-considering-doing-forgiveness-education-work-with-some-of-the-patients-who-have-family-injustices-some-of-which-happened-years-ago-have-you-ever-done-work-like-t/) - Yes, Dr. Mary Hansen and colleagues published a journal article in 2009 in which hospice patients forgave family members. The results showed that they increased in their hope for the future as some of them drew family members to their bedside and reconciled prior to their passing. Here is a link to that article: Hansen, - [Why can’t we simplify forgive by saying that the forgiver no longer wants to harm the one who acted badly?  Why complicate matters by insisting that the forgiver has to be perfect in his thinking, feeling, and behaving toward the offending one?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/28/why-cant-we-simplify-forgive-by-saying-that-the-forgiver-no-longer-wants-to-harm-the-one-who-acted-badly-why-complicate-matters-by-insisting-that-the-forgiver-has-to-be-perfect-in-his/) - The forgiver does not have to be perfect in the expression of forgiving. The key issue here is to distinguish between what can be expressed now by an imperfect forgiver (and we are all imperfect forgivers) and what forgiving actually is in its Essence. As imperfect forgivers, people do not necessarily reach the heights of - [Someone said that forgiveness is thinking kind thoughts about the offender.  Is that all there is to forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/27/someone-said-that-forgiveness-is-thinking-kind-thoughts-about-the-offender-is-that-all-there-is-to-forgiving/) - If you think about this issue of thinking as forgiveness, you may quickly see why it is too small of a definition. Here is an example to dispel the myth that to forgive is only to have kind thoughts about the one who offended: Suppose Bradly is in a relationship with Susan. She acted unjustly - [I think that forgiveness can be woefully superficial.  As people in families offer forgiveness to an abusive member of the family, it creates a superficial expectation that all is well now when it is not.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/27/i-think-that-forgiveness-can-be-woefully-superficial-as-people-in-families-offer-forgiveness-to-an-abusive-member-of-the-family-it-creates-a-superficial-expectation-that-all-is-well-now-when-i/) - I think you are confusing forgiving with the abandonment of justice. As you forgive, you can and should help people in the family to be respectful of one another. Forgiveness is not an open road to put up with injustice. If you do not see that, then you might misunderstand forgiveness as superficial, which it - [As a follow-up to my earlier question about forgiving my estranged mother, I actually have a fear of forgiving her because of this: What if my forgiveness brings her back into the family, and the rest of the family members do not want this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/26/as-a-follow-up-to-my-earlier-question-about-forgiving-my-estranged-mother-i-actually-have-a-fear-of-forgiving-her-because-of-this-what-if-my-forgiveness-brings-her-back-into-the-family-and-the-rest/) - Your forgiving your mother and then your mother being reconciled with the entire family are not the same thing. Forgiving from your heart and mind does not automatically imply that your mother will come back into the family. She would need to re-establish trust with the family members, and this might take time, given that - [I want to forgive my mother for abandoning the family years ago.  Yet, the rest of the family is very much opposed to forgiving her.  I fear that if I forgive my mother, it will cause conflict in our family.  So, should I refrain from forgiving her?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/26/i-want-to-forgive-my-mother-for-abandoning-the-family-years-ago-yet-the-rest-of-the-family-is-very-much-opposed-to-forgiving-her-i-fear-that-if-i-forgive-my-mother-it-will-cause-confli/) - You can forgive your mother from your heart and mind when you are ready. You do not have to proclaim that forgiveness to the rest of your family if it will cause conflict. If you see that others eventually are softening their hearts toward your mother, then you might gently begin a conversation about your - [What is the difference between forgiving and accepting a situation as it is?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/24/what-is-the-difference-between-forgiving-and-accepting-a-situation-as-it-is/) - When you forgive, you do not focus on situations but instead on those persons who were unfair to you. You can forgive a person and accept a person. Forgiveness, it seems to me, is a deeper response in that you are going beyond tolerance. When you accept, you are allowing the person to be who - [Every time I try to correct my partner for his harsh tone, he gets even angrier.  What frustrates me is this: I am not doing anything wrong when he does the yelling.  It is as if he is angry with someone or something else and I become the innocent victim.  What advice do you have for me on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/24/every-time-i-try-to-correct-my-partner-for-his-harsh-tone-he-gets-even-angrier-what-frustrates-me-is-this-i-am-not-doing-anything-wrong-when-he-does-the-yelling-it-is-as-if-he-is-angry/) - Your partner seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement in which he takes out his anger on you even though he is angry with another person or situation. When he is in a calmer state, you might gently ask him if he is carrying a burden in his heart that is in need - [I know your colleagues and you recently published a study in which you contrasted the injustices suffered by men in correctional institutions compared with those in the general public.  I have not been able to find that reference.  Would you please provide it?  Thank you.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/23/i-know-your-colleagues-and-you-recently-published-a-study-in-which-you-contrasted-the-injustices-suffered-by-men-in-correctional-institutions-compared-with-those-in-the-general-public-i-have-no/) - Here is the reference: Song, J. Y., Yu, L., Roman, S. B., Caparros, C. M., Baskin, T. W., Huneke, D., & Enright, R. D. (2024). Examining the past injustices suffered by those in corrections and the general public: A new therapeutic approach may be necessary. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. The manuscript can be read here: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/cpp.3001 - [As a follow-up to my recent question about forgiveness being exclusive to Christianity (and thank you for the clarifications), don’t you think that religions put pressure on people to forgive?  If so, then I am not a fan of religion.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/23/as-a-follow-up-to-my-recent-question-about-forgiveness-being-exclusive-to-christianity-and-thank-you-for-the-clarifications-dont-you-think-that-religions-put-pressure-on-people-to-forgive/) - Please keep in mind that most religions emphasize free will. The idea and importance of forgiveness are emphasized for the believers and then it is up to them to exercise their free will and to forgive or not. Also, in your criticism of “putting pressure on people to forgive,” I think you are missing a - [I hope you do not take offense at what I am about to say because I know your organization tries to play fair about forgiveness. It seems to me that forgiveness is just a power play for Christianity to control people.  Here is what I mean: Forgiveness is emphasized in the Christian Bible, and so as you emphasize forgiveness, you are emphasizing Christian thought and not other philosophies or religions.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/22/i-hope-you-do-not-take-offense-at-what-i-am-about-to-say-because-i-know-your-organization-tries-to-play-fair-about-forgiveness-it-seems-to-me-that-forgiveness-is-just-a-power-play-for-christianity-to/) - You are correct that forgiveness has a rich tradition and is emphasized in Christianity, but you fail to correctly show that forgiveness has a valued place in many different world philosophies and religions. Please take a look at one of our recent blog posts in which we show, across 26 world communities, that forgiveness is - [Why do you say that forgiving is a moral virtue when I often read that some scholars simply say that to forgive is to reduce anger toward the offending person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/22/why-do-you-say-that-forgiving-is-a-moral-virtue-when-i-often-read-that-some-scholars-simply-say-that-to-forgive-is-to-reduce-anger-toward-the-offending-person/) - As stated in my most recent answer here, a person can pardon another because the offended person sees the offending person as low in humanity. The same is true for reducing anger. An offended person can reduce anger because he sees the other as not worth the effort and as being low in humanity. - [May I disagree with your definition of forgiving?  You say that it is offering mercy to the one who was unjust, but one dictionary I consulted said that it is remitting punishment.  So, I am confused.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/22/may-i-disagree-with-your-definition-of-forgiving-you-say-that-it-is-offering-mercy-to-the-one-who-was-unjust-but-one-dictionary-i-consulted-said-that-it-is-remitting-punishment-so-i-am/) - Those who write dictionary definitions of something as deep as forgiveness do not necessarily get it right by offering one quick sentence. To remit a punishment is often seen as pardon, not forgiveness. For example, a judge in a court of law who cancels a parking ticket even though the person is guilty is offering - [I have given up on therapy because my therapist suggested forgiveness.  I do not want to just give in and say, “Okay, I forgive you.  What you did was not so bad.”  Can you offer me some advice on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/i-have-given-up-on-therapy-because-my-therapist-suggested-forgiveness-i-do-not-want-to-just-give-in-and-say-okay-i-forgive-you-what-you-did-was-not-so-bad-can/) - I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive a person who acted unjustly, we do not make excuses for the behavior. That behavior was, is, and always will be seen as unjust. You are not letting the unjust behavior go, and you are not saying that it “was not so bad.” - [I just wanted you to know that I have visited three different therapists, and all three encouraged me to forgive a parent who was cruel to me when I was a child.  At first, this idea of forgiving offended me, but having heard it so often, I have come around to trying it and liking it.  I just wanted to give you this feedback.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/i-just-wanted-you-to-know-that-i-have-visited-three-different-therapists-and-all-three-encouraged-me-to-forgive-a-parent-who-was-cruel-to-me-when-i-was-a-child-at-first-this-idea-of-forgiving/) - Thank you for letting me know that you tried forgiveness after three therapists recommended it. We have to be careful that the therapists do not pressure us into forgiving. Forgiveness is your choice, not the choice of the therapists. - [You distinguish forgiveness and reconciliation, but I am wondering if linking the two is actually good for the one who keeps on offending.  In other words, maybe you should emphasize that an offended person is doing something altruistic by withholding forgiveness until the other person changes.  This gives the offender a chance to alter bad behavior.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/you-distinguish-forgiveness-and-reconciliation-but-i-am-wondering-if-linking-the-two-is-actually-good-for-the-one-who-keeps-on-offending-in-other-words-maybe-you-should-emphasize-that-an-offe/) - An offended person can ask the offending person to change whether or not that offended person first withholds forgiveness or not. In other words, I see no reason to make forgiving conditional on the offending person’s behavior if there are other avenues for assisting that person in changing unjust behavior. The offended person can be - [The Summer of 2024 Now Has Seen Three Published Criticisms of Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/the-summer-of-2024-now-has-seen-three-published-criticisms-of-forgiveness/) - At least three essays have appeared in the summer of 2024 criticizing the practice of forgiveness. At my website, The Forgiving Life, at Psychology Today, I have two recent essays criticizing two essays critical of forgiveness, one from the New York Times (posted as a blog here at our International Forgiveness Institute) and another one - [In Memoriam: Another Tribute to a Long-Time Board Member and Friend, Sister Mary Ellen Lewis](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/30/in-memoriam-another-tribute-to-a-long-time-board-member-and-friend-sister-mary-ellen-lewis/) - It was not long ago that I posted a tribute to the late Msgr. John Hebl, who passed away in March of this year. Today, we pay tribute to yet another of our Board Members, Sister Mary Ellen Lewis, who passed away on April 24, 2024. Sr. Mary Ellen was one of our first Board Members. - [I am trying to find a quotation that I read in the past from Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was imprisoned in a concentration camp during World War II.  Do you know of a quotation by him that focuses on suffering and hope in the future?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/31/i-am-trying-to-find-a-quotation-that-i-read-in-the-past-from-dr-viktor-frankl-who-was-imprisoned-in-a-concentration-camp-during-world-war-ii-do-you-know-of-a-quotation-by-him-that-focuses-on/) - Yes, here is a quotation from Dr. Frankl that I have used in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice: “People can’t change the past, but they can change their attitudes toward injustice and suffering.” For Dr. Frankl, finding new meaning when one suffers is important. This can include becoming more sensitive to other people who - [How do I convey to my partner that forgiveness takes time? When he reads advice on the Internet, he is often faced with advice suggesting that forgiveness can be accomplished quickly, in four or five sessions. From my own experience, this is not true when there is deep hurt. How can I get this through to my partner?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/31/how-do-i-convey-to-my-partner-that-forgiveness-takes-time-when-he-reads-advice-on-the-internet-he-is-often-faced-with-advice-suggesting-that-forgiveness-can-be-accomplished-quickly-in-four-or-five/) - I definitely understand your frustration with the advice that is all over the Internet. As you say, forgiveness takes time. I use the analogy of physical fitness. One does not become physically fit overnight. It takes time and practice. It is the same with forgiveness when a person has not practiced it much and there - [You make the point that angry parents can transfer that anger and suffering onto their unsuspecting children.  My own mother was physically abused as a child.  She was determined not to pass that to her children and so I can truly say that I was not physically abused as a child.  Yet, without meaning to do so, my own dear mother passed temper tantrums to us instead.  I think it was an extension of the physical abuse in the form of unresolved anger.  I now want to make a commitment not to pass these temper tantrums to my own children.  Yet, what if I pass another form of stress to my children, such as repression of anger where I and then they keep their anger bottled up inside, which could lead to depression?  How do I avoid this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/31/you-make-the-point-that-angry-parents-can-transfer-that-anger-and-suffering-onto-their-unsuspecting-children-my-own-mother-was-physically-abused-as-a-child-she-was-determined-not-to-pass/) - Half the battle is to be aware, as you are, that you can pass a form of stress to your children. As you currently are aware, this could be overt and behavioral, such as temper tantrums, or more subtle, as in the form of the psychological defense mechanism of repression. Your being aware of these - [What is the difference between finding meaning after forgiving and developing a new purpose?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/31/what-is-the-difference-between-finding-meaning-after-forgiving-and-developing-a-new-purpose/) - Finding meaning is a cognitive exercise in which the forgiver begins to understand how forgiveness operates within human hearts, families, and communities. As people find new meaning upon forgiving, they tend to be more aware of others’ suffering as well as one’s own suffering. Purpose is the decision and action to do something about these - [If a mental health professional wishes to “get up to speed” with forgiveness therapy, what would you recommend?  It is my goal to be a therapist in the future and I am interested in incorporating forgiveness therapy into my practice.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/30/if-a-mental-health-professional-wishes-to-get-up-to-speed-with-forgiveness-therapy-what-would-you-recommend-it-is-my-goal-to-be-a-therapist-in-the-future-and-i-am-interested/) - The American Psychological Association published Forgiveness Therapy, a book written for mental health professionals. A course based on that book is available here at our International Forgiveness Institute. The American Psychological Association has also produced two videos of actual forgiveness therapy sessions, which should be helpful to those getting started with forgiveness in their therapeutic - [I think some things are unforgivable, such as incest or the murder of one’s child.  So, those advocating for forgiveness need to back off in such cases.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/30/i-think-some-things-are-unforgivable-such-as-incest-or-the-murder-of-ones-child-so-those-advocating-for-forgiveness-need-to-back-off-in-such-cases/) - Let us discuss first the issue of “advocating for forgiveness.” People who are enthusiastic about forgiveness need to be careful not to put pressure on others to forgive. The decision to forgive needs to come from the one who was offended. Regarding the “unforgivable,” we need to clarify what forgiveness is. When we forgive, we - [Do you think it is necessary for people to seek support prior to forgiving someone for a deep and hurtful offense?  Do you think people can go ahead without support under this circumstance?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/30/do-you-think-it-is-necessary-for-people-to-seek-support-prior-to-forgiving-someone-for-a-deep-and-hurtful-offense-do-you-think-people-can-go-ahead-without-support-under-this-circumstance/) - Because forgiveness has not been front-and-center in discussions within societies, it has been my experience that the vast majority of people actually misunderstand what forgiveness is, equating it, for example, with giving into others’ demands or just letting the injustice go. These are not what forgiveness is at all and so people do need guidance - [Is forgiveness basically getting rid of anger toward someone who treated you badly?  I was told recently that many scholars see forgiveness this way.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/30/is-forgiveness-basically-getting-rid-of-anger-toward-someone-who-treated-you-badly-i-was-told-recently-that-many-scholars-see-forgiveness-this-way/) - Getting rid of anger is **part** of forgiveness, but it cannot be the whole story if forgiveness is a moral virtue centered on goodness toward those who offend. For example, you can reduce anger or even get rid of it by thinking that the offending person is less than human. That kind of condemnation of - [My dictionary gives this definition of forgiving: “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” What is your response to people who tell you that they don’t agree with your definition of forgiveness, which encompasses both positive and negative aspects of emotions, cognition, and behaviors toward those who have treated you unjustly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/30/my-dictionary-gives-this-definition-of-forgiving-to-stop-feeling-angry-or-resentful-toward-someone-for-an-offense-flaw-or-mistake-what-is-your-response-to-people-who-tell-you-t/) - If forgiveness is a moral virtue, what does the word "to forgive" entail? It cannot be both a moral virtue and only thought control to aid oneself. This is because no other moral virtue is exclusively about oneself. Virtues flow from one person to others for their good. If we insist that forgiveness is not - [Can anger increase as a person begins the forgiveness process and begins to examine the offender’s life through what you call the personal perspective?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/25/can-anger-increase-as-a-person-begins-the-forgiveness-process-and-begins-to-examine-the-offenders-life-through-what-you-call-the-personal-perspective/) - Yes, it is possible that anger can increase in the short term, especially if the one forgiving has denied the depth of the anger. Yet, as our research consistently shows, anger tends to decrease with practice and over time. - [What is the basic difference between engaging in relaxation training, so that I feel no anger while relaxed, and forgiving someone as a way of reducing anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/25/what-is-the-basic-difference-between-engaging-in-relaxation-training-so-that-i-feel-no-anger-while-relaxed-and-forgiving-someone-as-a-way-of-reducing-anger/) - Relaxation training is effective in the short term. You are not angry as you relax, but once you stop relaxing, the anger can return. Forgiving is a way of actually curing the anger so that it reduces over the long term. - [If I forgive and say to myself, “Everything now is ok,” might this increase my repression of what happened as I try to move away from it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/25/if-i-forgive-and-say-to-myself-everything-now-is-ok-might-this-increase-my-repression-of-what-happened-as-i-try-to-move-away-from-it/) - When you forgive, you do not proclaim to yourself that “everything is ok.” Instead, you stand with courage that what the other person did was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair. You see the injustice for what it is, without repression, because you know you can overcome the anger and sadness that are - [Could you please share with me the reference to your latest publication on forgiveness education in Iran.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/24/could-you-please-share-with-me-the-reference-to-your-latest-publication-on-forgiveness-education-in-iran/) - The reference for that work is this: Ghobari Bonab, B., Khodayarifard, M., Geshnigani, R.H., Khoei, B., Nosrati, F., Song, J. Y., & Enright, R.D. (2024) Effectiveness of forgiveness education with adolescents in Iran: Increasing the positive psychology of empathy, altruism, and willingness to forgive. Journal of Moral Education. https://doi.org/10.1080/03057240.2024.2360210 - [Your definition of forgiveness asks too much of the one forgiving.  You go so far as to say that as one forgives, then he offers love to the one who was unfair.  My response is, “No way.”  I am not going to love the one who was cruel to me.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/24/your-definition-of-forgiveness-asks-too-much-of-the-one-forgiving-you-go-so-far-as-to-say-that-as-one-forgives-then-he-offers-love-to-the-one-who-was-unfair-my-response-is-no/) - There is a difference, in Aristotelian philosophy, between what a particular moral virtue is in truth and on its highest level (its Essence) compared with how we express that moral virtue in our own imperfect thoughts, feelings, and actions (in what is called Existence). Even though loving the one who offended you is part of - [How can I get a copy of your children’s book, Rising Above the Storm Clouds?