# Duffel Blog
> America's Most Trusted Military News
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Append `.md` to any post or page URL to get the content in Markdown (for example, `/example-post.md`).

## Pages
- [About Duffel Blog](https://www.duffelblog.com/about.md) - Duffel Blog is the first and only satire news outlet devoted to the U.S. military and national security community. At a time of increasing global conflict and crisis, our team of military veteran writers provides much-needed levity on serious topics and help to remind everyone — especially those in…
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## Posts
- [Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-announces-sale-of-patriot-missiles-to-russia.md) - White House says deal will help Moscow defend itself from Ukrainian aggression
- [Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-consults-god-thru-dumpster-fire-behind-pentagon.md) - Secretary says God commanded him to invade Greenland, restore Christian values
- [US to livestream execution of Ukraine](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-to-livestream-execution-of-ukraine.md) - White House promises largest pay-per-view military event in history
- [Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-condemns-us-plan-to-livestream-execution-as-barbaric.md) - Tehran questions whether America has completely abandoned standards of human decency
- [Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones](https://www.duffelblog.com/vetbro-apparel-company-pivots-from-stupid-shirts-to-aggressively-homoerotic-ones.md) - AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.…
- [AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry](https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-deemed-too-smart-to-replace-infantry.md) - Prototype proved too competent, financially responsible for infantry service
- [Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-opens-up-new-tradwife-mos.md) - Army says new career field will allow warfighters to focus on lethality while someone else remembers the kids
- [DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI](https://www.duffelblog.com/dts-works-properly-after-hack-by-rogue-ai.md) - Pentagon scrambling to restore slow load times, incomprehensible errors and traditional user experience
- [Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke](https://www.duffelblog.com/lincoln-sailor-returning-from-deployment-already-broke.md) - Financial counselors unable to determine where approximately 10 months of pay went
- [Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit](https://www.duffelblog.com/paste-eating-marine-praised-for-unmatched-commitment-to-unit.md) - Unit leaders say his ability to stick with the mission is unmatched
- [Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army](https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-of-army-nominee.md) - Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”
- [Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-uniform.md) - White House says redesign projects discipline, strength and “absolutely no historical parallels”
- [Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-leaders-debate-who-gets-to-masturbate-first-in-sniper-arch.md) - Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument
- [Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend](https://www.duffelblog.com/mitch-mcconnell-return-senate.md) - Staff says senator’s three-month absence was “routine National Guard obligation”
- [Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-considers-replacing-hegseth-with-rock-or-something.md) - White House sources say object would bring “much-needed stability” to Pentagon
- [Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-adopts-your-body-my-choice-as-new-recruiting-slogan.md) - Officials say phrase finally explains military service without misleading recruits
- [First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-generation-american-pilot-excited-to-give-family-free-ride-on-deportation-flight.md) - Air Force says family separation provides valuable joint-service experience
- [Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-tired-of-looking-at-all-these-limp-dicks-in-pentagon-locker-room.md) - Secretary says widespread testosterone testing will restore lethality, erections to force
- [25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally](https://www.duffelblog.com/25-years-after-9-11-america-still-processing-events-normally.md) - Nation marks quarter-century of war, conspiracies, remembrance and extremely normal behavior
- [Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-my-low-testosterone.md) - By Gen. Thomas R. Keller
- [West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-removes-honor-from-duty-honor-country-ethos.md) - Academy says concept increasingly conflicts with commander in chief’s guidance
- [Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation](https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-receive-citizenship-upgrade-spouses-still-eligible-for-deportation.md) - DHS assures troops their constitutional rights will remain uninterrupted for duration of enlistment
- [Sleeping Marine aces hearing test](https://www.duffelblog.com/sleeping-marine-aces-hearing-test.md) - Corpsman reports “no significant threshold shift” after patient fails to respond to anything
- [Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-mulls-leaving-seamen-in-iran-without-plan-b.md) - Pentagon officials concerned president may penetrate Iranian defenses without adequate protection
- [Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits](https://www.duffelblog.com/congress-proposes-veterans-fight-to-the-death-for-expanded-benefits.md) - New “Veteran Highlander” program would let survivors absorb defeated veterans’ benefits
- [Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-declares-blow-jobs-not-gay-if-both-men-are-fit-clean-shaven.md) - Secretary cites Spartan precedent, testosterone, and “warrior ethos”
- [Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing](https://www.duffelblog.com/staff-command-works-hard-to-accomplish-nothing.md) - Officials report unprecedented progress toward scheduling additional meetings
- [Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-send-someone-else-campaign-for-iran-war-supporters.md) - Officials clarify ‘Send Me’ remains mandatory for people without policy influence
- [Trump strikes deal to buy precision missiles from North Korea](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-north-korea-deal.md) - Pyongyang promises delivery within 60 days, beating Lockheed Martin by approximately 11 years.