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/24/how-can-i-get-a-copy-of-your-childrens-book-rising-above-the-storm-clouds/) - That book, originally published by the American Psychological Association, is now available free of charge here on our International Forgiveness Institute’s website. Please see the homepage, lower left, “Free Children’s Forgiveness Books.” - [It is really hard to forgive my father.  In terms of family hierarchy, he is at the top, the one who leads us.  Can I forgive someone who is higher than I am in the family hierarchy?  It seems that I am putting him down if I forgive him.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/23/it-is-really-hard-to-forgive-my-father-in-terms-of-family-hierarchy-he-is-at-the-top-the-one-who-leads-us-can-i-forgive-someone-who-is-higher-than-i-am-in-the-family-hierarchy-i/) - When you forgive, you are not “putting down” your father. Forgiveness is not a condemnation of people. Yes, it is an acknowledgment that the other has done wrong, but with an eye toward the truth that this person, despite the unjust behavior, has inherent worth. So, please first try to see that as you forgive, - [Do I have to have empathy for the one who hurt me if I am to forgive well?  Right now I am angry with the one who was unfair.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/23/do-i-have-to-have-empathy-for-the-one-who-hurt-me-if-i-am-to-forgive-well-right-now-i-am-angry-with-the-one-who-was-unfair/) - It is completely normal to feel angry at the one who was unfair to you. Empathy, or figuratively “stepping inside the other’s shoes,” can help you see the person as more than the injustice against you. It is an important part of forgiving. As you “step inside the other’s shoes,” it is also important to - [I spent many months forgiving my boss from my previous employment.  It was hard.  I now have to start forgiving my romantic partner and I find it difficult.  I have what is called “classical conditioning” in that as I start to forgive my partner, it brings up all kinds of feelings of pain from what I went through with my boss.  Can you offer some advice so that I can move forward with forgiving my romantic partner?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/23/i-spent-many-months-forgiving-my-boss-from-my-previous-employment-it-was-hard-i-now-have-to-start-forgiving-my-romantic-partner-and-i-find-it-difficult-i-have-what-is-called/) - As one point of encouragement, please keep in mind that you know the pathway of forgiving, you have walked it, and you have done so successfully. There are two sources of pain for you right now: a) your partner’s unjust behavior and b) the classical condition of pain from what you experienced when forgiving your - [Is Forgiveness Overrated? A NY Times Reporter Seems to Think So](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/07/11/is-forgiveness-overrated-a-ny-times-reporter-seems-to-think-so/) - This month’s blog comes directly from our post at Psychology Today (July 5, 2024), which was in response to a critical article on forgiveness in the New York Times newspaper. Click on this link to read the post on the Psychology Today website, or scroll down to read the entire text of the article below! - [Is Forgiveness Something Tied to Western Philosophies/Religions and Therefore Is Not a Worldwide Idea?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/22/is-forgiveness-something-tied-to-western-philosophies-religions-and-therefore-is-not-a-worldwide-idea/) - I came across the above question, which suggests that forgiveness does not have a universal essence to it. Yet, some years ago, we at the International Forgiveness Institute did a study of forgiveness words in 26 different world cultures. As you will see below, forgiveness is not confined to Western thought. Here is a list - [It seems to me that the forgiveness process could be harmful.  Here is what I mean: When I focus on the one who hurt me, I get angry with him.  I would rather just forget about the unjust event and forget about the person.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/29/it-seems-to-me-that-the-forgiveness-process-could-be-harmful-here-is-what-i-mean-when-i-focus-on-the-one-who-hurt-me-i-get-angry-with-him-i-would-rather-just-forget-about-the-unjust-ev/) - In my experience, when people are deeply hurt by others, no matter how far they run from the offending person, that person remains in the victim’s heart. This can continue for many years. The idea of forgetting about the person can occur in the mind, with denial and subconscious suppression of that person, but that - [Thank you for your recent response to me about my sister’s denial of her childhood experiences of abuse against her.  In your answer, you mentioned this: “Forgiving those who caused the abuse can significantly reduce the anger so that it is more manageable.”  Can you provide me with some research on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/28/thank-you-for-your-recent-response-to-me-about-my-sisters-denial-of-her-childhood-experiences-of-abuse-against-her-in-your-answer-you-mentioned-this-forgiving-those-who-caus/) - Yes, you can read some of our forgiveness intervention research on this website by going to the sub-menu on the right side of the page entitled Research. When you click on Research, you will be brought to some of our peer-reviewed published research discussing the reduction in resentment following forgiveness interventions with adults, adolescents, and - [My sister was abused as a child, but she seems to have denied all memories of this.  I can clearly recall some of this abuse and so it is real.  Even so, she keeps all of this hidden from herself in her subconscious mind.  How can a person release the truth of past trauma?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/28/my-sister-was-abused-as-a-child-but-she-seems-to-have-denied-all-memories-of-this-i-can-clearly-recall-some-of-this-abuse-and-so-it-is-real-even-so-she-keeps-all-of-this-hidden-from-he/) - Your sister might think that there is no true help or cure when unconscious memories are brought to consciousness. If she sees that there is a safety net for her, which is forgiveness, then she may be able to loosen up on this defense of repression or suppression. Sometimes people are fearful of their own - [How can I confront with forgiveness the systemic injustices carried out by institutions rather than by a singular individual?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/27/how-can-i-confront-with-forgiveness-the-systemic-injustices-carried-out-by-institutions-rather-than-by-a-singular-individual/) - Institutions are made up of persons and it is the persons in the institutions who make decisions, even unjust decisions. So, when you forgive institutions, you are forgiving the people who have made these decisions within the institution. This can get rather abstract because you likely do not know the people who have made these - [I am aware that during the Work Phase of forgiveness, I am to view the person who wronged me from what you refer to as a "larger perspective." I want to know about the wounds they sustained as a child and as an adult. I then get to observe how these injuries have impacted me. I would like to know how I may stop thinking negatively if I always perceive other people as being harmed and as harming me.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/27/i-am-aware-that-during-the-work-phase-of-forgiveness-i-am-to-view-the-person-who-wronged-me-from-what-you-refer-to-as-a-larger-perspective-i-want-to-know-about-the-wounds-they-sustained-as-a-chi/) - In the act of forgiveness, individuals often consider the personal, global, and cosmic viewpoints regarding the individual who has wronged them. When considering the personal viewpoint, it is true that we advise the forgiver to recognize the pain experienced by the person who caused harm. If all we did was focus on his or - [I have heard the term “becoming a forgiving person.”  How can I become such a person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/26/i-have-heard-the-term-becoming-a-forgiving-person-how-can-i-become-such-a-person/) - To answer this, here is an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life: Part of being a forgiving person is to know the forgiveness process and to practice it. As you understand that process more and more and become comfortable with it, you will find that this is a good beginning to being a forgiving - [Can forgiveness interventions improve, even if not cure, the effects of anger/hostility on physical health?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/26/can-forgiveness-interventions-improve-even-if-not-cure-the-effects-of-anger-hostility-on-physical-health/) - There is some evidence of this in the published literature. This month on this area of our website, I have addressed a similar question with regard to cardiac health. Please see that post for the reference to the published article. Another published article showed improvement in fibromyalgia symptoms following the reduction in resentment from unjust - [When someone is obviously mentally ill, and she gossips about you to the family, what advice would you give to the one who is the recipient of the gossip? My nephews have been informed by a relative who lives in a different state that I suffer from compulsive gambling. I've never been a gambler. Do I extend forgiveness? Given the mental instability, I wonder if I should “just let it go” rather than forgive.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/25/when-someone-is-obviously-mentally-ill-and-she-gossips-about-you-to-the-family-what-advice-would-you-give-to-the-one-who-is-the-recipient-of-the-gossip-my-nephews-have-been-informed-by-a-relative-w/) - Yes, I believe it is appropriate to forgive as the result is hurtful regardless of whether the aim was intentional or not. It should be easier to forgive if you are aware that the individual has a mental illness—I won't speculate as to what it might be. Remember that there is still some degree of - [Are there any studies showing a cause-and-effect relationship between learning how to forgive and cardiac health?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/25/are-there-any-studies-showing-a-cause-and-effect-relationship-between-learning-how-to-forgive-and-cardiac-health/) - Yes, we have an experimental study in which we screened cardiac patients for deep injustices against them and the presence of anger. When the experimental group (which had a forgiveness intervention) was compared with the control group (which had heart-health instruction in the hospital setting), the experimental group, after the intervention, had more blood flow - [A close cousin of mine has a terrible habit. "Please forgive me for this," he begs me before criticizing me more. How can one forgive someone who plans out their meanness in advance and then acts on it? This kind of thing is difficult for me to forgive.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/24/a-close-cousin-of-mine-has-a-terrible-habit-please-forgive-me-for-this-he-begs-me-before-criticizing-me-more-how-can-one-forgive-someone-who-plans-out-their-meanness-in-advance-and-then-acts-on/) - I can appreciate how frustrated you are. The relative clearly knows that this will cause you pain, but still proceeds. It is evident that he knows this could hurt you because he would not have asked for your forgiveness in advance. This is an obvious issue of injustice for you. Given the circumstances, it would - [What is the difference between acceptance and forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/24/what-is-the-difference-between-acceptance-and-forgiveness-2/) - When you forgive, you do not have to accept the situation of unfairness against you. You can and should see what happened as unfair. When you forgive a person, you offer goodness toward that person in an active way. This can include kindness and even love in which you will the good of the other. - [Forgiveness can be different things to different people. Why bother saying it has an essence for everyone everywhere in the world?:](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/23/forgiveness-can-be-different-things-to-different-people-why-bother-saying-it-has-an-essence-for-everyone-everywhere-in-the-world/) - You are approaching forgiveness from the viewpoint of philosophical relativism. With this approach, then there is no possibility of doing forgiveness research because you could not possibly derive a measure of forgiveness since everyone has an idiosyncratic opinion of it. If forgiveness is a moral virtue, then is it the case that all moral virtues - [I have heard that forgiveness is not a moral virtue but instead is a psychological skill in which a person reduces resentment toward an offender.  Why do you call it a moral virtue?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/23/i-have-heard-that-forgiveness-is-not-a-moral-virtue-but-instead-is-a-psychological-skill-in-which-a-person-reduces-resentment-toward-an-offender-why-do-you-call-it-a-moral-virtue/) - All moral virtues are concerned with goodness toward others. For example, justice is to be fair to others. When we forgive, at least on its highest level (whether or not a particular person reaches this level), we are offering kindness, respect, and even love toward those who have been unfair to us as forgivers. Given this - [I know you say that forgiveness and justice should grow up together, but I still am not convinced.  Isn't it the case that as I forgive and soften myself toward the one who injured me, I become less motivated to do the hard work of justice-seeking?  I say this because a little anger in the heart can toughen the heart to move forward with the quest for fairness.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/22/i-know-you-say-that-forgiveness-and-justice-should-grow-up-together-but-i-still-am-not-convinced-isnt-it-the-case-that-as-i-forgive-and-soften-myself-toward-the-one-who-injured-me-i-become/) - You make a good point that mild and short-term anger can motivate a person to seek fairness. Here is another perspective: As you forgive, you seek the good of the other person who hurt you. Part of this seeking after the other's good is to assist that person in growing to be a fair person. - [Can you recommend a film with a theme of forgiveness for my 12-year-old athletic son?  He loves sports and has been hurt by his father. ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/22/can-you-recommend-a-film-with-a-theme-of-forgiveness-for-my-12-year-old-athletic-son-he-loves-sports-and-has-been-hurt-by-his-father/) - I would recommend the film, Field of Dreams, in which Kevin Costner reconciles with his estranged father at the end of the film. You can use this to discuss with your son the beauty of forgiving his own father, without putting pressure on him to forgive. - [Which is the deeper form of forgiving: being respectful of the offending person or trying to love that person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/21/which-is-the-deeper-form-of-forgiving-being-respectful-of-the-offending-person-or-trying-to-love-that-person/) - If by the term love you mean willing the good of that person and then acting on this even when it is painful for you to do so, then love in this sense is much deeper than respect. Respect is highly valued, but it does not cost the forgiver as much struggle and even pain - [I read recently that people can learn to forgive in as little as 2 or 3 hours. Can Forgiveness Therapy really be that quick?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/21/i-read-recently-that-people-can-learn-to-forgive-in-as-little-as-2-or-3-hours-can-forgiveness-therapy-really-be-that-quick/) - We have to make a distinction between the hard work of forgiveness in therapy when the person has deep hurts from severe injustices and quick learning about forgiveness. The quick process can be effective when a person is confronting mild injustices from others and comes to such interventions with minimal emotional compromise. The modern norms - [When people forgive extreme injustices, do others condemn this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/21/when-people-forgive-extreme-injustices-do-others-condemn-this/) - Some people have made the claim that when a person forgives others for extreme injustices, then the forgiver is open to discrimination and heavy criticism. Yet, a study published in 2022 suggests otherwise. Eaton, Olenewa, and Norton (2022) asked over 100 college students in each of two studies to react to two stories, one in - [Should we use different words for “student loan forgiveness”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/06/21/should-we-use-different-words-for-student-loan-forgiveness/) - In perusing the Internet recently, I frequently read the term “student loan forgiveness”.......again and again.......and again. Setting aside the differences of opinion of whether or not this is a good idea, my point here is to suggest that the term should change. There is a large difference between legal pardon and forgiveness. Legal pardon is - ['Psychology Today' features Dr. Enright story on becoming proficient in forgiveness!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/psychology-today-features-dr-enright-story-on-becoming-proficient-in-forgiveness/) - Dr. Enright is a regular blog writer for the national magazine, Psychology Today. On Wednesday, May 22, his most recent blog entitled, 'Growing Proficient in Forgiving: Practice Small Acts of Love', was featured as the "banner story at the top of the site," which is similar to being the cover story in a magazine. Check out - [Why You Cannot Always Trust the Scientific Data on Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/why-you-cannot-always-trust-the-scientific-data-on-forgiveness/) - When I teach a graduate seminar on the psychology of forgiveness at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, we as a class frequently read scientific studies with the word “forgiveness” in the title and then we commence critiquing the science that is reported. Too often, we find that what is supposed to pass for forgiveness actually is - [The Two A’s of Forgiving: Awareness Before Action](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/27/the-two-as-of-forgiving-awareness-before-action/) - What precisely are you doing and not doing when you begin to forgive someone for something this person has done to you? I think the most basic problem is this: defining forgiveness before we actually practice it. Some would argue that you are acting weakly because only the weak are able to forgive; the strong - ['Racialized' Forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/30/racialized-forgiveness/) - An author, Myisha Cherry, in the journal, Hypatia in 2021, made the claim that under certain circumstances, forgiveness becomes “racialized.” In her words in that article: “Cases that exemplify certain conditions that I take as paradigmatic of the problem of racialized forgiveness includes instances in which: A. Who is forgiven or not is (overtly or - [When I was talking with a friend about forgiveness, this was her response: “I am no push-over.  I fear that if I forgive, then I become that push-over. I have to stand up for what is right. I have to stand up for myself.” I was not sure how to respond to this.  Would you please help me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/31/when-i-was-talking-with-a-friend-about-forgiveness-this-was-her-response-i-am-no-push-over-i-fear-that-if-i-forgive-then-i-become-that-push-over-i-have-to-stand-up-for-what-is-righ/) - Your friend seems to think that if she forgives, then she gives up her right to justice. This is not true. Forgiveness and justice can exist together. So, she can have the mercy of forgiveness and then ask for fairness from the other person. - [What is your recommendation for my helping a friend consider forgiveness when she is very angry about what happened? I worry that if I use the word “forgiveness” she will quickly dismiss it. ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/31/what-is-your-recommendation-for-my-helping-a-friend-consider-forgiveness-when-she-is-very-angry-about-what-happened-i-worry-that-if-i-use-the-word-forgiveness-she-will-quickly-dismi/) - You could start this way: You could start with yourself and gently describe how you overcame deep anger by forgiving someone who was unfair to you. It is important, in such a conversation, that you keep the focus at first on yourself. It also is important that you describe what forgiveness is, including that it - [I need some help in understanding your views on one aspect of the forgiveness process. You ask the forgiver to look into the offending person’s past to see if he was wounded by others, for example, when he was a child. This sounds like a phony rationalization exercise for just excusing what he did. After all, if I look into his past and see that his father gave him a hard time I might reason this way: “Oh, the poor dear suffered as a child.  I, therefore, can just let it go that he abused me.” Can you help me with this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/31/i-need-some-help-in-understanding-your-views-on-one-aspect-of-the-forgiveness-process-you-ask-the-forgiver-to-look-into-the-offending-persons-past-to-see-if-he-was-wounded-by-others-for-exa/) - There is a large difference between understanding another person’s emotional wounds from other people and excusing the hurtful behavior because of this. The point of this thinking exercise is to better understand the offending person, not to find excuses for his unjust behavior toward you. As you forgive, you need to keep in mind that - [It seems impossible for people to forgive exceptionally unjust actions against them. Life-threatening events seem like just too much for anyone to forgive. What is your view of this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/31/it-seems-impossible-for-people-to-forgive-exceptionally-unjust-actions-against-them-life-threatening-events-seem-like-just-too-much-for-anyone-to-forgive-what-is-your-view-of-this/) - There is a difference between some people not being able to forgive or even refusing to forgive and the impossibility of forgiving. Yes, there are people who--right now--may not be able to forgive others for extreme injustices. This is not necessarily the final word on the matter because a person may decide later that forgiveness - [This actually is not a question, but instead is a statement to encourage your readers and you. I am in my early 20s and have had conflicts with my mother for years.  I started on the forgiveness path and upon going home for summer vacation after my college semester ended, I was able to hug her for the first time in a long time. It felt great and I am now very hopeful for both my relationship with my mother and my ability to forgive those who hurt me in the future.  Thank you.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/31/this-actually-is-not-a-question-but-instead-is-a-statement-to-encourage-your-readers-and-you-i-am-in-my-early-20s-and-have-had-conflicts-with-my-mother-for-years-i-started-on-the-forgiveness/) - You are welcome. We are glad to hear of these positive developments in your life. - [I am disappointed with my partner, who was recently fired from his job. The company administrators did all they could to stay afloat, but in the end, they had to close the door. Should I forgive my partner because I am disappointed with this outcome?