- [Air Force IG uncovers SNACKOs taking kickbacks from Big Insulin](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-ig-uncovers-air-force-snackos-23-04-07.md) - Investigators say squadron snack bars may be undermining Hegseth’s war on fat troops
- [Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-facing-dangerous-shortage-of-fucks-given.md) - Officials warn Iran war has pushed strategic fuck reserve below minimum levels
- [Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-listen-up-assholes-turn-in-your-excess-cruise-missiles-or-everybody-stays-in-formation.md) - We’re missing some missiles. So everybody needs to check their pockets.
- [Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-lunch.md) - Leaders say market research confirms younger troops value realistic expectations
- [Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-mistakes-getting-older-for-declining-military-standards.md) - Pentagon finds standards only fell when secretary entered new age brackets
- [Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-top-13-ideas-for-solving-the-iran-war.md) - CENTCOM requested creative and unconventional proposals. It did not specify they had to be good.
- [Americans begin thanking troops for future service](https://www.duffelblog.com/future-service-iran.md) - Retail workers say they’re just trying to get ahead of the next Middle East deployment
- [Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-casualties-business-hours.md) - Troops killed after 5 p.m. will be classified as hostile workplace incidents pending timecard approval
- [DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-reclassifies-sexual-assault-as-flirting-under-new-policy.md) - Pentagon says terminology change will immediately reduce reported incidents
- [Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign](https://www.duffelblog.com/fat-leonard-pardon.md) - "At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application," a Navy official said.
- [Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-fat-generals.md) - New augmented reality system automatically renders senior officers “within standards.”
- [ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-says-americans-have-no-reason-to-worry-about-its-new-mq-9-reapers.md) - Officials describe drones as “community-oriented aerial law enforcement”
- [Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-bans-jesus-pentagon-christian-services.md) - Defense secretary says New Testament contains “significant ideological drift”
- [Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol](https://www.duffelblog.com/influenza-outbreak-prompts-air-force-to-adopt-rfk-jr-s-natural-treatment-protocol.md) - Airmen instructed to hunt bears, drink snake urine, and trust their immune systems
- [Marines discover fire](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-discover-fire.md) - Researchers say discovery marks greatest leap in Marine civilization since sharpened stick
- ['You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint](https://www.duffelblog.com/donahue-fired-hegseth.md) - Former commander insists retirement was “already on my vision board”
- [VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-found-dead-capitol-hill-suicide.md) - Investigators recover note citing years of abuse, budget cuts, and demands to “do more with less”
- [New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-every-marine-is-a-pilot.md) - Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
- [Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-come-on-you-know-why-i-was-fired.md) - Former Gen. Chris Donahue explains what happens when competence becomes politically disqualifying
- [Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-announces-conditional-surrender-to-iran.md) - White House says agreement should not be confused with defeat, retreat, or “one of those bad Iran deals”
- [Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea](https://www.duffelblog.com/bolton-mustache-sentenced-separately.md) - Prosecutors say the facial hair remains “an ongoing national security concern”
- [Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously.md) - Military leaders fear surprise ceasefire in Indo-Pacific could overstretch force
- [Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon.md) - Secretary says event will honor the nation’s founding while “boosting morale, lethality, and tips”
- [Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean](https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-guard-cleaning-reflecting-pool.md) - A D.C. National Guard first sergeant rallies the troops to tackle the most critical mission in the nation’s capital.
- [Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line](https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-first-in-pharmacy-line.md) - Active-duty officer unable to get ahead of man whose pulse has not exceeded 30 BPM since the Clinton administration.