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/30/i-am-disappointed-with-my-partner-who-was-recently-fired-from-his-job-the-company-administrators-did-all-they-could-to-stay-afloat-but-in-the-end-they-had-to-close-the-door-should-i-forgive-my-pa/) - It's understandable that you are disappointed with your partner's recent job loss. It is important, however, to differentiate between an unfortunate situation that is not an injustice and a genuine injustice that is unfair. In this case, it seems your partner's actions were not unjust, making forgiveness unnecessary. Instead, consider focusing on acceptance of the - [I recently heard the idea that to forgive is to show disrespect toward an unfair person. The point was this: The other needs to be given a chance to repent and change behavior. Forgiveness seems to just wrap up everything, with no chance for the offender to change. What do you think about this criticism?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/30/i-recently-heard-the-idea-that-to-forgive-is-to-show-disrespect-toward-an-unfair-person-the-point-was-this-the-other-needs-to-be-given-a-chance-to-repent-and-change-behavior-forgiveness-seems-to-ju/) - We actually have given a response to this criticism on this website here: https://internationalforgiveness.com/2018/01/14/criticisms-of-forgiveness-forgiving-as-disrespectful-to-the-offender-2/ As you will see, we disagree with the criticism. - [You have a number of markers for forgiveness such as the Decision Phase and various aspects in the Work Phase of forgiveness, as examples.  What if a person is unsure that she has actually mastered these markers?  How can a person know that she has forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/30/you-have-a-number-of-markers-for-forgiveness-such-as-the-decision-phase-and-various-aspects-in-the-work-phase-of-forgiveness-as-examples-what-if-a-person-is-unsure-that-she-has-actually-master/) - People know, at least in part, that they are successful in forgiving by the internal progress they are making with their hearts, with their level of resentment toward the other person and their level of compassion toward that person. If deep resentment remains, the person could consider revising some of the earlier markers toward which - [As we know, it is common for parents to ask a misbehaving child to “say you are sorry” to the other child.  He, the offended one, then is expected to say, “I forgive you.”  For minor infractions, do you think this is sufficient, or should parents do more?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/30/as-we-know-it-is-common-for-parents-to-ask-a-misbehaving-child-to-say-you-are-sorry-to-the-other-child-he-the-offended-one-then-is-expected-to-say-i-forgive-you/) - Even for minor infractions, it is best to ask the offended child if he is ready to forgive. Let the forgiveness come from the child so that he is drawn to forgiveness rather than feeling pressured into it. If the child needs some time, that is all right. The key is to help children know - [I still don’t understand forgiveness without reconciliation. Don’t some people need reconciliation to complete the forgiveness process?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/i-still-dont-understand-forgiveness-without-reconciliation-dont-some-people-need-reconciliation-to-complete-the-forgiveness-process/) - Reconciliation, in a genuine sense, does bring forgiveness to a more complete end. So, yes, reconciliation is important, but not necessary to have engaged in the moral virtue of forgiving. Why is this the case? To forgive is your choice and your thoughts, feelings, and actions that are independent of the other person. It is - [If I am gravely hurt by another person, is the forgiveness journey ever truly ended?  In other words, might my sadness and anger re-emerge during my life?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/if-i-am-gravely-hurt-by-another-person-is-the-forgiveness-journey-ever-truly-ended-in-other-words-might-my-sadness-and-anger-re-emerge-during-my-life/) - Because we are all imperfect, it follows that we are imperfect forgivers. When we are deeply hurt by others, yes, the sadness and anger can re-emerge as you say. Yet, and this is important, as you continue to practice forgiveness, the sadness and anger lessen and your ability to more efficiently and quickly forgive increases. - [I read recently that a person linked forgiveness to evolution.  Here is the scenario: In a tribe, if Person A behaves badly, he is let off the hook (so to speak) if he is valuable to the community.  Suppose he is a great hunter.  Those offended by him let the offense go because his hunting skills are so valuable to the community.  What do you think of this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/i-read-recently-that-a-person-linked-forgiveness-to-evolution-here-is-the-scenario-in-a-tribe-if-person-a-behaves-badly-he-is-let-off-the-hook-so-to-speak-if-he-is-valuable-to-the-communit/) - I think it is a fairy tale that is not correct. Forgiveness is not a bargaining strategy, but instead is a moral virtue in which the one offended willingly decides to be good to the other, not for any gain at all for the self or for the community, but instead as goodness for itself. - [Asking groups of people to forgive those who have politically oppressed them is an open door to continue the oppression.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/asking-groups-of-people-to-forgive-those-who-have-politically-oppressed-them-is-an-open-door-to-continue-the-oppression-what-do-you-think/) - My answer is similar to a question I just answered regarding the questioner’s concern about not being able to stand firm in justice when forgiveness is occurring. We need to keep in mind that forgiveness and the quest for justice exist side-by-side. There is no danger in forgiving other groups when you realize this and - [I am afraid to forgive because it may prevent me from standing firm and demanding justice.  Can you help me with this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/i-am-afraid-to-forgive-because-it-may-prevent-me-from-standing-firm-and-demanding-justice-can-you-help-me-with-this/) - Aristotle reminds us that we should not practice a moral virtue in isolation. When we forgive, we do not abandon the quest for justice. You can forgive and stand firm in asking for justice. In fact, the way you ask for justice and that for which you ask may be better if you are not - [Might forgiving induce guilt feelings if I forgive someone and my family members think it is not time to forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/might-forgiving-induce-guilt-feelings-if-i-forgive-someone-and-my-family-members-think-it-is-not-time-to-forgive/) - We have to remember that forgiveness is your choice. If you are ready to do so, this is up to you. Others need to see that your view and theirs may differ. This difference should not make you feel guilty because you are doing something very noble in extending good will as well as good - [I think that giving up legitimate anger when treated deeply unjustly can be re-traumatizing.  What do you think of that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/i-think-that-giving-up-legitimate-anger-when-treated-deeply-unjustly-can-be-re-traumatizing-what-do-you-think-of-that/) - If we have legitimate anger shortly after being treated unjustly, yes it is a good thing to acknowledge this and not to deny or suppress it. If a person does not allow for a legitimate period of healthy anger (anger that is not so deep as to disrupt relationships, work, and rest), then this could - [Sometimes institutions pressure people into forgiving.  Do you think this is as ridiculous as I think it is?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/05/29/sometimes-institutions-pressure-people-into-forgiving-do-you-think-this-is-as-ridiculous-as-i-think-it-is/) - I am not aware of institutions exerting pressure on people to forgive. Yes, there are exhortations to forgive, and if this is not filled with pressure but instead with encouragement, it can be good. This is the case because the institutions are pointing to forgiveness as a moral good worth trying. In this circumstance, the - [I am being accused of indifference toward my partner.  Yet, I see a difference between my actions and my intentions.  I have been under a lot of pressure at work lately and have had to work very long hours.  I do not mean to neglect my partner.  In contrast, my partner is accusing me of ignoring.  What do I do now?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/30/i-am-being-accused-of-indifference-toward-my-partner-yet-i-see-a-difference-between-my-actions-and-my-intentions-i-have-been-under-a-lot-of-pressure-at-work-lately-and-have-had-to-work/) - A key issue is to forthrightly examine how long this work pattern has been occurring. Has it been for a week, a month, or many months? If this pattern has been for a long time, it is important for both of you to find some balance in the work and life pattern so that your - [How can I reconcile with a person who: a) never listens to my side of the story; b) is not trustworthy; and c) he continues to hurt me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/30/how-can-i-reconcile-with-a-person-who-a-never-listens-to-my-side-of-the-story-b-is-not-trustworthy-and-c-he-continues-to-hurt-me/) - You may have to wait for now to reconcile because the other person still hurts you and is not trustworthy. It is possible that this person is deeply emotionally wounded from injustices suffered by others and the pain is being displaced onto you. A hope of reconciliation is this: Can you explore with this person - [I sometimes consider forgiving my father for what happened when I was a child.  Yet, I then conclude that I never would reconcile with him anyway, so why bother to forgive?  What are your thoughts?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/30/i-sometimes-consider-forgiving-my-father-for-what-happened-when-i-was-a-child-yet-i-then-conclude-that-i-never-would-reconcile-with-him-anyway-so-why-bother-to-forgive-what-are-your-th/) - It is possible that your conclusion that “I never would reconcile with him anyway” is based on your current resentment and unforgiveness. If you work on forgiving your father, your views of reconciliation might change. Also, even if you do not reconcile, if and when you forgive, you could set yourself free of the resentments - [What if you approach someone and say, “I forgive you.”  Could this lead to even more tension? If she isn't prepared to hear it, may this lead to an argument?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/30/what-if-you-approach-someone-and-say-i-forgive-you-could-this-lead-to-even-more-tension-if-she-isnt-prepared-to-hear-it-may-this-lead-to-an-argument/) - I think you are right. Proclaiming your forgiveness could lead to the other person getting angry at you if the person is not ready to hear it. Please keep in mind that there are no strict guidelines when it comes to forgiving someone. It is possible to show forgiveness without ever saying, “I forgive you.” - [In your book, The Forgiving Life, you distinguish between forgiving a person for an offense and being a forgiving person. What’s the difference between these two?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/30/in-your-book-the-forgiving-life-you-distinguish-between-forgiving-a-person-for-an-offense-and-being-a-forgiving-person-whats-the-difference-between-these-two/) - Being a forgiving person and forgiving someone for one offense are two different ideas. To forgive someone usually means to engage in a particular process that will lead to forgiving a person for a particular injustice. To be a forgiving person means that you: a) forgive particular people with a particular process for particular injustices; - [I know that to forgive is not to excuse what the other person did.  I still worry that the one forgiven might misinterpret my forgiveness and think I am giving her permission to act unfairly.  Can you help me sort this out?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/29/i-know-that-to-forgive-is-not-to-excuse-what-the-other-person-did-i-still-worry-that-the-one-forgiven-might-misinterpret-my-forgiveness-and-think-i-am-giving-her-permission-to-act-unfairly/) - When you forgive and your anger is lessened, you can gently ask for her fairness. If you do not have deep anger in your heart, you will probably be able to deliver your message with a quiet tone, and your suggestions for her fairness will likely be reasonable. As she sees that you want to - [I am a Christian.  Is forgiveness only a moral virtue?  It seems to me that it is a theological virtue, as St. Thomas Aquinas calls it.  In other words, if forgiveness is a theological virtue, then we would need the grace of God to do this well.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/29/i-am-a-christian-is-forgiveness-only-a-moral-virtue-it-seems-to-me-that-it-is-a-theological-virtue-as-st-thomas-aquinas-calls-it-in-other-words-if-forgiveness-is-a-theological/) - As you point out, St. Thomas Aquinas makes a distinction between a moral virtue, open to all who are trying to live a good life, and a theological virtue, which is so challenging that we need the grace of God to get this right. St. Thomas does place charity under the heading of a theological - [If forgiveness and reconciliation are different, as you have said, then can I forgive and just write off the other in non-reconciliation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/29/if-forgiveness-and-reconciliation-are-different-as-you-have-said-then-can-i-forgive-and-just-write-off-the-other-in-non-reconciliation/) - When we forgive, we see the other as a person of worth. This means that on its deepest level, forgiveness makes room for reconciliation if the other can repent, change harmful ways, and be trusted. So, even without being able to reconcile with the other because of the other’s entrenched harmful behavior, you can be - [Can I forgive situations?  I read a published work that said if I have a sore knee, I can forgive my knee.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/29/can-i-forgive-situations-i-read-a-published-work-that-said-if-i-have-a-sore-knee-i-can-forgive-my-knee-what-do-you-think/) - To forgive is to reach out in a merciful way to persons-----to persons. The essence of forgiveness is to love those who do not love you. Is your knee a person? Can you love your knee? You certainly can take care of your knee, but to love presumes that the other could, at least as - [As a follow-up to my point about punishment as deserved for the one who offended me, isn’t it possible that the punishment could serve as a way of rehabilitating him?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/29/as-a-follow-up-to-my-point-about-punishment-as-deserved-for-the-one-who-offended-me-isnt-it-possible-that-the-punishment-could-serve-as-a-way-of-rehabilitating-him/) - Punishment alone may help to change a person’s behavior at least in the short run, but if this person is deeply hurting from being wounded by others in the past, the residual anger or hatred needs to be healed if the punishment is going to be effective. With hatred in his heart that is not - [I don’t understand what is so bad about just wanting a person who deeply offends me to suffer punishment in this world.  It is well deserved.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/29/i-dont-understand-what-is-so-bad-about-just-wanting-a-person-who-deeply-offends-me-to-suffer-punishment-in-this-world-it-is-well-deserved/) - Aristotle reminds us that when we practice the moral virtues, we should avoid practicing any one of them in isolation. As an example, a courageous non-swimmer who does not bring wisdom along with the courage might decide to jump into a stormy sea to save a drowning dog, only to lose his own life in - [My counselor informed me that I would be "enabling" my boss if I continued to overlook his impolite actions. I believe he is trying to tell me that I am simply slipping into his hurtful routine without challenging him or offering constructive criticism. So, can forgiving someone else amount to "enabling" his bad behavior?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/27/my-counselor-informed-me-that-i-would-be-enabling-my-boss-if-i-continued-to-overlook-his-impolite-actions-i-believe-he-is-trying-to-tell-me-that-i-am-simply-slipping-into-his-hurtful-routine-with/) - The question implies that one who extends forgiveness also supports an individual's unfair actions. That's essentially the meaning of the word "enabling." For example, when one partner engages in harmful behavior, such as binge drinking, the other spouse downplays it and even finances the bad behavior. Forgiveness would not be a moral virtue at all - [If I wait to forgive, maybe a few weeks, does this make me a bad person?  Should I try to forgive as soon as someone hurts me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/27/if-i-wait-to-forgive-maybe-a-few-weeks-does-this-make-me-a-bad-person-should-i-try-to-forgive-as-soon-as-someone-hurts-me/) - Forgiveness is a process that can take time. When we are treated cruelly by others, we often start with a period of short-term anger. The anger basically gives this message to the other person and to you: “I am a person of worth and you should not treat me this way.” Allow yourself this period - [This may sound kind of odd, but when I forgive someone, I can feel guilty about it. I don't always feel guilty about forgiving someone who has treated me deeply unfairly, but occasionally, I do. I don't think the individual deserves to be forgiven. What assistance can you provide me to lessen my guilt?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/27/this-may-sound-kind-of-odd-but-when-i-forgive-someone-i-can-feel-guilty-about-it-i-dont-always-feel-guilty-about-forgiving-someone-who-has-treated-me-deeply-unfairly-but-occasionally-i-do-i-do/) - When you forgive, you might be feeling badly about yourself because you believe you are letting the other person off the hook. If this is the case, you are considering forgiveness to be a component of the virtue of justice (i.e., treating others fairly and giving them what they deserve). If this is how you - [Does someone have to make reparations before he can forgive? I've noticed a recurring theme in some social media about forgiveness: Forgiving someone doesn't happen unless the offender makes amends. I believe that the offender's requirement is inappropriate. What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/26/does-someone-have-to-make-reparations-before-he-can-forgive-ive-noticed-a-recurring-theme-in-some-social-media-about-forgiveness-forgiving-someone-doesnt-happen-unless-the-offender-makes-amends/) - I agree with you for three reasons. First, the injured party is stuck in unforgiveness until the other thinks it's time to make amends. This is unfair to the victim of the offense. In other words, the victim may have no way of reducing or eliminating the resentment without forgiving, which now is denied to - [It seems to me that to forgive is to substitute a depressed and angry mood with a joyful one. You will have forgiven the person if you are able to accomplish this. How do you feel about what I just wrote?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/26/it-seems-to-me-that-to-forgive-is-to-substitute-a-depressed-and-angry-mood-with-a-joyful-one-you-will-have-forgiven-the-person-if-you-are-able-to-accomplish-this-how-do-you-feel-about-what-i-just-wr/) - Although you appear to have captured some of the fundamentals of forgiveness, there is more to it than that. Anger, discouragement, and resentment are among the negative feelings that change (typically slowly) into happier, joyous, and loving ones when a person goes through the process of forgiveness. We probably shouldn't use the word "substitute" to - [Last week, there was a damaging hurricane in my region of the world. Is it ethical to urge kids to forgive such weather calamities when they get scared of such severe natural disasters? Forgiveness, in my opinion, could soothe the kids and lessen their rage when they consider these hazardous weather circumstances.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/26/last-week-there-was-a-damaging-hurricane-in-my-region-of-the-world-is-it-ethical-to-urge-kids-to-forgive-such-weather-calamities-when-they-get-scared-of-such-severe-natural-disasters-forgiveness-i/) - I can tell that you have good intentions when you ask this question about children. You're looking for a method to lessen their nervousness. However, we don't want to misinterpret forgiveness to make people feel more at ease. When someone has experienced unfair treatment from others, forgiveness takes place. Events that are weather-related cannot act - [Power Versus Love](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/26/power-versus-love/) - Current political norms seem to have power as a way to achieve objectives. In light of this, perhaps it is time to revisit the contrast between power and love. The following is an excerpt from the book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness (R. Enright, 2015). Here are 10 pairs of contrasting statements differentiating between power and - [Sharing the Good News of Forgiveness!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/09/sharing-the-good-news-of-forgiveness/) - Our founding board member, Dr. Robert Enright, has been busy with media interviews on forgiveness over the past months. Here is a listing of his interviews since December, 2023, starting with the most recent: Live interview, The Drew Mariani Show (national), Relevant Radio, on the topic of betrayal, forgiveness, and self-forgiveness, March 27, 2024. - [Dr. Enright discusses 'Forgiveness is a Choice' on Relationship Podcast](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/04/05/dr-enright-discusses-forgiveness-is-a-choice-on-relationship-podcast/) - On April 2, 2024, Dr. Enright appeared on a one-hour podcast on YouTube, We Need to Talk with Dr. Darcy Sterling. Dr. Sterling is a New York City-based relationship therapist and host of E! Network’s Famously Single, who specializes in working with high-performance women who want to prioritize love and relationships. Sterling describes her forgiveness - ['Peace in the Wake of Pain' highlights the science - and healing potential - of forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/06/10/peace-in-the-wake-of-pain/) - The Summer 2023 edition of On Wisconsin, the University of Wisconsin's magazine for communicating with alumni and the general public, features a full-length interview with Dr. Robert Enright, highlighting how he developed the study of forgiveness over his years in academia to contribute something of real value to people who are suffering. Dr. Enright, International - ['Puppets for Peace' video presentations now featured in Pre-K and Kindergarten IFI curriculum](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/06/19/puppets-for-peace-video-presentations-now-featured-in-pre-k-and-kindergarten-ifi-curriculum/) - Mary Lou Coons, who was recognized with a Partnership Achievement Award in December 2022 by the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI), is a ventriloquist and the founder of Puppets for Peace. She has recently produced, together with her red-haired puppet Lily, video recordings of all the children's books referenced and used in Dr. Enright's Pre-K and - [Agape Love and Forgiveness Conference Speaker Videos Available in Four Languages   ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2022/10/08/agape-love-and-forgiveness-conference-speaker-videos-available-in-four-languages/) - Speaker videos from the International Educational Conference on Agape Love and Forgiveness, held July 19-20, 2022, in Madison, Wisconsin, USA, (funded by the John Templeton Foundation) can now be viewed online absolutely free in four languages--Arabic, English, Hebrew, and Mandarin--using the links below. The 26 professionally produced presentations feature educators from Northern Ireland, - [Is there a distinction between wishing people well and forgiving them? Though I still harbor strong feelings of resentment toward my ex-husband, I wish him well. He violated the terms of our marriage.