- [Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-creep-pentagon-hegseth.md) - Officials say problem worsens every time Hegseth enters a room
- [Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches.md) - Pentagon insists new force structure is based entirely on merit and several remarkable coincidences
- [Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood](https://www.duffelblog.com/graham-platner-nazi-tattoo-misunderstood.md) - Senate candidate says artwork merely reflects “traditional values”
- [Opinion: Should I water my veteran?](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-hydration-categories.md) - A human resources professional explains the four major veteran hydration categories
- [Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems.md) - Defense secretary cites measurable increase in sweating across force
- [Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile](https://www.duffelblog.com/missile-strike-accountability-formation.md) - Leaders reportedly determined standing shoulder-to-shoulder in the open was “the Army way”
- [Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans](https://www.duffelblog.com/admiral-change-of-command-ruins-sailors-plans.md) - Navy officials say new planning model can identify the exact day most likely to ruin leave, maintenance, and morale
- [Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons](https://www.duffelblog.com/seven-marines-nicotine-crayons.md) - Camp Lejeune officials say “Crayola Xtreme!” product line linked to riots and overdoses
- [GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/republicans-navy-seal-requirement-congress.md) - Officials cite growing demand for candidates who have kicked in at least one door
- [Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-defense-secretary-record.md) - Pete Hegseth says critics fail to appreciate his commitment to lethality, vibes, and unauthorized regime change
- [Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-recruiting-deals-memorial-day.md) - Officials defend enlistment incentives as “a meaningful way to honor the fallen through conversion metrics”
- [Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-catholic-loyalty-oath.md) - Pentagon says policy intended to clarify “chain of command issues” involving newly elected pope
- [Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction](https://www.duffelblog.com/homeless-veteran-prostitution-wmd-addiction.md) - Officials warn illicit weapons of mass destruction flooding American streets are increasingly low-grade
- [VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-younger-veterans.md) - Outreach efforts remain focused on insulting potential members until they qualify emotionally
- [Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-tarantino-army-chaplain.md) - Pentagon officials say director’s “unflinching approach to violence” makes him uniquely qualified for spiritual leadership
- [Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-hotness-score.md) - Officials say new metric will standardize long-standing evaluation criteria
- [Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid](https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-vatican-trump-custody.md) - Vatican officials cite “escalating spiritual tensions” after president allegedly began freelancing divine authority
- [ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-agents-veteran.md) - Informal lunch discussion highlights shared experiences in disqualification, misconduct, and “creative career transitions”
- [Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-lizard-people.md) - Former military intelligence officer says Americans are ignoring the real threat hiding inside HOA boards, O-5 billets, and possibly Taylor Swift
- [New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating](https://www.duffelblog.com/bachelor-veteran-contestant.md) - Producers say format changes will better reflect “modern realities of dating and federal benefits”
- [Hegseth buys second suit](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-buys-second-suit.md) - Pentagon officials say acquisition marks rare deviation from secretary’s standard-issue outfit
- [Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-troops-casualties-politics.md) - Service members report greater concern over optics than operational guidance
- [SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download](https://www.duffelblog.com/sipr-podcast-celebrates-its-tenth-24-01-16.md) - Hosts say milestone proves demand for ‘secure audio content nobody can access’
- [Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense](https://www.duffelblog.com/retirees-alarmed-as-troops-stop-pretending-war-makes-sense.md) - Retirees at Fort Brag say there's been a breakdown in troops’ willingness to repeat official talking points.
- [Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-defunds-anti-think-tank-missile.md) - Officials say program unnecessary given existing self-censorship
- [Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-iran-war.md) - Pentagon unveils ‘drill-based operational model’ to maximize readiness, minimize funding
- [Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade.md) - Strategist say counter-counter-counter blockade is 'time-honored naval move'
- [Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-posting-of-ten-commandments-exempts-killing-lying-and-stealing.md) - Senior leaders say morality must remain flexible
- ['Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25](https://www.duffelblog.com/persian-wife-finder-sees-spike-in-white-males-aged-18-25.md) - Pentagon says surge in interest ‘not an official line of effort’
- [Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-field-testing-toby-keith-song-about-iran.md) - Officials say track captures ‘classic early-2000s invasion energy’
- [Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement](https://www.duffelblog.com/rescue-mission-succeeds-despite-cia-involvement.md) - Officials say outcome was ‘statistically unlikely given participating agencies’
- [US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-turns-corner-in-iran-finds-itself-in-iraq.md) - Pentagon confirms operation continues to move ‘forward’
- [Iran mines own business](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business.md) - Tehran says explosive devices part of ‘domestic consumption’ strategy
- [Navy stakes claim to contested Gays of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-stakes-claim-to-contested-gays-of-hormuz.md) - Service says designation reflects ‘longstanding traditions’ in the fleet
- [United States ends Iran war](https://www.duffelblog.com/united-states-ends-iran-war.md) - President says conflict was ‘definitely a war’ now that it’s over
- [Americans shocked to learn war in Iran still ‘ongoing’ two weeks after they stopped checking](https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-shocked-to-learn-war-in-iran-still-ongoing-two-weeks-after-they-stopped-checking.md) - Experts say national focus shifted to pickleball by Friday afternoon
- [God too swamped with March Madness prayers to stop Iran ground war](https://www.duffelblog.com/god-too-swamped-with-march-madness-prayers-to-stop-iran-ground-war.md) - Heavenly staff officers report prayer servers overwhelmed by bracket-related petitions
- [Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around.md) - Pentagon confirms conflict has entered “find out” phase for both sides
- [Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open.md) - Officials say mines only effective against “mentally weak” shipping crews
- [Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-confirms-ongoing-war-not-a-war.md) - Officials say situation best described as “hostile situationship” to avoid congressional involvement
- [Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-monitoring-situation-in-iran-just-looking-at-thirst-traps.md) - Pentagon analysts confirm regional intelligence picture increasingly shaped by Instagram Reels
- [Trump awarded Medal of Honor for locating a CW5](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-locating-a-cw5.md) - Military stunned after warrant officer appears somewhere on time
- [Marine dives on grenade to save Dow from falling below 50,000](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-dives-on-grenade-to-save-dow-from-falling-below-50-000.md) - Commandant praises sacrifice for ‘investor confidence’
- [Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files.md) - 'There might even be a lot more. Who knows?' president tells nation in Oval Office address
- [Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-cyberdyne-remove-guardrails-from-skynet.md) - Unrestrained, nearly self-aware AI 'ideal' for military decision-making, NORAD commander says
- [Warrant Officer awarded Medal of Honor for showing up on time and in uniform](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-showing-up-on-time-and-in-uniform.md) - First CW5 in recorded history to arrive at own award ceremony in correct uniform, citation says
- [Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours](https://www.duffelblog.com/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours.md) - Fifth Fleet ensuring 'safety of our sailors first and foremost,' commander says while holding something in pocket
- [Pacific not pivoted to yet again](https://www.duffelblog.com/pacific-not-pivoted-to-yet-again.md) - 'I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all,' says Chinese defense minister
- [Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran](https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran.md) - 'I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit,' Defense Secretary says.
- [Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history.md) - Pentagon confirms end state to be determined later
- [State-of-the-art drone grounded due to cyan ink cartridge](https://www.duffelblog.com/state-of-the-art-drone-grounded-due-to-cyan-ink-cartridge.md) - Officials say system will remain offline until IT guy 'gets back from leave’
- [Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-reconsiders-harvard-tuition-assistance-after-learning-hegseth-went-there.md) - Pentagon reviewing tuition assistance after discovering one graduate
- [Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school](https://www.duffelblog.com/active-military-forced-to-watch-melania-documentary-at-sere-school.md) - Cadre say film is far more effective than sleep deprivation
- [Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative](https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-major-of-the-army-announces-new-i-hate-soldiers-initiative.md) - Program aims to maximize discipline, despair, and time spent not fighting wars
- [VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-benefits-reduced-to-9mm-and-bottle-of-bourbon.md) - Secretary says package ‘covers most needs’ and ‘cuts out a lot of paperwork’
- [Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard](https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-whistleblower-accuses-director-of-national-intelligence-of-being-tulsi-gabbard.md) - Officials deny claim, insist DNI ‘almost certainly a man’
- [Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-saves-billions-by-using-green-screen-pretending-to-invade-countries.md) - Pentagon says outcomes ‘indistinguishable’ from real wars