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/26/is-there-a-distinction-between-wishing-people-well-and-forgiving-them-though-i-still-harbor-strong-feelings-of-resentment-toward-my-ex-husband-i-wish-him-well-he-violated-the-terms-of-our-marriage/) - In his book, Forgive and Forget, the late Lewis Smedes pointed out that when people wish the other person well, they begin to forgive. You are probably only starting the process of forgiving, which is a good thing. You now have to keep moving toward a deeper forgiveness. As you go through this, try to - [Regarding the issue of being pressured into forgiving by norms that can be rather insistent, you said that it is best if people are “drawn to the beauty of forgiveness.”  What are some tips for doing this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/31/regarding-the-issue-of-being-pressured-into-forgiving-by-norms-that-can-be-rather-insistent-you-said-that-it-is-best-if-people-are-drawn-to-the-beauty-of-forgiveness-what-are/) - You can gently let people know that to forgive on its highest level is to love others, including those who behave badly. By “love” I mean agape or the kind of love that is in service to others, even when it is painful to do so. Forgiving can open people’s minds and hearts to this - [Might the popularity of forgiveness now be negative for some people? In other words, maybe there are expectations now that people must forgive, which can put pressure on people and be a real turn-off to offering forgiveness to others.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/31/might-the-popularity-of-forgiveness-now-be-negative-for-some-people-in-other-words-maybe-there-are-expectations-now-that-people-must-forgive-which-can-put-pressure-on-people-and-be-a-real-turn-off/) - We have to continue to realize that forgiveness is each person’s choice, through free will, to forgive or to wait for a while or to not forgive. We need to respect people regarding where they are on the forgiveness journey. We need to let each person be drawn to the beauty of forgiveness rather than - [Will forgiveness require some suffering for me to be finished with the suffering of loss and betrayal from the one to whom I gave my commitment?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/31/will-forgiveness-require-some-suffering-for-me-to-be-finished-with-the-suffering-of-loss-and-betrayal-from-the-one-to-whom-i-gave-my-commitment/) - Yes, the process of forgiveness does require suffering when the injustice is deep. For example, you will need to struggle to see the humanity in the one who was unfair to you. This can be painful as you see, in your mind, the one who hurt you. As you forgive, you will be asked to - [If I forgive, should I expect all of my inner pain to melt away or will there be some residual pain if the injustice against me is profound?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/31/if-i-forgive-should-i-expect-all-of-my-inner-pain-to-melt-away-or-will-there-be-some-residual-pain-if-the-injustice-against-me-is-profound/) - Many people, when treated extremely unfairly, can have some pain, such as residual anger, that stays with them. Yet, the inner unrest, the inner anger, no longer is intense. As one person said to me,”My anger used to control me, but now I am in control of my anger.” Continuing to forgive, even for years, - [About a year ago, I sent an email to someone whom I hurt many years ago. In the email, I asked for forgiveness. I received no response. Should I try again or respect the person’s decision not to respond to me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/30/about-a-year-ago-i-sent-an-email-to-someone-whom-i-hurt-many-years-ago-in-the-email-i-asked-for-forgiveness-i-received-no-response-should-i-try-again-or-respect-the-persons-decision-not/) - We do not know the person’s motivation here. The person might not have received the email or intended to respond and got busy. Given that it has been a year since you sent the email, I recommend that you try again, gently, with no pressure on the person to respond or to accept your request - [How strong must one be to be able to forgive well? I feel like it takes a lot of strength—possibly too much strength—to forgive someone who has treated you terribly. In this case, forgiving almost seems unreasonable. It takes too much for a person to forgive.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/30/how-strong-must-one-be-to-be-able-to-forgive-well-i-feel-like-it-takes-a-lot-of-strength-possibly-too-much-strength-to-forgive-someone-who-has-treated-you-terribly-in-this-case-forg/) - This question demonstrates a remarkable level of understanding. As humans, we are prone to being initially excited about starting a new diet, or a new workout regimen, or any other discipline, only to lose interest after a few weeks. It might not require a lot of willpower to forgive one person because the forgiver is - [One of my friends recently mentioned a strong forgiver, Corrie Ten Boom, from World War II.  What did she do that was so forgiving and, if this was in the context of forgiving the enemy, would this even be appropriate?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/30/one-of-my-friends-recently-mentioned-a-strong-forgiver-corrie-ten-boom-from-world-war-ii-what-did-she-do-that-was-so-forgiving-and-if-this-was-in-the-context-of-forgiving-the-enemy-would-th/) - Corrie Ten Boom survived a concentration camp during World War II. She wrote a book, The Hiding Place, about her experiences. Following the war, she was in a German church talking about the virtues of forgiveness. After the talk, people came up to greet her. Much to her horror, the SS officer who abused her - [Sometimes, when I begin the process of forgiving someone, I later decide I'm not ready to forgive anymore. If I stop the forgiveness process for a while is this a bad thing to do? I mean, if I tell the other person that I will attempt to forgive him, I almost feel compelled to carry on with the process without any breaks in the action. I dislike being coerced into something as private as forgiving someone.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/29/sometimes-when-i-begin-the-process-of-forgiving-someone-i-later-decide-im-not-ready-to-forgive-anymore-if-i-stop-the-forgiveness-process-for-a-while-is-this-a-bad-thing-to-do-i-mean-if-i-tell-t/) - I want to politely challenge an assumption you hold. You are still in the process of forgiving even if you have changed your mind and decided not to forgive at this time. Occasionally, the process compels us to take much-needed pauses. It takes work to forgive, so please take a break when you need it - [If someone is unable to forgive, would you consider that to be a weakness in his character?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/29/if-someone-is-unable-to-forgive-would-you-consider-that-to-be-a-weakness-in-his-character-2/) - It takes time to become more proficient in any virtue, according to both Thomas Aquinas and Aristotle. As a result, we all have a certain "character weakness" as we are constantly working on improving our ability to forgive, or to be courageous, or to be more fair. What does it mean to “become more proficient"? - [To be honest with you, I have never been a big fan of forgiveness. It is for this reason: It seems that when people forgive they are passively giving in to the other’s unfairness.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/29/to-be-honest-with-you-i-have-never-been-a-big-fan-of-forgiveness-it-is-for-this-reason-it-seems-that-when-people-forgive-they-are-passively-giving-in-to-the-others-unfairness/) - When people forgive, they should not forget about justice. Forgive and ask something of the other. Ask the person to change the behavior that you see as unfair. This can take courage and patience, which hardly are passive or a giving in to the other’s injustice. - [I would like to say that forgiveness is fundamentally unfair. Why do I say this? It is because, as a person proclaims forgiveness toward another person, all that does is make the other person feel guilty. That’s not so nice---making someone else feel badly. What do you think? Can you convince me that I am wrong?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/28/i-would-like-to-say-that-forgiveness-is-fundamentally-unfair-why-do-i-say-this-it-is-because-as-a-person-proclaims-forgiveness-toward-another-person-all-that-does-is-make-the-other-person-feel-gui/) - It's true that declaring your forgiveness could make the other person feel guilty, but if the other person has done wrong, this is a very good thing. The individual may be able to change unfair behavior by feeling guilty and repenting. If you think about it, you actually are giving a gift to the other - [My approach to forgiveness has been this: Avoid forgiving someone who has traumatized you since it shows disregard for yourself.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/28/my-approach-to-forgiveness-has-been-this-avoid-forgiving-someone-who-has-traumatized-you-since-it-shows-disregard-for-yourself/) - You have the freedom to forgive or not after experiencing trauma. You give yourself the chance for profound psychological healing when you forgive well. Allowing yourself to heal from unhealthy anger is a form of self-regard, not disregard. - [Isn’t forgiveness poisonous? I say this because it hurts the forgivers. Those who forgive are now yielding to the unjust person's demands, and it hurts them because of the toxic connection that currently exists.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/28/isnt-forgiveness-poisonous-i-say-this-because-it-hurts-the-forgivers-those-who-forgive-are-now-yielding-to-the-unjust-persons-demands-and-it-hurts-them-because-of-the-toxic-connection-th/) - As you forgive people, you don't have to reconcile if they mistreat you. As an exercise of free will, forgiveness is not harmful because you are not necessarily entering back into an unhealthy relationship. In other words, you can forgive from a distance. Even if you don't end up reconciling, forgiveness can release you from - [I just do not have the confidence to forgive one of my parents from issues of long ago. I keep telling myself that I will not be able to get it done. What can you suggest to me that might boost my confidence?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/27/i-just-do-not-have-the-confidence-to-forgive-one-of-my-parents-from-issues-of-long-ago-i-keep-telling-myself-that-i-will-not-be-able-to-get-it-done-what-can-you-suggest-to-me-that-might-boost-my-con-3/) - First, I suggest that you look back on your life to concrete examples of your forgiving others. Have you had at least one successful attempt in your past? If so, you have shown yourself that you can forgive. Even if you have never forgiven someone, you can start now with someone who is easier to - [I have a friend who puts me down and thinks it is funny. It hurts at least to an extent, but it is not excruciating for me. He does it over and over. Do you think it is harder to forgive someone for one really bad offense or to forgive someone who constantly is doing small things to demean and does so rather consistently?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/27/i-have-a-friend-who-puts-me-down-and-thinks-it-is-funny-it-hurts-at-least-to-an-extent-but-it-is-not-excruciating-for-me-he-does-it-over-and-over-do-you-think-it-is-harder-to-forgive-someone-for-o/) - The answer will vary by person and by how gravely serious the one offense is. Many people tell me that they struggle with forgiving those who hurt them on a regular basis. There are two reasons for this: 1) the 20th offense is harder than the first because there is a cumulative effect. The resentments - [Maybe the person I forgive starts taking advantage of me if I forgive repeatedly. Would it not be preferable to give forgiveness a little more time so that the other person has to wait to understand that she hurt me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/27/maybe-the-person-i-forgive-starts-taking-advantage-of-me-if-i-forgive-repeatedly-would-it-not-be-preferable-to-give-forgiveness-a-little-more-time-so-that-the-other-person-has-to-wait-to-understand-t/) - As Aristotle reminds us, we should not practice the moral virtues in isolation. Given that forgiveness is a moral virtue, if this is the case, it also applies to it. To prevent exploitation of us, justice is the primary moral virtue that ought to go hand in hand with forgiveness. Let us practice forgiveness and - [I've forgiven a friend a couple of times for acting inappropriately and rudely, yet he persists in his rudeness. I'm starting to worry if he interprets my forgiveness as a sign of weakness. Should I withhold my forgiveness the next time to send a different message to him—that when I ask him to stop being so obnoxious and cruel, I truly mean it?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/26/ive-forgiven-a-friend-a-couple-of-times-for-acting-inappropriately-and-rudely-yet-he-persists-in-his-rudeness-im-starting-to-worry-if-he-interprets-my-forgiveness-as-a-sign-of-weakness-should-i/) - In my opinion, reconciliation—rather than forgiveness—is at stake here. After you have let go of your anger, you may ask the other person to be fair. You can forgive from the bottom of your heart. You are conveying the message—that the behavior is inappropriate—that I believe is your objective as you continue to request justice. - [I consider myself to be somewhat shy and quiet. I know I should beg someone to forgive me, but I find it so difficult. What advice would you provide me to help me finish this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/26/i-consider-myself-to-be-somewhat-shy-and-quiet-i-know-i-should-beg-someone-to-forgive-me-but-i-find-it-so-difficult-what-advice-would-you-provide-me-to-help-me-finish-this/) - It's brave of you to want to ask for forgiveness already. So please keep that in mind. It's not necessary to ask in person. Have you considered sending an email or letter as a beginning point? This gives you the chance to put your actions in writing, together with your thoughts on why your actions - [In Memoriam: A Tribute to Our Long-Time Board Member and Friend, Msgr. John Hebl](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/03/26/in-memoriam-a-tribute-to-our-long-time-board-member-and-friend-msgr-john-hebl/) - On March 11, 2024, our International Forgiveness Institute (IFI) lost our Board Member and friend, Msgr. John Hebl, who passed away at his home in Oxford, Wisconsin. He joined our IFI in 1994 and gave us 30 years of wonderful service with his wisdom and passion for forgiveness. He is an important figure in forgiveness - [Finding Meaning As We Suffer](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/26/finding-meaning-as-we-suffer/) - In recent months, the theme of suffering and finding meaning in that suffering has emerged more and more because of current events in the world, including the conflicts in Ukraine, in Israel and Gaza, and in Nigeria as examples. To reflect on the importance of finding meaning in suffering, we are reposting an essay first - [Must one feel or experience a sentiment of guilt about their resentment to truly forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/29/must-one-feel-or-experience-a-sentiment-of-guilt-about-their-resentment-to-truly-forgive/) - Not necessarily. Anger within a temperate range (not so long and not so deeply intense) after injustice is normal. One may experience true guilt if one has reacted in an unjust manner toward the other person or has harbored feeling of revenge, for example. If one is harboring this sense of revenge, as an example, - [In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, would you please clarify what you mean when you say that children can become "instruments of revenge against the spouse" in the section on "Anger and Family Dysfunction"? If a youngster discovers that she is being used as a tool for retaliation, what should she do? What kinds of actions might an adult child display as well if she has been exploited as a tool for retaliation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/29/in-your-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-would-you-please-clarify-what-you-mean-when-you-say-that-children-can-become-instruments-of-revenge-against-the-spouse-in-the-section-on-anger-and-family-d/) - At times, one parent will talk disparagingly about the other parent to one of the children. That child then starts to develop a negative impression of that parent (toward whom the other parent makes consistent disparaging remarks). The parent is trying to drive a wedge between the child and the other parent. This child, upon - [I would like to know about situations in which you were not personally harmed but nevertheless carry resentment because you believe that someone you care about was harmed. Since we were not harmed personally, do we even have the "right" to declare our desire to forgive the person who has wronged someone we love? How should we handle our anger in this situation? And should we continue striving to forgive the one who wounded our loved one if the one who was hurt doesn't want to forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/29/i-would-like-to-know-about-situations-in-which-you-were-not-personally-harmed-but-nevertheless-carry-resentment-because-you-believe-that-someone-you-care-about-was-harmed-since-we-were-not-harmed-per/) - The philosopher, Trudy Govier, makes the important point that, yes, you can legitimately forgive a person who has harmed your loved one. Dr. Govier calls this “secondary forgiveness.” Because you were emotionally hurt by seeing your loved one treated unjustly, you then can forgive the person, even though you were not directly treated unfairly. You - [You recently answered my question about the abiding of unhealthy anger which can last for the rest of a person’s life.  Do you think this kind of anger can turn on the person, hurting him physically and psychologically?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/29/you-recently-answered-my-question-about-the-abiding-of-unhealthy-anger-which-can-last-for-the-rest-of-a-persons-life-do-you-think-this-kind-of-anger-can-turn-on-the-person-hurting-him/) - Yes, there is evidence that long-term deep anger can hurt a person physically, psychologically, and relationally. For an overview of this kind of anger, please see the book, Forgiveness Therapy (2015) by Enright and Fitzgibbons. - [Are there ever moments when someone is so consumed by deep anger that he is unable to forgive someone and cling to his unhealthy anger for a long time?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/28/are-there-ever-moments-when-someone-is-so-consumed-by-deep-anger-that-he-is-unable-to-forgive-someone-and-cling-to-his-unhealthy-anger-for-a-long-time/) - Yes, it can happen that a person is so angry that he will be unwilling to forgive. In such a case, the anger literally can last for the rest of the person’s life. - [How can I determine when my anger has gone too far that it is unhealthy? How long is too long to be angry at any given person? How angry is too angry?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/28/how-can-i-determine-when-my-anger-has-gone-too-far-that-it-is-unhealthy-how-long-is-too-long-to-be-angry-at-any-given-person-how-angry-is-too-angry/) - A key is this: Has the anger begun to affect your well-being? In other words, is the anger frequently present to you? Is it interfering with your everyday functioning? Is it affecting your energy or your sleep or your important relationships? If you see that the anger is now affecting your well-being and if it - [I've been told by someone I know that I harbor unwarranted animosity toward her. She tells me that I have created false impressions about her throughout the course of our relationship and that she follows my best judgement in everything she does. I'm not sure if my resentment is warranted, but it feels like it. In what ways am I justified? If she claims that she did nothing wrong, then why do I still harbor animosity for her? Am I being overly sensitive?  How can I discern if I am exaggerating or if she is denying?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/28/ive-been-told-by-someone-i-know-that-i-harbor-unwarranted-animosity-toward-her-she-tells-me-that-i-have-created-false-impressions-about-her-throughout-the-course-of-our-relationship-and-that-she-fo/) - Do you have a pattern with her in that she makes these claims frequently or is this about one and only one incident? If it is a pattern, and if you use common sense and wisdom, do you see unfairness coming from her? If so, then she may be in denial. Another way of checking - [Is it considered unhealthy anger, for instance, if someone is upset about a small incident involving someone who is no longer in his life and is only upset when he thinks back on the incident at random?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/28/is-it-considered-unhealthy-anger-for-instance-if-someone-is-upset-about-a-small-incident-involving-someone-who-is-no-longer-in-his-life-and-is-only-upset-when-he-thinks-back-on-the-incident-at-rando/) - This does not seem to me to be unhealthy anger, which usually is defined as persistent and deep anger. From your description, you are not continually or deeply affected by what happened. To have occasional anger, for a short time, when reflecting back on an injustice is common. - [I wanted to ask: What is the etymology of the word forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/28/i-wanted-to-ask-what-is-the-etymology-of-the-word-forgiveness/) - First, let us define etymology: etymology: [noun] the history of a linguistic form (such as a word) shown by tracing its development since its earliest recorded occurrence in the language where it is found, by tracing its transmission from one language to another. The earliest word for forgiveness is salah, in the Hebrew Scriptures. Salah - [As I try to forgive my father for unjust actions when I was a child, my partner tells me that I am obsessed with my father.  She tells me to just forget it.  After all, she says, this is in the past.  It is gone.  Just forget about it and stop obsessing.  In your opinion, is it obsession if I keep mentioning my father when I am truly trying to forgive him?  I am not finished with the forgiveness journey and so I bring this up---the issue of my working on forgiving my father---a few times a week with my partner.  The conversation rarely last more than 10 minutes because I do not want to be annoying.  So, do you think she is right about me being obsessive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/27/as-i-try-to-forgive-my-father-for-unjust-actions-when-i-was-a-child-my-partner-tells-me-that-i-am-obsessed-with-my-father-she-tells-me-to-just-forget-it-after-all-she-says-this-is-in/) - It seems to me that your partner is not fully grasping what forgiveness is and how people tend to go about forgiving. I say this because you say that she asks you to “just forget about it” and “it is gone.” If you try to “just forget about it” when treated deeply unfairly by others, - [Do you think that, even when people deny severe injustices that were perpetrated on them, the effects of the injustices continue to exist in their subconscious mind?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/27/do-you-think-that-even-when-people-deny-severe-injustices-that-were-perpetrated-on-them-the-effects-of-the-injustices-continue-to-exist-in-their-subconscious-mind/) - Yes, it seems that when people are treated very unjustly, then trauma exists within them even if they are unaware of the connection between the current psychological symptoms and what happened in the past. Sigmund Freud, well over a century ago, was aware that trauma can exist within the subconscious and the goal is to - [I have a partner who way too consistently exhibits childlike behaviors when he is frustrated and offended by other people.  