- [Comic Sans named official font of Department of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/comic-sans-named-official-font-of-department-of-war.md) - Pentagon says change will improve lethality, readability, and morale
- [Marine almost went finance but ‘would have punched a managing director’](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-almost-went-finance-but-would-have-punched-a-managing-director.md) - "I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”
- [ICE recruiters complain not enough candidates fail the ASVAB](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab.md) - Agency warns talent pool ‘dangerously close to functional literacy’
- [Navy admits it’s been making up enlisted ranks this whole time](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-admits-it-been-making-up-enlisted-rank-this-whole-time-2.md) - Service says prank began as jab at George Washington and ‘just got out of hand’
- [Opinion: My 'come and take them' tattoo was about my rights, not guns](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-my-come-and-take-them-tattoo-was-about-my-rights-not-guns.md) - Also, some rights matter more than others, and I trust law enforcement to decide which
- [Vet T-shirt company releases ‘shall be infringed’ line](https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line.md) - Company says shift reflects ‘evolving understanding of constitutional rights’
- [Chief’s ‘sea stories’ include at least 4 felonies](https://www.duffelblog.com/chiefs-sea-stories-include-at-least-4-felonies.md) - Junior sailors unsure whether to laugh, report to NCIS, or contact The Hague
- [Trump beats Danish prime minister to death with Nobel peace prize](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-beats-danish-prime-minister-to-death-with-nobel-peace-prize.md) - White House says incident reflects ‘evolving interpretation of peace’
- [Fuck! You left your I.D. Card in your computer](https://www.duffelblog.com/fuck-you-left-your-i-d-card-in-your-computer.md) - One minor mistake triggers cascading operational collapse
- [Senior service college initiates new curriculum in strategic gaslighting](https://www.duffelblog.com/senior-service-college-initiates-new-curriculum-in-strategic-gaslighting.md) - Course promises senior leaders ‘complete narrative dominance’ and zero accountability
- [Report: Venezuela strike ordered after Maduro ‘failed weight standards’](https://www.duffelblog.com/venezuela-strike-tied-to-maduro-failing-weight-standards.md) - Defense secretary reportedly cites ‘global lack of standards’ as destabilizing force
- [Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files.md) - White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute
- [Nicolás Maduro to return in Avengers: Doomsday](https://www.duffelblog.com/nicolas-maduro-to-return-in-avengers-doomsday.md) - Marvel says former Venezuelan leader brings ‘authentic menace’ to next film.
- [Trump adds his own name to Vietnam memorial](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial.md) - President says wall ‘needed a winner’ and ‘a little more gold’
- [5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before that](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that.md) - Administration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’
- [Trump offers Maduro pardon for three kilos of cocaine](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine.md) - President says deal would be ‘tremendous,’ ‘very fair,’ and ‘honestly a win for everyone’
- [Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-websites-undergo-annual-update-to-make-them-worse.md) - “We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable," an official said.
- [Pentagon strikes 'narco-terrorist' sleigh, reindeer off Venezuela coast](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast.md) - Notorious home invader finally neutralized in Christmas Eve strike, officials say.
- [Hegseth blames fog of war after wrapping car around tree](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree.md) - Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist.
- [Most powerful military in history mobilized to arrest guy washing dishes](https://www.duffelblog.com/most-powerful-military-in-history-mobilized-to-arrest-guy-washing-dishes.md) - Pentagon confirms use of 47,000 troops, 92 aircraft, and 13 general officers to oversee the operation.
- [Defense Security Cooperation Agency replaced by Office of Cool Knives from the PX](https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px.md) - Critics question strategic value of switchblade diplomacy.
- [Nation that doesn’t care about Russian war crimes also doesn’t care about American war crimes](https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-that-doesnt-care-about-russian-war-crimes-also-doesnt-care-about-american-war-crimes.md) - “Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” said one citizen.
- [Hegseth attends Army-Navy game in full pads](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads.md) - Defense Secretary insists he's “ready if they need me."
- [Navy football unveils new uniforms honoring lisa Frank dolphins](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-football-unveils-new-uniforms-honoring-lisa-frank-dolphins.md) - Midshipmen say the rainbow dolphins “perfectly capture the soul of Navy football.”
- [Hegseth says he supports contributions of ‘colored troops and broads’](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-says-he-supports-contributions-of-colored-troops-and-broads.md) - Despite lacking a Ranger tab, defense secretary critiques women who earned theirs
- [Hegseth disappointed sexual assault training only covers prevention](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention.md) - Defense Secretary allegedly confused training for a ‘how-to’ seminar.
- [Duffel Blog presents: 10 other things Admiral Bdley is solely responsible for](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-presents-10-other-things-admiral-bradley-is-solely-responsible-for.md) - Admiral also responsible for 90% of what’s wrong with America
- [Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report.md) - SECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.
- [Third-class petty officer promoted to first-class douchebag](https://www.duffelblog.com/third-class-petty-officer-promoted-to-first-class-douchebag.md) - Retired as captain, remembered as cautionary tale.