He has temper tantrums.  He pouts.  He insists.  It seems to me that he is using the psychological defense of regression.  My question to you is this: How can I help him change this kind of behavior when he is treated unjustly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/27/i-have-a-partner-who-way-too-consistently-exhibits-childlike-behaviors-when-he-is-frustrated-and-offended-by-other-people-he-has-temper-tantrums-he-pouts-he-insists-it-seem/) - Your partner’s exhibiting the psychological defense mechanism of regression could be caused by a number of issues as follows: a) He saw this exhibited by others in his family when he was growing up; b) his parents may have fostered a sense of entitlement in him so that he gets overly angry when things do - [Will you please clarify for me the distinction between forgiving and trusting a person who has harmed me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/27/will-you-please-clarify-for-me-the-distinction-between-forgiving-and-trusting-a-person-who-has-harmed-me/) - To answer your question, here is an excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life (Enright, 2012): When you forgive, you do not say, “Because I forgive you, I now trust you.” No. You can forgive and still not trust. If the person is showing you that he or she is a danger to you, then - [I’ve encountered a significant obstacle in my quest to comprehend the person who injured me.  The hurt makes me terrified to "step inside his shoes."  When I am unable to accomplish this, I feel like I am not progressing at all and my entire forgiveness route kind of collapses.  How can I get unstuck, in your opinion?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/27/ive-encountered-a-significant-obstacle-in-my-quest-to-comprehend-the-person-who-injured-me-the-hurt-makes-me-terrified-to-step-inside-his-shoes-when-i-am-unable-to-accomplis/) - I get the impression that you no longer trust this person. If so, please remember that you do not always need to trust when you are forgiving. When you are prepared to make amends (because you see that his behavior is not, at present, harmful to you), trust emerges. Please consider your degree of anger - [I became aware of Rodney King being assaulted by officers when I was reading Chapter 3 of the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. I had no idea that a person's wrath could have such a profound impact on an entire community and subsequent generations. How can a generation get past the stigma associated with unhealthy venting?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/26/i-became-aware-of-rodney-king-being-assaulted-by-officers-when-i-was-reading-chapter-3-of-the-book-forgiveness-is-a-choice-i-had-no-idea-that-a-persons-wrath-could-have-such-a-profound-impact-on-a/) - Community forgiveness is a relatively new issue that has profound implications for the peace movement. It is possible for people within an entire community to see the impact of continued rage and, together, decide to forgive the other community. This, in theory, should have the effect of lowering the anger-temperature within and between communities as - [Is excessive anger the only serious concern with a lack of forgiveness?  What about sadness or grief?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/26/is-excessive-anger-the-only-serious-concern-with-a-lack-of-forgiveness-what-about-sadness-or-grief/) - You are correct that a person may experience sadness or grief rather than or in addition to anger when treated very unfairly by others. As documented in the book, Forgiveness Therapy (2024) by Enright and Fitzgibbons, it is excessive anger in particular (the kind of anger that is intense and long lasting) that can lead, - [If my motivation is to reduce my rage toward the one who was really unfair to me and if I am not getting any relief, then is this a good reason to abandon the quest to forgive this person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/26/if-my-motivation-is-to-reduce-my-rage-toward-the-one-who-was-really-unfair-to-me-and-if-i-am-not-getting-any-relief-then-is-this-a-good-reason-to-abandon-the-quest-to-forgive-this-person/) - If you are struggling with offering forgiveness, you certainly can take a break for a while and refresh before trying again. Yet, please keep in mind that the essence of forgiveness is to be merciful toward the offending person and so you still can continue with the forgiveness process regardless of your own psychological improvement. - [How can you say that forgiveness is for the offender when it is the victim who is healed?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/26/how-can-you-say-that-forgiveness-is-for-the-offender-when-it-is-the-victim-who-is-healed/) - The victim being healed is a consequence of forgiving. Forgiveness itself is the merciful reaching out to the offending person in terms of how you think about this person, how you feel about this person, and how you would behave toward this person (if it is safe to interact with this person). - [Is it wrong to want to forgive someone by making the decision to help yourself to be freed from the rage and resentment? Or, is forgiveness only legitimate if you do it for the offending person? ](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/02/26/is-it-wrong-to-want-to-forgive-someone-by-making-the-decision-to-help-yourself-to-be-freed-from-the-rage-and-resentment-or-is-forgiveness-only-legitimate-if-you-do-it-for-the-offending-person/) - We need to make a distinction between what forgiveness is and what are motivations for forgiving. When a person, who was treated unjustly, has the goal of reducing rage, this is a legitimate motivation. At the same time, forgiveness itself, as a moral virtue, is for the one who offended. So, as you appropriate forgiveness, - [Is Forgiveness Always Appropriate When Faced with Serious Injustices?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/24/is-forgiveness-always-appropriate-when-faced-with-serious-injustices/) - Is forgiveness always appropriate when there is a deep unfairness? First, let's examine the response a little more. When we ask this question, are we inquiring about a specific person or about the virtue of forgiveness itself? Here is where there is a crucial difference. Since forgiveness is a moral virtue, we should ask our - [If someone hasn't harmed me directly, can I still forgive this person?  As an illustration, one of my fellow employees was intentionally injured by our boss.  Can I forgive the person who mistreated the co-worker whom I respect for his integrity and tenacity?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/29/if-someone-hasnt-harmed-me-directly-can-i-still-forgive-this-person-as-an-illustration-one-of-my-fellow-employees-was-intentionally-injured-by-our-boss-can-i-forgive-the-person-who-m/) - You speak of what some philosophers refer to as secondary forgiveness. Put another way, you have suffered by someone else's wrongdoing toward a significant other and not toward you personally. You can forgive if something unfair happens to others and then this causes you pain. This can even happen if you are injured even though - [I am having a hard time finding your forgiveness education study with primary grade students in Northern Ireland.  Can you provide that paper for me?  Thanks in advance.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/29/i-am-having-a-hard-time-finding-your-forgiveness-education-study-with-primary-grade-students-in-northern-ireland-can-you-provide-that-paper-for-me-thanks-in-advance/) - The paper can be found in the Forgiveness Education section of this website. That paper can be found here: https://internationalforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Belfast-Northern-Ireland-II-1.pdf - [How can I convince myself that I am worthy of love after letting down too many people in my life.  I am having a hard time loving myself.  Help!](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/28/how-can-i-convince-myself-that-i-am-worthy-of-love-after-letting-down-too-many-people-in-my-life-i-am-having-a-hard-time-loving-myself-help/) - Once we forgive others, we realize that we can offer unconditional love to ourselves, as we do not judge ourselves by our actions alone. Self-forgiveness is about finally allowing yourself to be gentle to......you. You realize that you are imperfect. You fall flat sometimes, and yet you do not have to keep yourself down. In - [I learned from a friend that self-forgiveness is a means of justifying negative behavior so that it can continue. Is she right?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/28/i-learned-from-a-friend-that-self-forgiveness-is-a-means-of-justifying-negative-behavior-so-that-it-can-continue-is-she-right/) - Some believe that self-forgiveness is improper because it is impossible to evaluate one's own conduct objectively—that is, we are too prejudiced and self-interested to make the right decisions. We do, however, have a conscience that helps us, even though we are unable to observe our own deeds with perfect clarity. As a result, we can - [Can my forgiving my ex give me confidence in entering into a new romantic relationship?  If so, how is it that forgiving my ex can give me confidence with someone else?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/27/can-my-forgiving-my-ex-give-me-confidence-in-entering-into-a-new-romantic-relationship-if-so-how-is-it-that-forgiving-my-ex-can-give-me-confidence-with-someone-else/) - Yes, I do think that your forgiving your ex can give you confidence with another person in a new romantic relationship for this reason: You now know the pathway out of resentment. In other words, even if the new person acts unjustly, you can forgive and be free from the burden of excessive anger. - [What is one reason why people find peace once they forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/27/what-is-one-reason-why-people-find-peace-once-they-forgive/) - One reason for peace following forgiving is that people’s anger can go down significantly. Being unburdened of this anger, which can last for a long time, is described as peaceful by some people who experience this. - [An old-time comedian, Flip Wilson, used to quip, “The devil made me do it.”  If this is true, then if I behave badly and “the devil made me do it,” there is no need for others to forgive me because I was not the one who made the injustice happen, right?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/26/an-old-time-comedian-flip-wilson-used-to-quip-the-devil-made-me-do-it-if-this-is-true-then-if-i-behave-badly-and-the-devil-made-me-do-it-there-is-no-nee/) - Well, I disagree. We have to remember that Flip Wilson was a comedian. He was being funny in this quip. Because of your free will, being tempted to unjust behavior by others does not make the tempter the one who is exclusively culpable in the unjust act. As you give into temptation, your free will - [I have a follow-up question to my inquiry about forgiving God.  If it is impossible for God to act unjustly, then God is not all perfect, right?  If He cannot perform a given action, even if it is unjust, then God cannot do all things.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/26/i-have-a-follow-up-question-to-my-inquiry-about-forgiving-god-if-it-is-impossible-for-god-to-act-unjustly-then-god-is-not-all-perfect-right-if-he-cannot-perform-a-given-action-even-if/) - You need to realize that God, as you understand Him as you practice your Presbyterian faith, has a certain nature. That nature includes complete holiness and perfection. The fact that God does not go against this nature does not make Him imperfect. It makes Him consistent with His nature, with who God actually is. - [I am a Presbyterian Christian.  If I am offended with the way my life is going, is it all right to forgive God?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/25/i-am-a-presbyterian-christian-if-i-am-offended-with-the-way-my-life-is-going-is-it-all-right-to-forgive-god/) - No, actually, it is not all right to forgive God. Your belief system says that God is holy and perfect in every way. Therefore, God cannot behave unjustly. Thus, God cannot be unfair to you and so there is nothing to forgive. If you went down that path of forgiving God, you would have faulty - [My boyfriend does not want me to forgive him.  He says I am misinterpreting his motives.  If I want to forgive him, is it ok to just come right out with it and proclaim, “I forgive you!”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/25/my-boyfriend-does-not-want-me-to-forgive-him-he-says-i-am-misinterpreting-his-motives-if-i-want-to-forgive-him-is-it-ok-to-just-come-right-out-with-it-and-proclaim-i-forgive-y/) - You can forgive from the heart without proclaiming it directly to him if this will offend him. He likely will see your forgiveness with your renewed smiles and positive responses to him. You can proclaim your forgiveness within yourself without proclaiming it to him. - [Thank you for your answer to my question about time.  Would you please provide here the reference to the Hansen research?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/24/thank-you-for-your-answer-to-my-question-about-time-would-you-please-provide-here-the-reference-to-the-hansen-research/) - Yes, here is the reference to the Hansen research: Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009). A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60. Here is a copy of that work: https://internationalforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Cancer-Patients.pdf - [Don’t you think that time is more important than forgiveness?  With patience, won’t angers toward offending people just melt away?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/24/dont-you-think-that-time-is-more-important-than-forgiveness-with-patience-wont-angers-toward-offending-people-just-melt-away/) - If the offense was deep and the resultant hurts are significant, time alone will not necessarily “melt away” the angers. For example, Mary Hansen did a research study with elderly women in hospice. Some of them were carrying resentments In their hearts for decades before they forgave. Time, in other words, does not necessarily “heal - [I don’t get it.  How can forgiveness reduce anger in the one who forgives?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/23/i-dont-get-it-how-can-forgiveness-reduce-anger-in-the-one-who-forgives/) - Often, when people are treated deeply unjustly by others, they can experience anger and even an ongoing resentment that can last for years. As people forgive, they begin to see the offending person from a broader perspective than just those hurtful actions. As the forgivers see the worth in the one who offended, see the - [Is forgiving others basically for the self or for the one who offended?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/23/is-forgiving-others-basically-for-the-self-or-for-the-one-who-offended/) - The essence of forgiveness is this: It is a moral virtue and all moral virtues concern the good of others. Therefore, when you forgive, you are doing this for the one who hurt you. A consequence of forgiving is that the self usually experiences well-being. So, forgiveness is an act of goodness toward others with - [Dr. Enright and the International Forgiveness Institute are one of the 'Six Things Psychologists are Talking About'....](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/03/dr-enright-and-the-international-forgiveness-institute-are-one-of-the-six-things-psychologists-are-talking-about/) - The American Psychological Association (APA) features a monthly column on their website entitled 'Six Things Psychologists Are Talking About' and in August of this year they featured a podcast interview with Dr. Enright on the healing power of forgiveness as one of the 'six things'! The episode is entitled 'The Power of Forgiving Those Who've - [Dr. Enright Featured in the Wisconsin State Journal Newspaper](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/25/dr-enright-featured-in-the-wisconsin-state-journal-newspaper/) - The Wisconsin State Journal newspaper has a regular column entitled, Know Your Madisonian. On Saturday, October 21,2023 Dr. Robert Enright was the featured guest in that column, which was a “top story, editor’s pick” that day. The reporter, David Wahlberg, stated that Dr. Enright’s basic approach to forgiveness in world conflict zones is that “forgiveness - [Matthew Perry, Shame, and Self-Forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/09/matthew-perry-shame-and-self-forgiveness/) - For many people, Matthew Perry was most well known as the fun-loving, affable, charming Chandler Bing from the iconic 90s sitcom 'Friends'. As with all people who live their lives in front of an audience, there is always a more complex story and this was no different for Matthew Perry, who tragically passed away recently. - [When “forgiveness” is not forgiveness](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/18/when-forgiveness-is-not-forgiveness/) - We recently did an Internet search in which we typed in the term “forgiveness in the news.” On the first page there were 13 entries. Of those 13, 12 were about “student loan forgiveness.” This is a term that has been used for years within the media. We at the International Forgiveness Institute would like - [Dr. Enright Interviews with Dr. Sanjay Gupta on His CNN Podcast, Chasing Life](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/01/dr-enright-interviews-with-dr-sanjay-gupta-on-his-cnn-podcast-chasing-life/) - On December 5, 2023 Dr. Enright engaged in a 35 minute interview with Dr. Sanjay Gupta for his CNN podcast, Chasing Life. It was a wide-ranging interview including what forgiveness is and is not, the scientific evidence for the efficacy of forgiving those who have been deeply unjust, and the psychological and physical outcomes for - [Dr. Enright Interviews on Wisconsin Public Radio's "The Morning Show"](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/02/dr-enright-interviews-on-wisconsin-public-radios-the-morning-show/) - On December 6, 2023, Dr. Enright interviewed with Kate Archer Kent, who hosts "The Morning Show" on Wisconsin Public Radio. The 43-minute episode is entitled, How forgiveness can heal individuals and communities. Click on this link to listen to the episode! - [Dr. Enright Is Interviewed for Woman's World Magazine](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/03/dr-enright-is-interviewed-for-womens-world-magazine/) - On December 14, 2023, Dr. Enright's interview with Kristina Mastrocola for Woman's World magazine appeared on their website. The article is entitled, Experts Share How to Forgive Someone and Give *Yourself* the Gift of Healing. Click on this link to read the interview! - [UPDATE - 2nd International Conference on Forgiveness in Israel Postponed](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/08/coming-july-2024-2nd-international-conference-on-forgiveness-in-israel-time-to-submit-proposals/) - We had posted in September 2023 about the 2nd International Conference on Forgiveness occurring this coming July 2024 at Zefat Academic College in Israel. With the ongoing conflict in Israel the forgiveness conference has had to be postponed indefinitely, although the conference team hopes to reschedule for some time in 2025. Please click this link - [Forgiveness Education Identified by the CDC as a way to "Promote Social, Emotional, and Behavioral Learning"](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/01/11/forgiveness-education-identified-by-the-cdc-as-a-way-to-promote-social-emotional-and-behavioral-learning/) - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) recently released a new "Action Guide for School and District Leaders on Promoting Mental Health and Well-Being in Schools" and Dr. Suzanne Freedman's 2018 Journal of Moral Education article, "Forgiveness as an educational goal with at-risk adolescents," was included as an example program for what schools can do to "Promote Social, Emotional, - [Jewish Mother Forgives the Israeli Soldiers Who Mistakenly Killed Her Hostage Son](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/26/jewish-mother-forgives-the-israeli-soldiers-who-mistakenly-killed-her-hostage-son/) - The Times of Israel newspaper, on December 22, 2023, reported on a story in which one of the soldiers visited the mother, Iris Haim, of an Israeli citizen who was mistakenly shot in Gaza by soldiers from the 17th Battalion of the Bislamach Brigade. The son, Yotam Haim, was killed on December 15 along with - [In your Discovery Phase of the forgiveness process, you discuss meaning and purpose in a person’s life upon forgiving others.  What is the difference between finding meaning and finding purpose?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/23/in-your-discovery-phase-of-the-forgiveness-process-you-discuss-meaning-and-purpose-in-a-persons-life-upon-forgiving-others-what-is-the-difference-between-finding-meaning-and-finding-p/) - Meaning is the cognitive activity of answering the “why question” in a positive way regarding what was suffered. A likely insight gained is that I am stronger and more aware of others’ suffering, now that I have walked the forgiveness path. Thus, to find meaning is primarily a cognitive activity. Purpose concerns the actions that - [In my observing people who have been hurt by others, there seems to be a certain closed-mindedness that makes forgiveness difficult.  Here is what I mean: People kind of close down to listening and discussing civilly with others once they have been hurt.  Wouldn’t this closed-mindedness to open communication hinder forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/23/in-my-observing-people-who-have-been-hurt-by-others-there-seems-to-be-a-certain-closed-mindedness-that-makes-forgiveness-difficult-here-is-what-i-mean-people-kind-of-close-down-to-listening-a/) - I think you are conflating forgiving and reconciling. You can forgive a person starting within your own heart by committing to do no harm to the other, with a commitment to offering respect and eventually even love (in the sense of agape) toward that other person. This occurs even without communicating with the other person. - [I think that people should be held accountable. Without contrition, not even God is willing to forgive.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/23/i-think-that-people-should-be-held-accountable-without-contrition-not-even-god-is-willing-to-forgive/) - We would like to ask you this: Must you decide between being forgiven and taking responsibility? Do you think they are exclusive of one another? We ought to keep in mind Aristotle's advice. None of the virtues should be practiced in isolation. Justice takes the form of accountability. Forgiveness and justice coexist in harmony. It - [If I begin to forgive, what does that mean? This is scary to me because I'm new to it.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/22/if-i-begin-to-forgive-what-does-that-mean-this-is-scary-to-me-because-im-new-to-it/) - You are not absolving someone of their wrongdoing when you extend forgiveness. Rather, when the time comes, you will be offering him or her a cessation of resentment and, to the extent that you are able at this moment, goodness of some kind. Reconciliation is possible, but this depends on the situation. For example, you - [I’m currently working on making amends with a close friend. Let's try to be forgiving of one another, I said. Now I'm scared. Is it typical to be afraid of this? How can I overcome this fear?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/22/im-currently-working-on-making-amends-with-a-close-friend-lets-try-to-be-forgiving-of-one-another-i-said-now-im-scared-is-it-typical-to-be-afraid-of-this-how-can-i-overcome-this-fear/) - You are probably afraid because you no longer trust people because of what you have gone through. Being treated unfairly can damage a sense of trust in general. While forgiveness can be helpful in this situation, you require more than that. As you witness the other person's sincere efforts to show kindness and decorum, take - [Why do you think so many parents so often insist on one child saying, “I’m sorry” before the other child is encouraged to offer forgiveness?  I ask because, in discussing your philosophy of forgiveness, you make the compelling point that forgiving is unconditional.  In other words, a person can go ahead and forgive without an apology.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/22/why-do-you-think-so-many-parents-so-often-insist-on-one-child-saying-im-sorry-before-the-other-child-is-encouraged-to-offer-forgiveness-i-ask-because-in-discussing/) - I think this occurs frequently because parents have not been taught deeply about forgiveness. If a parent hovers over two children, insisting on the apology and then implying a necessity for the other child to forgive quickly, this might set up false expectations in the children such as: a) forgiveness occurs quickly all the time; - [What is one strategy you can share with me about getting children interested in forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/21/what-is-one-strategy-you-can-share-with-me-about-getting-children-interested-in-forgiving/) - If parents show an interest in forgiving, and the parents show that they (the parents) are drawn to this moral virtue (rather than seeing it as a grim obligation), then I think the children will begin to take an interest in forgiving, not be afraid of it, and even try it with the encouragement of - [As you are aware, bullying in schools has become a big problem.  In my reading, it seems that the focus mostly is on the victims of bullying.  While this is a good thing, I wonder what your views are regarding the rehabilitation of those who are continually bullying others.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/21/as-you-are-aware-bullying-in-schools-has-become-a-big-problem-in-my-reading-it-seems-that-the-focus-mostly-is-on-the-victims-of-bullying-while-this-is-a-good-thing-i-wonder-what-your/) - Yes, I do have a viewpoint on this and it is expressed in an essay I have written on this topic entitled, A New Approach to School Bullying: Eliminate Their Anger, at my blog site on the Psychology Today website. That essay can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/201612/new-approach-school-bullying-eliminate-their-anger We also have a free curriculum for educators - [Is there a common motivation that most people have for forgiving those who hurt hem?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/21/is-there-a-common-motivation-that-most-people-have-for-forgiving-those-who-hurt-hem/) - There is no one reason why people forgive. I have written an essay on this topic entitled, 8 Reasons to Forgive, at my blog site on the Psychology Today website. That essay can be found here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/201804/8-reasons-forgive - [From your own experience in being with other people, how do you think it is possible for some people to forgive horrendous acts (such as murder of a loved one and genocide).](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/20/from-your-own-experience-in-being-with-other-people-how-do-you-think-it-is-possible-for-some-people-to-forgive-horrendous-acts-such-as-murder-of-a-loved-one-and-genocide/) - Yes, I have seen people who have forgiven others for “horrendous acts.” For example, Marietta Jaeger forgave the murderer of her daughter. The High Medieval philosopher, Thomas Aquinas, would say it takes divine grace to infuse the heart with the moral virtue of charity. In other words, he would say that one cannot do this - [Is it even possible to forgive without first reconciling?  After all, how can you forgive when you cannot trust the other person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/20/is-it-even-possible-to-forgive-without-first-reconciling-after-all-how-can-you-forgive-when-you-cannot-trust-the-other-person/) - Forgiveness is not about trusting the other person’s behavior. Instead, on its highest level, to forgive is to strive to love the other person, to acknowledge this person’s inherent worth as a person, even through your own pain caused by the other’s injustice. To offer this love, you do not have to trust that the - [What would you say to someone who refuses to reconcile with the one who hurt him or her?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/20/what-would-you-say-to-someone-who-refuses-to-reconcile-with-the-one-who-hurt-him-or-her/) - The person who refuses to reconcile might have legitimate trust issues in that the other person continues to behave unjustly. The person who refuses to reconcile, rather than struggling with legitimate trust issues toward the other person, may have inner turmoil to such an extent that it is difficult to reach out in forgiveness, which - [I think waiting for an apology prior to forgiving is a protection for the forgiver, who has been hurt by the other’s actions.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/19/i-think-waiting-for-an-apology-prior-to-forgiving-is-a-protection-for-the-forgiver-who-has-been-hurt-by-the-others-actions-what-do-you-think/) - When our goal is to protect ourselves, which is a very good thing to do, we are exercising the moral virtue of justice. When we are forgiving, we are exercising the moral virtue of mercy. We can and should let both grow up together. Therefore, a person can forgive first and with this softened heart - [What is the difference between transcending your anger and forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/19/what-is-the-difference-between-transcending-your-anger-and-forgiving/) - When we forgive, we do more than transcend our anger. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, centers on the person who did wrong to you. You can transcend your anger, for example, by trying to forget about the whole situation, or even by trying to forget about the one who acted unfairly. This is not forgiveness, - [My friend feels that I've hurt her feelings by something that I said. I'm not on board. In other words, I have carefully examined the situation and I truly think that I said nothing egregious, nothing wrong, not even with my tone of voice.  Now, she is requesting an apology. She's threatening to permanently leave my life if I don't agree. In spite of this conflict, I would rather that not occur. How should I proceed?  I really don't think that I should apologize, given I did no wrong, but should I still?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/18/my-friend-feels-that-ive-hurt-her-feelings-by-something-that-i-said-im-not-on-board-in-other-words-i-have-carefully-examined-the-situation-and-i-truly-think-that-i-said-nothing-egregious-nothi/) - Choosing between friendship and the truth is a big decision. I advise you to select both. "I am sorry that you were hurt by what I said [then specify the issue]," is how I would honestly address the situation if I were in your shoes. I'm assuming you wish, whatever it was she believes you - [It is kind of like some people are on repeat.  They keep proclaiming that to forgive is a sign of weakness.  How would you respond to that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/18/it-is-kind-of-like-some-people-are-on-repeat-they-keep-proclaiming-that-to-forgive-is-a-sign-of-weakness-how-would-you-respond-to-that/) - Here is an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life, that addresses this question: “Many people are hesitant, even afraid, to forgive because they fear that the other will take advantage of them. Forgiveness is for wimps, I have heard many times. Yet, is that true? Is the offer of goodness, true goodness, extended from - [What happens if I repeatedly extend kindness and forgiveness to someone and the person chooses not to accept it? I feel like this is an opportunity for the other to exploit me. It's also a chance for me to exhaust myself by being kind without expecting anything in return from the other. How do you respond to my ideas?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/18/what-happens-if-i-repeatedly-extend-kindness-and-forgiveness-to-someone-and-the-person-chooses-not-to-accept-it-i-feel-like-this-is-an-opportunity-for-the-other-to-exploit-me-its-also-a-chance-for/) - Your question is important because, barring some crucial clarifications, you might exhaust yourself and it wouldn't be true forgiveness. Let's talk about the situation first—you offering forgiveness and the other refusing it. Assume you were practicing the virtue of justice rather than forgiveness, and whenever you treat someone fairly, this person responds unfairly to you. - [The Invisible People and Inherent Worth](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/12/18/the-invisible-people-and-inherent-worth/) - Have you ever visited people who are in a maximum-security correctional institution? After going through many secured doors, there you are with some people who literally never will walk out of those doors. In one of my visits to such a facility, I sat with 10 men who recently went through a forgiveness program. I - [It seems to me that as people age, they have the potential to become more wise.  Yet, why does senseless harm continue for people even when they get older?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/30/it-seems-to-me-that-as-people-age-they-have-the-potential-to-become-more-wise-yet-why-does-senseless-harm-continue-for-people-even-when-they-get-older/) - You already have hinted at your answer by using the word “potential.” Having potential does not mean that the person realizes and appropriates more gentleness, mercy, and love. These need to be consciously chosen, with correct understanding of what these are, and the continual practice of these so that the person grows in greater proficiency - [I don’t get the world and the constant quest by those in power to hurt others rather than forgive.  Why is this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/30/i-dont-get-the-world-and-the-constant-quest-by-those-in-power-to-hurt-others-rather-than-forgive-why-is-this/) - You raise a vital question. You already have hinted at the answer by using the word “power.” It seems to me that “power” has become a norm for too many in positions of leadership. There are at least 2 forms of power: power **for** others and power **over** others. When there is a norm for - [I find that it is easier to forgive a person only after I first have sought and gotten revenge.  I think it is unhealthy to forgive before I have had my revenge.  What do you think about that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/30/i-find-that-it-is-easier-to-forgive-a-person-only-after-i-first-have-sought-and-gotten-revenge-i-think-it-is-unhealthy-to-forgive-before-i-have-had-my-revenge-what-do-you-think-about-tha/) - I think you are confusing what forgiveness actually is. To forgive is to have mercy on the other. In sharp contrast is revenge in which you deliberately and severely punish the other. Revenge is not even justice because revenge is an intemperate (severe) form of the eye-for-an-eye form of giving back to the other what - [I’ve been making an effort to forgive someone who just keeps hurting me. With every new transgression, this person makes me angry again, how can I ever forgive this person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/29/ive-been-making-an-effort-to-forgive-someone-who-just-keeps-hurting-me-with-every-new-transgression-this-person-makes-me-angry-again-how-can-i-ever-forgive-this-person/) - I get asked this question quite frequently. This is not just you. Please remember that the accumulation of resentment within you may make the hundredth time someone hurts you more painful than the first. This potential for animosity to fester makes forgiveness even more important. Thus, I suggest the following three methods to you: 1) - [Suppose that I see the one who hurt me as a wounded person.  I do not excuse, but as you say, I “widen the lens” through which I see the other person.  Might this be dangerous because, maybe, the offending person now begins to see all of his wounds and interprets these differently than you do.  In other words, in seeing his own wounds, maybe now he excuses himself and perpetrated more abuse on you.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/29/suppose-that-i-see-the-one-who-hurt-me-as-a-wounded-person-i-do-not-excuse-but-as-you-say-i-widen-the-lens-through-which-i-see-the-other-person-might-this-be-dangerou/) - When you forgive, you need to bring justice alongside the forgiving. In other words, you ask fairness of the other. This asking for fairness should help the other person to not now start excusing his unfair behavior. After all, you would not ask for changes in the person if you are excusing the behavior. To - [In some of your publications you talk about “the 3 R’s.”  Would you mind explaining these, please?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/29/in-some-of-your-publications-you-talk-about-the-3-rs-would-you-mind-explaining-these-please/) - The 3 R’s are in the context of a genuine reconciliation. They center on the one who acted unjustly. The first R is remorse or an inner sorrow for the behavior. The second R is repentance or the spoken word of sorrow to the one who was treated unjustly. The third R is recompense or - [If I forgive someone, will that restore the relationship?  I do want the relationship restored.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/29/if-i-forgive-someone-will-that-restore-the-relationship-i-do-want-the-relationship-restored/) - Your forgiving the person is one of the steps toward reconciliation, but it will not automatically lead to the relationship being restored. Also needed is the other person to accept your forgiveness, seek forgiveness from you, and be willing to reconcile. The other person, who may have been acting unjustly, needs to feel sorrow for - [Occasionally, after beginning the process of forgiving, I decide I'm not ready to continue. Is that okay? Really, I almost feel compelled to carry on, particularly if I promise the other person that I will make an effort to forgive. Forgiveness is a very personal thing, and I dislike being forced to give it.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/28/occasionally-after-beginning-the-process-of-forgiving-i-decide-im-not-ready-to-continue-is-that-okay-really-i-almost-feel-compelled-to-carry-on-particularly-if-i-promise-the-other-person-that/) - I want to politely challenge an assumption you have. You are still in the process of forgiving even if you have changed your mind and decided not to forgive at this time. Occasionally, that process leads us to take much-needed pauses. It takes work to forgive, so please take a guilt-free break when you need it. - [If someone is unable to forgive, would you consider that to be a weakness in his character?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/28/if-someone-is-unable-to-forgive-would-you-consider-that-to-be-a-weakness-in-his-character/) - It takes time to become proficient in any virtue, according to both Thomas Aquinas and Aristotle. Put another way, we develop into more courageous, forgiving, fair, or kind people. As a result, we all have a particular "character weakness" since we are constantly in the process of being more and more perfected in forgiving. What - [Aside from compliments and "nice job," what true satisfaction can you get from forgiving someone? I feel like I'm playing this kind of game.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/28/aside-from-compliments-and-nice-job-what-true-satisfaction-can-you-get-from-forgiving-someone-i-feel-like-im-playing-this-kind-of-game/) - I concur that forgiveness can lead to a sense of fulfillment. I concur that receiving affirmation from others is not the main source of satisfaction when it comes to forgiving. I disagree that receiving affirmation from others is the sole benefit of forgiveness. Forgiving others is primarily about showing love to people—especially to those who - [When I forgive someone, I discover that my anger is never truly over. In other words, I can wake up weeks later and feel the same level of anger. This is starting to get depressing. How can I let go of my anger so that it doesn't come back?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/28/when-i-forgive-someone-i-discover-that-my-anger-is-never-truly-over-in-other-words-i-can-wake-up-weeks-later-and-feel-the-same-level-of-anger-this-is-starting-to-get-depressing-how-can-i-let-go-o/) - We all forgive imperfectly because we are imperfect human beings. After experiencing severe hurt, we can have our anger lessen, but occasionally it flares up again when we are reminded of the offending party and the unfair event. Please understand that this is normal. I want to encourage you by telling you that people tell - [To be honest with you, I fear my anger, even though I know that in order to forgive, I must face my anger toward the person who wronged me. Because the person who hurt me was so cruel, repeatedly, I'm afraid I might lose control. I dislike being afraid of myself. Please assist me in getting over this.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/27/to-be-honest-with-you-i-fear-my-anger-even-though-i-know-that-in-order-to-forgive-i-must-face-my-anger-toward-the-person-who-wronged-me-because-the-person-who-hurt-me-was-so-cruel-repeatedly-i/) - First of all, you should acknowledge one very positive thing: you know that you are furious. Some people try to hide how angry they are, which makes it harder to let go of the anger. Ultimately, if you are diminishing the anger, how can you lessen it? What should you do if you have a - [Why is it important to use stories when working with primary school children on the theme of forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/27/why-is-it-important-to-use-stories-when-working-with-primary-school-children-on-the-theme-of-forgiveness/) - The use of stories helps young students see how story characters work though conflict without putting any pressure on the students to start forgiving others. After all, forgiveness education is not forgiveness therapy and so class instruction in schools needs to start with understanding what forgiveness is, what it is not, how people go about - [I am kind of confused by your call for taking the perspective of the one who wounded me.  If I “step inside the shoes” of this person by inducing empathy, might this lead to my justifying this person’s behavior?  Aren’t I just giving this person a “way out” by such an approach?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/27/i-am-kind-of-confused-by-your-call-for-taking-the-perspective-of-the-one-who-wounded-me-if-i-step-inside-the-shoes-of-this-person-by-inducing-empathy-might-this-lead-to-my-ju/) - Actually, no, this approach should not lead to you excusing the other person’s behavior. This is the case because, in our Process Model of Forgiveness, we start by seeing the other person’s injustice and we label that injustice as wrong. So, when we take the other’s perspective, we are doing this as we acknowledge that - [Upon reflection, I realize that I have a long list of people I need to forgive, spanning from my early years to the present day of my adult life. Everything looks so overwhelming. Who should I start with, and why? How do I organize myself while forgiving in this way?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/27/upon-reflection-i-realize-that-i-have-a-long-list-of-people-i-need-to-forgive-spanning-from-my-early-years-to-the-present-day-of-my-adult-life-everything-looks-so-overwhelming-who-should-i-start-w/) - This is a typical and significant inquiry. It is important since it is challenging to arrange all of these details. I walk you through this process of organizing in the way you want in my book, The Forgiving Life, especially in Chapters 8 and 9. Here is a summary of those chapters: Make a list - [Is it accurate to say, "Forgive and forget"? When we forgive, do we forget?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/25/is-it-accurate-to-say-forgive-and-forget-when-we-forgive-do-we-forget/) - We do not experience moral amnesia, erasing our most profound hurts, when we forgive someone for a significant injustice. No, instead we remember the deep wounds inflicted upon us, in case they recur. I believe that rather than forgetting, we remember in novel ways. When we look back, we see a wounded person rather than - [Over the years, I have forgiven him, and I believed my resentment had subsided. However, I am furious since he is now exhibiting symptoms of returning. Two inquiries: 1) After all these years, why am I still so angry, especially when I've already forgiven? and 2) How can I deal with my rage? I'm scared because it's so intense. Please assist me.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/24/over-the-years-i-have-forgiven-him-and-i-believed-my-resentment-had-subsided-however-i-am-furious-since-he-is-now-exhibiting-symptoms-of-returning-two-inquiries-1-after-all-these-years-why-am/) - I want to start by praising you for having the resolve to express your anger. You've been through a lot. To answer your first question, I believe that once a crisis has passed, anger can sometimes grow stronger. Trying to survive as a child without a father was your crisis. You were definitely under strain - [There are other ways to move on from tragedy besides forgiveness. Is it not possible to go on by facing life head-on, carrying a grudge, and taking a march forward? Forgiveness is merely one of many strategies to move past injustices, isn't there?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/23/there-are-other-ways-to-move-on-from-tragedy-besides-forgiveness-is-it-not-possible-to-go-on-by-facing-life-head-on-carrying-a-grudge-and-taking-a-march-forward-forgiveness-is-merely-one-of-many-s/) - One of the numerous strategies for overcoming tragedy is forgiveness, although some strategies work better than others. Scientific studies have demonstrated that forgiveness is a particularly powerful tool for trauma recovery. For instance, in a 1996 study that we both published, Suzanne Freedman and I examined women who had experienced incest. Each of the women - [Is self-forgiveness required if you have indirectly harmed others by harming yourself emotionally for not acting on your own beliefs of right and wrong?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/11/22/is-self-forgiveness-required-if-you-have-indirectly-harmed-others-by-harming-yourself-emotionally-for-not-acting-on-your-own-beliefs-of-right-and-wrong/) - Because forgiveness is the person's choice, whether it is toward others or toward oneself, we cannot say that self-forgiveness is required. Some people will choose to forgive themselves and others will not. It is a legitimate act to forgive oneself when you have harmed others, even if this occurs from anger toward oneself first and then displaced anger - [It appears to me that not all anger is negative. Can't people find concentration, find energy in their anger, and achieve justice?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/30/it-appears-to-me-that-not-all-anger-is-negative-cant-people-find-concentration-find-energy-in-their-anger-and-achieve-justice/) - Indeed, having anger can serve as a driving force for doing good. However, we must distinguish between anger that stays within healthy bounds (i.e., does not incapacitate us and is not excessive) and anger that escalates into resentment (a sustained and intense form of anger that can cause exhaustion, division, and even medical issues). If we - [Can you very succinctly tell me why forgiving people who hurt us is so important?