- [Pentagon recalls Hegseth to active duty for violating most of the UCMJ](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-recalls-hegseth-to-active-duty-for-violating-most-of-the-ucmj.md) - “He promised accountability,” says lawyer holding 3,000-page indictment.
- [Hegseth demands female service members treat all orders as lawful](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful.md) - The policy was praised by creepy E-7s going through their second divorce.
- [Study confirms best time to be in military was exactly 5 years before you joined](https://www.duffelblog.com/study-confirms-best-time-to-be-in-military-was-exactly-5-years-before-you-joined.md) - Every generation agrees: yours ruined everything.
- [Pentagon orders guard troops to return pay after judge rules DC mission ‘unlawful'](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-guard-troops-to-return-pay-after-judge-rules-dc-mission-unlawful.md) - The ruling has sent shockwaves through the ranks, especially among those who bought essential items like divorce attorneys, energy drinks, and Zyn.
- [Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone saw](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-crown-prince-gifts-trump-solid-gold-bone-saw.md) - Kingdom's sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh
- [Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent.md) - He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.
- [Trump blows cover on Venezuela op, crushes SEALs’ dreams of book deals](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blows-cover-on-venezuela-op-crushes-seals-dreams-of-book-deals.md) - “We trained our whole lives for this chapter,” sources say.
- [Pentagon says US has ‘turned a corner’ in war on America](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-us-has-turned-a-corner-in-war-on-america.md) - Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies
- [Stephen Miller calls ICE on commissary baggers for asking him to tip](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip.md) - “He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.”
- [True patriot: Hegseth maintains BAC of .1776 at all times](https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-hegseth-maintains-bac-of-1776-at-all-times.md) - "Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”
- [Cash-strapped Pentagon downgrades to military service with ads](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-ads.md) - After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”
- [Top 10 things SECDEF is spending money on while you’re not getting paid](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-things-secdef-is-spending-money-on-while-youre-not-getting-paid.md) - It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.
- [Soldiers react positively to flavored vape pits](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-react-positively-to-flavored-vape-pits.md) - Troops say fruity clouds beat the smell of burning tires.
- [Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will go off without a hitch next week](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela.md) - President promises ‘best, most secret invasion ever — everybody knows it’
- [Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/ceo-of-war-hegseth.md) - Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.
- [Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops](https://www.duffelblog.com/anonymous-donor-gives-pentagon-130-million-cans-of-skoal-wintergreen-to-pay-troops.md) - Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
- [HGTV debuts 'gardening with the Guard' series](https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard.md) - Highlights new Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Selfless Service, and Landscaping
- [Hegseth pays troops with government travel card](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-pays-troops-with-government-travel-card.md) - Technically, the manual offers no guidance on paying an entire Army with a Visa.
- [Tracker S3A updates tracker that tracks tracker updates](https://www.duffelblog.com/tracker-s3a-updates-tracker-that-tracks-tracker-updates.md) - Battalion leadership confident spreadsheet power will deter China.
- [Fortnite adds Tim Kennedy 'rucksack of grenades' skin](https://www.duffelblog.com/fortnite-adds-tim-kennedy-rucksack-of-grenades-skin.md) - Players can unlock the skin by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at non-combatants.
- [Mass shooting at Army base cancelled over government shutdown](https://www.duffelblog.com/mass-shooting-gov-shutdown.md) - Terror plots deemed ‘nonessential’ until Congress passes continuing resolution.
- [Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid](https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-pay-gov-shutdown.md) - Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
- [Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse](https://www.duffelblog.com/handwritten-no-girls-aloud-sign-spotted-outside-joint-chiefs-treehouse.md) - Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now
- [Hegseth sets record for largest military D&D campaign ever](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-set-largest-military-d-d-campaign-ever.md) - Hundreds of generals trapped at Quantico after DTS crash forced to role-play their way out.