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/30/can-you-very-succinctly-tell-me-why-forgiving-people-who-hurt-us-is-so-important/) - Here is my answer from the book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness (page 225): You are given the joyous opportunity to shed bitterness and put love in its place for the one who hurt you and then more widely to many, many others, as you are freed to love more deeply and more widely. - [Can you suggest one good journal article for me to read on forgiveness education?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/30/can-you-suggest-one-good-journal-article-for-me-to-read-on-forgiveness-education/) - I would recommend the following meta-analysis of forgiveness education in different world zones: Rapp, H., Wang Xu, J., & Enright, R.D. (2022). A meta-analysis of forgiveness education interventions’ effects on forgiveness and anger in children and adolescents. Child Development, 93, 1249-1269.https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13771 - [If, as you say, forgiveness is such a noble and difficult moral virtue to practice, don’t you think we should start teaching forgiveness to children at a young age?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/27/if-as-you-say-forgiveness-is-such-a-noble-and-difficult-moral-virtue-to-practice-dont-you-think-we-should-start-teaching-forgiveness-to-children-at-a-young-age/) - Yes, forgiveness education needs to begin early in order to offer children the opportunity to learn how to love in this way of forgiving those who have been unjust. This is why we at the International Forgiveness Institute have developed forgiveness curricula for students from age 4 to age 18. Forgiveness education has been scientifically - [Are there any other moral virtues which call for you to develop love for people who have treated you unfairly?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/27/are-there-any-other-moral-virtues-which-call-for-you-to-develop-love-for-people-who-have-treated-you-unfairly/) - It seems to me that forgiveness is the one moral virtue for this. Forgiveness is such a noble virtue because it is offered through our pain to those who inflicted that pain. It demands more of you than most examples of justice (it is typically easy to be fair to people who are fair to you) - [The more that I take the other person’s perspective, the more I see a nasty person who should not have given in to those inner wounds.  In other words, taking this kind of perspective makes me less forgiving, not more forgiving.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/27/the-more-that-i-take-the-other-persons-perspective-the-more-i-see-a-nasty-person-who-should-not-have-given-in-to-those-inner-wounds-in-other-words-taking-this-kind-of-perspective-mak/) - When we take the other’s perspective, we do not focus exclusively on that person’s history of being wounded. Yes, this is part of the process, but only one part. We also ask the forgiver to take what we call the global perspective in which the forgiver tries to see that both the one who offended - [I am confused about this idea of taking the offending person’s perspective when forgiving.  Isn’t this somewhat unhealthy because, when taking that perspective, I might conclude that there was nothing wrong because that person has so many internal wounds that he just could't help doing what he did.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/26/i-am-confused-about-this-idea-of-taking-the-offending-persons-perspective-when-forgiving-isnt-this-somewhat-unhealthy-because-when-taking-that-perspective-i-might-conclude-t/) - When we take the offending person’s perspective, we keep carefully in mind that we are not condoning what this person did. In other words, we keep the perspective that what the person did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. From that position, we try to see a true human being who has - [I am feeling kind of forced into forgiveness.   Here is why: My partner asked me to forgive her and I said I am working on it.  She came back at me with this: “You, who are supposed to be such a good person, cannot even offer forgiveness to me when I ask?  What's the matter with you?”  How would you respond to that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/26/i-am-feeling-kind-of-forced-into-forgiveness-here-is-why-my-partner-asked-me-to-forgive-her-and-i-said-i-am-working-on-it-she-came-back-at-me-with-this-you-who-are-supp/) - I first would forgive her for this accusation and the pressure that she is putting on you. Then, with a forgiving heart, I would gently explain that forgiveness is a process and you are sincerely working on that process. You can update her on the process if and when you are ready. We need to - [You say that forgiving is unconditional, but would’t it help if the one forgiving hears a sincere apology from the one who offended?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/26/you-say-that-forgiving-is-unconditional-but-wouldt-it-help-if-the-one-forgiving-hears-a-sincere-apology-from-the-one-who-offended/) - Yes, a sincere apology tends to help most people to offer forgiveness, but such an apology is not a requirement that is absolutely necessary for the offended person to forgive. If it were a requirement for the forgiver, this is giving too much power to the offending person over the other person’s healing from the - [I've gone through the process of forgiveness with a fellow employee at work.  Yet, I do not feel that I have fully forgiven.  In other words, I still have some anger.  Does this mean I have not forgiven?  What do I do in this case?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/25/ive-gone-through-the-process-of-forgiveness-with-a-fellow-employee-at-work-yet-i-do-not-feel-that-i-have-fully-forgiven-in-other-words-i-still-have-some-anger-does-this-mean-i/) - When we forgive, our anger does not necessarily go away entirely. You do suggest in your question that your anger has gone down, which is a sign that you are doing well in the forgiveness process. If you are motivated to do so, you can start once again with this person and continue to forgive. - [Is there anything the one who is forgiven owes the one who was harmed and who extended forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/25/is-there-anything-the-one-who-is-forgiven-owes-the-one-who-was-harmed-and-who-extended-forgiveness/) - Yes, the one who offended can attempt to offer apologies if the person who is forgiven is aware of the wrongdoing. Reconciliation can be facilitated by an apology and an effort to correct the wrongs. Sometimes the forgiven perceives no wrong in the behavior and believes the forgiver is exaggerating. In this scenario, the one - [How do you go about forgiving a person who hurts you over and over and shows no remorse?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/25/how-do-you-go-about-forgiving-a-person-who-hurts-you-over-and-over-and-shows-no-remorse/) - As you imply, it does become harder for most people to forgive those who hurt them over and over. Yet, it is important to do so, if you choose to forgive, because you then can be healed of the inner discontent and perhaps deep anger. You are free to forgive unconditionally, regardless or whether or - [I refuse to forgive any of the mass murderers of the 20th century.  It seems foolhardy to do so.  Therefore, forgiving can be foolhardy.  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/24/i-refuse-to-forgive-any-of-the-mass-murderers-of-the-20th-century-it-seems-foolhardy-to-do-so-therefore-forgiving-can-be-foolhardy-what-do-you-think/) - It is a moral virtue to forgive. All moral virtues are good, including kindness, patience, fairness, and love-in-service-of-others. Forgiveness is thus a positive response to injustice. Being kind and loving is not foolish. It follows that forgiving cannot be foolishness as it is a component of goodness. Having said that, I do think there are situations when you - [Should trust be earned slowly and in small increments or can I just trust a person who apologizes to me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/24/should-trust-be-earned-slowly-and-in-small-increments-or-can-i-just-trust-a-person-who-apologizes-to-me/) - This will depend on how serious the injustice is and on how sincere the apology is. If the person had a deep injustice against you,such as consistently stealing money from the bank account, you may need to monitor that account for a while, given the consistent nature of the theft. Also, an apology needs to - [When I was a child, one of my parents was very unfair to me. I dislike the thought of forgiving because it will remove me from the victim role. I realize that may seem strange, but all I know is my victim identity. Furthermore, I'm not quite ready to exonerate my parent for what happened to me. Could you please provide me some context on this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/24/when-i-was-a-child-one-of-my-parents-was-very-unfair-to-me-i-dislike-the-thought-of-forgiving-because-it-will-remove-me-from-the-victim-role-i-realize-that-may-seem-strange-but-all-i-know-is/) - You are not alone in finding change tough; many people find it difficult as well. Even if it is painful, you appear to feel secure in your current victim position. In the long term, adopting the identity of a survivor or even a thriver could be beneficial for you. Are you prepared to take a - [I feel like I'm being asked to forgive too much when I say yes. I am not all that exceptional; forgiveness is for all the holy people in the world. Do you think it would be okay if I just moved past this forgiving thing and carried on with my less-than-perfect life?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/23/i-feel-like-im-being-asked-to-forgive-too-much-when-i-say-yes-i-am-not-all-that-exceptional-forgiveness-is-for-all-the-holy-people-in-the-world-do-you-think-it-would-be-okay-if-i-just-moved-past/) - Forgiveness, according to the late Lewis Smedes, is reserved for individuals who are not perfect. Nobody is born with the ability to forgive well. We become more adept at understanding and extending forgiveness as we gain experience. Therefore, even if I'm a flawed person, I urge you to start small on the path to developing - [If someone hasn't harmed me directly, can I still forgive them? As an illustration, one of my students was intentionally injured by another student. I work as a teacher. Can I forgive the person who mistreated a student I respect for his integrity and tenacity?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/23/if-someone-hasnt-harmed-me-directly-can-i-still-forgive-them-as-an-illustration-one-of-my-students-was-intentionally-injured-by-another-student-i-work-as-a-teacher-can-i-forgive-the-person-who/) - You speak of what some philosophers refer to as secondary forgiveness. Put another way, you have suffered more by someone else's wrongdoing toward a significant other than from it personally. You have the ability to forgive if something unfair happens to you and causes you pain. This can even happen if you are injured even - [You discuss both pursuing justice and being forgiving at the same time. Since I'm Asian, I know that asking one's own parent for justice is utterly insulting. Even thinking about forgiving a parent is challenging since it implies that this parent is immoral, which is something I have been raised to never do in my society. What happens next?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/23/you-discuss-both-pursuing-justice-and-being-forgiving-at-the-same-time-since-im-asian-i-know-that-asking-ones-own-parent-for-justice-is-utterly-insulting-even-thinking-about-forgiving-a-parent/) - It's crucial, in my opinion, to draw a line between criticizing the parent and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. Being imperfect is not a reason for condemnation. It follows that your parent will occasionally make errors or even do the wrong thing if you are able to accept that they are fallible. After that, you - [On Contemplating the Forgiveness Process to “Do No Harm”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/10/23/on-contemplating-the-forgiveness-process-to-do-no-harm/) - There is a part of the forgiving process that we have described in two distinct publications, The Forgiving Life and Forgiveness Is a Choice, where we ask the forgiver to "Do no harm" to the one who has been unfair. In actuality, the concept of "Do no harm" serves as a bridge to the much more - [Joram Haber has a book in which he argues in a philosophical way that it is a moral good to wait for an apology prior to forgiving.  He makes logically deductive arguments for this.  So, again, I ask: Might withholding forgiving be a moral response?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/18/joram-haber-has-a-book-in-which-he-argues-in-a-philosophical-way-that-it-is-a-moral-good-to-wait-for-an-apology-prior-to-forgiving-he-makes-logically-deductive-arguments-for-this-so-aga/) - Haber does argue as you say, but he does not address the critical issue of being able to help the other change for the better after you have forgiven. Without addressing this, I would say that his argument is incomplete because it eliminates a reasonable pathway to helping the other person. - [Regarding my earlier question about getting an apology from the one who hurt me, isn’t it important that I wait for an apology for this other person’s sake?  After all, if I forgive, he might think all is fine and not change.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/18/regarding-my-earlier-question-about-getting-an-apology-from-the-one-who-hurt-me-isnt-it-important-that-i-wait-for-an-apology-for-this-other-persons-sake-after-all-if-i-forgi/) - You can help this person to become more fair with you whether you first forgive or not. Why can’t you seek justice from the other after you have forgiven? As you forgive, ask something of the other. - [Do you think an apology is necessary before I can forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/18/do-you-think-an-apology-is-necessary-before-i-can-forgive/) - If you must wait for an apology from the one who hurt you, then you are giving too much power to this person. Why retain resentment in your heart just because the person will not utter three words: “Please forgive me.” You are free to forgive when you are ready. - [Fear or anger----which of these emotions is more central to overcome with forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/28/fear-or-anger-which-of-these-emotions-is-more-central-to-overcome-with-forgiving/) - If you are fearful of what the other did to you and might do again, you can avoid reconciliation with this person. You can forgive without reconciling. Forgiveness starts within a person, with thinking and feeling toward the other. You need not take the step of behaving toward the other---of interacting with the other---if this - [Is the main test of forgiving the overcoming of anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/28/is-the-main-test-of-forgiving-the-overcoming-of-anger/) - Overcoming anger toward the one(s) who acted unjustly is one of the main ways of knowing that one is on the path of forgiving. As Aristotle reminds us, none of us is perfect in appropriating the virtues. As Aristotle further reminds us, there is much more to any virtue than just one component of it. - [How does going through the forgiveness process alter how one now views the past, in looking back on a betrayal?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/28/how-does-going-through-the-forgiveness-process-alter-how-one-now-views-the-past-in-looking-back-on-a-betrayal/) - When we forgive, we do not literally forget the past. What tends to happen is this: As the one who forgives looks back, there can be some anger or sadness, but it does not overwhelm the forgiver. The person now can look back without the same level of pain that occurred then. Here is an - [I am worried that if I stand up for my rights at work, especially toward my boss, that this will have negative repercussions for me.  Is it better to forgive and not seek justice?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/27/i-am-worried-that-if-i-stand-up-for-my-rights-at-work-especially-toward-my-boss-that-this-will-have-negative-repercussions-for-me-is-it-better-to-forgive-and-not-seek-justice/) - How you seek justice----your approach to this----is very important. If you forgive first, then you likely will be able to approach your boss with patience and gentleness rather than with a sense of confrontation. So, focus on the **how** of standing up for your rights and respect the boss and others whom you approach. The - [Is there such a thing as healthy anger?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/27/is-there-such-a-thing-as-healthy-anger/) - Yes, there is. When we are unjustly treated by others, it is characteristic that most people initially experience some anger because of this. This anger occurs because you know right from wrong and you know that wrong has been done to you. You are angry, at least in part, because you know you are a - [When can a person know that the anger inside is too much and should be reduced?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/26/when-can-a-person-know-that-the-anger-inside-is-too-much-and-should-be-reduced/) - If there are ongoing internal disruptions (feelings of discontent, being distracted from usual tasks because of the anger, difficulty sleeping, as examples) that are with you most days, that last for weeks, then it is time to consider an anger-reduction strategy. If, as you look within, you conclude that the anger is being caused by - [What do you think is better, to have a motivation to forgive so that the self feels better or to forgive so that the one who was unfair sees the problem and shapes up?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/26/what-do-you-think-is-better-to-have-a-motivation-to-forgive-so-that-the-self-feels-better-or-to-forgive-so-that-the-one-who-was-unfair-sees-the-problem-and-shapes-up/) - Forgiveness itself is for the other person, as the forgiver offers mercy in the form of kindness, generosity, and love to that person. There are many motivations to forgive and you mentioned two of them. Other motivations can include the possibility of reconciliation with that person, or creating a more peaceful world, or being consistent - [How is self-forgiveness ok if people just “cut themselves some slack” and say what they did “was just ok”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/26/how-is-self-forgiveness-ok-if-people-just-cut-themselves-some-slack-and-say-what-they-did-was-just-ok/) - Self-forgiveness is not excusing the self for unjust behavior. Instead, it is offering mercy in the form of kindness, generosity, and love to the self when one has broken moral standards. It further includes trying to make amends toward other people who were hurt by those actions. - [I understand that part of the definition of forgiving someone is to have compassion on that person.  If I feel no compassion for this person, does this mean that I am not actually forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/25/i-understand-that-part-of-the-definition-of-forgiving-someone-is-to-have-compassion-on-that-person-if-i-feel-no-compassion-for-this-person-does-this-mean-that-i-am-not-actually-forgiving/) - We have to make an important distinction between what forgiveness is in its fullness (what Aristotle would call the Essence of forgiveness) and how we practically and with imperfection forgive. If you have the motivation to forgive, if you are making a commitment to do no harm to the person, and if you are striving - [Is it possible that certain injustices are so serious that the hurts never really heal in those who forgive?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/25/is-it-possible-that-certain-injustices-are-so-serious-that-the-hurts-never-really-heal-in-those-who-forgive/) - It is possible that some residual anger or disappointment or sadness may remain in the forgiver, but if this person has taken the time and patience to truly forgive, then that anger, disappointment, or sadness will not dominate the person. As one forgiver once said to me, “I was very angry with the one who - [I think that to forgive is dangerous because you are sweeping wrongdoing under the rug.  It is a synonym for excusing bad behavior.  How would you respond to this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/25/i-think-that-to-forgive-is-dangerous-because-you-are-sweeping-wrongdoing-under-the-rug-it-is-a-synonym-for-excusing-bad-behavior-how-would-you-respond-to-this/) - When we forgive, we try to see the other person as a person of worth, not because of the wrongdoing, but in spite of this. When we forgive, we separate the person and the action. We accept the other as a worthy person, but we do not accept the unjust action. That action was wrong, - [To me, forgiveness is a sign of smug superiority.  I can say, “I forgive you......see how moral I am and how immoral you are?”  What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/24/to-me-forgiveness-is-a-sign-of-smug-superiority-i-can-say-i-forgive-you-see-how-moral-i-am-and-how-immoral-you-are-what-do-you-think/) - This is an example of false forgiveness. As the philosopher, Joanna North, says, when we forgive, we lower ourselves in humility so that the other and we as forgivers are seen as both people of worth. This certainly is not smugness. - [Regarding my earlier question about people just doing the best that they can, might the environment play a big part in a person’s bad behavior?  For example, let us suppose a person who grows up in poverty, oppressed, and hated by others.  This fills him with dread and hatred.  When he then acts badly (let us say he murders an innocent person), is he truly responsible for this misbehavior, given how the environment has beaten him down?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/24/regarding-my-earlier-question-about-people-just-doing-the-best-that-they-can-might-the-environment-play-a-big-part-in-a-persons-bad-behavior-for-example-let-us-suppose-a-person-who-g/) - Your thinking is too narrow, what philosophers call reductionistic, by looking exclusively at the environment. I do not disagree that the environment played a part, even a large part, in this person’s rage. Yet, is there now one and only one response that can be made: murder? No. This person has many options including seeking - [Some philosophers say that everyone is always doing the best that he or she can when acting badly.  Do you agree or disagree and why?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/24/some-philosophers-say-that-everyone-is-always-doing-the-best-that-he-or-she-can-when-acting-badly-do-you-agree-or-disagree-and-why/) - I disagree because some people do say that they know what they are doing is wrong and they go ahead anyway. Consider a person who murders another. Often, when being sentenced in a court of law, convicted people admit severe wrongdoing that was willed. The person currently is sorry, but at the time, now self-admittedly, - [What Moral Virtue Underlies Forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/09/21/what-moral-virtue-underlies-forgiving/) - Some say the underlying moral virtue of forgiveness is respect as we see the worth in others. I make the claim in the book, The Forgiving Life, that the deepest moral virtue underlying forgiveness is love, particularly agape. Here is an excerpt on agape from The Forgiving Life (2012): Love, properly understood, reaches higher and - [When I try to forgive my partner, and look into his past, I sometimes get angrier than before.  I say to myself, “What am I doing!?”  In other words, I still see the other’s behavior as unacceptable and this makes me angry.  What do you suggest?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/31/when-i-try-to-forgive-my-partner-and-look-into-his-past-i-sometimes-get-angrier-than-before-i-say-to-myself-what-am-i-doing-in-other-words-i-still-see-the-other/) - When you look toward the person’s past, do you slip into the error of excusing what the other did? If you see that you are trying to excuse, that could make you angrier. After all, past hurts are no excuse to hurt others. If you can resist excusing and from a position of truly calling - [I have forgiven my ex-partner.  She does not want to reconcile.  I want to reconcile.  So, I keep forgiving in the hope of reconciliation.  Is it ok to forgive with my goal of a possible reconciliation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/31/i-have-forgiven-my-ex-partner-she-does-not-want-to-reconcile-i-want-to-reconcile-so-i-keep-forgiving-in-the-hope-of-reconciliation-is-it-ok-to-forgive-with-my-goal-of-a-po/) - Yes, you can offer overtures of forgiving from a distance, but please be careful that you do not use forgiving as a manipulation of the other’s feelings. When you forgive, try to make the motivation the other’s well-being. Try to forgive for the other and not for what you can get out of this. Respect - [I think I have forgiven my partner for certain insensitive comments.  Yet, whenever this topic arises again, I find that I get angry all over again.  Does this mean I have not forgiven?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/31/i-think-i-have-forgiven-my-partner-for-certain-insensitive-comments-yet-whenever-this-topic-arises-again-i-find-that-i-get-angry-all-over-again-does-this-mean-i-have-not-forgiven/) - It depends on your level of anger when the situation is mentioned again. Do you get very angry? On a 1 to 10 scale, are you up near the 9 and 10 range, or is the anger more manageable, say, in the 3 or 4 range? It is common to have some anger left over - [What’s the difference between just letting out my anger and forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/31/whats-the-difference-between-just-letting-out-my-anger-and-forgiving/) - “Just letting out” your anger is known as catharsis. It can temporarily lead to some relief of the anger, but if this is your exclusive path for dealing with anger, you could, without realizing it is happening, make this letting-out a habit and this can intensify anger. Forgiveness, in contrast, softens the anger as you - [My friend recently told me that she approached her partner, telling him that she is forgiving him for her own sake, and not for his.  Is this true forgiveness?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/31/my-friend-recently-told-me-that-she-approached-her-partner-telling-him-that-she-is-forgiving-him-for-her-own-sake-and-not-for-his-is-this-true-forgiveness/) - It seems to me that your friend is using forgiveness in this case as a weapon against her partner. Her statement to him is implying that she is concerned about herself as a person, not about him as a person. True forgiveness acknowledges the personhood in the other person and offers compassion and kindness, which - [The one who hurt me does not deserve my forgiveness.  What do you think about this?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/30/the-one-who-hurt-me-does-not-deserve-my-forgiveness-what-do-you-think-about-this/) - When you use the word “deserve,” you are focusing on justice. Forgiveness, in contrast, is a moral virtue centered on mercy. The one who hurt you may not “deserve” your forgiveness, but you certainly can have mercy on this person whenever you are ready. - [Might relaxation training work as well as forgiveness when we are angry with other people?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/30/might-relaxation-training-work-as-well-as-forgiveness-when-we-are-angry-with-other-people/) - Relaxation training is good for reducing anger and stress, but it focuses mostly on the anger and stress as symptoms. Relaxation, at least temporarily as you practice it, can reduce that anger and stress. Yet, once you are no longer relaxing, the anger and stress can build up again. Forgiveness, in contrast, does not focus - [Can anger be healthy at times?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/30/can-anger-be-healthy-at-times/) - We can make a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger. When we are first treated unjustly by others, there is a tendency to feel angry, which is a sign of self-respect (people should not be treating you this way) and a sign that you uphold moral standards of right and wrong. In contrast, unhealthy anger - [My friend was treated unjustly, but she is not open to the idea of forgiveness when I suggest it to her.  What would you suggest?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/30/my-friend-was-treated-unjustly-but-she-is-not-open-to-the-idea-of-forgiveness-when-i-suggest-it-to-her-what-would-you-suggest/) - I would start by gently asking your friend what her definition of forgiveness is. She may have some incorrect assumptions about what it is. For example, she might think that to forgive is to give into other people’s demands. If you can assist her in forming a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and is - [I frequently hear the term “student loan forgiveness.”  Is this genuine forgiveness or something else?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/30/i-frequently-hear-the-term-student-loan-forgiveness-is-this-genuine-forgiveness-or-something-else/) - It is something else because those who cancel debts have not been morally hurt by the students. Student loan forgiveness instead is a legal move, not the exercise of being good to those who are not good to the ones who cancel the debt. Forgiveness, in contrast, is a moral virtue of goodness toward those - [Please help me get organized with my forgiving.  I have to forgive my father, my sister, my current boss, and even some kids who bullied me when I was a teenager.  Where do I begin?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/29/please-help-me-get-organized-with-my-forgiving-i-have-to-forgive-my-father-my-sister-my-current-boss-and-even-some-kids-who-bullied-me-when-i-was-a-teenager-where-do-i-begin/) - In my book, The Forgiving Life, I discuss The Forgiveness Landscape. I ask people to make an inventory of all people, across the forgiver’s life, who have hurt the forgiver. Then the forgiver rates the degree of current hurt and anger toward each of these persons on a 1 to 10 scale. The forgiver then - [One more request about the reliability and validity of one of your forgiveness scales.  Can you recommend one article that addresses the psychometric properties of your self-forgiveness inventory?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/29/one-more-request-about-the-reliability-and-validity-of-one-of-your-forgiveness-scales-can-you-recommend-one-article-that-addresses-the-psychometric-properties-of-your-self-forgiveness-inventory/) - Yes, and here is that reference: Kim, J., Volk, F., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Validating the Enright Self-Forgiveness Inventory (ESFI). Current Psychology - [Thank you for the information on the Enright Forgiveness Inventory short form. Do you have similar psychometric information for your Enright Group Forgiveness Inventory? I appreciate the help.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/29/thank-you-for-the-information-on-the-enright-forgiveness-inventory-short-form-do-you-have-similar-psychometric-information-for-your-enright-group-forgiveness-inventory-i-appreciate-the-help/) - Yes, here is a journal article that addresses the measurement properties of the group forgiveness scale: Enright, R.D., Johnson, J., Fu, N., Erzar, T., Hirshberg, M., Huang, T., Klatt, J., Lee, D., Boateng, B., Boggs, P., Hsiao, T.-E., Olson, C., Shu, M.L., Song, J., Wu, P., & Zhang ,B. (2020). Measuring intergroup forgiveness: The Enright - [I would like to use your Enright Forgiveness Inventory short form in my research.  Can you suggest one journal article that shows the reliability and validity of this scale?  If this can be in a variety of countries, this is all the better.  Thank you in advance.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/29/i-would-like-to-use-your-enright-forgiveness-inventory-short-form-in-my-research-can-you-suggest-one-journal-article-that-shows-the-reliability-and-validity-of-this-scale-if-this-can-be/) - Click here for a published journal article that shows the psychometric properties of this scale in different countries: Enright, R., Rique, J., Lustosa, R., Song, M. J. Y., Komoski, M. C., Batool, I., Bolt, D. Sung, H. J., Huang, S. T., Park, H., Leer-Salvesen, P. E., Andrade, T., Naeem, A., Viray, J., Costuna, E. (2021). - [Forgive and forget.  I hear that a lot.  When you forgive, do you literally forget?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/28/forgive-and-forget-i-hear-that-a-lot-when-you-forgive-do-you-literally-forget/) - When you forgive, you do not develop moral amnesia. You remember what happened, but you now remember in new ways, without the buildup of anger that persists. So, think of forgiving as not literally forgetting, but as you look back you remember without all the pain and discontent. - [I read where I can forgive in as little as a few hours.  I have been deeply hurt by one of my parents.  Will a few hours do it for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/28/i-read-where-i-can-forgive-in-as-little-as-a-few-hours-i-have-been-deeply-hurt-by-one-of-my-parents-will-a-few-hours-do-it-for-me/) - I do not recommend that you create the expectation that forgiveness, when you are deeply hurt by others, can be accomplished in a few hours. As an analogy, suppose you break your leg. You need time for that to heal, including time for rehabilitation. Think of deep injustices against you as wounds of the heart. - [How do forgiving and reconciling differ?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/28/how-do-forgiving-and-reconciling-differ/) - Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you, through your own free will, offer compassion, benevolence, and love toward a person or persons who treated you badly. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together in mutual trust. You can forgive from the - [If I forgive, might I become obsessed with what happened? After all, as I focus on this, I may become fixated on it.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/28/if-i-forgive-might-i-become-obsessed-with-what-happened-after-all-as-i-focus-on-this-i-may-become-fixated-on-it/) - No, actually, the science shows that as you truly forgive, you are able to give up the anger that you have had. It is the discontent and the anger that contribute to a “fixation” that can last for years. Forgiving melts away that resentment and allows you to be free inside of the negative feelings - [My partner keeps telling me to forgive him and “just move on.” He hurt me big-time and so it is not so easy to just “move on.” I am not ready yet to truly forgive because, to me, this takes time. Is this what forgiveness is, “just moving on”?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/28/my-partner-keeps-telling-me-to-forgive-him-and-just-move-on-he-hurt-me-big-time-and-so-it-is-not-so-easy-to-just-move-on-i-am-not-ready-yet-to-truly-forgive-bec/) - You are correct to be hesitant about forgiveness being “just moving on.” This is a mistake in that it reduces forgiveness to what it is not. You can move on with cold indifference toward the one who acted unjustly. When you forgive, you strive to see the humanity in the other, not because of what - [Forgiveness Can Expand Your Vision](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/08/28/forgiveness-can-expand-your-vision/) - When we are consistently angry over deep injustices against us, it can narrow our vision. We think about the person and what happened, we dream about the person, we can become preoccupied with the past. In contrast, when we forgive, we see both a more complete person in the one who acted badly and an - [What Are the Implications for Forgiveness if We Take the Materialist Perspective that Free Will Does Not Exist?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/29/what-are-the-implications-for-forgiveness-if-we-take-the-materialist-perspective-that-free-will-does-not-exist/) - Nine years ago, I was asked this same question. It is starting to arise again as people consider the materialist philosophy that circumstances and issues other than free will choices determine how people behave. I introduce my answer from 2014 here and add to it. The conclusion remains: Free will is necessary if we are - [What is the difference between transcending one’s anger and forgiving?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/31/what-is-the-difference-between-transcending-ones-anger-and-forgiving/) - You can transcend your anger and still have condemning thoughts toward someone who was unfair to you. In other words, getting rid of the anger does not mean that you are focusing goodwill toward this other person. Forgiveness is person-centered. If the anger is transcended without a thought about the other, this is not forgiveness. - [If I am not angry or disappointed at the other’s actions, is forgiveness even appropriate? My partner is, what he calls himself, “lazy.” He is correct about this. He often does not get done what he has promised. He asks me to forgive him, but without the anger, can I do that?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/31/if-i-am-not-angry-or-disappointed-at-the-others-actions-is-forgiveness-even-appropriate-my-partner-is-what-he-calls-himself-lazy-he-is-correct-about-this-he-often-d/) - Forgiveness is being good to those who have not been good to you, without excusing the wrong. Both of you agree that his lack of promise-keeping is morally wrong. Therefore, you can forgive even if you are not angry or disappointed. For example, if you see him in a negative light as a person, part - [I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be hurt by a co-worker. He kept giving himself credit for work we did together. I did not find out about this until after he already had done this with our boss. What would you recommend? Should I forgive myself?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/30/i-am-angry-with-myself-for-allowing-myself-to-be-hurt-by-a-co-worker-he-kept-giving-himself-credit-for-work-we-did-together-i-did-not-find-out-about-this-until-after-he-already-had-done-this-with/) - When people are angry with themselves, it is appropriate to engage in self-forgiveness, but only if they truly see the actions as morally wrong. In your case, you were not even aware that your co-worker was taking credit for your work. I think you need to forgive your co-worker rather than forgive yourself because you - [My friend was abandoned by her partner. She still is not recovered because she is very angry. Is it better if she starts to forgive once she settles down with her anger or is it better to go ahead now with forgiving, as she is motivated to do so?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/30/my-friend-was-abandoned-by-her-partner-she-still-is-not-recovered-because-she-is-very-angry-is-it-better-if-she-starts-to-forgive-once-she-settles-down-with-her-anger-or-is-it-better-to-go-ahead-n/) - Most people need a time to be angry and to adjust to the trauma of injustice before starting the forgiveness process. At the same time, if a person has settled down to some extent and is still angry, the forgiveness process can aid in the reducing of that anger. So, a central question is this: - [I have to admit that I am kind of afraid to forgive. I don’t want to “look suffering in the eye.” What would be your recommendation for me?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/29/i-have-to-admit-that-i-am-kind-of-afraid-to-forgive-i-dont-want-to-look-suffering-in-the-eye-what-would-be-your-recommendation-for-me/) - Many people are afraid to examine their own degree of suffering or even their degree of anger because they see no solution once they “look suffering in the eye” (or anger in the eye). Please remember that forgiveness is a strong solution to suffering and anger and so it is all right for you to - [I work hard on forgiveness, but sometimes I get to a week in which I do not want to even think about it or what happened to me. During these times, what can I do to not feel guilty or uncomfortable about setting forgiveness aside?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/29/i-work-hard-on-forgiveness-but-sometimes-i-get-to-a-week-in-which-i-do-not-want-to-even-think-about-it-or-what-happened-to-me-during-these-times-what-can-i-do-to-not-feel-guilty-or-uncomfortable-ab-4/) - Let us take an analogy here. Suppose you have a physical fitness regimen. Do you work out every week for an entire year or do you take some time off to refresh, to heal, to re-group? Physical trainers tell us to take some time off. It is good for us. Think of becoming forgivingly fit - [I have refused to forgive a good friend for betraying a secret. Now I am annoyed with myself for not forgiving her. What would you recommend in this complicated situation?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/29/i-have-refused-to-forgive-a-good-friend-for-betraying-a-secret-now-i-am-annoyed-with-myself-for-not-forgiving-her-what-would-you-recommend-in-this-complicated-situation/) - It seems that you are ready to forgive your friend based on what you are saying. So, starting this forgiveness journey toward her seems reasonable now. You also could then start to forgive yourself because, as you say, you are annoyed with yourself for not moving forward yet with forgiving her. - [Would you classify forgiveness as a skill or as a moral virtue?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/28/would-you-classify-forgiveness-as-a-skill-or-as-a-moral-virtue/) - There is more to forgiveness than a skill. A skill suggests expertise in action, such as shooting free throws accurately in basketball. Forgiveness is more nuanced than that. Its basic difference with a skill is this: Forgiveness is not just the execution of accuracy. Instead, it is a willed and rational focus on the good - [A friend of mine said that as she forgives, she is worried that it might lower her self-esteem because as she focuses on the one who was unjust, she will be reliving the pain and the put-downs from the other person. What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/28/a-friend-of-mine-said-that-as-she-forgives-she-is-worried-that-it-might-lower-her-self-esteem-because-as-she-focuses-on-the-one-who-was-unjust-she-will-be-reliving-the-pain-and-the-put-downs-from-th/) - There is a paradox of forgiving in that as you reach out to others with forgiveness, offering a second chance as well as kindness and love, it is you, the giver, who heals. Scientific studies have demonstrated the validity of this paradox. - [It seems to me that forgiveness should not happen until the one who acted badly repents. We as forgivers then are showing concern for the other as we withhold the forgiving until this person changes behavior toward the good. So, unconditional forgiving, offering it prior to the other’s repentance is not the way to go. What do you think?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/28/it-seems-to-me-that-forgiveness-should-not-happen-until-the-one-who-acted-badly-repents-we-as-forgivers-then-are-showing-concern-for-the-other-as-we-withhold-the-forgiving-until-this-person-changes/) - You can forgive and then support the person in repenting and changing behavior. There is no rule of human behavior that states that a person cannot repent once you initiate forgiveness toward that person. - [I have seen the criticism that forgiveness can be soft on crime. In other words, a forgiving heart might make people think that prisons are no longer needed, but it all comes down to compassion and rehabilitation. I think this is dangerous thinking because some people simply behave badly no matter how compassionately we respond to them.](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/27/i-have-seen-the-criticism-that-forgiveness-can-be-soft-on-crime-in-other-words-a-forgiving-heart-might-make-people-think-that-prisons-are-no-longer-needed-but-it-all-comes-down-to-compassion-and-r/) - This argument confuses forgiveness and legal pardon. A person can forgive and see that it is important that a person, who remains a danger to society, stays in a correctional institution. - [Why is it important for me as the forgiver to see that the one who offended me and I share a common humanity?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/27/why-is-it-important-for-me-as-the-forgiver-to-see-that-the-one-who-offended-me-and-i-share-a-common-humanity/) - It is important so that you do not dismiss this person as less than you are. Both of you are persons and because each person is special, unique, and irreplaceable, this perspective can change our views of the other from condemnation to the idea that this is a person even when behaving badly. This may - [I have a follow-up question to the one I asked you about the Global Perspective. Because the Global Perspective, or seeing the common humanity between the one who was unfair and me, seems kind of abstract, will it take a long time for me to engage in the exercises of the Global Perspective?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/27/i-have-a-follow-up-question-to-the-one-i-asked-you-about-the-global-perspective-because-the-global-perspective-or-seeing-the-common-humanity-between-the-one-who-was-unfair-and-me-seems-kind-of-abs/) - Just because the Global Perspective is more abstract than the Personal Perspective, this does not mean that it will necessarily take you longer to work through this perspective. This is the case because, as I explained in my earlier response to you, this perspective is quite accessible as you see a common humanity between the - [You talk of what you call a Global Perspective when trying to understand who the person is who acted unjustly toward me. Could you explain a little more about what this Global Perspective is?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/26/you-talk-of-what-you-call-a-global-perspective-when-trying-to-understand-who-the-person-is-who-acted-unjustly-toward-me-could-you-explain-a-little-more-about-what-this-global-perspective-is/) - The Global Perspective asks the forgiver to see what all people share in common. For example, each person has unique DNA, except for identical twins, who still are not the exact same because of different experiences in life. Therefore, each person is unique and this uniqueness makes each person special and irreplaceable. This is true - [I have a question about what you call the Cosmic Perspective when a person is trying to forgive and to understand the one who behaved badly. You say that this perspective is for those who have a transcendent perspective or a religious perspective. Can you think of how a non-religious person can appropriated the Cosmic Perspective?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/26/i-have-a-question-about-what-you-call-the-cosmic-perspective-when-a-person-is-trying-to-forgive-and-to-understand-the-one-who-behaved-badly-you-say-that-this-perspective-is-for-those-who-have-a-tran/) - Not all people who do not have a religious perspective want to take the Cosmic Perspective. For those who have an interest, I would recommend that they start by focusing on the non-concreted aspects of people, particularly the mind and rationality. The materialist philosophical perspective to date has not been able to account for the - [What if the one who hurt me is not well known to me. How can I come to understand this person? Do I have to make something up about this person?](https://internationalforgiveness.com/2023/07/26/what-if-the-one-who-hurt-me-is-not-well-known-to-me-how-can-i-come-to-understand-this-person-do-i-have-to-make-something-up-about-this-person/) - We help people walk through three different perspectives toward the one who was unfair to them: the Personal, Global, and Cosmic Perspectives. The Personal Perspective i