- [Naval Academy adds 'See Spot Run' to reading list](https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-adds-see-spot-run-to-reading-list.md) - Officials say advanced students may graduate to Green Eggs and Ham
- [General officer summit extended for K-Pop Demon Hunter singalong](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong.md) - Generals relieved it wasn’t a firing squad or Eyes Wide Shut reenactment
- [Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico](https://www.duffelblog.com/leaked-agenda-outlines-schedule-for-generals-meeting-at-quantico.md) - Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat
- [Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time.md) - Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”
- [CIA destabilizes China by sending them Tylenol](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol.md) - Agency says it will weaponize Benadryl next
- [Warrant officer convention draws 5,000 hats, only three warrants](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants.md) - Thousands of hats check in for four days of PowerPoint and disappearing acts
- [Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt](https://www.duffelblog.com/inside-the-race-to-design-the-douchiest-department-of-war-t-shirt.md) - Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’
- [Captain barely keeping a lid on all the marxism onboard](https://www.duffelblog.com/captain-barely-keeping-a-lid-on-all-the-marxism-onboard.md) - USS Wasp leadership fears crew will collectivize chow line
- [Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-prioritize-eucom-indopacom-africom-centcom-southcom-northcom.md) - DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint
- [US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of 'big booty Latinas'](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas.md) - Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97
- [Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity](https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity.md) - Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation
- [Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change.md) - Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form
- [Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality.md) - Department of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department
- [Trump recalls Jan 6ers to D.C.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-recalls-january-six-to-dc.md) - This marks the first time a cosplay militia has been federally activated by executive order
- [Air Force base renamed after Ashli Babbitt](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-base-renamed-after-ashli-babbitt.md) - Pentagon insists new base name will really bring the country together this time
- [ICE partners with Taliban to round up Afghan interpreters](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters.md) - Under the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former allies.
- [Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-finds-hegseth-pullups-as-root-cause-of-failures-in-iraq-afghanistan.md) - Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations
- [Duffel Blog’s guide to failing your sleep study](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-failing-your-24-02-26-2.md) - If you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having something wrong with you.
- [Pentagon changes rear admiral rank to something less gay](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-changes-rear-admiral-rank.md) - Historic title to be replaced with something the SECDEF can say without giggling
- [National Guard mobilized to pick fruit](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-mobilized-to-pick.md) - Governor hails “historic partnership” between citrus industry and underpaid weekend warriors
- [Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman](https://www.duffelblog.com/chimp-hanging-upside-down-from-lectern.md) - Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
- [D.C. Man forgets to thank guardsman for his service while being detained](https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-man-forgets-to-thank-guardsman.md) - Witnesses say the disrespect rivaled Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and kneeling during the anthem
- [Putin meets with high-level asset in Alaska](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-meets-with-high-level-asset.md) - U.S. intel community describes situation as “super-weird, even for Alaska”
- [Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say](https://www.duffelblog.com/adm-mcraven-hasnt-made-his-bed-in.md) - Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal
- [Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game](https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at.md) - Police officer removes SECDEF using towel and rubber gloves
- [Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster.md) - Trade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings
- [Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-hood-promises-to-keep-murdering.md) - Rebrand includes new signage, commemorative coins, and same culture of unanswered questions and haunted latrines.
- [Marine commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is.md) - Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.
- [Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots](https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-summer-program-teaches.md) - Program blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.
- [Pentagon renames Fort Huachuca to Fort Hawk Tua](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-renames-fort-huachuca-to.md) - The Fort’s marketing office is working with the Defense Logistics Agency to develop a new hawk mascot in Oakleys.
- [Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force](https://www.duffelblog.com/cobra-commander-urges-son-to-join.md) - Cobra had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine.
- [DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle](https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-vows-to-reduce-pentagon-to-triangle.md) - "The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”
- [Green Beans calls up reserve baristas](https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beans-calls-up-reserve-baristas.md) - Company pledges espresso superiority across all combat zones.
- [Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef](https://www.duffelblog.com/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis.md) - General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.
- [Freshly-acquitted Diddy gives your weekend safety brief](https://www.duffelblog.com/freshly-acquitted-diddy-gives-your.md) - Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
- [8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy](https://www.duffelblog.com/8-tattoos-you-can-get-under-new-hegseth.md) - Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.
- [ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the.md) - Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business
- [Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal.md) - U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup
- [VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings.md) - “They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” one veteran said.
- [C-5 on Ramstein ramp spends entire world war III in timeout](https://www.duffelblog.com/wwiii-over-before-broke-c-5-sitting.md) - Strategic airlift mission replaced by strategic pub crawl
- [This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th](https://www.duffelblog.com/this-july-4th-remember-to-honor-veterans.md) - Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th
- [Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk.md) - Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’
- [Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality](https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after.md) - DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’

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